The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley · 23-02-2014 08:29PM

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

mitosis · 23-02-2014 08:31PM

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian ... They're not laughing now."

- Bob Monkhouse

rolliepoley · 23-02-2014 09:04PM

I got so excited the first time I was in a limousine I got a little bit giddy. Started mooning out the window.

Got in serious trouble too.

I was told I was upsetting the other mourners.

Irish Steve · 24-02-2014 12:30AM

If Apple made cars, would they have Windows?

Capt'n Midnight · 24-02-2014 01:40AM

In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates ?

Sir Arthur Daley · 24-02-2014 04:28AM

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

24-02-2014 08:36AM

WikiHow wrote: »

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

If the Apple shop gets left with a load of unsold stock, do they end up with cider?

Capt'n Midnight · 24-02-2014 09:18AM

There was an old woman from Rhyde,
who ate 49 apples and died,
the apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside 'er inside.

TheLastMohican · 24-02-2014 03:46PM

But, Officer...

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife and asked, "Is this your wife, sir?”

Shocked, I answered, "Yes it is."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.”

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the kids."

rolliepoley · 24-02-2014 10:49PM

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

tayto lover · 24-02-2014 11:32PM

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Very few priests with no sex life in this country.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-02-2014 11:36PM

Bitcoins LOL
http://www.businessinsider.com/can-the-government-seize-bitcoins-2014-2

Alex Daley, chief technology strategist of Casey Research, a financial research firm, says that the FBI already owns between 5% and 10% of all Bitcoins.

Hitchens · 25-02-2014 04:58PM

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Hermy · 25-02-2014 06:30PM

Hitchens wrote: »

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

I don't know - why is abbreviation such a long word?

rolliepoley · 25-02-2014 09:05PM

What's a mexican's favorite sport?

Cross country.

25-02-2014 11:29PM

Hermy wrote: »

I don't know - why is abbreviation such a long word?

Because you can't shorten it and still understand it (when spoken).
well that's the abriv'ed version.

25-02-2014 11:30PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Bitcoins LOL
http://www.businessinsider.com/can-the-government-seize-bitcoins-2014-2

Virtual money + virtual investors = virtual profit = virtual crash!

Santa Cruz · 25-02-2014 11:40PM

Isn't this suppose to be the best joke ye ever heard?

25-02-2014 11:58PM

Santa Cruz wrote: »

Isn't this suppose to be the best joke ye ever heard?

Virtually the best joke.

It's a bit like alternative comedy, you either get it or you get laid.

26-02-2014 01:15AM

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day,

Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

Sir Arthur Daley · 27-02-2014 05:39AM

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fcuking drain is clogged again."

donegal_man · 27-02-2014 05:49AM

Hitchens wrote: »

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

It was coined by the same guy who put an s in lisp

27-02-2014 08:18AM

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

Owing to the sensitive nature of the situation...they all agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from.

After the surgery.....everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than ever !

All his friends and relatives raved about his youthful appearance...especially his mother!

One day, while alone with his wife, and overcome with emotion at her sacrifice he said,

'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

''My darling,' she replied, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

rolliepoley · 27-02-2014 10:14PM

I took my 12-year-old son camping at the weekend.

As we sat around the fire he said, "Dad, I need a s**t."

"Go and have one then," I said. "That's the beauty of camping, you can s**t anywhere you want and you can't get into trouble."

He walked off and came back a few minutes later.

"Where did you have one?" I asked.

He said, "In your car."

27-02-2014 10:39PM

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh", said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks”, said Paddy

Hitchens · 27-02-2014 11:06PM

One night in a bar a man with a dog came in.

"Sorry," said the barman, "we don't allow dogs in here."

The man said, "but he's a special dog, he's actually a carpenter, watch this."

The man went outside for a minute and came back in with a bough which had fallen off a tree, this he threw on the floor in front of the dog.

The dog started chewing away at the timber and in 5 minutes he had produced a lovely looking chair.

"He is special alright," said the barman, "you're welcome to bring him in here any time."

A few evenings later another man came in with a dog, whereupon the barman told him dogs weren't allowed.

The man said, "but there's a man with a dog having a drink over there in the corner."

"But that's a special dog," replied the barman, "he's actually a carpenter," and he went on to explain that, "if you give him a piece of wood he'll make an item of furniture from it."

"Well this lad of mine is special too, said the 2nd man, he's a blacksmith".

"How do you make that out?" asked the barman.

"Because," replied the man, "if you give him a kick in the hole he'll make a bolt for the door".

Sir Arthur Daley · 28-02-2014 03:07AM

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! !" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

stefan idiot jones · 28-02-2014 03:20AM

Disabled Persons Toilet Cubicle wrote: »

Pickled penis.

Is this a delicacy where you're from?

A cow called Daisy · 28-02-2014 09:03AM

Can't find/to lazy to find original joke and sorry if this part of it

wonder if you pickling a penis would they be pickled in cider

Happyman42 · 28-02-2014 10:13AM

Hitchens wrote: »

One night in a bar a man with a dog came in.

"Sorry," said the barman, "we don't allow dogs in here."

The man said, "but he's a special dog, he's actually a carpenter, watch this."

The man went outside for a minute and came back in with a bough which had fallen off a tree, this he threw on the floor in front of the dog.

The dog started chewing away at the timber and in 5 minutes he had produced a lovely looking chair.

"He is special alright," said the barman, "you're welcome to bring him in here any time."

A few evenings later another man came in with a dog, whereupon the barman told him dogs weren't allowed.

The man said, "but there's a man with a dog having a drink over there in the corner."

"But that's a special dog," replied the barman, "he's actually a carpenter," and he went on to explain that, "if you give him a piece of wood he'll make an item of furniture from it."

"Well this lad of mine is special too, said the 2nd man, he's a blacksmith".

"How do you make that out?" asked the barman.

"Because," replied the man, "if you give him a kick in the hole he'll make a bolt for the door".

...or if you kick him in the hole he'll make a spring for your balls!

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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