The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Michael D Not Higgins · 10-01-2015 12:28PM

tfitzgerald wrote: »

What's the most annoying thing in the world?

Looking at jokes on your phone that have spoilers attached!

Don't know about you but on my phone (Android if it matters) you can reveal the spoiler by touching it.

rolliepoley · 10-01-2015 02:22PM

Cant believe it, a leaflet has just come through my door, it read, "If you're an alcoholic ring this number. So I did. It was the feckin off licence.

Capt'n Midnight · 10-01-2015 02:32PM

I used to live next door to a gang of midget French burglars.

They were petit criminals.

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my PC monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes.

It's my screen saviour.

So Steven Gerrard's birthday falls on the same day as the FA Cup final.
What a cracking send off it would be if someone could get him a ticket.

My friend asked me to walk down a hill with him.

I declined.

I have been tracing our family history and paid for DNA and other Scientific tests to determine our bloodline and heritage.

My Great Grand Grandfather, Jacob's test results have just come back showing he was PH1 and the litmus paper has gone bright red. which confirms what we have always expected, my ancestors where Acidic Jews.

jimgoose · 10-01-2015 05:43PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

...My Great Grand Grandfather, Jacob's test results have just come back showing he was PH1 and the litmus paper has gone bright red. which confirms what we have always expected, my ancestors where Acidic Jews.

Nnnnnnnnyyaaaaaggghhh!!!

:):)

eisenberg1 · 10-01-2015 07:26PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I used to live next door to a gang of midget French burglars.

They were petit criminals.

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my PC monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes.

It's my screen saviour.

So Steven Gerrard's birthday falls on the same day as the FA Cup final.
What a cracking send off it would be if someone could get him a ticket.

My friend asked me to walk down a hill with him.

I declined.

I have been tracing our family history and paid for DNA and other Scientific tests to determine our bloodline and heritage.

My Great Grand Grandfather, Jacob's test results have just come back showing he was PH1 and the litmus paper has gone bright red. which confirms what we have always expected, my ancestors where Acidic Jews.

jimgoose wrote: »

Nnnnnnnnyyaaaaaggghhh!!! :):)

Now hassidim, now you dont;)

blade1 · 10-01-2015 07:42PM

Husband and wife in bed,
Wife turns to husband and says
"I'm fat and I'm ugly,pay me compliment"

Husband turns and says
"Your eyesight's f*ckin' spot on!"

Sunhill · 10-01-2015 10:07PM

blade1 wrote: »

Husband and wife in bed,
Wife turns to husband and says
"I'm fat and I'm ugly,pay me compliment"

Husband turns and says
"Your eyesight's f*ckin' spot on!"

That works better if it starts off 'Wife is looking in the mirror, turns to her husband and says ....'

Capt'n Midnight · 13-01-2015 08:51PM

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant

Mr Tibbs · 13-01-2015 09:29PM

The wife bought me a reversible jacket today
I can't wait to see how it turns out.

13-01-2015 09:29PM

From now on ... I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad ...

I decided to go to the Dublin Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about.

I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and
said: "By the will of Allah the Almighty, and the Prophet Muhammad
you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralysed.

He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold, my fúcking car
had been stolen!

DazHeath · 13-01-2015 09:32PM

What is the nosiest thing in the world?

A skeleton having a **** in a biscuit tin.

branie2 · 13-01-2015 10:12PM

What's the most dangerous part of the car?

The nutter behind the wheel

CUCINA · 14-01-2015 02:12PM

A recent survey conducted about men's attitude to women's legs found the following:

10% preferred thin legs

15% preferred fat legs

But 75% preferred something in between!

Photo-Sniper · 14-01-2015 02:16PM

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning. The man getting served in front of me asked for a mocha.
"Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."
The guy was fuming. "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" he raged. "I'll just have to have a latte!" He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said, "I'll have a large latte too, please."
They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.

So I told them my name was Mocha.

rolliepoley · 14-01-2015 09:43PM

A sweet grandmother telephoned the Hospital. She timidly asked "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I"ll be glad to help, dear. What"s the name and ward number?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Katie Findlay, ward F5". The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news. Her nurse has told me that Katie is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood test just came back as normal, and her Doctor has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday". The grandmother said, "Thank you. That"s wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You"re more than welcome. Is Katie your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No - I"m Katie Findlay in Ward F5. No one tells me **** all here."

Miss Demeanour · 14-01-2015 09:51PM

A pharmacy owner comes back after lunch having left his young assistant in charge. He passes a man leaning against a wall and asks her whats wrong with him.
"Well he had a terrible cough" she replies," but I couldn't find the cough mixture so I gave him laxatives instead."
The pharmacy owner is appalled and says "you cant cure a cough with laxatives!!!!"
"Well I think you'll find I did" she says "just look at him he's been afraid of his shyte to cough since......"

TheBody · 14-01-2015 09:55PM

My Dad fell into an upholstery machine last week!
He's fully recovered now.

16-01-2015 10:13PM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Tzardine · 16-01-2015 10:15PM

How many dead hookers can you fit in a shed.

2 more if I move my bike.

17-01-2015 02:15AM

Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:
'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says: 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains: 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies:
'Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says:
'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

TheBody · 18-01-2015 04:18PM

I'm not mistaken, Tipp-Ex is pretty useless.

rolliepoley · 18-01-2015 04:30PM

I just nearly talked myself out of a speeding ticket by telling the policewoman she looked bloody stunning.
But then i ****ed it up by saying, "And thats not the drink talking either."

Titzon Toast · 18-01-2015 04:30PM

What's the most sensitive part of a man's body when he's having a ****?

His ears.

20-01-2015 07:38AM

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ....'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!

Kevin McCloud · 20-01-2015 05:55PM

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
Sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

Kevin McCloud · 20-01-2015 05:58PM

If Kate Middleton was up to her boobs in Champagne. Where would William be??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Up to his Balls IN CIDER.

Larbre34 · 20-01-2015 06:05PM

No no no.

That earlier spoiler is supposed to go...

'What smells worse than an anchovy?'

.......'an anchovy's gee!'

fryup · 20-01-2015 06:40PM

TheBody wrote: »

I'm not mistaken, Tipp-Ex is pretty useless.

don't get it

Frigating · 20-01-2015 06:52PM

fryup wrote: »

don't get it

If you're not mistaken, you haven't made any mistakes, so you don't need tippex.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-01-2015 01:42AM

When I was twelve, I jammed a tile from a Scrabble set into a Nerf gun and shot my brother in the forehead, killing him instantly.

It was an accident though, I thought it was a blank.

I took the Eminem CD I'd bought back to the shop, because there was nothing on it.

"Did you open it?" asked the assistant.

"Of course I did," I said.

"Well there's your problem," he said. "You've removed the wrapper,"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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