The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

tayto lover · 16-03-2015 12:47PM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.
Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?
Walter: It's on the house.

????
Ah I don't get this.

inc21 · 16-03-2015 01:14PM

tayto lover wrote: »

????
Ah I don't get this.

I'd say there is many of us who don't get it.

jcsoulinger · 16-03-2015 01:16PM

tayto lover wrote: »

????
Ah I don't get this.

It relates to breaking bad where the lead character throws a pizza on to the roof of the house. It not very funny any way so I wouldn't worry about it.

MonkieSocks · 16-03-2015 08:26PM

A cowboy walks into the town saloon and gets a drink.

Aside from the bartender, he's the only one in the place.

Cowboy asks the bartender, "Where's everybody."

Bartender replies, "They're out to to watch the hangin'"

Cowboy says, "Who's hangin'?"

Bartender says, "Brown Paper Pete."

Cowboy shakes his head and says, "Brown Paper Pete?! What kind of name is that?"

"Well," says the barman, "He always wears a brown paper hat, brown paper coat, paper pants, and paper shoes."

"Weird," says the Cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

Bartender says, "Rustling."

Conor Bourke · 16-03-2015 10:24PM

What did Saint Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?

Howaye gettin' on in the back there, lads?!

So bad it's good

EoghanIRL · 16-03-2015 10:30PM

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...
You have my word.

I hope this excel-ent joke makes up for my previous breaking bad joke.

Buona Fortuna · 19-03-2015 08:50AM

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barrie went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being akward...

..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

jimgoose · 20-03-2015 04:51PM

O'Sullivan, a Kerryman, had been at sea since he was a wee lad and after working hard for decades, knowing his navigation and engines and so forth up down and sideways, eventually landed a fairly plum job as Second Officer on a large cruise liner.

One azure morning during a long, leisurely voyage in the Caribbean, he walks onto the bridge to encounter the Captain on the telephone:

"Yes, of course... I understand. Dreadful business, tragic. Of course I'll have that taken care of, I'll see to it immediately. You're welcome, condolences once again. Alright. 'Bye! <click> Ah, there you are Number Two. Listen, I'm afraid someone has died during the night, could you pop along to cabin 212 this morning and arrange to have the occupant buried at sea?"

"Certainly sir, at once!" says O'Sullivan, and off he pops.

The following morning O'Sullivan reports to the bridge again. "Sir, I'd just like to report that I went to cabin 121 yesterday morning and had the occcupant buried at sea, as instructed!"

"Oh my good God!!" said the Captain, "I said cabin 212, Number Two! Who was in 121??"

"A Corkman, sir."

"Was he dead?!?"

"Well, he said he wasn't... but shure you know these Cork fellas sir, they're terrible liars!"

everlast75 · 20-03-2015 04:55PM

jimgoose wrote: »

O'Sullivan, a Kerryman, had been at sea since he was a wee lad and after working hard for decades, knowing his navigation and engines and so forth up down and sideways, eventually landed a fairly plum job as Second Officer on a large cruise liner.

One azure morning during a long, leisurely voyage in the Caribbean, he walks onto the bridge to encounter the Captain on the telephone:

"Yes, of course... I understand. Dreadful business, tragic. Of course I'll have that taken care of, I'll see to it immediately. You're welcome, condolences once again. Alright. 'Bye! <click> Ah, there you are Number Two. Listen, I'm afraid someone has died during the night, could you pop along to cabin 212 this morning and arrange to have the occupant buried at sea?"

"Certainly sir, at once!" says O'Sullivan, and off he pops.

The following morning O'Sullivan reports to the bridge again. "Sir, I'd just like to report that I went to cabin 121 yesterday morning and had the occcupant buried at sea, as instructed!"

"Oh my good God!!" said the Captain, "I said cabin 212, Number One! Who was in 121??"

"A Corkman, sir."

"Was he dead?!?"

"Well, he said he wasn't... but shure you know these Cork fellas sir, they're terrible liars!"

If he was from Cork, would he not float?

jimgoose · 20-03-2015 04:56PM

everlast75 wrote: »

If he was from Cork, would he not float?

Get your own bloody coat!

Capt'n Midnight · 20-03-2015 08:08PM

The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

ohmslaw · 20-03-2015 10:06PM

I think that solar eclipse was a giant cover up.

EoghanIRL · 20-03-2015 10:41PM

Put the punchline in the title.

How do you ruin a joke?

bnt · 20-03-2015 10:51PM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...
You have my word.

I hope this excel-ent joke makes up for my previous breaking bad joke.

Nope. I'm revoking your Access until you get to the Powerpoint and improve your Outlook.

Hope this one's not in too poor taste ...
A man and a little girl are walking, hand-in-hand, in to a forest.
"I'm scared!" says the little girl.
The man replies: "you're scared? I'm the one who's got to walk back home by myself!"

EoghanIRL · 21-03-2015 12:00AM

Where do atheists donate their money?

To non-prophet organisations.

Savage Tyrant · 21-03-2015 07:17PM

The wife was complaining about a fly buzzing around the room earlier. A few whacks with my rolled up newspaper sorted that out.
The fly IS starting to get a bit annoying though.

MonkieSocks · 22-03-2015 02:25PM

Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

kivinsoitis · 22-03-2015 10:01PM

Whats the fastest thing on land?

stevie wonder's speedboat....

Cheese Wagstaff · 22-03-2015 11:42PM

I bought Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. Left it at his house with the concierge and went home. Called in to see him a few days later and asked him what he thought of the gift.

"Man, that was the most violent book I ever read!".

Busted Flat. · 22-03-2015 11:47PM

The head nun called all her young nuns in for a talk, During her address she informed them "we have a case of syphilis among us", one of the younger nuns said "thank god I am sick of drinking that merlot".

EoghanIRL · 23-03-2015 12:49AM

kivinsoitis wrote: »

Whats the fastest thing on land?

stevie wonder's speedboat....

I bet you he didn't see that coming.

bnt · 23-03-2015 12:59AM

Q: What does Stevie Wonder's girlfriend do when she's annoyed at him?
A: Rearrange the furniture.

Hagar7 · 24-03-2015 05:33PM

Phone sex is bad for you.
You could end up with hearing aids.

Curly Judge · 25-03-2015 03:46PM

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
.........................................................................

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
.........................................................................

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about
..........................................................................

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.
Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
.........................................................................

Mr. CooL ICE · 25-03-2015 04:31PM

Q: How much space is required for fungus to grow?

A: As mushroom as possible

ohmslaw · 25-03-2015 08:37PM

If God had wanted us to go metric there would have been 10 apostles not 12.

Mr. CooL ICE · 25-03-2015 09:13PM

A photon walks into a hotel and goes to the check-in desk. It is asked if it has any luggage. It's response:

No, I'm travelling light

Steven81 · 25-03-2015 09:26PM

Paddys over in Jimmy's house having a few beers watching the football
After a few hours jimmy say to paddy it's lashing outside no point in you walking up the road you'll get drenched I'll go up and make the spare bed
"Great says paddy"
When jimmy comes down the stairs Paddys standing there soaked to the skin
"What the fcuk happened you"
"I ran home to get me pyjamas "

nootroc · 25-03-2015 09:27PM

ohmslaw wrote: »

If God had wanted us to go metric there would have been 10 apostles not 12.

But she gave us 10 commandments

EoghanIRL · 25-03-2015 11:30PM

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.
I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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