Worst/Funniest thing said in bed?

anti-venom · 21-11-2008 6:35pm

" oohhhhhhhh, aaaaahhhhhhhhh, I have to call my brother". Right in the middle of the shagging action.:mad:

Hellm0 · 21-11-2008 6:39pm

chef wrote: »

Chinese chick I was banging kept shouting " pang ya, pang ya"

How was I to know that meant wrong hole.......

That also means "Bang!" in Korean apparently.

Big Knox · 21-11-2008 8:13pm

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I was in my teens so don't judge me.

I knew this girl from another part of the country, both liked each other a lot but accepted we weren't compatible for a long distance relationship.

We'd meet up a few times of year and have sex if we were single. One time she wasn't single but I was and I was trying to talk her into it. (In my defense she came into the bed *I* was sleeping in as soon as her mum left the house) It seemed to be going nowhere and I'd given up on pestering her, I then jokingly said "we don't have to kiss". She didn't think I was joking.

Tell the truth, you weren't!!! :pac:

21-11-2008 8:19pm

Used to shag a particular person and, during sex, they would shout out:

"Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat!!!!!! Oh Pat you're so fecking good, you're the best ever. Gonna make you cum, Pat, gonna make you cuuuuuuum. Pat! Pat! Pat! Pat! Pat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Pat was his name.

AlmightyCushion · 21-11-2008 8:27pm

Tri wrote: »

"Mmm, oh yeah Laura - I love you so much".

My name is not Laura.

True story.

Could be worse.

"Mmm, oh yeah Laura - I love you so much".

"My name is not Laura, it's Fred"

:eek:

Dublin_Andy · 21-11-2008 11:31pm

when your done, the girl screams out "im pregnant"!!!

4zn76tysfajdxp · 21-11-2008 11:34pm

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

Could be worse.

"Mmm, oh yeah Laura - I love you so much".

"My name is not Laura, it's Fred"

:eek:

"Jeffrey Tight Sawdust" actually.

Cupcake_Crisis · 22-11-2008 12:21am

......your dad did it better

darling.x · 22-11-2008 1:04am

I once said to an ex: 'you're sticking it up the wrong hole'. He found it funny. I did not find it funny. He was trying to stick it up the wrong hole and i didn't like it.

monkeytronics · 22-11-2008 1:26am

best one for me was with my gf.

She's on top, we're banging away like mad and I say:

"I ****ing love your pussy"

She says

"I love yours too"

I broke out laughing she hadn't heard what I said properly. I still laugh about it to this day. classic!!!

brundle · 22-11-2008 1:28am

darling.x wrote: »

I once said to an ex: 'you're sticking it up the wrong hole'. He found it funny. I did not find it funny. He was trying to stick it up the wrong hole and i didn't like it.

I think he might have had an idea he was sticking it up the 'wrong' hole

NewFrockTuesday · 22-11-2008 3:15am

Brrriiinnnnggg brrriiinngggg (thats a phone ringing)

*he checks phone :eek:

"Its my Ma"

"Dont answer it"

"But its my Ma"

"I dont care if its the f******g Queen"

"But its my Ma"

He answers

gets a slap

and a bj

try talking to her now!

hows yer ma?

Aurora Borealis · 22-11-2008 7:27am

THink this is very funny and it's true.

Guy's been pounding away thinking he's working miracles. Finishes off and rolls off and turns and in a pretend wink wink nudge nudge way says so do you come here often...

Girl replies No you silly twat try the other one.

I laughed anyway when i heard it maybe because it was true....well apparently!

m5ex9oqjawdg2i · 22-11-2008 7:29am

Kold wrote: »

The expulsions of gas from corpses can really ruin the mood.

"Was that a fanny fart?"

"No no, it was just... eh...

"What, you coughed in your knickers?"

m5ex9oqjawdg2i · 22-11-2008 7:31am

Deepsense wrote: »

Brrriiinnnnggg brrriiinngggg (thats a phone ringing)

*he checks phone :eek:

"Its my Ma"

"Dont answer it"

"But its my Ma"

"I dont care if its the f******g Queen"

"But its my Ma"

He answers

gets a slap

and a bj

try talking to her now!

hows yer ma?

Sorry, but WTF is it with women, blow jobs, and mothers on the phone. Does it turn ye on? Seriously that's not right... If I reflex punch you in the face when you try that then I am sorry, but WTF? SERIOUSLY!!! That's creepy...

darling.x · 22-11-2008 9:24am

brundle wrote: »

I think he might have had an idea he was sticking it up the 'wrong' hole

Well I didnt let him, thats for sure.

22-11-2008 9:24am

Dayton Greasy Bench wrote: »

Sorry, but WTF is it with women, blow jobs, and mothers on the phone. Does it turn ye on? Seriously that's not right... If I reflex punch you in the face when you try that then I am sorry, but WTF? SERIOUSLY!!! That's creepy...

But it's so much fun! Knowing they can't make a noise and have to maintain a normal tone of voice and doing your best to spoil that

NewFrockTuesday · 22-11-2008 11:22am

If I reflex punch you in the face when you try that..

Whatever floats yer boat

gernon · 22-11-2008 11:42am

Daddy whats a pervert?

Shut up and keep sucking son

brianthebard · 22-11-2008 1:18pm

Deepsense wrote: »

Brrriiinnnnggg brrriiinngggg (thats a phone ringing)

*he checks phone :eek:

"Its my Ma"

"Dont answer it"

"But its my Ma"

"I dont care if its the f******g Queen"

"But its my Ma"

He answers

gets a slap

and a bj

try talking to her now!

hows yer ma?

Hang on, you rewarded him for interrupting sexy time and answering the phone?? Doesn't make sense tbh.

iPlop · 22-11-2008 2:09pm

My mate was in bed with this bird he pulled in a nightclub and she asked him could she take her legs off ,they were prosthetic.I laughed for weeks
he still gave her a roide!!!:D

NewFrockTuesday · 22-11-2008 2:27pm

Hang on, you rewarded him for interrupting sexy time and answering the phone?? Doesn't make sense tbh.

But it's so much fun! Knowing they can't make a noise and have to maintain a normal tone of voice and doing your best to spoil that

Totally agree with Bluewolf!! Gotta have a bit of fun as well!

And he did get a slap first!

Oh ....and it doesnt have to make sense...not to other people....every post here is an in joke between a couple. thats the beauty of it.

Wurly · 22-11-2008 3:36pm

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

Could be worse.

"Mmm, oh yeah Laura - I love you so much".

"My name is not Laura, it's Fred"

:eek:

Ha ha - yeah. QFT.:D

22-11-2008 5:12pm

So, what are you in the mood for tonight; little bit kinky or downright dirty?

I go for the kinky option, he pulls out a feather.

A few minutes later, I hear a clucking sound and ask what it is. Turns out that's what was the other option.

frag420 · 22-11-2008 5:25pm

calm down girl,lets not this rape into a murder!!!

brianthebard · 22-11-2008 6:46pm

Septic Leper wrote: »

My mate was in bed with this bird he pulled in a nightclub and she asked him could she take her legs off ,they were prosthetic.I laughed for weeks
he still gave her a roide!!!:D

Why'd you laugh? legless girls need lovin' too. Although legs are one of the sexiest parts...

chin_grin · 22-11-2008 6:51pm

Funniest thing said in bed eh?

"Get out and walk" While wafting the covers. Yeah. Gentleman.

Overblood · 29-01-2009 7:22pm

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I thought of one last night...

Just before the girl goes down to give you a BJ, say : "Warning, may contain NUTS"

Bluefoam · 29-01-2009 7:24pm

Overblood wrote: »

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I thought of one last night...

Just before the girl goes down to give you a BJ, say : "Warning, may contain NUTS"

Was it really worth it?

29-01-2009 7:28pm

Overblood wrote: »

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I thought of one last night...

Just before the girl goes down to give you a BJ, say : "Warning, may contain NUTS"

I'd be more worried if it didnt contain nuts.

Kold · 29-01-2009 7:44pm

Overblood wrote: »

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I thought of one last night...

Just before the girl goes down to give you a BJ, say : "Warning, may contain NUTS"

Quit job now. Write for Ed Byrne.

admiralofthefleet · 29-01-2009 7:46pm

'fancy a dutch breakfast';)

ibarelycare · 29-01-2009 8:11pm

"Wow, you look really skinny lying down"

Professey Chin · 29-01-2009 8:13pm

Kold wrote: »

Quit job now. Write for Ed Byrne.

Ah now thats uncalled for. Be nice.

Dont worry OP, its not your fault that was sh*te......oh wait. Yes it is.
Yeah go do what Kold said:mad:

Overblood · 29-01-2009 8:24pm

Ah come on, it was pretty funny. 5 out of 10?

Abi · 29-01-2009 8:42pm

Overblood wrote: »

Ah come on, it was pretty funny. 5 out of 10?

*crickets*

shane86 · 29-01-2009 9:02pm

Lying in bed about a year ago with a yoke I got home, she is asking me about my age and how many were in my family, so I asked the same, she was 19, youngest in family, and she mentions she has a few nephews/nieces. To which out of nowhere she blurts out

"Its mad, by my age all my sisters and my brother were either parents or expecting a kid"

Not exactly the type of "me next" talk you want to hear after drunken fumblement :eek::eek:

Anyone remember Peter Kays Max and Paddy? They pulled two birds whilst at a seaside nightclub dressed as sailors, he is riding her singing an altered Popeye thme tune (I think it went "I last til the finish, cos I eat me spinach" :P )

Niall09 · 29-01-2009 9:21pm

So I say to her after
"I have aids"

..silence ensued

SoWatchaWant · 29-01-2009 9:37pm

The worst? Taken from personal experience:

"Do you have a condom?"

"No..."

"crap, me neither."

Hagar · 29-01-2009 9:39pm

There's no need for me to wear one of those, I'm sterile, it runs in the family.

thedesertman · 29-01-2009 9:54pm

While shes on top I answered the phone and had a full conversation with one of my friends oh ya classy! She wasn't impressed!:pac:

Censorsh!t · 29-01-2009 10:00pm

thedesertman wrote: »

While shes on top I answered the phone and had a full conversation with one of my friends oh ya classy! She wasn't impressed!:pac:

I wouldnt have been impressed either:eek: although...its funny when it's someone else.

When you can hear water flying around in their tummy

i usually end up laughing over something.

Bluefoam · 29-01-2009 10:07pm

thedesertman wrote: »

While shes on top I answered the phone and had a full conversation with one of my friends

I'd be more concerned that you were more interested in your 'friend' than girl on top sex... I hope you continue to have a very fulfilling relationship with your 'friend' -

Abi · 29-01-2009 10:07pm

thedesertman wrote: »

While shes on top I answered the phone and had a full conversation with one of my friends oh ya classy! She wasn't.

FYP.

Bluefoam · 29-01-2009 10:10pm

Abigayle wrote: »

FYP.

http://acronyms.thefreedictionary.com/FYP

thedesertman · 29-01-2009 10:16pm

Am well I get bored like and she wasn't great like then one of my "special" friends rang

haha. A lad I know did worse though he was doing the one in the back of the car totally pissed when she'd fallen asleep he accidently shat himself all over the back seat he just got outta the car and left her there with the "present"! Haha he could never drink tequila!:p

Abi · 29-01-2009 10:24pm

Bluefoam wrote: »

http://acronyms.thefreedictionary.com/FYP

For Your Pleasure, it was Fixed Your Post.

Ann22 · 29-01-2009 10:31pm

Classic sketch from Mitchell and Webb while we're on the subject:D

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=MKEUujz12S4&feature=related

Ardscoil Ris · 29-01-2009 10:36pm

C0SM0 wrote: »

So question what's the worst or funniest thing said or heard in the scratcher?

Me: Oh yeah right there...yeah...keep going....talk dirty to me.

Some dude: Sir, are you going to buy the bed or do I have to call security?

Codofwar · 29-01-2009 11:19pm

I was with a girl one night at a mates house and after we were finished or so I thought she turns to me and says Im gonna ride you all night, now on a normal night this would have been music to my ears but I was workin long days at the time and had work at 7 the following morning so i said great and said id be back in a min, got fully dressed and legged it home to bed leaving her there, (her friend was in the next room with my mate so at least I didn't abandon her) Turns out she ended up projectile vomiting all over the room after i left. Lucky me!

Worst/Funniest thing said in bed?

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