The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

housetypeb

frag420 wrote: »

I don't get it

He would like his friends to be aware that he danced naked for strangers who knocked on his door looking for ticks,he suspects it's a scam,he feels stupid for it.

The same bloody thing happened to me too,it's probably just some government health initiative that we haven't heard about yet-possibly because of all the hot weather we've been having lately.

JCX BXC

This isn't the discussion thread

coolhull

Bestiality is wrong.

People who do it are fuc*in animals.

jimgoose

Shaughnessy walked into the bookie's the other afternoon a bit agitated. This wasn't doing his stammer any good of course, so he goes up to the girl at one of the booths and begins, "Hello, I b-b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f..."

"The first horse?" suggested the teller, helpfully.

"No, I b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f..."

"The fourth horse? The fifth??" she further attemped. By this time a bit of a queue had formed.

"No! I'm trying to tell you, I b-b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f..."

At this point the poor young one gave up and phoned upstairs for the manager. "Listen, there's this guy here with some sort of speech impediment and I can't deal with him right now, there's a queue out the door. Would you ever come down and sort him out?"

"Right," said the manager, "I'll be right there!" And down he comes.

"Now sir, I understand there's some sort of a problem. Tell me - if I were to give you €200 right now, would that sort it out?"

"Umm," says Shaughnessy, "I s-s-s-s-suppose s-s-so!"

"Right, beautiful! Here you go sir, and have a good day!"

So with that Shaughnessy leaves, and goes into the pub next door for a jar to celebrate his good fortune. The barman notices the wad of notes, as they do, and says "Good win next door then? Got any hot tips?"

"No!" says our hero. "I d-d-don't b-bet. I'm a delivery d-d-d-river. I was trying to t-t-t-tell them I b-b-b-b-backed the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fuckin' artic into the manager's Mercedes, and they gave me €200!"

09_09_09

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
Chicken Sandwich: £2.50
Hand Job: £10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

09_09_09

Two Thai girls asked me if I fancied sleeping with them, they said the sex would be amazing, just like winning the lottery.
To my horror they were right,

Six matching balls

John T Carroll

Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

TheRiverman

A guy goes into a brothel and says to the brothel owner "I want something really wild that I never had before".the owner says "did you ever hear of Hurricane Tessie?".The guy says "no".The owner says "go up to room no 1 and she will be with you in a few minutes".After a few minutes the door bursts open and a big voluptuous "lady"runs in a jumps on him on the bed,she starts farting and says"this is the thunder of Hurricane Tessie banging all over you",then she starts banging his face with her huge breasts and says "these are the hail stones of Hurricane Tessie crashing down on you",she then starts peeing all over him saying "this is the rain of Hurricane Tessie falling down and drenching you all over".The guy jumps out of the bed and make his way out of the brothel as fast as he can.The owner shouts"what happened,why are you leaving so fast?".The guy says "I can't stand the f...ing weather around here".

emeldc

In Kentucky a school teacher asked what sound does a cow make.
Yasmin says 'moo'.
Very good says the teacher, now what sound does a sheep make.
Leroy is next to shout out 'baaaa'
Very good says the teacher, now what sound does the pig make.
Little Jamal raises his hands and shouts, "Freeze Mother fcuker"

MonkieSocks

I saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop the other day.

So I stopped and said 'jump in, I'll give you a ride home'.

"Fook off, you prick" was his reply!

"How bloody ungrateful", I thought.





So I zipped my rucksack back up, and carried on walking.

branie2

For the day that's in it -

What did Saint Patrick say when he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

"Are you all right in the back there?"

John T Carroll

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh-t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.





















MADdOG PHOTOGRAPHY on 

emeldc

A nun walks into Mother Superior s office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

What troubles you, Sister? asked the Mother Superior. I thought this was the day you spent with your family.

It was, sighed the Sister. And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.

I seem to recall that, the Mother Superior agreed. So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?

Far from it, snorted the Sister. In fact, I even took the Lord s name in vain today!

Goodness, Sister! gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. You must tell me all about it!

Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted.... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!

Oh my! commiserated the Mother. How unfortunate! But surely that didn t make you blaspheme, Sister!

No, that wasn t it, admitted Sister. While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!

Oh, that would have made me blaspheme! sympathized the Mother.

But I didn t, Mother! sobbed the Sister. And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!

So that s when you cursed, said the Mother with a knowing smile.

Nope, that wasn t it either, cried the Sister, anguished, because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... You missed the fcukin' putt, didn t you?

TheRiverman

A Pathologist was carrying out a post-mortem on a man who had died unexpectedly.One thing that intrigued him was the huge erection the corpse still had several hours after death and also it was the biggest penis he had ever seen on a dead person.He decided to cut it off and bring it home to show to his own wife.When he arrived home he said "darling I have something here to show you as I have never seen anything like it on a dead person before".When he showed it to her she burst out crying saying"oh no Mr Jones the postman is dead".

TheRiverman

Pepsi have invented a new drink with Viagra in it.So now instead of having a soft drink you can pour yourself a stiff one.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and
getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic,
the other residents tolerated her, and some males actually
joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm
outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you
got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted
"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and
held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door,
Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very
sizeable erection..

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyser again!"

housetypeb

" Well, Mr Smith" said the doctor. "It seems you are correct, you have been poisoned"
"My god" said the Mr Smith,"What is it ?
"We won't know for sure until after the autopsy"replied the doctor.

valoren

In the final round of the Open Championship, Gary Player is playing with another golfer who is infamous for his slow and deliberate play.

They are standing on the 18th tee having spent 5 excruciatingly long hours due to the slow player's pace of play.
Gary notices that the players veteran Scottish caddie is particularly angry looking and seems extremely annoyed with his players antics.

Standing on the tee box, he sees a fine looking Mansion standing on cliffs in the distance.
He decides to cut the tension by asking the local caddie about it,

"Hey Jock, how long has that fine house been there?"
"Ah Gary, I dunna know, it wasn't even fookin' there when we tee'd off this mornin!"

cowboyBuilder

Mod-Repost.

maudgonner

cowboyBuilder wrote: »

An christian was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
<snip>

It must have been a return flight, I guess?

(See post 8341 )

K.Flyer

Thought for a moment I was having an acute feeling of Dèjá Vu :pac:

cowboyBuilder

maudgonner wrote: »

It must have been a return flight, I guess?

(See post 8341 )

K.Flyer wrote: »

Thought for a moment I was having an acute feeling of Dèjá Vu :pac:

hehe .. my point was the original joke was a dig at Atheists.

emeldc

A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a blonde comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the blonde. "Up to my tits will be fine, I can just splash it on me eyes''

Masala

emeldc wrote: »

A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a blonde comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the blonde. "Up to my tits will be fine, I can just splash it on me eyes''

Sounds better in a Song...

09_09_09

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

— Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

— I've had 8 drinks, officer.

— That's no excuse to let your wife drive...:P

09_09_09

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"

The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20 guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"

Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Excited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!"
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"

09_09_09

A policeman is walking around on patrol when he spots an older gentleman sitting on a bench outside Vladivostok train station. The man on the bench seems to be muttering intensely to himself. Curious, the policeman walks up to him and asks:
"Good citizen, what are you mumbling about? Has something happened?"
The man looks up, confounded at first, before his eyes orient on the policeman.
"Oh, sorry, good sir officer, I didn't see you there. No, nothing is wrong. I am just very focused. You see, I am old, and at my age, you never know when Death comes knocking. Therefore, I have decided that I shall learn Hebrew, in case I get to heaven."
The policeman nods to himself at the wisdom in this, but while he doesn't want to distress the old gentleman, he can't help but ask:
"But, good citizen, what will you do if you instead end up in hell?"
The old man spreads his hand and shrugs.
"Well, as you hear for yourself, good sir officer, I already speak Russian."

BattleCorp

09_09_09 wrote: »

A policeman is walking around on patrol when he spots an older gentleman sitting on a bench outside Vladivostok train station. The man on the bench seems to be muttering intensely to himself. Curious, the policeman walks up to him and asks:
"Good citizen, what are you mumbling about? Has something happened?"
The man looks up, confounded at first, before his eyes orient on the policeman.
"Oh, sorry, good sir officer, I didn't see you there. No, nothing is wrong. I am just very focused. You see, I am old, and at my age, you never know when Death comes knocking. Therefore, I have decided that I shall learn Hebrew, in case I get to heaven."
The policeman nods to himself at the wisdom in this, but while he doesn't want to distress the old gentleman, he can't help but ask:
"But, good citizen, what will you do if you instead end up in hell?"
The old man spreads his hand and shrugs.
"Well, as you hear for yourself, good sir officer, I already speak Russian."

Am I a miserable cnut or is that joke not in the least bit funny?

whiskeyman

BattleCorp wrote: »

Am I a miserable cnut or is that joke not in the least bit funny?

It's a low tsar rating for sure...

Gloomtastic!

BattleCorp wrote: »

Am I a miserable cnut or is that joke not in the least bit funny?

All the Polish Boardies are creasing themselves :rolleyes: