Single life as a guy...

Mister Vain · 31-12-2015 5:37pm

silverharp wrote: »

At the risk of sounding very conservative the "hook up" culture seems to be a bit of a no win for everyone. If you are a woman who wants a long term relationship or possibly marriage the last thing you is to be attracting "players" and if you are a bloke with a similar wish, a woman who has 10 or 20 previous sexual partners is going to be a "red flag" and probably not quality marriage material. For everyone else that wants to hump their way through their twenties and thirties yeah go for it! apparently for the guy to be successful (according to the on line gospel called youtube comments :pac: ) the trick is to go for girls who are "4s" if your a 6 and "6s" if you are an 8.

I'd have to disagree there. 10-20 sexual partners is not that many, certainly not enough for it to be a red flag anyway. I'd be more wary of the woman who jumps from relationship to relationship. Her number of sexual partners wouldn't be an issue for me unless it was in the triple digits.

Potatoeman · 31-12-2015 5:40pm

Tigger99 wrote: »

But then those guys wouldn't be marriage material either going by your reckoning. After sleeping with all those women sure wouldn't that be a huge red flag too. Or perhaps double standards are at play here?

Quality marriage material eh? Considering the amount of posts on P.I from men about sexless marriages I'd imagine most men would be delighted to be with a woman that has a good sexual appetite. That usually translates into a few sexual partners if a woman has been single for a while ..

Players usually have charisma and charm which is a positive and fits in with tradition expectations.

A 'good sexual appetite' does not necessarily mean a high number of sexual partners and does not fit with traditional expectations. Most of the PI/RI threads where guys bring up their partners sexual history seem to be when the relationship is moving to a more serious level and the woman has far more (multiple) sexual partners than him.

silverharp · 31-12-2015 7:34pm

Tigger99 wrote: »

But then those guys wouldn't be marriage material either going by your reckoning. After sleeping with all those women sure wouldn't that be a huge red flag too. Or perhaps double standards are at play here?

Quality marriage material eh? Considering the amount of posts on P.I from men about sexless marriages I'd imagine most men would be delighted to be with a woman that has a good sexual appetite. That usually translates into a few sexual partners if a woman has been single for a while ..

There could be a double standard in some cases but I think we agree on this forum that there is an "80/20" thing going on in which a minority of people are doing a lot of "shagging" through their 20 twenties whereas most, apart from a few one nighters possibly, have had relationships with a few people only.
From the guy's perspective and lets say the guy is good "marriage material" good job etc. and lets say that he has had less than 5 partners, wouldnt a woman who has had 3 or 4 times as many partners indicate that this was a woman that is settling? ie would have rejected this guy in the years prior? or to flip it around, the guys this woman was shagging didnt view her as "marriage material" because she was the "6" shagging any 8's that would have her.
I'd imagine a lot of guys would have an issue settling down with someone that had significantly more prior partners than they had.

Pac1Man · 31-12-2015 7:38pm

silverharp wrote: »

I'd imagine a lot of guys would have an issue settling down with someone that had significantly more prior partners than they had.

That's why that conversation should never be had. Partner or no partner, that information is nobody's business but your own. I would never disclose it to anyone. No good can come from it.

Trebor176 · 31-12-2015 7:43pm

Pac1Man wrote: »

That's why that conversation should never be had. Partner or no partner, that information is nobody's business but your own. I would never disclose it to anyone. No good can come from it.

As Jimmy Carr put it: "I had the sexual history conversation with my girlfriend yesterday, where I had to list every girl I'd ever been with. From the girl I lost my virginity to, up to her. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where I should have stopped." :rolleyes:

Tigger99 · 31-12-2015 7:45pm

Oh silverharp there are so many weird assumptions in your post. And lots of makey up stats.So I'm not going to go back and forth on them. I'll say one thing though, this idea of yours that a woman who has more sexual partners than her boyfriend is settling is bizarre. And as for your strange comment about some woman rejecting some man the year before?

I think that it sounds like someone with a pretty big chip on their shoulder.

GFT · 31-12-2015 7:54pm

Couldn't care less how many sexual partners a girl has had. Doesn't affect what kind of person they are.

Wompa1 · 31-12-2015 7:58pm

It's interesting that somebody spoke of marriage material for men including their job. This is something I have wondered for a while. Every woman I have been in a relationship with before has said that the guys 'career' is important..it didn't matter so much what he did, as long as he was doing something and showed ambition. Reading between the lines, ambition was always a contradiction because they really meant, not just any old job...

Where as, I don't know any males that consider a womans career as important in deciding whether or not to stay with them.. as long as it's not something high risk like a stripper or prostitute.

Anybody disagree?

Schwiiing · 31-12-2015 8:04pm

GFT wrote: »

Couldn't care less how many sexual partners a girl has had. Doesn't affect what kind of person they are.

If you were number 100 would you not be worried when number 101 would be coming along?

GFT · 31-12-2015 8:08pm

Schwiiing wrote: »

If you were number 100 would you not be worried when number 101 would be coming along?

Why would that worry me? A cheater is a scumbag that would get no more of my time no matter how many previous partners they have. From a one night stand perspective it still doesn't matter.

Pawwed Rig · 31-12-2015 8:11pm

GFT wrote: »

Couldn't care less how many sexual partners a girl has had. Doesn't affect what kind of person they are.

Have to disagree there. It would have had a major impact on my decision as to whether to continue a relationship or not.
Lying about your past would be a big red flag too.

GFT · 31-12-2015 8:11pm

Tigger99 wrote: »

Oh silverharp there are so many weird assumptions in your post. And lots of makey up stats.So I'm not going to go back and forth on them. I'll say one thing though, this idea of yours that a woman who has more sexual partners than her boyfriend is settling is bizarre. And as for your strange comment about some woman rejecting some man the year before? I think that it sounds like someone with a pretty big chip on their shoulder.

I think that would be classed as a sexual preference. Something people defended only a few posts ago.

GFT · 31-12-2015 8:16pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Have to disagree there. It would have had a major impact on my decision as to whether to continue a relationship or not.
Lying about your past would be a big red flag too.

I don't think I'd even bother asking how many sexual partners someone had. Strikes me to be a bit of an insecure question. Proving someone to be a liar takes a while to realise.

Schwiiing · 31-12-2015 8:24pm

GFT wrote: »

I don't think I'd even bother asking how many sexual partners someone had. Strikes me to be a bit of an insecure question. Proving someone to be a liar takes a while to realise.

I would ask. The more partners they've had the more at risk they were of contracting an STD.

Potatoeman · 31-12-2015 8:29pm

Pac1Man wrote: »

That's why that conversation should never be had. Partner or no partner, that information is nobody's business but your own. I would never disclose it to anyone. No good can come from it.

I don't think anything topic should be off limits for long term partners. The 'don't ask, don't tell' rule is fine for short term relationships but many people will assume the worst if someone refuses to talk about it.

JeffKenna · 31-12-2015 8:35pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

I don't think anything topic should be off limits for long term partners. The 'don't ask, don't tell' rule is fine for short term relationships but many people will assume the worst if someone refuses to talk about it.

This is something that I wonder about. A lot of people have the don't ask rule, yet if you enter into a long term relationship/possibly marriage with that person then surely that is a huge chunk of their life you know nothing about?

Pawwed Rig · 31-12-2015 8:50pm

Possibly an insecure question alright but to get to love someone involves loving them for who they are. Who they are is shaped by their past. Excluding important details would seem (to me at least) to be dishonest at best and honesty is something (I believe) is essential for a successful relationship.

Pac1Man · 31-12-2015 8:56pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Have to disagree there. It would have had a major impact on my decision as to whether to continue a relationship or not.
Lying about your past would be a big red flag too.

How would you know if they were lying or not?

Potatoeman wrote: »

I don't think anything topic should be off limits for long term partners. The 'don't ask, don't tell' rule is fine for short term relationships but many people will assume the worst if someone refuses to talk about it.

I just find that bizarre. It reeks of insecurity and is completely off-putting. If I was given an ultimatum to tell in order to progress the relationship further, I still wouldn't tell. In fact it would be a nice early warning sign that this person is simply not compatible. This might sound strong but it is completely how I feel on the subject.

What do you mean by 'assume the worst'? Too many more than you? Too less than you?

JeffKenna wrote: »

This is something that I wonder about. A lot of people have the don't ask rule, yet if you enter into a long term relationship/possibly marriage with that person then surely that is a huge chunk of their life you know nothing about?

But this is not a chunk of their life. These are fine personal details. A chunk of their life would be where they worked, where they lived, hobbies, holidays at that time etc.

JeffKenna · 31-12-2015 9:10pm

Pac1Man wrote: »

But this is not a chunk of their life. These are fine personal details. A chunk of their life would be where they worked, where they lived, hobbies, holidays at that time etc.

But I know that information about all of my friends/acquaintances, Facebook would probably tell me that. If I am going to commit to spending the rest of my life with someone I would expect to learn the fine personal details.

Pawwed Rig · 31-12-2015 9:19pm

Pac1Man wrote: »

How would you know if they were lying or not?.

Not sure if you are being serious here?
How do you ever know your partner is lying?
A trust is built up over time based on behaviours and actions.

Potatoeman · 31-12-2015 9:21pm

Pac1Man wrote: »

I just find that bizarre. It reeks of insecurity and is completely off-putting. If I was given an ultimatum to tell in order to progress the relationship further, I still wouldn't tell. In fact it would be a nice early warning sign that this person is simply not compatible. This might sound strong but it is completely how I feel on the subject.

What do you mean by 'assume the worst'? Too many more than you? Too less than you?

Whatever their preference is. There was that thread where the guy found out his girlfriend had over 500 sexual partners and it was a deal breaker for him.

Pac1Man · 31-12-2015 9:32pm

JeffKenna wrote: »

But I know that information about all of my friends/acquaintances, Facebook would probably tell me that. If I am going to commit to spending the rest of my life with someone I would expect to learn the fine personal details.

So just to be clear:

You're going out with a girl and getting on great. You both decide to progress further and then ask each other how many people you have been with. One of you doesn't like the answer, you break up and move on?

Is this the same as having unrealistically high standards?

NachoBusiness · 31-12-2015 9:35pm

tomthetank wrote: »

I see another perspective on dating that u seem to be hellbent on getting work up about Easy sex isn't every woman's goal, attention from the wrong man/men can be at best unsettling and at worst a nightmare and being treated like your a disposable commodity is fun for no one.

Not worked up. Just don't agree and I never said nor suggested that easy sex was "every woman's goal' or any woman's goal for that matter. For the third time, I absolutely get that women have reasons to be frustrated with regards to dating but my point is that they do not compare, on any rational level at least, to the frustrations of those who can't get any dates. Comparing the frustrations of women having to deal with men who only want one thing, to the frustrations of men (or women) who struggle to get any dates, is absurd. The only thing that should be compared to the frustrations of women having to deal with men who only want one thing... would be the frustrations of men having to deal with women who only want one thing.

So in that sense yeah the frustrations are comparable.

No, they are not. It's just as a society we have allowed women to equate the two for so long now that it seems reasonable to do so. It's like saying the frustrations of someone who keeps having trouble with cars they buy compares to the frustrations of someone who can't afford a bloody car.

They both cause self esteem and self identity problems. Look outside of your own experiences for a minute or two before u just to the defence

Ah I see. I must have had trouble getting dates online myself, to be expressing these views, is that it? Just for the record: I have never used a dating site in my life and have never even seen Tinder, let alone used it. I'm 41 and feel too old for that malarkey thanks. I do however have eyes, ears and so can read and listen to the experiences others have had with these things, from both sexes, and I find it obnoxious for any person, women or man, that has struggles with finding genuine people who are looking for something substantial and compares that to the frustrations some have with not getting any dates whatsoever.

Mister Vain · 01-01-2016 8:28am

Is this something most couples discuss at some stage? How many partners they've had. How many is too many? Is there a cut off point? "Ohh you've been with 18 people, that's ok dear. If you had of said over 25 I'd have given you the elbow."

JeffKenna · 01-01-2016 2:23pm

Pac1Man wrote: »

So just to be clear:

You're going out with a girl and getting on great. You both decide to progress further and then ask each other how many people you have been with. One of you doesn't like the answer, you break up and move on?

Is this the same as having unrealistically high standards?

It is high standards but I would hope they are not unrealistic. Let's use an example of a couple I know. The girl has had multiple threesomes and indeed caught an Sti from one of these. Now I don't know anything about the relationship and if they have discussed this but I would prefer to know that information about her before settlying into something serious and to answer your question above, yes I would break up with her regardless of how well we were getting on.

Dial Hard · 01-01-2016 2:27pm

Mister Vain wrote:

Is this something most couples discuss at some stage? How many partners they've had. How many is too many? Is there a cut off point? "Ohh you've been with 18 people, that's ok dear. If you had of said over 25 I'd have given you the elbow."

It's bizarre. And every time it comes up on Boards it's a guy who has the issue. I've never once seen a thread started by a girl who had a problem with her boyfriend's "number".

brianregan09 · 03-01-2016 1:28am

So tinder what do ye all make of it ? Anyone have success on it ?

Lithium93_ · 03-01-2016 1:32am

Never used it, never will, personally I think it's a waste of time.

GFT · 03-01-2016 1:34am

brianregan09 wrote: »

So tinder what do ye all make of it ? Anyone have success on it ?

No and I doubt if I would tbh.

Confucius say · 03-01-2016 1:34am

Dial Hard wrote: »

It's bizarre. And every time it comes up on Boards it's a guy who has the issue. I've never once seen a thread started by a girl who had a problem with her boyfriend's "number".

Men are just wired differently. A gf I had once told me something like 80 partners, and she brought up the topic not me! Freaked me out tbh mine wouldn't even be half that. I guess maybe it made me feel less special or something really immature like that. Double standards at their finest considering I've had tonnes of random partners myself.

Single life as a guy...

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