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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,116 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Tell the Punchline first.








    How do you ruin a joke?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,995 ✭✭✭Ipso


    Waiter, there’s no steak in my steak pie.
    Well there’s no shepherd in your shepherd’s pie, either.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,323 ✭✭✭✭Deja Boo


    My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 956 ✭✭✭Nodster


    I'll never forget my grandad's last words

    "Stop shaking the ladder you little bollaux"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,995 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    My grandad, the local peeping Tom, died recently.
    I know he is up there somewhere looking down on us!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,323 ✭✭✭✭Deja Boo


    1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
    There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
    It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
    But I think it’s Colin.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,347 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
    Probably the back stroke, sir.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,306 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Hagar7 wrote: »
    So I was on a bus when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

    I turned around and saw an old lady. She said "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

    "Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

    A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

    After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

    I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
    "Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

    "Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
    "Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

    Reminds me of when I was on the 46a and tapped the attractive girl in front of me and said I think there is semen on her shoulder. She laughed and said ‘I think it’s yoghurt ya mad thing’. I shrugged my shoulders in agreement and thought to myself ‘jaysus, I’ve never ejaculated yoghurt before!’


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,116 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The circumference of a circle is two dang Pi!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector.

    I had to turn it down.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 605 ✭✭✭upupup


    byrner88 wrote: »
    I was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector.

    I had to turn it down.

    I turned up for that interview


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,461 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    upupup wrote: »
    I turned up for that interview

    I heard there was a high volume of candidates.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,425 ✭✭✭chewed


    How many grammar nazis does it take to change a light bulb?







    Too!


  • Posts: 31,828 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Two is too many to count.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,161 ✭✭✭frag420


    chewed wrote: »
    How many grammar nazis does it take to change a light bulb?







    Too!

    I would have thought Nein...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,340 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    frag420 wrote: »
    I would have thought Nein...

    Nein Nazi's ? :rolleyes:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 605 ✭✭✭upupup


    chewed wrote: »
    How many grammar nazis does it take to change a light bulb?







    Too!

    won?
    tree?
    fore?
    ate?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,746 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

    I said I wasn't sure about that, but I would have a fair crack at bohemian rhapsody...

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,587 ✭✭✭patmac


    I'm colour blind but it doesn't stop me enjoying life. The other night I went to see "Joseph and His Amazing Brown Coat."
    It was great.


  • Posts: 31,828 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    patmac wrote: »
    I'm colour blind but it doesn't stop me enjoying life. The other night I went to see "Joseph and His Amazing Brown Coat."
    It was great.
    I thought it was called "Joseph and his amazing fifty shades of gray dream coat"


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,657 ✭✭✭TheBody


    The Patron Saint of copying people into emails is St Francis of a CC


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 576 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    patmac wrote: »
    I'm colour blind but it doesn't stop me enjoying life. The other night I went to see "Joseph and His Amazing Brown Coat."
    It was great.

    The most common type of colour blindness is confusing red and green. A lot of cyclists suffer from it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 23,562 ✭✭✭✭dxhound2005


    The patron saint of campers is Pius the Tent.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    The strangest thing happened to me last night...I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20 minutes before going back to check on it. To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray, food, everything - not a trace.

    That's the last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour", she said. I replied, "Eh,I haven't even put it on yet!"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My wife rang me earlier.

    "Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!"

    "I'm having a few beers with the lads," I said.

    "Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgotten my key."

    "Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Dave through from the kitchen."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,024 ✭✭✭Carry


    There is actually a tape of a conversation between Putin and Trump.

    Putin: "We were the first in space."

    Trump: "But we were first on the moon."

    Putin: "But we are the only ones to supply the ISS."

    Trump: "But we are going to land on the sun."

    Putin: "But that's way too hot."

    Trump: " ......"

    Trump: "We'll land at night!"


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,501 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,501 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


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  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,501 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
    Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."


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