Single life as a guy...

Fukuyama wrote: »

Yeah, I'd have to agree with you there. It's quite hard to discuss without opening up the possibility of being labeled a misogynist. But I do think it's quite common in Irish marragies and relationships.

It's pretty much a universal theme. If anything Irish women are more easygoing IME/IMHO. Certainly compared to the "macho" Latin cultures.

bcklschaps wrote: »

I have had more than one male friend tell me up straight ..that if it weren't for the kids, he'd be out the door faster than you can say "Legal Separation"

All but two of my married friends have expressed similar. However, don't take this kinda thing as a true reflection of the inner workings of their marriage. They may simply be blowing off steam at that moment. Whinging for the sake of it. The "she never lets me out" another version of that. If they were single in the morning I'd bet the vast majority would find another excuse not to go out with "the lads".

They used to say that Married Men lived longer and were happier than their single brothers

Apparently that's not true and was based on one small scale US study. Wider studies have shown very little of a connection at all, indeed celibate clergy average longer lives. The lowest longevity is found among divorced men and they were originally lumped in with the single cohort. The rate of suicide for divorced men is three times higher than background(the rate for divorced women doesn't change). Plus any such study would be by definition out of date as marriages of say the 1930's had a different dynamic to a marriage of the 2000's. No doubt you could pull a stat from the same numbers that strongly favoured traditional marriages as being the best. Married men have notably lower testosterone levels so that might have an effect on longevity as they'd take fewer physical risks?

As a generalisation I would feel that the genders view relationships quite differently and their approach can differ too(it can also vary with age). Years ago I read an interesting story about a chap(German IIRC?) who had been in a coma for a couple of years. Towards the end of this he was awake, a victim of that trapped in syndrome. Anyway he noticed a difference in the genders of the staff(who figured he was unconscious so were open). he noted the men talked far more about things than people, the women were talking much more about relationships(not just romantic).

For many men relationships are less a focus. They almost have to be cajoled into them. Certainly in the majority of the hetero relationships I've known it's usually the woman driving the different relationship milestones, subtly and not so subtly. This might be seen as controlling by some men*. And relationships have such milestones, they most definitely follow a script with few enough versions of same.

Me personally, I suppose I've just been screwed over once too often and have also seen mates of mine screwed over, so that I figure the odds and think "nope". Of the relationships I've seen and know that work they wouldn't be for me as a general thing, at the moment anyway, but that would be a personal quirk of mine. I reckon some have a limited number of times they can fall in love and men are more limited in general and I'm particularly limited. I suppose my headspace isn't woman friendly romantic relationship wise. As mates, yep more than fine, but there is a very different dynamic going on there.

I don't see that in my own life, but I can only take you (and the other guys that have posted on this) at your word that it does happen.

Men will rarely say this kinda thing to women, even if they're friends. I have found some women partners to be shockingly oblivious to their boyfriend/husbands feelings. As I said many men want to live like that so wouldn't complain anyway. They're happy with it. Other men figure well this is what marriage is all about. So while I - believe it or not - wouldn't be nearly as pessimistic as some on this, the fact that this is another universal meme that has been told and retold since god was a boy tells us that it has some truth. The more recent growth of all this men going their own way(avoidance IMH)** and Red pill guff is reflecting something out there.












*SarahMollie used the phrase "modern domesticated man", it would be humble that this subtle pressure is actually a form of domestication. It also comes from society, not just women and I would contend it's part of what made us modern humans. Look how many male romantic symbols across all sorts of art and cultures are "wild", "bad boys". Pretty much every Mills and Boon uses this type and he nearly always succumbs to her love in the end. That stuff is translated into damn near every language and culture on earth. It has universal appeal. And as I noted earlier when guys are in a couple and the more they're around their wife/gf, the more their testosterone drops, which will tend to make him more "domesticated".


** one might argue that this isn't that new a thing. Back in the day monasticism might have reflected this for many men. Also there were more men only avenues in life. We live in a much more unisex society these days.

I have deleted off topic posts. No more. If you have any issue with this take it to PM

SarahMollie wrote: »

Everyone changes over time and it takes work to grow together instead of apart. I think the trick is to work hard not to take your partner for granted and keep communication as a priority.

When this doesn't happen, thats when all the above stories come into play unfortunately.

Oh certainly SM I would agree, however I think one thing is being missed here, that is some people just don't want that kind of life. Some men just don't want the wife and kids scenario. Some don't want the extended and close family gathered around the table at dinner vibe.

For example the latter is my idea of hell. Well purgatory anyway Those Denny adverts with all the family make my toenails itch. It's just not me. Now I can see this is oddball and have no issue with admitting it. Indeed I spent much of my life trying to deny it and worse, fake it and am happier since I just accepted that I am odd*. Oh and I felt the same way when I was madly in love. Loved them, their family I could take or leave and only in very small doses. Hell, my own family would be in that category too.


OK I'd be an outlier, but more and more men are choosing to not follow the script of their fathers. In cultures like the US it's a minor movement(though I can see why. IMH you'd want to be insane to get hitched in the US as you're much more likely to be screwed as a man if it goes south).

Now of course some of these men might not have a choice. They're just not dating/marriage material as it were. In the old days maybe they would have joined a monastery or got stuck into academia? But I know men who most certainly have choices and they chose not to go down that road, or vow to wait until they're much older than their fathers were to get married and "settle down". Now most men do follow the script and are mostly grand, but enough don't. Enough to impact on the dating scene. Ask any single woman between the ages of 30 and 50 and they'll tell you how it's impacting.






*aside; people who try to be different to be cool irritate the hell out of me. When you're actually different you try damned hard to fit in.

SarahMollie wrote: »

i do think there have been other posts on here that have been a bit "the gentleman doth protest too much" aka women are all moany and relationships will ruin your life.

Maybe that's been their experience? Now because I have women mates I very much get a balance, but if I was to go just on my long term relationships I'd have a very different slant. That slant would be rarely content neurotics with scattered craziness. I later came to realise I was picking this subset of women for some mad reason(my first "proper" girlfriend was a near stereotype and I followed that pattern I reckon) and the blame lay at my feet.

The thing is quite a lot of men actually like that kind of woman. They like to feel a) superior and b) they can "fix" them.

Others feel oddly at home with that kind of woman if their sainted mammy was of that sort. They're often the type who come out with "herself won't let me out" stuff. In my experience of women who were/are nags and browbeaters it's just as often because of the men. They abdicate all responsibility to the replacement "mammy" so the women take on that role(while resenting the man for having to).