The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

youtube! · 02-02-2016 08:03PM

VISITORS.

tayto lover · 02-02-2016 08:07PM

Hagar7 wrote: »

Scotsmen was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in
the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an
old Indian sitting in the corner.

He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a
wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the bloke. "That's the Memory Man." said
the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try
him out."

So the fella goes over thinking "He won't know anything about Scottish football."
"Who won the 1968/69 Scottish Cup Final?' he asks.

"Celtic" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?" "Rangers" was the reply. "And the score?"

"4-0"
"Who scored the first goal?"
"Billy McNeill" was the old man's reply.

The Scotsman was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man.
Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.

Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to speak to the Indian in his
native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting "How"[/QUOTE]

Diving header?

02-02-2016 10:18PM

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up that way.
He said: "Up until Last week, I still had it all !!!

A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school. . .."
I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh No, nothing like that", he said. 'No, no ... I got out of prison'.

Mr Tibbs · 03-02-2016 10:44AM

Paddy is doing a first aid course and the the instructor asked him, what would you do if your child swallowed the front door key.
I'd climb in through the window, he said

Hagar7 · 03-02-2016 03:57PM

tayto lover wrote: »

Hagar7 wrote: »

Scotsmen was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in
the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an
old Indian sitting in the corner.

He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a
wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the bloke. "That's the Memory Man." said
the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try
him out."

So the fella goes over thinking "He won't know anything about Scottish football."
"Who won the 1968/69 Scottish Cup Final?' he asks.

"Celtic" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?" "Rangers" was the reply. "And the score?"

"4-0"
"Who scored the first goal?"
"Billy McNeill" was the old man's reply.

The Scotsman was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man.
Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.

Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to speak to the Indian in his
native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting "How"[/QUOTE]

Diving header?

Almost,but it was just a nod....I was there.:)

blade1 · 03-02-2016 04:17PM

If the old Indian is anything like our own Memory Man, he sould have greeted him with a headbutt!:pac:

04-02-2016 07:52AM

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers,

"May I help you?"

The man says,

"Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room
immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says
she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says,

"I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies,

"Listen you idiot. The window won't open…. that's a maintenance matter."

HalloweenJack · 04-02-2016 10:15AM

What's the staple of an orphan's diet?

Self-raising flour.

Mehaffey1 · 05-02-2016 12:14AM

I was at the pool the other day and really had to go so thought I'd do the right thing and at least go in the deep end, lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle, got such a fright I nearly fell in!

Collie D · 05-02-2016 12:45AM

Liverpool FC sign a 16 year old Syrian boy after a scout raves about him. Due to injuries he's named on the bench for their next game which happens to be against local rivals Everton.

Ten minutes left in the game and Liverpool are 2-0 down and their striker gets injured. Manager has no choice but to send on the young Syrian. Immediately he makes an impact and scores a hat-trick making them 3-2 winners and he is carried off by his team -mates with the whole of Anfield singing his name.

He immediately gets on the phone and rings his dad to tell him the great news. His dad starts crying and says "Well we've had a terrible day. Your mother was shot at random and killed, your sister was savaged by a roaming pack of wild dogs and I was beaten up by an angry mob." The son says "Oh no, that's horrible news..I am really sorry". To which the father replies "Well so you should be! If it wasn't for you we'd have never moved to Liverpool!"

PaddyWilliams · 05-02-2016 08:39AM

2 eggs get married and go on honeymoon.

On the first night, the female egg is feeling really horny, so she puts on her best egg lingerie, lies on the bed, looks at her man and says 'Come and get me, big boy'.

The male looks at her and says, 'I'll be back in 2 minutes' and goes into the bathroom.

2 minutes later he re-emerges, wearing a crash helmet. The female looks at him, puzzled, and says, 'What the hell are you doing wearing a crash helmet'?

He responds.. 'Last time I was this hard, I got hit on the head with a spoon'...........

Farmer Ed · 05-02-2016 12:59PM

What do you a call a politician with his head stuck up his arse?

An Enda scope

Mr Tibbs · 06-02-2016 03:14PM

Mick and Mary were flying out to New York for a two week holiday to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Mary , did we pay the phone bill this month
“No, sweetheart” she responds. He then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet “Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot all about it ” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the rates , the electricity, and the mobile phone rental bills he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t pay them either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?”
The husband answers, “They’ll find us

recylingbin · 06-02-2016 03:22PM

Teacher: who was robin Hood's girlfriend?
Kid: Trudy Glenn
Teacher: no
Kid: yeah it was.
Teacher: No, it was maid Marion.
Kid: well in the song, its Trudy Glenn
Teacher: what song?
Kid: Robin hood, robin hood, riding Trudy Glenn

coolhull · 07-02-2016 10:26PM

Wife asked her husband for 10,000 euro to get a gastric band fitted
He said, ''Heres a tenner. Get a fcukin' padlock for the fridge'' :eek:

Mehaffey1 · 08-02-2016 09:24AM

Wife and dog missing. Reward offered for information...on the dog.

Dick phelan · 08-02-2016 02:10PM

Off topic and probably a really obvious answer but how do you do spoilers?

Michael D Not Higgins · 08-02-2016 02:18PM

Dick phelan wrote: »

Off topic and probably a really obvious answer but how do you do spoilers?

Click the 'go advanced' button then you get more editing tools for your post. One of the tags is labelled spoiler.

endacl · 08-02-2016 02:22PM

Why do Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come out before episodes 1, 2 and 3?

Because responsibility for the sequencing Yoda was given!

blade1 · 08-02-2016 02:47PM

Dick phelan wrote: »

Off topic and probably a really obvious answer but how do you do spoilers?

Please dont start using them.:pac:
They are a pain to read using a phone and full website!

coolhull · 09-02-2016 11:38PM

Right before I die, I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

Just to make the cremation a bit more interesting.

Farmer Ed · 10-02-2016 12:39AM

What is the difference between an Irish member of parliament and an STD?

One letter

blade1 · 10-02-2016 06:22AM

Farmer Ed wrote: »

What is the difference between an Irish member of parliament and an STD?

One letter

I was going to say an STD is more welcome..:(

Panthro · 10-02-2016 06:40AM

Farmer Ed wrote: »

What is the difference between an Irish member of parliament and an STD?

One letter

You could have one for ages and you wouldn't even know it....the other ones an STD.

09_09_09 · 11-02-2016 09:43PM

I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seventeen times nineteen?"

I immediately said, "Thirty-six."

He said, "That's not even close."

I said, "But it was quick"

coolhull · 12-02-2016 02:01AM

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

coolhull · 12-02-2016 02:01AM

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

RayCon · 12-02-2016 08:34AM

I see the guy who invented predictive text has died ... his funfair will be held next monkey

12-02-2016 10:41PM

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to go home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey."
"What's the cure thyn doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie buggers wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

coolhull · 12-02-2016 11:24PM

Today I was offered sex by an 18 year old female...
Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....

But not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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