The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

K.Flyer

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday...


I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was.
I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come around.

K.Flyer

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces,
"My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy catches his breath, then says,
"Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I just want to get the c**t who pushed me into the pool!"

topmanamillion

What's the name of the river that runs through Crimea?
The Cry-Me-a-River.

K.Flyer

K.Flyer wrote: »

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

Thumbs up for the joke, and for the "in what year was Clinton the President, John Paul was Pope and Tom Cruise the leading actor in Hollywood" puzzle!

dilallio

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

kleefarr

What's the difference between guts and balls?

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

kleefarr

What's the difference between guts and balls?

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

Mr Tibbs

It's a boy I shouted, with tears rolling down my face, a boy

It was at this moment I decided to never visit Thailand again

Farmer Ed

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Enda Kenny, said, "I am the Prime Minister of Ireland and I am the smartest man in Ireland's history, so Irish people don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you, Ireland's smartest man took my schoolbag."

thesandeman

^
I actually read that in my head in Edna's voice before I got to the punchline.

John T Carroll

A understandable and possible fatal mistake, he thought he was returning to School.

SVJKarate

thesandeman wrote: »

^
I actually read that in my head in Edna's voice before I got to the punchline.

Would have been funnier to read it in Enda's voice?

thesandeman

Stupid Google keyboard.

housetypeb

The colonel parachuted into the remote desert outpost as the terrain was too remote and rough for motors. He introduced himself to the captain and asked to be shown around what was to be his new command for the next year, the captain showed him the barracks where the garrison slept, the big yard where they paraded etc before showing him to the small office bungalow that was to his alone.
Looking out the window, the colonel noticed a small shed almost hidden against the perimeter barricade.
"What's that "? he asked.
"Sir,that's where we keep a few camels,as you know we're here for a year at a time on duty,there's no women here on the base and sometimes the men get lonely and have needs,if you know what I mean, and while we don't condone it happening too often, we tend to turn a blind eye to it..."
"Say no more" the colonel interrupts ."We're all men of the world."
Time goes by,and the colonel finds himself thinking about the camels more and more.
One night,he can't stand the loneliness any longer and he makes his way to the shed, where,after much figuring out how to actually do it, he finally throws a few bales of straw behind one of the camels in a stall,stands on the bales and drops his trousers and proceeds to have his way with the placid camel.
As he finishes and is about to pull his trousers back up, he notices the captain standing in the doorway looking at him.
"I guess that's how the men do it?" says the colonel.
"No,sir." says the captain."They usually just take the camels over the desert to the next village,that's where the prostitutes are.

coolhull

If Donald Trump gets elected, there'll be hell toupee

gramar

I just heard the local mechanic got arrested for drug dealing. I've been going to him for 20 years and I'm still a bit in shock, I never knew he was a mechanic.

gramar

I went to an AA meeting last week. So much for anonymous, I knew half of the people there. We hadn't seen each other for a while so we went out for a drink after the meeting to catch up.

Husband Store



A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth andsixth floors have never been visited . . . . .

quick reply still duplicates the posts!

Now that's a joke!!! :mad:

ohmslaw

[Deleted User] wrote: »

quick reply still duplicates the posts!

Now that's a joke!!! :mad:

Can't believe they haven't fixed that yet.

dandyelevan

Woman answers door to Psychology Graduate.
" Sorry son, but we already have a vacuum cleaner."

dandyelevan

The US Navy pilot took off from his Carrier with the Captains warning ringing in his ears.
" This is your very last chance Dandy...crash this one taking off, or landing, and I'll see you finish the feckin' war in Leavenworth!"
As luck would have it, the pilot had a lucky day, shooting down his first Jap fighter in flames after just 10 minutes, then, on his way back to the ship, surprised two more, sending both Zero's spiraling to the sea riddled with bullets.
His guns empty, the pilot circled the ship performing two victory rolls before a perfect landing.
Dismounting from his plane the pilot marched up to the Captain.
"Lt. Dandy reporting Sir... I have the pleasure to inform you that after a perfect take-off I shot down not one, but three, Japanese Zero's."

The Captain's eyes narrowed, and it was then poor Lt. Dandy realized the awful truth.
He'd landed on a Japanese Carrier by mistake.

Capt'n Midnight

^^^^^^
FYI This joke goes back to 7th of May 1942

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Yorktown_%28CV-5%29

Near twilight, three Japanese planes incredibly mistook Yorktown for their own carrier and attempted to land.

coolhull

Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

branie2

Why won't Matt Damon have sex in his next movie?

He's Bourne again

Mr Tibbs

Paddy goes into a Florist shop
I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend
Certainly Sir, what is it you're after
A f*ck

housetypeb

Three couples go camping in the mountains, after a good meal and a sing along by the fire and a few bottles of wine and beer they retire for the night where they discover they have only two tents, no problem, the men go into one tent and the women into the other.
Later on that night,Jim wakes up and - he doesn't whether it's because of the high altitude,the stars blazing in the night sky or the clear crisp mountain air -but he's got the biggest hardest erection he's ever gotten his life.
It's so big he can hardly get his hands around it,as he lies there gently stroking it, he thinks to himself,it's a pity to waste it-why not go next door to the other tent,grab Mary and go someplace quite and make love under the stars. Mary would love it,it's been a while.
He shakes his friend and says "Mick,make a bit of room and let me out there will you,I'm going next door to to shag the wife"
"I better come with you" says Mick."that's my cock you're holding onto there".

coolhull

MonkieSocks

I went into town today, to buy some Camouflage Trousers,


























Couldn’t find any

frag420

coolhull wrote: »

I don't get it