The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight · 13-03-2019 12:19AM

Tell the Punchline first.

How do you ruin a joke?

Ipso · 13-03-2019 02:05AM

Waiter, there’s no steak in my steak pie.
Well there’s no shepherd in your shepherd’s pie, either.

Deja Boo · 13-03-2019 04:53AM

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

Nodster · 13-03-2019 09:05PM

I'll never forget my grandad's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you little bollaux"

blade1 · 13-03-2019 09:57PM

My grandad, the local peeping Tom, died recently.
I know he is up there somewhere looking down on us!

Deja Boo · 13-03-2019 10:28PM

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it’s Colin.

branie2 · 14-03-2019 12:39AM

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Probably the back stroke, sir.

joeguevara · 14-03-2019 02:22AM

Hagar7 wrote: »

So I was on a bus when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

Reminds me of when I was on the 46a and tapped the attractive girl in front of me and said I think there is semen on her shoulder. She laughed and said ‘I think it’s yoghurt ya mad thing’. I shrugged my shoulders in agreement and thought to myself ‘jaysus, I’ve never ejaculated yoghurt before!’

Capt'n Midnight · 14-03-2019 11:02PM

The circumference of a circle is two dang Pi!

byrner88 · 15-03-2019 02:00AM

I was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector.

I had to turn it down.

upupup · 15-03-2019 02:04AM

byrner88 wrote: »

I was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector.

I had to turn it down.

I turned up for that interview

Bob Harris · 15-03-2019 07:59AM

upupup wrote: »

I turned up for that interview

I heard there was a high volume of candidates.

chewed · 15-03-2019 08:01AM

How many grammar nazis does it take to change a light bulb?

Too!

15-03-2019 08:36AM

Two is too many to count.

frag420 · 15-03-2019 10:55AM

chewed wrote: »

How many grammar nazis does it take to change a light bulb?

Too!

I would have thought Nein...

bonzodog2 · 15-03-2019 11:18AM

frag420 wrote: »

I would have thought Nein...

Nein Nazi's ? :rolleyes:

upupup · 15-03-2019 01:44PM

chewed wrote: »

How many grammar nazis does it take to change a light bulb?

Too!

won?
tree?
fore?
ate?

everlast75 · 15-03-2019 01:45PM

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said I wasn't sure about that, but I would have a fair crack at bohemian rhapsody...

patmac · 19-03-2019 08:35PM

I'm colour blind but it doesn't stop me enjoying life. The other night I went to see "Joseph and His Amazing Brown Coat."
It was great.

19-03-2019 08:37PM

patmac wrote: »

I'm colour blind but it doesn't stop me enjoying life. The other night I went to see "Joseph and His Amazing Brown Coat."
It was great.

I thought it was called "Joseph and his amazing fifty shades of gray dream coat"

TheBody · 19-03-2019 10:06PM

The Patron Saint of copying people into emails is St Francis of a CC

el_gaucho · 19-03-2019 10:43PM

patmac wrote: »

I'm colour blind but it doesn't stop me enjoying life. The other night I went to see "Joseph and His Amazing Brown Coat."
It was great.

The most common type of colour blindness is confusing red and green. A lot of cyclists suffer from it.

dxhound2005 · 19-03-2019 10:50PM

The patron saint of campers is Pius the Tent.

byrner88 · 21-03-2019 12:06AM

The strangest thing happened to me last night...I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20 minutes before going back to check on it. To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray, food, everything - not a trace.

That's the last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips.

Hagar7 · 21-03-2019 01:04AM

Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour", she said. I replied, "Eh,I haven't even put it on yet!"

byrner88 · 22-03-2019 01:00AM

My wife rang me earlier.

"Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!"

"I'm having a few beers with the lads," I said.

"Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgotten my key."

"Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Dave through from the kitchen."

Carry · 22-03-2019 02:06AM

There is actually a tape of a conversation between Putin and Trump.

Putin: "We were the first in space."

Trump: "But we were first on the moon."

Putin: "But we are the only ones to supply the ISS."

Trump: "But we are going to land on the sun."

Putin: "But that's way too hot."

Trump: " ......"

Trump: "We'll land at night!"

New Home · 22-03-2019 08:27PM

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

New Home · 22-03-2019 08:36PM

What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

New Home · 22-03-2019 08:36PM

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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