The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

K.Flyer · 08-11-2015 04:59PM

Little Johnny's new and very attractive teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $100 I can guess what colour your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the bathroom and removes her underwear.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue", he says with a cheeky smile.
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she slowly turns around and lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well you will have to come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money."
She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad groans and bangs the steering wheel and exclaims: "That little son ofa b!tch! He bet me $200 this morning that he'd see your bare ass before the end of the day, and that you would be aright about it!"

K.Flyer · 08-11-2015 05:06PM

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You even asked your neighbour for help?"
The old man replied, "Yep, and not one of us could get the stupid jar open."

K.Flyer · 09-11-2015 04:06AM

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.
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LADDER, I MEANT TO SAY LADDER.

K.Flyer · 09-11-2015 04:14AM

A passenger in a Taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up onto the footpath, and stops the car inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver turns to the passenger and says,
"Jesus Christ don't ever do that again. You scared the living Hell out of me!"

The passenger apologised and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap on the shoulder would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Look I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a Taxi driver, it's just that I've been driving a Hearse for the last 25 years!"

K.Flyer · 09-11-2015 04:18AM

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his big book and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts some designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flushing toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.

"What? You've got an engineer? That must be a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.

"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.

"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Savage Tyrant · 09-11-2015 07:54PM

"Mam, can I wear a dress?"
"No"
"Mam, can I wear make up?"
"No"
"Mam, can I have a boyfriend?"
"No"
"But Mam, I'm 18!"
"I know Kevin, I know"

MonkieSocks · 10-11-2015 06:11PM

We call my Granddad "Spiderman".

Not because he has special powers.

It's just because he has trouble getting out of the bath.

valoren · 10-11-2015 06:18PM

Bill and Ralph were approaching the first tee.
Ralph goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball."

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

Bill replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Ralph replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, Bill doesn't believe him, but Ralph shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Bill says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"
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Ralph replies, "I found it."

rolliepoley · 10-11-2015 10:02PM

Whats the difference between a hospital and a caravan site?

There is more wards in a caravan site.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-11-2015 12:36AM

I forged my dad's signature and put all his vital organs up for donation,all against his will.

He'll be gutted.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-11-2015 12:40AM

Warning: DO NOT study Reverse Psychology.

efb · 11-11-2015 01:49AM

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

"Mam, can I wear a dress?"
"No"
"Mam, can I wear make up?"
"No"
"Mam, can I have a boyfriend?"
"No"
"But Mam, I'm 18!"
"I know Kevin, I know"

The 1950's called, they want their joke back

Mr Tibbs · 11-11-2015 07:22PM

I was sat at the computer the other night when my wife asked me what I was doing
"i'm looking for cheap flights", I said.
"I love you" she said. She then got all excited and started to kiss me saying care for an early night. Strange thing is, she has never shown any interest in darts before.

Clive Bisquette · 11-11-2015 10:13PM

Heinze was sitting in a bar in Berlin...when in walked Hitler !

"Jeeze Adolf ...I thought you were dead" ?

"No No Heinze..fooled the Allies ...still hale and hearty"

"Good man Addie ..now that your here I must ask ..would you have done anything different"?

"Not really Heinze...would have still killed 6 million Jews....but I would have also shot two badgers"

"Sheeet Adolf....why would you shoot two badgers "?

"Heinze ..everybody asks me that ...just proves they don't give a fawk about the 6 million Jews"!

Nodster · 12-11-2015 03:33AM

The mother of a 10 year old boy was tidying his room, and came across a 'naughty' magazine. She showed her husband, and was quite worried...

"Look at this, I found it in his room, it's a bondage magazine... what do you think we should do?"

Husband replies: "Well for one thing I think you should stop spanking him when he's in trouble..."

EoghanIRL · 19-11-2015 01:12PM

They say one in every two and a half men is HIV positive.

coolhull · 19-11-2015 05:14PM

Poor Stevie Wonder got a really bad deal off the Divorce Court Judge.
He has to hand over 25k a month in support payments for the kids.
But he never sees them.

MonkieSocks · 19-11-2015 06:24PM

A blind man hires a prostitute but as he's blind, he gets the poxiest old boot on the street.

They go upstairs and he starts to rub her spotty arse.

"Don't worry" she says, "its only acne."

"Thank fook for that!" says the blind man.

"I thought it was the price list!"

rolliepoley · 20-11-2015 01:03AM

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Blow that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

branie2 · 20-11-2015 01:18AM

Sir Bobby Robson is queuing outside the Pearly Gates, waiting with the other recently deceased to be let into Heaven, when he is surprised to see a familiar figure with dark wavy hair and a sheepskin coat approaching Saint Peter.
"Look young man," said the man loudly (and in a slightly nasal voice) to Saint Peter, "You need to change your attitude and work harder, or you're off the team. All right?"
Saint Peter says something quietly and deferentially to the man, who then strides off.
When Sir Bobby gets to the front to the line, he asks Saint Peter "Wasn't that Brian Clough telling you off?"
"Oh, no" says Saint Peter, "that was God, he just thinks he's Brian Clough"

mckar · 20-11-2015 03:17AM

What's your favourite childhood memory?

Falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed........... I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

mbur · 21-11-2015 11:02PM

Here's an old joke about a preacher who loved his wine, and the parishioner who gave him a case of his favorite wine, on the condition that the preacher mentioned it in the church newsletter.

The newsletter said, "I would like to thank Brother Fred for his generous gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."

Capt'n Midnight · 22-11-2015 12:58PM

I found this on the interwebs.

xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.

xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"

xxx: You're gonna love this

xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.

xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".

xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am.

xxx: (and the oscar goes to) ****ingcoffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens an SSH session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has SSHD up and running) and sends some weird gibberish to it. Looks binary. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk.

coolhull · 22-11-2015 09:46PM

My wife threw all my clothes out the bedroom window and told me to leave the house immediately. As I walked out the front door she screamed, ''You bast@rd, I wish you a slow and painful death''

''Oh'', I replied, ''so now you want me to fcukin' stay''

gramar · 22-11-2015 09:57PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I found this on the interwebs.

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You should have left it there. I've no idea what any of that is about.

Christyd · 22-11-2015 10:03PM

^^^
What type of sheite was that??

22-11-2015 10:15PM

gramar wrote: »

You should have left it there. I've no idea what any of that is about.

If you're a SA in IT then you'll rofl

black_frosch · 22-11-2015 10:16PM

coolhull wrote: »

My wife threw all my clothes out the bedroom window and told me to leave the house immediately. As I walked out the front door she screamed, ''You bast@rd, I wish you a slow and painful death''

''Oh'', I replied, ''so now you want me to fcukin' stay''

http://i.imgur.com/r7cq0g5.gifv

gramar · 22-11-2015 10:17PM

Deleted User wrote: »

If you're a SA in IT then you'll rofl

SA...systems admin...silly arsehole???

Shannon757 · 22-11-2015 10:19PM

Deleted User wrote: »

If you're a SA in IT then you'll rofl

Most of us aren't though:rolleyes:

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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