The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

M.T. Cranium

A woman married the ace of spades. She boasted to her friends that her husband was a real card.

Half a donkey was going out with a nice guy, but she broke down in tears one night. "I bet you just wanted a piece of ass," she said. "No darling, it's not true. I admire you for your mind." "Well, see, that's a lie, I'm the back half," she wailed. "Oh is that what you think, take a look in the mirror, you're the front half. Do you really think I would settle for a donkey's rear end?" She was so happy to hear that, and looked in the mirror. "Gosh, I'm better looking than I thought, maybe I could be a weather girl on TV." Her boyfriend thought about that for a minute, and said, "sure, but you would need to learn something about the weather, wouldn't you?" And after a minute, they fell into each others' arms laughing at just how silly they sounded.

chewed

A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"Go right ahead," she replies.

"Plethora," he says.

"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I spent my whole life being proud of my irish heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania.

Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.


How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in most of the way, and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

blade1

natashaob6 wrote: »

I spent my whole life being proud of my irish heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania.

Now I can’t even look myself in the

Did you once host Blankety Blank?? :pac:

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

blade1 wrote: »

Did you once host Blankety Blank?? :pac:

Did you fill in the blank to win a Blankety Blank cheque book and pen?

I think you deserve a thank you for spotting the blank.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

blade1 wrote: »

Did you once host Blankety Blank?? :pac:

My mind went blank at the last minute.

blade1

natashaob6 wrote: »

My mind went blank at the last minute.

I got worried about you.
I thought you actually looked in a mirror and went up in a puff of smoke or something! :pac:

rizzodun

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler...

blueser

blade1 wrote: »

Did you once host Blankety Blank?? :pac:

She (assuming she is a she?)n does seem very keen on these short, christmas cracker type gags.

New Home

We should introduce her to Capt'n Midnight.

Frigating

K.Flyer wrote: »

We went for a meal in the new local restaurant called Karma.

There's no menu, you get what you deserve...

Terrible restaurant, really. There's no starters or main courses...


Just desserts.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

With Halloween just around the corner I thought I would throw in a few skeleton jokes. I hope you can stomach them.Enjoy.


The skeleton canceled the gallery showing of his skull pictures because his heart wasn't in it.


The skeleton always knew what would happen next..

He could just feel it in his bones.


Did you hear about the skeleton that dropped out of medical school?

He just didn't have the stomach for it.


The favored historical ruler of skeletons is none other than Napoleon Bone-a-part.


What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?

Bone Appetit.


The skeleton literally didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.


What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire for too long?

He became bone dry.

Capt'n Midnight

Why didn't the skellington go to the party ?

nobody to go with.

Capt'n Midnight

Edin-burg

Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.
Christian Talbot,

You let me write numbers on your hands. I knew I could count on you.
Charlie Partridge

I’ve only got two weaknesses: being vague, and another weakness.
Glenn Moore,

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax. Bush wasn’t that bad.
Angela Barnes

I’m not rich and I need a solicitor, so if you know any pro bono lawyers you can introduce me to that would be great. If you know any anti-Bono ones that’s even better.
Jon Harvey


Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short.
Lou Sanders

St Anthony is the patron saint of lost things. Because he famously coined the phrase ‘Where did you have it last?”
Rory O’Keeffe


Weird how so many of my dates claim to be looking for a “partner in crime” but won’t go halfsies on my pyramid scheme??
Sid Singh

When I realised I’d never be able to talk again I was speechless.
Lost Voice Guy

My dad loves his dog more than us, he makes it a roast chicken seasoned in herbs every Sunday which is stupid as dogs have no concept of Thyme.
Rachel Fairburn


My best friend got in touch to ask if I’d be usher at his wedding, I said I’ll learn some of his songs, but I’m not blacking up
Hal Branson


I was arguing with someone until we came across a smiling fortune teller – I think we found a happy medium.
Bread & Geller

I threw my hands in the air, which was a shame because I had nothing to catch them with on the way down.
Paul Mayhew-Archer


I find it weird that Americans say ‘eggplant’ instead of chicken.
Ian Smith


In school I had the nickname “the human calculator”, which meant bullies would come up to me, say the number five million, three hundred and eighteen thousand and eight, lift me upside down and not let me go until I said the word “boobies”.
Ken Cheng,


I took my nephew on the swings, he kept complaining that it goes up too high. I said “Shut up and push”.
Nick Dixon


It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.
Lucy Porter,



My dad got me a pair of tickets to see Celine Dion. And I really enjoyed it. Both times.
George Lewis

My kids, despite living their whole life in London, see themselves as Northern Irish because of their mum. To be honest, I see them as Northern Irish too because they’re always arguing and economically it makes no sense to keep them.
Hal Cruttenden,

I remember my first date with my wife. She gave me butterflies, which was an odd gift
Scott Bennett

I had a dead bee in my sink so I rang my mother and said ‘what do I do?’ She said, ‘Get a spoon and flush it down the toilet.’ I said, ‘I’ve done that, now what about the bee?’
Mark Watson

byrner88

I brought a girl back to my house and said, "This is where the magic happens."

She said, "Oh really? I'm getting excited now."

So I said, "Yes. Pick a card Any card"

Capt'n Midnight

Looks like Boris Johnson is about to learn the benefits of the single market.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?


Give her a bottle of shampoo which says lather.


How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?


She opens the car door.


Why do blondes wear their hair up?


To catch everything that goes over their heads.


Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?


Because it said concentrate.


What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?

Air Pockets.


Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?


She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.


Why can't the blonde write the number eleven?


She didn't know which1came first.


Why are blondes so bad at hide and seek?


Because they can never find the sausage.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Three men went to Las Vegas and after losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .

So the first man went up to they're father and said can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the pigs.

The second man went to the father and asked can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the cows.

The third man said can I sleep with your 18 daughters?The father said yes.

So in the morning the three men and the father were having a conversation over breakfast. The first man said I slept like a pig.

The second man said i slept like a cow.

The third man said I slept like a golfer. The father asked why? He said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.

donegal_man

natashaob6 wrote: »

Three men went to Las Vegas and after losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .

So the first man went up to they're father and said can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the pigs.

The second man went to the father and asked can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the cows.

The third man said can I sleep with your 18 daughters?The father said yes.

So in the morning the three men and the father were having a conversation over breakfast. The first man said I slept like a pig.

The second man said i slept like a cow.

The third man said I slept like a golfer. The father asked why? He said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.

I think everyone saw that coming!

Try_harder

Read the thread

https://twitter.com/orkneylibrary/status/1036624470121820161?s=21

blade1

donegal_man wrote: »

I think everyone saw that coming!

Surprising the father didn't!

Try_harder

Chromosomes, a beginner's guide:

XY = Male
XX = Female
YYY = Delilah

lawred2

natashaob6 wrote: »

Three men went to Las Vegas and after losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .

So the first man went up to they're father and said can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the pigs.

The second man went to the father and asked can I sleep with your 18 daughters? The father said no but you can sleep with the cows.

The third man said can I sleep with your 18 daughters?The father said yes.

So in the morning the three men and the father were having a conversation over breakfast. The first man said I slept like a pig.

The second man said i slept like a cow.

The third man said I slept like a golfer. The father asked why? He said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.

His balls?

Capt'n Midnight

If Theresa May does Boris Johnson’s divorce, he’ll end up with a huge settlement and still be married afterwards.

New Home

Try_harder wrote: »

Read the thread

https://twitter.com/orkneylibrary/status/1036624470121820161?s=21

"John Williams‏ @johnwwilliams Sep 4 Replying to @OrkneyLibrary
I thought of sharing my own joke about Fortnite, but it’s too weak."


:D:D

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man wants to become a bell-ringer, but has no arms. So he tells the priest of his wish, but the priest says: How can you be our bell-ringer without arms? He replied Arms? Who needs arms? So the arm-less guy runs to the top of the bell tower, and starts ringing the bell with his face, making beautiful music. Unfortunately, he misses the last note, and falls from the bell tower. A bunch of parishioners gather around him, asking: Who is this guy? The priest says I don't know, but his face rings a bell.


A choir boy sneaks into a confession booth and then walks in a nun. She says Father forgive me for I have sinned I have performed oral sex on someone, tell me my punishment please Father. The choir boy runs out and finds another choir boy and asks what does the father give for oral sex?The other choir boy says I don't know about you but he gives me a coke and a bag of chips.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, What are you nuts? There is no way that could happen. No, it's true, said the first man, let me prove it to you. He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. Where he meets the second man, who looked quite astonished. The second man says you know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke. No, I'll prove it again, says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. Well, what the hell the second guy says, it works, I'll try it He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a splat. Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, amd saying to him. You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk.

Capt'n Midnight

"Your brother used to ring the bell with his face," said the Bishop. "Will you do that, too, or will you use your arms?" The hunchback's brother replies "If my brother can ring it with his face, so can I!" So saying, he runs full bore at the bell, glances off it with his face, falls out the window and to his death in the street below.

The bishop rushes down to see what he can do for the poor man. A crowd gathers. A policeman arrives and asks the bishop "Do you know who this man is?" The bishop replies, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."


....



The policeman then asks if the bishop had hired him "Yes," replies the Bishop, "but I had a hunchback there nothing good would come of it."

Jimmy.

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Josh,. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't
eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear, replied granny. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.


A broke tired and dirty Cowboy walks into a bar and says to the barman gimme whiskey. The bartender says, I'll have to see your money first..I'm broke says the cowboy but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie. The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song before so he agrees. The Cowboy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience start applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience start cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to sh*t all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leave. The bartender screams you said you were gonna fart Dixie not sh*t all over my stage and the Cowboy replies, Hey even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang.