Single life as a guy...

Potatoeman · 23-12-2015 08:58PM

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I can only speak for myself but a lot of people out there still see a man/woman in their 30s who is single as almost an experiment and try to match them up with someone before......you die? I presume they must think that all single people are sad creatures who must be saved. The worst type person to me though is the workmate who makes sly comments about your marital status. I once had a workmate try to volunteer me for doing a task on sunday that nobody wanted and phrase it as "singleton like yourself, we have kids to bring out", I lost it at him and said don't ever make comments about my personal life you haven't a fcuking clue what my life is like" and he just stormed off not even an apology.

Other people can make being singe tougher sadly..

That was a mistake, you let them get under your skin to what is obviously a sore point. It may not have even been intentionally mean.

You should never look for approval for your life choices but that means you should never look for acceptance either.

zephyro · 23-12-2015 08:58PM

raze_them_all_ wrote: »

casual sex != relationship

No, but it's still going to cost you. If you disagree, can you explain how you'd go about getting regular casual sex bearing in mind the amount of time and money involved?

beks101 · 23-12-2015 08:59PM

Mister Vain wrote: »

Being single for a long period of time is one thing, but being single for your entire life with no intimacy at all must be very difficult.

I think there can be such a thing as being 'too single' after a significant period of time. Say, years. Or forever. When you're single long enough to have become set in your own routine and used to your own space and time to the point where a relationship seems like a foreign concept. Or some kind of threat to your freedom or something. Even at a subconscious level. And that can be the invisible guard that prevents any relationship from ever being likely in the future.

I'm no longer single but I spent a lot of time on my own in my 20s and the 'drought' years were always defined by this sort of stubborn protective approach towards my own space, coupled with a complete lack of know-how when it came to relationships. How do they happen? How does one happen upon one? How does it "happen when you least expect it" and other such cliches you get from smug couples? Those were the prevailing thoughts. Couldn't fathom adapting my life to accommodate someone else and yet that head-think seemed to run completely contrary to the feelz that I had - the need for intimacy and skin-on-skin contact and just someone to come home to.

I found the years I spent in relationships a lot more different mentally and emotionally. You sort of 'get it'. You've got the know-how. That accommodation of someone new doesn't seem so daunting or threatening. You're not as self-protective and it's often easier to find someone new when something ends, because you're already 'inducted', so to speak. Perhaps it accounts for the 'overlapping' you often hear of too.

I think being in a relationship is kind of like learning a secret language. It comes naturally when it's someone on the right level for you - but it is, nonetheless, an induction into a different way of living and thinking from when you're on your own. And when you're long-term single, that tendency towards openness and the pursuit of a new partner and navigating the bullsh1tty ropes of dating and being flexible in your routine and with your emotions is not nearly as fluent as when a life with someone else has previously been the norm.

raze_them_all_ · 23-12-2015 09:04PM

zephyro wrote: »

No, but it's still going to cost you. If you disagree, can you explain how you'd go about getting regular casual sex bearing in mind the amount of time and money involved?

Well, I go out ith my friends, then at some stage throughout the night I see if anyones about and go from there

GFT · 23-12-2015 09:07PM

beks101 wrote: »

I think there can be such a thing as being 'too single' after a significant period of time. Say, years. Or forever. When you're single long enough to have become set in your own routine and used to your own space and time to the point where a relationship seems like a foreign concept. Or some kind of threat to your freedom or something. Even at a subconscious level. And that can be the invisible guard that prevents any relationship from ever being likely in the future.

I'm no longer single but I spent a lot of time on my own in my 20s and the 'drought' years were always defined by this sort of stubborn protective approach towards my own space, coupled with a complete lack of know-how when it came to relationships. How do they happen? How does one happen upon one? How does it "happen when you least expect it" and other such cliches you get from smug couples? Those were the prevailing thoughts. Couldn't fathom adapting my life to accommodate someone else and yet that head-think seemed to run completely contrary to the feelz that I had - the need for intimacy and skin-on-skin contact and just someone to come home to.

I found the years I spent in relationships a lot more different mentally and emotionally. You sort of 'get it'. You've got the know-how. That accommodation of someone new doesn't seem so daunting or threatening. You're not as self-protective and it's often easier to find someone new when something ends, because you're already 'inducted', so to speak. Perhaps it accounts for the 'overlapping' you often hear of too.

I think being in a relationship is kind of like learning a secret language. It comes naturally when it's someone on the right level for you - but it is, nonetheless, an induction into a different way of living and thinking from when you're on your own. And when you're long-term single, that tendency towards openness and the pursuit of a new partner and navigating the bullsh1tty ropes of dating and being flexible in your routine and with your emotions is not nearly as fluent as when a life with someone else has previously been the norm.

Amazing post. Actually rang bells for me there, I've went from bad relationship to bad relationship over my 20s. I'm 29 now. Nearly ended up in another one a few weeks ago but the minute I had an opportunity to exit I ran whereas before I would have put up with any **** and stuck with it.

Mister Vain · 23-12-2015 09:33PM

beks101 wrote: »

I think there can be such a thing as being 'too single' after a significant period of time. Say, years. Or forever. When you're single long enough to have become set in your own routine and used to your own space and time to the point where a relationship seems like a foreign concept.

Absolutely, and the longer it goes on the harder it gets. Plus if a woman knows a guy has always been single she may be thinking why, or is there something wrong with him.

If someone over the age of 30 who has no concept of what its like to be in a relationship suddenly gets into a relationship with someone of the same age with a lot more experience, that's bound to be a bit awkward. They'd likely be asking themselves all sorts of questions, What do I do now? Where do I go from here? What happens next? It's a completely new experience for them.

Wanderer2010 · 23-12-2015 09:48PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

That was a mistake, you let them get under your skin to what is obviously a sore point. It may not have even been intentionally mean.

You should never look for approval for your life choices but that means you should never look for acceptance either.

Fair enough point. You are right I shouldn't be looking for approval or acceptance, I was having a tough day that day and it seemed all people could talk about in work was their precious other halves and all the plans they had and I had nothing planned but a Netflix binge! Its not always easy to see questions as harmless rather than a personal dig at you because I have experienced both so I know both type of people exist.

Dickie10 · 23-12-2015 10:21PM

GFT wrote: »

Amazing post. Actually rang bells for me there, I've went from bad relationship to bad relationship over my 20s. I'm 29 now. Nearly ended up in another one a few weeks ago but the minute I had an opportunity to exit I ran whereas before I would have put up with any **** and stuck with it.

Me too, christ this exactly my problem, casual sex and relationships are two different animals and the latter i have no experience of at all. at 32 it scares me a bit of how i would go about it if it hapeens. i know if i meet a girl i really like i will try to give it a go, as two girls i liked previously didnt want a future, others then i just didnt want a future with when they did.

Tigger99 · 23-12-2015 10:29PM

I don't think the right woman will care that you haven't had a relationship before. You just haven't met someone you clicked with enough to make a go of it. That's nothing to be ashamed of or thinking will a woman wonder what's wrong with you.

23-12-2015 11:45PM

Mister Vain wrote: »

Being single for a long period of time is one thing, but being single for your entire life with no intimacy at all must be very difficult.

Let us not forget that Isaac Newton - possibly the most brilliant man our species ever produced - died a virgin.

Mister Vain · 23-12-2015 11:46PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Let us not forget that Isaac Newton - possibly the most brilliant man our species ever produced - died a virgin.

I actually didn't know that. You learn something every night.

24-12-2015 03:47PM

Fukuyama wrote: »

I'm a hypocrite when it comes to escorts, strip clubs and lap dances etc.... I'm all for legal adult entertainment and a safe prostitution industry.

However, I don't think I could ever look at myself in the mirror if I forked over half a weeks wages just to have mechanical sex with some random woman. If anything it'd probably make me crave actual intimacy even more.

I'm probably a panzy in that regard. It seems like escorts are becoming quite normal among even young lads.

I wonder if being poor is what puts me off hookers/strippers so much. :pac: Was recently dragged into a club and waited around for near an hour while my mates blew what would be a month's income for me. Had the hard sell the entire time, women who make money by getting lads drunk and handing them a Chip n Pin device asking me what the hell was wrong with me. :pac: I just don't get it at all.

As for the general single thing, it's a pain in the arse at this stage. A serious lack of cash for the foreseeable doesn't raise my hopes too much either. :pac:

Mister Vain · 24-12-2015 04:37PM

Tigger99 wrote: »

I don't think the right woman will care that you haven't had a relationship before. You just haven't met someone you clicked with enough to make a go of it. That's nothing to be ashamed of or thinking will a woman wonder what's wrong with you.

Ohh of course, and any woman that would have a problem with it is not worth it. It's not often you find someone you click with so little things like that shouldn't matter.

As for the strippers, I never really saw the point. You can look but you can't touch. Too much of a tease. I've had to put up with enough teasing in the regular clubs.

BlibBlab · 24-12-2015 06:08PM

zephyro wrote: »

No, but it's still going to cost you. If you disagree, can you explain how you'd go about getting regular casual sex bearing in mind the amount of time and money involved?

If you find a **** **** buddy its not going to cost you much

Elessar · 25-12-2015 02:13PM

beks101 wrote: »

I think there can be such a thing as being 'too single' after a significant period of time. Say, years. Or forever. When you're single long enough to have become set in your own routine and used to your own space and time to the point where a relationship seems like a foreign concept. Or some kind of threat to your freedom or something. Even at a subconscious level. And that can be the invisible guard that prevents any relationship from ever being likely in the future.

I'm no longer single but I spent a lot of time on my own in my 20s and the 'drought' years were always defined by this sort of stubborn protective approach towards my own space, coupled with a complete lack of know-how when it came to relationships. How do they happen? How does one happen upon one? How does it "happen when you least expect it" and other such cliches you get from smug couples? Those were the prevailing thoughts. Couldn't fathom adapting my life to accommodate someone else and yet that head-think seemed to run completely contrary to the feelz that I had - the need for intimacy and skin-on-skin contact and just someone to come home to.

I found the years I spent in relationships a lot more different mentally and emotionally. You sort of 'get it'. You've got the know-how. That accommodation of someone new doesn't seem so daunting or threatening. You're not as self-protective and it's often easier to find someone new when something ends, because you're already 'inducted', so to speak. Perhaps it accounts for the 'overlapping' you often hear of too.

I think being in a relationship is kind of like learning a secret language. It comes naturally when it's someone on the right level for you - but it is, nonetheless, an induction into a different way of living and thinking from when you're on your own. And when you're long-term single, that tendency towards openness and the pursuit of a new partner and navigating the bullsh1tty ropes of dating and being flexible in your routine and with your emotions is not nearly as fluent as when a life with someone else has previously been the norm.

Great post. Pretty much sums me up exactly. I'm single a long time but I'm just so set in my ways I cannot imagine having to change my lifestyle or who I am just because of a woman. I mean, I think it would absolutely do my head in. On the other hand, I still crave sex (as all men do!) and intimacy of some sort. I'm trying to figure out if it's just sex I want or if I actually want the whole package. For the reasons above, I don't know.

Earlier in the year I had a fantastic physical "relationship" with a girl on Tinder who was completely up-front about what she wanted. Just fun, no commitment. Exactly what I wanted too. We were both on the same page. It taught me a lot and was one of the best times of my life; probably something I'll never get again. I'll always remember it fondly. I mean if I could get THAT, and still live my life as is, I guess I'd be happy. But I admit I did begin to fall for her a bit towards the end. Maybe I want more than sex? Moral of the story is, I still just don't know

Dickie10 · 25-12-2015 09:34PM

wow today xmas day, is a bit of a tough one for me, first time i actually felt fairly lonely on christmas eve/ day. i guess it is a hard one for people who are single its very couple and children centred, but for a single person it seems very empty

.

its the first time i really have begun to feel like i am a bachelor farmer type who kind of dosent get the chance to participate in the whole xmas exeperience the same way parents and couples do. at mass last night and there were 6 other single males over 35-60 standing beside me, i really felt this could me still here in 20 years, im 32 but kind of feeling the slide towards this life. im kind of relived its all action tomorrow again.

Mister Vain · 26-12-2015 06:43PM

Wibbs wrote: »

some people just don't want that kind of life. Some men just don't want the wife and kids scenario. Some don't want the extended and close family gathered around the table at dinner vibe.

For example the latter is my idea of hell. Well purgatory anyway Those Denny adverts with all the family make my toenails itch. It's just not me. Now I can see this is oddball and have no issue with admitting it. Indeed I spent much of my life trying to deny it and worse, fake it and am happier since I just accepted that I am odd*.

I can relate to that alright. When fantasising about being in a relationship its the intimacy and companionship that I think about, but all the things you've mentioned there make me wonder if I'm cut out for a relationship at all. Meeting the parents, going over for dinner, attending weddings etc, the thought makes me shudder a little.

I've been in a couple of relationships with Eastern European women and their parents were still living back in their home countries so I've never had to do the whole meet the parents thing, which admittedly suited me just fine.

zephyro · 26-12-2015 07:10PM

Elessar wrote: »

Earlier in the year I had a fantastic physical "relationship" with a girl on Tinder who was completely up-front about what she wanted. Just fun, no commitment.

How long did it last and why did it end?

Elessar · 27-12-2015 12:34PM

zephyro wrote: »

How long did it last and why did it end?

It lasted about 3 months. It ended because I was starting to get emotionally involved when I shouldn't have. I knew she was seeing other guys aswell so I asked about making it exclusive to both of us. Well she saw that for what it was, and started getting distant etc. It got a little messy (on my part) but I ended it for my own sake. In fairness she didn't do anything wrong and was upfront about everything, it was my own issues that caused it to fail. But then again, going into it I knew it would never last, and she even mentioned she gets bored easily, so it would have ended sooner or later. Still, I had a terrific time (hopefully she did too) and I learned a lot about myself. It was exactly what I needed at that particular point in my life

Trebor176 · 27-12-2015 03:40PM

Tigger99 wrote: »

I don't think the right woman will care that you haven't had a relationship before. You just haven't met someone you clicked with enough to make a go of it. That's nothing to be ashamed of or thinking will a woman wonder what's wrong with you.

I was glad to read that post. I'm 29, and will be 30 next year. I've never been in a relationship, and have never really been with anyone as such, bar kissing her, but things never went any further with those. I've had missed opportunities, I've been messed about a little, and I've fecked up with one or two, where there was possible scope for things to go somewhere.

I tend to feel quite down about the whole single thing, and it doesn't help when I see friends getting into relationships, are already in a relationship, are engaged or even married with kids. Well, it's probably the same for any loved up couple really. Christmas can be the hardest time. It's great spending time with family and all that. I love it. But, I would really love someone in my life to share it with as well.

I wouldn't be out every weekend, but even being out, it can be hard to meet someone. I have tried, but haven't been successful. Ok, I am a bit shy, but I have found that I have the confidence to approach a girl, chat to her and see how things go with that.

I have been trying online dating, and it is frustrating me, due to the lack of matches. I was getting on well with someone there, only for me to feck things up. She's still on there, but perhaps not for a while (her profile is still there). I did apologise, but got nothing in return. I seriously regretted messing up, but I have realised that I just need to relax and be more patient.

I apologise for the longish post, but I've never posted here before, so I guess it's just a few things I want to get off my chest. Sure, if I do meet a lucky lady, and it comes to past relationships, I would hope she wouldn't be too shocked and my lack of 'experience.' But, being with someone would certainly be great.

Mister Vain · 27-12-2015 04:48PM

Trebor176 wrote: »

I've had missed opportunities and I've fecked up with one or two, where there was possible scope for things to go somewhere.

I hate when that happens. If there's anything worse than rejection its knowing that you had a chance (or not knowing in some cases) with a great girl only to stuff it up or not make the most of the opportunity. At least when you get rejected you know where you stand. It's the one that got away that really hurts.

Daisy78 · 27-12-2015 05:09PM

Put a group of women together and they're far more likely to tell each other that prince charming is out there and that "what's for you won't pass you by" etc. than to encourage a friend that maybe the short, unfashionably dressed lad she's smiling at across the bar might be worth going over to chat to.[/quote]

But why would you encourage her to approach (and most women won't approach a guy anyway btw) a guy that she is really not all that into?? Encouraging somebody to settle is far more damaging to both parties in the long run. A women cannot feign attraction to a guy anymore than a man can. Putting pressure on women to lower their standards can lead to bad decisions and potential heartbreak down the line. I never understand why people have this attitude.

Pawwed Rig · 27-12-2015 05:44PM

Daisy78 wrote: »

But why would you encourage her to approach (and most women won't approach a guy anyway btw) a guy that she is really not all that into?? Encouraging somebody to settle is far more damaging to both parties in the long run. A women cannot feign attraction to a guy anymore than a man can. Putting pressure on women to lower their standards can lead to bad decisions and potential heartbreak down the line. I never understand why people have this attitude.

I think the point was that some have unrealistic standards that cannot be met. For example if you ever do online dating the amount of mentions of Mr Darcy on profiles is staggering (particularly if like me you had no idea who Mr Darcy was and thought that there were lots of Jo Maxi fans still knocking about).
Everyone settles to some degree or other to the extent that what you end up with is never exactly what you would have described your dream person to be pre relationship. - The billionaire demure traditional Asian with a love of Star Wars, horror movies and discworld who is a dab hand at kung fu just did not seem to be attainable

Freak Midget · 27-12-2015 05:59PM

Dickie10 wrote: »

wow today xmas day, is a bit of a tough one for me, first time i actually felt fairly lonely on christmas eve/ day. i guess it is a hard one for people who are single its very couple and children centred, but for a single person it seems very empty .

its the first time i really have begun to feel like i am a bachelor farmer type who kind of dosent get the chance to participate in the whole xmas exeperience the same way parents and couples do. at mass last night and there were 6 other single males over 35-60 standing beside me, i really felt this could me still here in 20 years, im 32 but kind of feeling the slide towards this life. im kind of relived its all action tomorrow again.

I'm the same. 33 and single. I've no problem getting one night stands but I can't seem to settle down. I meet all these older men who sit in the pub all day, no woman, no prospect of ever of getting a woman and it's awful. Please God don't let me end up like that! Thing is I'm afraid of settling down and committing but at the end of the day a man needs a woman.

Confucius say · 27-12-2015 10:02PM

Freak Midget wrote: »

but at the end of the day a man needs a woman.

Well that's told me!

Trebor176 · 27-12-2015 11:01PM

Mister Vain wrote: »

I hate when that happens. If there's anything worse than rejection its knowing that you had a chance (or not knowing in some cases) with a great girl only to stuff it up or not make the most of the opportunity. At least when you get rejected you know where you stand. It's the one that got away that really hurts.

With the last one, it wasn't a case of rejection. She really was a great girl, but thought I was being ignored (silent treatment, as others have got). I believed her then when she said she was busy, as she was actually genuine, but I jumped to the wrong conclusion. Needless to say that was that, and I did message again to apologise, but got nothing in return. Maybe things would have gone somewhere, but I'll never know. Her profile is still there anyway, but I know I can do no more.

For online dating, she was the only one that really seemed genuine enough. I know it's only online dating, we didn't meet, but I still kind of beat myself over it. I'm sure I will meet a great girl somewhere down the line online or offline, but she did seem to be a great one, who I foolishly let go.

Sure, I have been rejected plenty of times. Thankfully with the couple of friends I asked out, they took it very well and we do get on well still. But, with one, she had just got with someone, and if it didn't work out, she'd go for a drink with me. However, it turns out it would have just been as friends. Ok, I should have known before I wouldn't have stood a chance anyway, and I don't think she's with that chap anymore. Still, though, she's a sweetheart, and, as I say, we still get on.

As I mentioned before, I probably appear shy at first, perhaps a bit nervous, but I have proved that I can approach a girl, get a conversation going, and try to ask her out. But, I don't always get that opportunity. Online, yes, there have been cases of saying about meeting up, her being up for it, only to come along and say she's not up for it, along with some excuse. I know I'm not the only one it's happened to, and I'm sure the same girls have done it to others.

Tigger99 · 27-12-2015 11:08PM

Trebor just because she said she was genuinely busy doesn't mean it was true. Don't beat yourself up. And no matter how busy I am I always have a few seconds to send a text if I'm interested in them. Just try not to think she's the one that got away or something.

Freak Midget · 28-12-2015 01:13AM

raze_them_all_ wrote: »

Why would I pay for sex?? Weird thing is women like casual sex, no need to pay for it

They do, except they like to have casual sex with about 10% of the male population.

Confucius say · 28-12-2015 01:56AM

Freak Midget wrote: »

They do, except they like to have casual sex with about 10% of the male population.

I slept with someone randomly last week. Am I one of the 10%?

Freak Midget · 28-12-2015 02:01AM

Confucius say wrote: »

I slept with someone randomly last week. Am I one of the 10%?

Maybe. Fact is only a few men get regular casual sex with different women.

Single life as a guy...

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