The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

wilser · 22-01-2015 11:57AM

Just saw this on twitter...

[Dragon's Den]
'I'm Jim and this is my invention - the Thing Basher.'
'Hi, Jim. From here it looks like a normal hammer.'
'A normal what?'

hollster2 · 22-01-2015 12:25PM

“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!”

eisenberg1 · 22-01-2015 03:17PM

It's breakfast time, and a wife asks her husband "Honey, would you like some bacon, eggs and toast?"

Husband.."No, thanks, it's the viagra, I have no appetite"

Lunchtime, she asks " How about a nice ham sandwich, just the way you like it? or a nice bowl of chicken soup?"

He replies "No, it has to be the viagra, not hungry at all, thanks"

Dinnertime and she asks "What about a nice sirloin and all the trimmings, apple pie for dessert?"

He again replies "Sorry love, not a bit hungry, I am sure it;s the viagra"

Suppertime, she asks "What about a nice chinese takeaway, you pick?"

He replies "No, I could not eat a thing, stop asking me, it's the viagra!"

"Well" she says, "would you mind letting me up, I am fcuking starving"

chewed · 22-01-2015 03:26PM

How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. If it was broken, the market would have fixed it.

bladespin · 22-01-2015 08:52PM

A child walks in to the living room and asks

"Dad, where does Poo come from?"

Without wanting to be too explicit the father replies

"Well, son. First Mummy makes us dinner. Then we eat it. Then the body takes away all the goodness from the food to make us strong. Then we sit on the toilet and what's left comes out as poo".

Looking stunned and somewhat upset the child replies,

"And what about Tigger?"

Comer1 · 22-01-2015 09:04PM

bladespin wrote: »

A child walks in to the living room and asks

"Dad, where does Poo come from?"

Without wanting to be too explicit the father replies

"Well, son. First Mummy makes us dinner. Then we eat it. Then the body takes away all the goodness from the food to make us strong. Then we sit on the toilet and what's left comes out as poo".

Looking stunned and somewhat upset the child replies,

"And what about Tigger?"

The punch line was so predictable, even the first time.

bladespin · 23-01-2015 02:39PM

Comer1 wrote: »

The punch line was so predictable, even the first time.

Don't get it?

chewed · 23-01-2015 02:46PM

Q. How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. One! They're very efficient.....and not very funny!

Comer1 · 23-01-2015 03:05PM

bladespin wrote: »

Don't get it?

You had a double post.

Capt'n Midnight · 23-01-2015 06:26PM

chewed wrote: »

Q. How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. One! They're very efficient.....and not very funny!

Some German humour

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oB6DN5dYWo

Also dubbed into English https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPpwLCvPAME

PLUG71 · 23-01-2015 06:28PM

Little girl says to her mom "mommy mommy why do I keep getting nose bleeds?"

Mommy replies " shut up c*nt face"

Well I find it funny

rolliepoley · 24-01-2015 02:08PM

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it
would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right.
We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

rolliepoley · 24-01-2015 02:18PM

One in three Americans weighs as much as the other two.

rolliepoley · 24-01-2015 02:20PM

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
Ireland so that they can see their own doctor.

rolliepoley · 24-01-2015 05:04PM

Tesco has announced 20k new jobs to be created in the Ireland. The Prime Minister of Poland has welcomed the news.

Curly Judge · 26-01-2015 08:47PM

Tommy Cooper Lives

> The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
> cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
>
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
> was
> standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
> hours
> later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
> they've lost the
> plot!!
>
>
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
> our local
> pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one
> cheaper off
> the web.
>
>
> I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
> her
> balance, so I pushed her over.
>
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
> move.
>
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was
> sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself,
> that
> guy's heading for a breakdown.
>
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
>
>
> My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe
> that,2:30am ?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
>
>
> Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
> "Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
>
>
> My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
> girlfriend yet.
>
>
> I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
> reincarnated
> but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to
> come
> back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."
>
>
> The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
> worst. So
> I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
>
>
> Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
> Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
>
>
> Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
> stopped
> breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her
> forehead and
> realised she was just on standby.
>
>
> The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table
> when she
> suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I
> thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
>
>
> When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
> wouldn't
> feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a
> pair of
> sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the ***** thing!
>
>
> Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
> people in
> the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following
> some kind
> of pattern.
>
>
> Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat
> it!
>
>
> A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
> when he
> returns he notices his pick has been stolen.The bear is angry and
> reports the
> theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I
> forgot to
> tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
>
>
> Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
> "I'm sending a voice mail ya thick ***!"
>
>
> Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
> head with a
> tennis ball.It was a lovely service.
>
>
> 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
> Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
>

Capt'n Midnight · 26-01-2015 10:46PM

Curly Judge wrote: »

Tommy Cooper Lives

There Tim Vine jokes aren't they ?

Glass coffins - will they catch on???

Remains to be seen...

got a call from my electric company to tell me that my bill was outstanding
I said thanks

At a party everyone is dancing and having a good time, except e^x who is sitting in the corner.
Sin(x) notices so comes over and says “Why don’t you stop moping in the corner and try and integrate yourself?"

e^x meekly responds, "I just can't. It'll make no difference!"

She's a girl of outstanding dimensions
(Two of which were her surgeon's inventions).
She's got 36D-
22-33,
And a PhD nobody mentions.

Here's another Paisley joke, as old as the ages...

I was walking down Belfast High Street last Saturday, and who should I see in the distance, Ian Paisley, standing there with a bike in his hands, above his head.

I went up to Paisley and asked him:

"Dr Paisley, why have you got that bicycle above your head?"

To which Paisley replies at the top of his voice:

"I'M HOLDING A RALEIGH!!""

What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

Sky Sports are aggressively expanding their portfolio, and have just acquired
the rights to the world origami championships. Fans without premium channels
are, however, up in arms

Sadly it's pay-per-view

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily I escaped with just some Super Fish oil injuries.....

Capt'n Midnight · 26-01-2015 11:00PM

Strachanisms

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were
better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the
England squad?
Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish!

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the
Coventry one, that's for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We
Were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into
Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Reporter: Gordon, Agustin Delgado?
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy
To get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to
Bother answering that one.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!

Gary Lineker asked Gordon Strachan about the problems in the English camp , and finished by saying "Gordon , what would YOU do if you were English"

to which Strachan replied , completely deadpan "top maself"

just after he got the Southampton Job...they lost so he went into the dressing room and said O.K lads 9:00am tomorrow want you all in for training.

Next day 9:00am, no show for Gordon...then at 10:30 the team get a call,

Gordon: Right lads you wasted 90mins of my time yesterday, I wasted 90mins of yours today. So we're even. See you tomorrow at training."

Capt'n Midnight · 26-01-2015 11:10PM

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle.

They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass,
Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a
grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down,
Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet
down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting ... and now Sean and
his fook'n hengliding

(Boom, Boom)

auldgranny · 26-01-2015 11:21PM

Anyone else got a headache after all that?

Cheese Wagstaff · 27-01-2015 12:46AM

What did 0 say to 8?

"Nice belt."

Flood · 27-01-2015 03:40AM

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the Doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The Nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'"

The Doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

liam24 · 27-01-2015 03:42AM

What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock!

fryup · 27-01-2015 10:40AM

Cheese Wagstaff wrote: »

What did 0 say to 8?

"Nice belt."

sorry, don't get it

Michael D Not Higgins · 27-01-2015 10:51AM

fryup wrote: »

sorry, don't get it

8 looks like a 0 with a tight belt around the middle.

rolliepoley · 27-01-2015 11:36PM

Guy goes to a tattoo parlour and asks the artist to do an Indian on his back. So the artist starts work on it. After a while the guy says, "Oh yeah, don't forget the tomahawk". The artist says, "Give me a chance, I've not finished his turban yet"

fryup · 27-01-2015 11:39PM

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

8 looks like a 0 with a tight belt around the middle.

surely its the other way around?

eamonnq · 28-01-2015 12:02AM

fryup wrote: »

surely its the other way around?

Yeah, a zero looks like an 8 with no belt around the middle ??

Cheese Wagstaff · 28-01-2015 12:13AM

Why did tan divide sine?

Just cos...

auldgranny · 28-01-2015 12:19AM

Cheese Wagstaff wrote: »

Why did tan divide sine?

Just cos...

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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