The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

chewed · 30-04-2015 03:25PM

I've just played the UKIP version of Cluedo.

It was the immigrants, all the time, everywhere.

D_murph · 01-05-2015 10:06PM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

What's Snow Whites Favourite Drink?

7up n' Cider

I thought it was either Dixons cider or Cummins cider lol

:pac::pac:

steddyeddy · 02-05-2015 10:17AM

Keith Harris RIP
Orville KFC

TheLastMohican · 05-05-2015 03:18PM

A few nights ago in a bar, the conversation at the next table went like this:
"Man you look really tired".

"Yeah. I'm exhausted. The girlfriend wants it three or four times a day. On our days off she goes down on me as soon as she wakes up".

An older fellow sitting on his own at the bar, turns around and says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit".

coolhull · 07-05-2015 12:05PM

What do you call an angry Muslim?

Amin Amood

foxy farmer · 07-05-2015 04:03PM

Too lazy to type it out so here.

beauf · 07-05-2015 04:19PM

Blame OCR for spelling, and for the benefit of those of use who read these via email notifications on the mobile.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him
unmercifully. From morning to night (and sometimes
later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought
him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the
shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his
lunch. Immediately, his wife began pestering him.
Complain, nag, nag; ¡t just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both
hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed
something rather odd. When a woman mourner would
approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man
mourner approached him, he would listen for a
minute, then shake his head ¡n disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister
spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he
nodded his head and agreed with the women, but
always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up
and say something about how nice my wife looked, or
how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head ¡n
agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know ¡f the mule was for sale.”

tayto lover · 07-05-2015 04:21PM

A lot of mental telepathy here today.

ohmslaw · 10-05-2015 10:56PM

tayto lover wrote: »

A lot of mental telepathy here today.

I was thinking exactly the same thing on Friday, and then I saw your post today.

agent graves · 10-05-2015 11:45PM

What do you call an epileptic in a bunch of leaves....... russell

What do you do if someone starts to have an epileptic fit in the bath..... throw in your washing

CUCINA · 11-05-2015 08:02AM

She offered her honour, he honoured her offer...and all night long it was honour and offer!

The Master · 11-05-2015 08:06AM

agent graves wrote: »

What do you do if someone starts to have an epileptic fit in the bath..... throw in your washing

:mad: I find the extremely offensive!
My brother was an epileptic and died in the bath..

..he chocked to death on a sock

Hagar7 · 11-05-2015 07:02PM

ohmslaw wrote: »

I was thinking exactly the same thing on Friday, and then I saw your post today.

I knew you would say that.:)

Meanwhile.

Murphy and Riley meet in a Dublin bar, both now in their thirties and have not seen each other since school.

Riley says "Murphy hows tricks", he responds by saying he is in the nails business but he is on the verge of bankruptcy.

Riley tells him that he is very successful in advertising - London, Paris, New York, Ballymun, Shettleston etc and will give him free advertising to help him back on his financial feet. They part with Murphy showing his gratitiude to his old schoolpal.

A week later Murphy is driving down Leeson Street in Dublin city centre when he looks up at a billboard and theres Jesus on the cross with the caption

EVEN THE ROMANS USED MURPHYS NAILS

Murphy is horrified and phones his old schoolmate "Riley,i appreciate the gesture but remember this is Ireland and using Jesus on the crucifix maybe offensive to many people"

"No bother Murph, give me a week and i will sort it out"

A week later Murphy is driving down O'Connell street when he looks up at an even bigger billboard with a crucifix with Jesus lying below it in a heap with the caption

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T USE MURPHYS NAILS.

Hagar7 · 11-05-2015 07:04PM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!"

"Your eyes work", replies the duck, wryly.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"And your ears", says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".

"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that... it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

The landlord watches, astounded, as the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

The duck visits regularly for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the owner, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck inquires, a bit bemused.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"What, the place with the big tent?. Big canvas roof, hole in the middle, loads of animals?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What the fook do they need a plasterer for?"

MonkieSocks · 11-05-2015 11:48PM

The Master wrote: »

:mad: I find the extremely offensive!
My brother was an epileptic and died in the bath..

..he chocked to death on a sock

Ay least it was a Clean Death :rolleyes:

JCX BXC · 11-05-2015 11:54PM

Hagar7 wrote: »

A duck walks into a pub

The duck looks confused. "What the fook do they need a plasterer for?"

Such a long joke with such a below average punchline.

DrGreenthumb · 12-05-2015 01:15AM

So did you hear about the midget that got pick pocketed in town last weekend?

Who would have thought anyboby could stoop so low.

glynf · 12-05-2015 06:28AM

Did you year about the midget who went to a brothel?

He got a box in the face....

dilallio · 12-05-2015 12:55PM

glynf wrote: »

Did you year about the midget who went to a brothel?

He got a box in the face....

and a clit around the ear ..

Hagar7 · 12-05-2015 05:44PM

Carnacalla wrote: »

Such a long joke with such a below average punchline.

Not bad,13 nice people said thanks,it canny be that bad otherwise they wudny have said thanks surely.

12-05-2015 07:22PM

The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals for the National Health Service.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but,
The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists- had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
While the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Whitehall.

rolliepoley · 12-05-2015 07:44PM

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year,
only two banks will be left operational...
The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank,
and before you know it, these two will merge,
and the whole place will be full of bloody ****!

MonkieSocks · 13-05-2015 12:21AM

Father O'Malley was reviewing the homework in the Biology class one morning.

"Mary Margaret", he said,

"can you tell us what part of the body expands to ten times its size when excited?"

Mary Margaret blushed and exclaimed,

"Why, Father! I'm going to tell my parents what you said. You should be ashamed of yourself, saying things like that in a church school."

Father O'Malley asked another student, Maria Theresa, if she knew the answer. Maria Theresa said,

"It's the iris of the eye."

"Correct", said Father O'Malley.

Then he turned and said,

"Mary Margaret,I have just three things to say to you. First, you have a very dirty mind.

Second, you obviously did not do your Biology homework last night.

Third, when you get a little older you are going to be very disappointed

chughes · 13-05-2015 11:51AM

rolliepoley wrote: »

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year,
only two banks will be left operational...
The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank,
and before you know it, these two will merge,
and the whole place will be full of bloody ****!

I wonder do sperm banks ever have to do quantitative easing??

dilallio · 13-05-2015 01:22PM

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

rolliepoley · 13-05-2015 08:12PM

chughes wrote: »

I wonder do sperm banks ever have to do quantitative easing??

Stimulate the donors.

Hagar7 · 14-05-2015 10:43AM

A rabbit walked into a butchers, walked up to the counter and says 'Got any carrots?'. 'No mate' said the butcher, 'This is a butchers. Try the veg shop down the road'.

The following day, the rabbit walks into the buchers, walked up to the counter and says 'Got any carrots?'. 'No' said the butcher, ''Aren't up you the same rabbit as yesterday? I already told you. This is a butchers. Try the veg shop down the road'.

This continues for a couple of days, until finally the butcher lost patience. 'Listen you' he said, 'If you come in here one more day and ask for carrots, I'm going to nail your ****in' ears to the counter!!'

The following day, the rabbit arrives back. 'Got any nails?' he asked the butcher. 'No' said the butcher. '

OK' said the rabbit. 'Got any carrots?!'

Hagar7 · 14-05-2015 10:43AM

A rabbit walked into a butchers, walked up to the counter and says 'Got any carrots?'. 'No mate' said the butcher, 'This is a butchers. Try the veg shop down the road'.

The following day, the rabbit walks into the buchers, walked up to the counter and says 'Got any carrots?'. 'No' said the butcher, ''Aren't up you the same rabbit as yesterday? I already told you. This is a butchers. Try the veg shop down the road'.

This continues for a couple of days, until finally the butcher lost patience. 'Listen you' he said, 'If you come in here one more day and ask for carrots, I'm going to nail your ****in' ears to the counter!!'

The following day, the rabbit arrives back. 'Got any nails?' he asked the butcher. 'No' said the butcher. '

OK' said the rabbit. 'Got any carrots?!'

eisenberg1 · 14-05-2015 11:32AM

Mick Hucknall was caught having sex with a rabbit.

The judge asked had he anything to say for himself.

He replied "I was holding back the ears, 'cos the bunny was too tight to mention"

PM me nudes · 14-05-2015 01:07PM

A man was walking to the pub to meet his friends. To get to the pub he had to cross a set of train tracks.

When he got to the train tracks, he found a girl lying there, tied up. He kindly untied her, and they had sex.

Afterwards, the man continued onto the pub and told his friends the story. "Did you get head?" one said. "No, she didn't have one" the man replied.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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