Single life as a guy...

beks101 · 30-12-2015 2:33pm

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Well by your own recent admission you ended it with a good looking guy that had a great personalty and all because he was just three inches taller than you. You said you'd have kept him otherwise. You don't think that qualifies as someone having high standards?

Nope. I'd class that as someone having sexual preferences. Just like you probably couldn't force yourself to be attracted to bigger women, or taller women, or super skinny women, or whatever it is that doesn't float your boat.

Normal things that are pretty much out of your control and within your right as long as you're not a dick about it.

NachoBusiness · 30-12-2015 3:20pm

beks101 wrote: »

Just like you probably couldn't force yourself to be attracted to bigger women, or taller women, or super skinny women, or whatever it is that doesn't float your boat.

Well, people can do something about their weight, they can't about their height but, with regards to a woman who is taller though, as said if I dumped a woman just because she was only three inches shorter than me and I'd ideally like if she were at least six or seven shorter, but was more than happy with her in all other ways; looks, personality etc. I think it more than apt for someone to say I had high standards on the back of that.

Overall though, Beks, I think guys appreciate that for a woman looking for a relationship, it would be irksome to only get interest from guys wanting ONSs and flings all the time, of course it would but at least it's something to work with. The odds are overwhelmingly in woman's favour for that reason. Sure, women may have to kiss / go out with a lot of frogs before finding a guy who is not a 'wham bam thank you ma'am' type, but it's not a bad problem to have tbf. I can only imagine the reaction a guy would get if he were to post saying how frustrating it was for him to be treated like a walking penis all the time and to have to deal with women only wanting to shag him all the time.

GFT · 30-12-2015 3:23pm

beks101 wrote: »

Nope. I'd class that as someone having sexual preferences. Just like you probably couldn't force yourself to be attracted to bigger women, or taller women, or super skinny women, or whatever it is that doesn't float your boat.

Normal things that are pretty much out of your control and within your right as long as you're not a dick about it.

I'd say the men that dumped you or your sister probably had the same type of preferences no?

Pawwed Rig · 30-12-2015 4:14pm

NachoBusiness wrote: »

I can only imagine the reaction a guy would get if he were to post saying how frustrating it was for him to be treated like a walking penis all the time and to have to deal with women only wanting to shag him all the time.

To be fair it would drive me mental if everytime I went out I had women constantly interupting me to 'chat me up'. Someone joining in a conversation or having a laugh is always welcome but where someone shmoozing thinking they are Gods gift would get little response from me. This is one of the reasons I was always reluctant to approach women in bars.

On another point it was said below that men are really crap at seeing signals by women. It would also seem to be true (judging from this thread) that women can be crap at spotting guys looking for 1 nighters. I would have thought these guys would be easy to spot?

Tigger99 · 30-12-2015 4:25pm

Ah Pawwed Rig. The innocence. Unfortunately no they aren't. At all at all.

Pawwed Rig · 30-12-2015 4:40pm

Tigger99 wrote: »

Ah Pawwed Rig. The innocence. Unfortunately no they aren't. At all at all.

LOL. I should get out more

NachoBusiness · 30-12-2015 5:03pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

To be fair it would drive me mental if everytime I went out I had women constantly interupting me to 'chat me up'. Someone joining in a conversation or having a laugh is always welcome but where someone shmoozing thinking they are Gods gift would get little response from me. This is one of the reasons I was always reluctant to approach women in bars.

Aye, and I acknowledged that with:

NachoBusiness wrote: »

..I think guys appreciate that for a woman looking for a relationship, it would be irksome to only get interest from guys wanting ONSs and flings all the time, of course it would..

For me it's like this.

Two groups panning for gold. One group has pans to help them with their task and the other has to hope they can spot the gold and then pluck it from the water with their fingers. The group with the pans however keeps complaining to the group with no pans that they are sick of having to deal with all the gravel which they have to constantly sift through in order to find the gold nuggets. Yeah, an issue for them for sure, can't be easy and all that but chances are that the group with no pans would only love to swap their problems for the gravel one.

Mister Vain · 30-12-2015 5:13pm

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Sure, women may have to kiss / go out with a lot of frogs before finding a guy who is not a 'wham bam thank you ma'am' type, but it's not a bad problem to have tbf.

That's what I was thinking. I mean I can see how it would get annoying but surely its better than getting no attention at all, or going for years with no real intimacy. Same with online dating. If I had to choose between going through several bad dates to find someone nice or to remain dateless, I'd most definitely choose the former.

Potatoeman · 30-12-2015 5:20pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

To be fair it would drive me mental if everytime I went out I had women constantly interupting me to 'chat me up'. Someone joining in a conversation or having a laugh is always welcome but where someone shmoozing thinking they are Gods gift would get little response from me. This is one of the reasons I was always reluctant to approach women in bars.

On another point it was said below that men are really crap at seeing signals by women. It would also seem to be true (judging from this thread) that women can be crap at spotting guys looking for 1 nighters. I would have thought these guys would be easy to spot?

Is it really that bad? I would imagine it depends on the venue. I know fairly good looking women that complain about not getting attention off guys when they are single, out and looking to meet someone.

I enjoy chatting to people in the smoking section or at the bar when ordering. People can be very standoffish in Dublin. Standing at the bar looking straight ahead for ten minutes when waiting for drinks. It seems very boring for a social environment.

astonaidan · 30-12-2015 5:47pm

NachoBusiness wrote: »

After a certain point, so do most men, Beks.

Well, if it wasn't, then it would be utopia for women, as they'd still get the sexual attention and it would easy for them to find men who are looking for "something substantial, something real". You don't think that's asking for a lot there? Given how difficult it is for guys?

Well by your own recent admission you ended it with a good looking guy that had a great personalty and all because he was just three inches taller than you. You said you'd have kept him otherwise. You don't think that qualifies as someone having high standards? I think if a guy dumped a woman just because he felt she wasn't the ideal height he'd like, but was happy with her in all other ways, he'd be referred to as a man with high standards and rightly so.

3 Inches taller and got dumped, that right their is utter madness, whats wrong with people and yes that is crazy high standards

Potatoeman · 30-12-2015 5:59pm

astonaidan wrote: »

3 Inches taller and got dumped, that right their is utter madness, whats wrong with people and yes that is crazy high standards

Would it not be worse to stay in a relationship with someone and think you could do better? Especially something they can't change.

GFT · 30-12-2015 6:13pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

Would it not be worse to stay in a relationship with someone and think you could do better? Especially something they can't change.

No one is saying that, but to deny that you have high standards while dumping someone "only 3 inches taller" than you is a bit rich considering the decrying of men for wanting one night stands only.

beks101 · 30-12-2015 7:26pm

GFT wrote: »

No one is saying that, but to deny that you have high standards while dumping someone "only 3 inches taller" than you is a bit rich considering the decrying of men for wanting one night stands only.

Jesus, dog with a bone much. Shall we have a look at what I actually said in an entirely unrelated thread seeing as it's so pertinent to this conversation for so many of you.

When I lived in Canada I dated a guy who was good looking with a great personality but I just couldn't get over the height thing so I ended it.

I'm an absolute short arse myself, barely five foot on a good day, but perpetually in heels and this guy was about 5"3, so shorter than me in heels and the dynamic was just all wrong. The perspective while kissing him felt wrong. It felt like I was hanging out with my little brother or something. It didn't inspire any sexual feelings in me whatsoever, despite him being really goodlooking and a really really decent lovely chap.

Of course, on his dating profile he was 5"8.

So there you go.

Met the guy thinking he was one thing physically, met another. Anyone who's spent any time on dating sites knows that people embellish or lie as though their lives depend on it, women about their weight usually, men about their height, because they tend to be the dealbreakers.

If you're a woman online you'll generally be asked for multiple pictures so the fella can gauge whether or not you're actually 'curvy' in the true sense of the word before you meet, or if he'll be sitting across from you awkwardly telling you that you look 'different from your photos' in real-life. Do these fellas - most fellas - also have 'impossibly high standards', or are they in fact, just human beings with sexual preferences they couldn't change even if they wanted to?

GFT wrote: »

I'd say the men that dumped you or your sister probably had the same type of preferences no?

Maybe so, and they are perfectly entitled to. I'd have no problem whatsoever with some lad not being attracted to me because of my height or my hair colour or whatever.

My point was not about anyone's preferences, it was about the lack of transparency about it all. The false intentions, the emptiness of being left high and dry after building up a relationship with someone, the easy-come-easy-go and how it's the opposite of real intimacy and can leave you feeling just as lonely and just as low as if you were to not meet anyone at all.

Potatoeman · 30-12-2015 9:02pm

GFT wrote: »

No one is saying that, but to deny that you have high standards while dumping someone "only 3 inches taller" than you is a bit rich considering the decrying of men for wanting one night stands only.

There is nothing wrong with having high standards as long as you apply them to yourself. Unrealistic standards are a whole other issue.

You can decry what other people want as much as you want but it's not going to change anything.

NachoBusiness · 31-12-2015 12:29am

Mister Vain wrote: »

That's what I was thinking. I mean I can see how it would get annoying but surely its better than getting no attention at all, or going for years with no real intimacy.

Of course it is better. There is no question about it. Just don't expect to hear many people saying so though. Not the done thing.

If I had to choose between going through several bad dates to find someone nice or to remain dateless, I'd most definitely choose the former.

So would anyone, but again, you won't hear many say so. I have no idea why it appears to be socially acceptable for women to compare the frustration they have dating game players with the frustration men have with being dateless. Seems to me to be one of the most obtuse things a person can do and yet I have seen it done time and again, usually with a straight face. Compounded quite often by the fact that these women sharing their frustrations will get empathy off the very same people who will in turn sneer at men sharing theirs, along with a tired and trite old suggestion that maybe they're coming across as desperate perhaps and maybe should try working on their confidence.

beks101 wrote: »

I'd have no problem whatsoever with some lad not being attracted to me because of my height or my hair colour or whatever.

That's totally different. You weren't discussing mere dating preferences. Sure everyone has them. You were discussing high standards and I remembered that post you had made where you said you had broken up with a guy just because he was only a few inches taller than you. That had given me the distinct impression that you did and so I cited it. Had you chosen not to initially date that guy because of his height, that would be one thing, but it is quite another to date someone, like everything else about them, including their personality and then decide to break up with him. But just to be clear, I have no issue whatsoever with anyone having sexual preferences and refusing to date someone based on that. On the contrary, I think it advisable. However, some people have a very loose set of preferences and they, I would suggest, would do not have very high standards. Then are those that have certain preferences which are quite specific and rigid and they will not date someone even if they like everything else about them and these people of course qualify as having high standards. I'm surprised anyone would argue the contrary.

My point was not about anyone's preferences, it was about the lack of transparency about it all. The false intentions, the emptiness of being left high and dry after building up a relationship with someone, the easy-come-easy-go.

Well, last night you posted:

beks101 wrote: »

I was positively jaded and emotionally exhausted by it all and purely went on a date with my OH to humour myself because I honestly thought he had no chance at all. I was going through the motions. Until he proved to be different from the ones that came before.

So, why is it okay for you to go on a date with a guy when you 'don't think they have a chance'? How come your lack of transparency is less contemptible? Couldn't the guys you ridicule also have been hoping that you / your sister proved to be different from the ones that came before for them?

Tigger99 · 31-12-2015 12:46am

Jesus this is some craic dissecting Beks101 posts :cool:

So this dude lied about his height by five fecking inches and still people are harping on that there's high standards at play!

I've been on a few first dates where the guy lied by a couple of inches. How did they think I wouldn't notice? I was so tempted to say something but didn't.

tomthetank · 31-12-2015 1:03am

Mate let it go, The guy lied about his height. Happens all the time. Its not about the poster having high standards it's about being deceived about someones appearance online and then meeting a different person in real life from what youare attracted to and being in the awkward position of having to bail

On being single, if Im in a good place mentally I dont mind it. Good social circle hobbies good job, time with family. As I get older I find I put less stock in other people for validation, that includes the opposite sex

Pat Mustard · 31-12-2015 1:11am

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Couldn't the guys you ridicule also have been hoping that you / your sister proved to be different from the ones that came before for them?

Realising that some bloke is not subjectively attractive is not the same as ridiculing him. These are two entirely separate things. I didn't see where beks101 ridiculed anybody.

Also, I don't think that I'm the only one who has gone on a date or two with a woman and came to the realisation that it was not to be.

Human height is a sexual preference. Just as some men have preferences for blue eyed blondes, height is a factor for women (and for men, in a different way). That is a fact, not just some capricious turn up for the books.

Here is an example.

Potatoeman · 31-12-2015 1:25am

Tigger99 wrote: »

Jesus this is some craic dissecting Beks101 posts :cool:

So this dude lied about his height by five fecking inches and still people are harping on that there's high standards at play!

I've been on a few first dates where the guy lied by a couple of inches. How did they think I wouldn't notice? I was so tempted to say something but didn't.

I agree that lying is a bad idea and you can't blame someone for having a preference but how would this develop into a relationship? How is this any different from guys pretending to want a relationship when they only want sex?

GFT · 31-12-2015 1:35am

Potatoeman wrote: »

I agree that lying is a bad idea and you can't blame someone for having a preference but how would this develop into a relationship? How is this any different from guys pretending to want a relationship when they only want sex?

FFS :rolleyes: that is what I have been saying all along. Anyway I am saying nothing more as I've had a warning.

Tigger99 · 31-12-2015 1:39am

Potatoeman wrote: »

I agree that lying is a bad idea and you can't blame someone for having a preference but how would this develop into a relationship? How is this any different from guys pretending to want a relationship when they only want sex?

Who is saying they aren't equal? They are both deceptive.

Potatoeman · 31-12-2015 1:45am

Tigger99 wrote: »

Who is saying they aren't equal? They are both deceptive.

Maybe I'm misinterpreting the posts but isn't this related to dumping someone that lied about their height even though they dated for a while?

Pawwed Rig · 31-12-2015 1:59am

Mod note:

Can we let the 3 inches thing drop please. Thx

NachoBusiness · 31-12-2015 1:59am

Pat Mustard wrote: »

Realising that some bloke is not subjectively attractive is not the same as ridiculing him.

I said nothing of the sort.

I didn't see where beks101 ridiculed anybody.

She ridiculed guys who date with false intentions and also some who dated her sister with an easy-come-easy-go attitude.

I suggested she dated with a not too dissimilar attitude and asked her why she felt that it was less contemptible for her to do so.

Potatoeman · 31-12-2015 2:07am

Potatoeman wrote: »

Maybe I'm misinterpreting the posts but isn't this related to dumping someone that lied about their height even though they dated for a while?

I'm more interested in the perspective than the specifics.

Pat Mustard · 31-12-2015 4:08am

NachoBusiness wrote: »

She ridiculed guys who date with false intentions and also some who dated her sister with an easy-come-easy-go attitude.

I suggested she dated with a not too dissimilar attitude and asked her why she felt that it was less contemptible for her to do so.

The 'easy-come-easy-go attitude' was in the context of Tinder users. Easy-come-easy-go is the order of the day on Tinder. That goes for male and female users.

It's not necessarily surprising that people would eventually become disillusioned with those that they might meet using the old 'swipe right to accept, swipe left to reject' system on Tinder. It's a pretty shallow set-up, as anyone who has used it can testify.

This does not amount to ridiculing anybody, nor an accusation of contemptibility.

NachoBusiness · 31-12-2015 3:08pm

Pat Mustard wrote: »

The 'easy-come-easy-go attitude' was in the context of Tinder users. Easy-come-easy-go is the order of the day on Tinder. That goes for male and female users.

It's not necessarily surprising that people would eventually become disillusioned with those that they might meet using the old 'swipe right to accept, swipe left to reject' system on Tinder. It's a pretty shallow set-up, as anyone who has used it can testify.

I'm not sure what makes you think I would disagree with any of the above. I don't.

This does not amount to ridiculing anybody, nor an accusation of contemptibility.

The user quite clearly ridiculed and showed contempt for guys that date girls with false intentions but yet she herself went on a date with a guy only because she felt he had "no chance" with her. That's hardly transparent now is it. And before anyone jumps down my throat and says beks can do what she likes, I have no issue with her or anyone else dating people they feel have no chance with them. Live and let live and all that but don't complain about something that you yourself are guilty of is my point.

Overall though, and the initial reason I posted on the thread, it was primarily the user's obtuse equation between the difficulties and frustrations guys have online when they get no responses, to that of women having to go on lots of dates in order to find a guy who wants something more substantial. To compare the two shows a Padraig Flynn level of insensitivity.

beks101 wrote: »

I think where a lot of men experience this lack of 'success' online, their female counterparts are struggling with all these false starts and failed romances and wasted emotions that embody hookup culture after a certain point. Where yeah, they can "get laid every night of the week" but finding someone who actually cares and wants more when all you get is "you're hot" and booty calls is just as much of a headfcuk.

I mean, wasn't Flynn trying to tell us all what a headfcuk it was trying to keep multiple homes heated? 'Try it sometime' he said and no doubt beks would say the same to the lads daring to whinge about any online drought they experience. 'Yeah, we get lots of attention, and laid when we want, but the wasted energy, emotions and failed romances lads ~ it's just as much as a headfuk as your drought! '.

tomthetank · 31-12-2015 4:26pm

Women always do better online Women always have more choice than men. Women generally get more attention (except if you're an exceptionally good looking bloke) and don't find it so difficult to find sex if that's what they're after.

i don't see this ridicule your talking about at all, I see another perspective on dating that u seem to be hellbent on getting work up about Easy sex isn't every woman's goal, attention from the wrong man/men can be at best unsettling and at worst a nightmare and being treated like your a disposable commodity is fun for no one. So in that sense yeah the frustrations are comparable. They both cause self esteem and self identity problems. Look outside of your own experiences for a minute or two before u just to the defence

silverharp · 31-12-2015 5:14pm

At the risk of sounding very conservative the "hook up" culture seems to be a bit of a no win for everyone. If you are a woman who wants a long term relationship or possibly marriage the last thing you is to be attracting "players" and if you are a bloke with a similar wish, a woman who has 10 or 20 previous sexual partners is going to be a "red flag" and probably not quality marriage material. For everyone else that wants to hump their way through their twenties and thirties yeah go for it! apparently for the guy to be successful (according to the on line gospel called youtube comments :pac: ) the trick is to go for girls who are "4s" if your a 6 and "6s" if you are an 8.

Tigger99 · 31-12-2015 5:28pm

But then those guys wouldn't be marriage material either going by your reckoning. After sleeping with all those women sure wouldn't that be a huge red flag too. Or perhaps double standards are at play here?

Quality marriage material eh? Considering the amount of posts on P.I from men about sexless marriages I'd imagine most men would be delighted to be with a woman that has a good sexual appetite. That usually translates into a few sexual partners if a woman has been single for a while ..

Single life as a guy...

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