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Child Item

Worst/Funniest thing said in bed?

C0SM0

An acquaintance of mine told me a story about how one nite he was in the scratcher with this cracker he had pulled, she had him all worked up and he said he felt like his d**k was as big and as hard as he had ever felt it. then we she pulled down his cacks she took a peek and said
"Aw look, hello little fella!"

He was disgusted..

So question what's the worst or funniest thing said or heard in the scratcher?

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brundle

darling.x wrote: »

I once said to an ex: 'you're sticking it up the wrong hole'. He found it funny. I did not find it funny. He was trying to stick it up the wrong hole and i didn't like it.

I think he might have had an idea he was sticking it up the 'wrong' hole

NewFrockTuesday

Brrriiinnnnggg brrriiinngggg (thats a phone ringing)

*he checks phone :eek:

"Its my Ma"

"Dont answer it"

"But its my Ma"

"I dont care if its the f******g Queen"

"But its my Ma"

He answers

gets a slap

and a bj

try talking to her now!

hows yer ma?

Aurora Borealis

THink this is very funny and it's true.

Guy's been pounding away thinking he's working miracles. Finishes off and rolls off and turns and in a pretend wink wink nudge nudge way says so do you come here often...

Girl replies No you silly twat try the other one.

I laughed anyway when i heard it maybe because it was true....well apparently!

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Kold wrote: »

The expulsions of gas from corpses can really ruin the mood.

"Was that a fanny fart?"

"No no, it was just... eh...

"What, you coughed in your knickers?"

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Deepsense wrote: »

Brrriiinnnnggg brrriiinngggg (thats a phone ringing)

*he checks phone :eek:

"Its my Ma"

"Dont answer it"

"But its my Ma"

"I dont care if its the f******g Queen"

"But its my Ma"

He answers

gets a slap

and a bj

try talking to her now!

hows yer ma?

Sorry, but WTF is it with women, blow jobs, and mothers on the phone. Does it turn ye on? Seriously that's not right... If I reflex punch you in the face when you try that then I am sorry, but WTF? SERIOUSLY!!! That's creepy...

darling.x

brundle wrote: »

I think he might have had an idea he was sticking it up the 'wrong' hole

Well I didnt let him, thats for sure.

[Deleted User]

Dayton Greasy Bench wrote: »

Sorry, but WTF is it with women, blow jobs, and mothers on the phone. Does it turn ye on? Seriously that's not right... If I reflex punch you in the face when you try that then I am sorry, but WTF? SERIOUSLY!!! That's creepy...

But it's so much fun! Knowing they can't make a noise and have to maintain a normal tone of voice and doing your best to spoil that

NewFrockTuesday

If I reflex punch you in the face when you try that..

Whatever floats yer boat

gernon

Daddy whats a pervert?

Shut up and keep sucking son

brianthebard

Deepsense wrote: »

Brrriiinnnnggg brrriiinngggg (thats a phone ringing)

*he checks phone :eek:

"Its my Ma"

"Dont answer it"

"But its my Ma"

"I dont care if its the f******g Queen"

"But its my Ma"

He answers

gets a slap

and a bj

try talking to her now!

hows yer ma?

Hang on, you rewarded him for interrupting sexy time and answering the phone?? Doesn't make sense tbh.

iPlop

My mate was in bed with this bird he pulled in a nightclub and she asked him could she take her legs off ,they were prosthetic.I laughed for weeks
he still gave her a roide!!!:D

NewFrockTuesday

Hang on, you rewarded him for interrupting sexy time and answering the phone?? Doesn't make sense tbh.

But it's so much fun! Knowing they can't make a noise and have to maintain a normal tone of voice and doing your best to spoil that

Totally agree with Bluewolf!! Gotta have a bit of fun as well!

And he did get a slap first!

Oh ....and it doesnt have to make sense...not to other people....every post here is an in joke between a couple. thats the beauty of it.

Wurly

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

Could be worse.

"Mmm, oh yeah Laura - I love you so much".

"My name is not Laura, it's Fred"

:eek:

Ha ha - yeah. QFT.:D

00112984

So, what are you in the mood for tonight; little bit kinky or downright dirty?

I go for the kinky option, he pulls out a feather.

A few minutes later, I hear a clucking sound and ask what it is. Turns out that's what was the other option.

frag420

calm down girl,lets not this rape into a murder!!!

brianthebard

Septic Leper wrote: »

My mate was in bed with this bird he pulled in a nightclub and she asked him could she take her legs off ,they were prosthetic.I laughed for weeks
he still gave her a roide!!!:D

Why'd you laugh? legless girls need lovin' too. Although legs are one of the sexiest parts...

chin_grin

Funniest thing said in bed eh?

"Get out and walk" While wafting the covers. Yeah. Gentleman.

Overblood

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I thought of one last night...

Just before the girl goes down to give you a BJ, say : "Warning, may contain NUTS"

Bluefoam

Overblood wrote: »

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I thought of one last night...

Just before the girl goes down to give you a BJ, say : "Warning, may contain NUTS"

Was it really worth it?

[Deleted User]

Overblood wrote: »

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I thought of one last night...

Just before the girl goes down to give you a BJ, say : "Warning, may contain NUTS"

I'd be more worried if it didnt contain nuts.

Kold

Overblood wrote: »

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I thought of one last night...

Just before the girl goes down to give you a BJ, say : "Warning, may contain NUTS"

Quit job now. Write for Ed Byrne.

admiralofthefleet

'fancy a dutch breakfast';)

ibarelycare

"Wow, you look really skinny lying down"

Professey Chin

Kold wrote: »

Quit job now. Write for Ed Byrne.

Ah now thats uncalled for. Be nice.

Dont worry OP, its not your fault that was sh*te......oh wait. Yes it is.
Yeah go do what Kold said:mad:

Overblood

Ah come on, it was pretty funny. 5 out of 10?

Abi

Overblood wrote: »

Ah come on, it was pretty funny. 5 out of 10?

*crickets*

shane86

Lying in bed about a year ago with a yoke I got home, she is asking me about my age and how many were in my family, so I asked the same, she was 19, youngest in family, and she mentions she has a few nephews/nieces. To which out of nowhere she blurts out

"Its mad, by my age all my sisters and my brother were either parents or expecting a kid"

Not exactly the type of "me next" talk you want to hear after drunken fumblement :eek::eek:

Anyone remember Peter Kays Max and Paddy? They pulled two birds whilst at a seaside nightclub dressed as sailors, he is riding her singing an altered Popeye thme tune (I think it went "I last til the finish, cos I eat me spinach" :P )

Niall09

So I say to her after
"I have aids"

..silence ensued

SoWatchaWant

The worst? Taken from personal experience:

"Do you have a condom?"

"No..."

"crap, me neither."

Hagar

There's no need for me to wear one of those, I'm sterile, it runs in the family.