One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks · 12-09-2019 4:47pm

I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

She told me..... “The men I please are none of your business!”

greenspurs · 13-09-2019 10:22am

"Stop Arguing " by Xavier Breath. best selling book.

chooseusername · 13-09-2019 10:27am

My neighbour called their daughter 'treedegree'.

She's a cute little angle alright.

MonkieSocks · 13-09-2019 5:24pm

Every autumn, I dread walking under horse chestnut trees.

This year, I've had some therapy and have managed to conker it.

MonkieSocks · 15-09-2019 12:07am

Particle Physics gives me a Hadron.

AngryHippie · 15-09-2019 2:31am

what do you call 300 white men running after a black man.....

A marathon

chooseusername · 15-09-2019 1:14pm

AngryHippie wrote: »

what do you call 300 white men running after a black man.....

A marathon

There used be a golf joke like that when Woods was in his pomp,
white guys in strange outfits chasing one black guy around Georgia.

Remouad · 16-09-2019 9:46am

What do you get when you boil a funny bone?

A complete laughing stock....

MonkieSocks · 16-09-2019 5:12pm

^^^ reminded me of this

Broken arms: Painful, but Humerus.

__________________________________________________________________

Congratulations to all who have contributed to this thread and a special thanks to the originator of it......our Lord and Master Lord Hagar (the bleedin deadly)

Over 1 Million views

MonkieSocks · 17-09-2019 8:52pm

A Man City fan just told me he is thinking of going on holiday as it’s cheaper now that the kids have returned to school.

I said you can’t beat the Canaries at this time of year

__________________________

later on,

There was a break in at Norwich City's trophy room and the entire contents were stolen

Police are looking for two men carrying a green and yellow carpet

Wtf ? · 17-09-2019 9:32pm

What do you call a chocolate bar falling off the stage during a Wham Concert ?
A Careless Wispa.
I'll get my coat........

MonkieSocks · 18-09-2019 9:37pm

Apparently, the Queen has reconciled her differences with Camilla Parker Bowles.

She has even offered Camilla an all expenses paid trip to Paris with a car and chauffeur.

MonkieSocks · 20-09-2019 1:25am

Went on a pleasure trip last weekend.

Drove my mother-in-law to the airport.

MonkieSocks · 20-09-2019 11:33pm

Had a really bad dream last night that the Ocean was made from Orange Soda... Woke up and realised it was just a Fanta Sea.

donegal_man · 21-09-2019 1:19pm

Spongebob may be the main character

But Patrick is the star

MonkieSocks · 21-09-2019 6:16pm

Two monkeys in a bath.

One says "Ohh ooooh aaaaaah ooooh oooohh ooohh aaaah"

The other says "Well if its too hot mate, put some cold in".

trashcan · 21-09-2019 8:20pm

Have you seen this new movie "Constipation" ?

No ? , didn't think so, it hasn't come out yet.

jharr100 · 21-09-2019 10:05pm

Have you seen that new movie "tractor"?

No? The trailer was very good.

ShauntaMetzel · 21-09-2019 10:12pm

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I am Okay

MonkieSocks · 23-09-2019 5:57pm

Even though I’ve gone bald, I still keep the comb I’ve had for nearly twenty years...

I just can’t part with it.

MonkieSocks · 24-09-2019 5:42pm

As I am getting older,,,,,,,, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

donegal_man · 25-09-2019 4:12pm

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
Turns out customers don't like when you go an extra mile.

I asked my mother, 'mum are you ashamed of me?'
She replied, 'don't call me that in front of people'

greenspurs · 25-09-2019 4:26pm

im not that creative usually , but I started a self portrait....

Its not like me at all …..

MonkieSocks · 28-09-2019 12:38am

Don't you just hate that situation when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours.

Talk about a worst case scenario

MonkieSocks · 29-09-2019 11:26pm

I’m fat, but I identify as skinny.

I’m Trans-Slender.

donegal_man · 29-09-2019 11:59pm

FOR SALE
One Theramin, untouched

chooseusername · 30-09-2019 9:35am

donegal_man wrote: »

FOR SALE
One Theramin, untouched

Very funny ! (after I Googled Theramin)

notobtuse · 30-09-2019 3:53pm

Does extra virgin olive oil come from very ugly olives?

everlast75 · 30-09-2019 4:54pm

"irony" is getting pregnant on a pull out couch..

MonkieSocks · 01-10-2019 4:20pm

"Man shot in Hong Kong protests."

Well you would, wouldn't you?

greenspurs · 02-10-2019 10:27am

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world ……

Then Who is …………. ?

New Home · 04-10-2019 4:17pm

A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

greenspurs · 04-10-2019 5:20pm

My mother keeps raiding my piggy bank ………….

I think she's going through the change ….

MonkieSocks · 05-10-2019 12:06am

Bought a new pair of shoes today.

Shop assistant said they’ll be quite tight for the first week, so I said to him “it’s ok, I don’t need them til next weekend”.

MonkieSocks · 06-10-2019 6:49pm

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

Somara198 · 06-10-2019 6:53pm

Do you know Joe Soap??
he`s a slippy guy

MonkieSocks · 07-10-2019 8:45pm

The difference between the sexes;

If a woman says smell this then it probably smells nice .

trashcan · 07-10-2019 11:57pm

notobtuse wrote: »

Does extra virgin olive oil come from very ugly olives?

Remember Ben Elton had a line on that.. " once in a while I just want some olive oil that's been well shagged .... :cool:

MonkieSocks · 08-10-2019 9:43am

How long does it take a Scouser to walk two tiny dogs around the park.

Chihuahuas!

Remouad · 08-10-2019 9:49am

trashcan wrote: »

Remember Ben Elton had a line on that.. " once in a while I just want some olive oil that's been well shagged .... :cool:

MonkieSocks · 09-10-2019 4:41pm

"Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime."

"Was it something I said?"’ asks the son.

"Yes.'”

MonkieSocks · 10-10-2019 6:58pm

Why do all Swedish warships have bar codes on the side?

They Scandinavian

MonkieSocks · 11-10-2019 10:58pm

An AA Van passed me earlier and I noticed the driver was sobbing uncontrollably.

I though ' looks like he's heading for a breakdown'.

MonkieSocks · 13-10-2019 8:09pm

I phoned the local builder and said I wanna skip outside my house.....He said 'Well I'm not stopping you'.

greenspurs · 16-10-2019 9:50am

What do you call a Dub girl in a white tracksuit ??

The bride

MonkieSocks · 17-10-2019 12:59pm

Why don't worms have balls?

Because they can't dance.

MonkieSocks · 18-10-2019 5:33pm

Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators.

From this we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new.

MonkieSocks · 19-10-2019 6:43pm

I have no words to describe how upset I was after losing my Thesaurus

MonkieSocks · 22-10-2019 11:02pm

A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

GBX · 23-10-2019 12:15pm

I can greet somebody in Native American Indian ...

Its easy when you know how

One-Liner Jokes

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