The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley · 08-02-2014 04:23PM

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.

He phones the police and says "I've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"

Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef"

3rdDegree · 08-02-2014 04:58PM

rolliepoley wrote: »

What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

Ah come on! They are not THAT old.

Besides, with the prevalence of obesity since the last concerts, I'm sure a few had lost a leg or two to diabetes by now anyway.

rolliepoley · 08-02-2014 05:41PM

What's the height of conceit?

Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Sir Arthur Daley · 08-02-2014 05:51PM

Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus are captured by terrorists. They are brought up in front of a firing line. The head terrorist asks Garth Brooks for any last requests. To which Garth replies "Well, I sure would like to sing "Friends in low Places" jus' one more time!" The head terrorist says "fair enough". The head terrorist then asks Billy Ray Cyrus the same question. And Billy answers "shoot me first!"

eisenberg1 · 08-02-2014 05:59PM

Man rings boss at 9am Monday.

Man: Boss, I cant make it to work today.
Boss: Why?
Man: I am sick
Boss: FFS!!, you are only working here 15 weeks, and this is the tenth time to miss Monday, and you know it is our busiest day of the week, I mean seriously, how sick are?

Man: Well....I am in bed shagging my sister

Gloomtastic! · 08-02-2014 11:39PM

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Man rings boss at 9am Monday.

Man: Boss, I cant make it to work today.
Boss: Why?
Man: I am sick
Boss: FFS!!, you are only working here 15 weeks, and this is the tenth time to miss Monday, and you know it is our busiest day of the week, I mean seriously, how sick are?

Man: Well....I am in bed shagging my sister

Reminds me of one from the 80's.....

What's the definition of Relative Humidity?

Sweat on your bollox while you're shagging your sister.

09-02-2014 02:52AM

Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.

Yes, he was brilliant!!

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Gloomtastic! · 09-02-2014 09:57AM

And a Spike Milligan classic......

I lost my dog so I put an ad in the local paper. It read, 'Here Boy!'

rolliepoley · 09-02-2014 03:53PM

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "f**k". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "f**k" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John f**ked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was f**ked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a f**k), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a f**k), an adverb (Mary is f**king interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific f**k).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is f**king beautiful) or an interjection (f**k! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, f**k she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "f**k". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...

Greetings "How the f**k are ya?"
Fraud "I got f**ked by the Bank Manager."
Resignation "Oh, f**k it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm f**ked now."
Aggression "f**k YOU!"
Disgust "f**k me."
Confusion "What the f**k.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this f**king business!"
Despair "f**ked again..."
Pleasure "I f**king couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the f**k is going on here?"
Lost "Where the f**k are we."
Disbelief "UNF**KING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation "Up your f**king ass!"
Denial "I didn't f**king do it."
Perplexity "I know f**k all about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a f**k, anyhow?"
Greetings "How the f**k are ya?"
Suspicion "Who the f**k are you?"
Panic "Let's get the f**k out of here."
Directions "f**k off."
Disbelief "How the f**k did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a f**king asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five f**king thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this f**king job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother f**ker."
It can be political- "f**k Enda Kenny!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...

"What the f**k was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the f**k is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real f**king gun."
- John Lennon

"Who's gonna f**king find out?"
- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to f**king roll."
- Anne Boleyn

"Any f**king idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein

"It does so f**king look like her!"
- Picasso

"You want what on the f**king ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"f**k a duck."
- Walt Disney

"Scattered f**king showers my ass."
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy

09-02-2014 04:16PM

"F**k the EU!"
- Victoria Nuland

German pointer · 09-02-2014 07:01PM

Don't forget Custer

Where the f**k did all these Indians come from.

3rdDegree · 09-02-2014 08:47PM

It can even express admiration, jealousy, gratitude and pleasure all in one sentence: "Great f**king post!"

RedFormanFITA · 09-02-2014 10:00PM

What's brown and sticky?

Apparently, a brown stick

rolliepoley · 09-02-2014 10:08PM

RedFormanFITA wrote: »

What's brown and sticky?

Apparently, a brown stick

A Barry White.

twistyj · 09-02-2014 10:22PM

My wife left me and took my Bob Marley collection and my satellite dish.

No woman no sky......

RedFormanFITA · 09-02-2014 10:30PM

A Tommy Cooper classic...

A man walks into a bar, ouch, it was an iron bar.

A man walks into a bar, ouch, it was the Dail Bar. The price of drink in there these days is somethin awful. And no, I am not Jackie Healy Ray.

Aquagakka · 09-02-2014 11:05PM

Whats the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One's a marsupial and the other is a Geordie trapped in a lift.

locum-motion · 09-02-2014 11:56PM

Well I dunno whether Tommy Cooper told those ones originally or not, but I've definitely heard the vast majority of them coming out of Tim Vine's mouth at one stage or another.

Deleted User wrote: »

Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.

Yes, he was brilliant!!

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.
...

...
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

civis_liberalis · 10-02-2014 12:33AM

Deleted User wrote: »

Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.

Love Tommy Cooper. The jokes stand up on their own, but it was as much the way he told them that made them.

He died on stage. I unwittingly watch the video of that show not realising what it was until after...

Genius of a man. Could make you laugh at the stupidest things. Was roaring laughing at one of his shows at home in the gaff with the brother on a lazy Saturday in front of the telly, watching Dave.

Tommy Cooper:
Went to see the doctor last week. I had to you see... he was feeling poorly. Haha [wink]

Hitchens · 10-02-2014 12:45PM

What's the difference between a plaque and a plique?

A plaque hangs on a wall, and a plique hangs on a chinaman

Anyone · 10-02-2014 05:31PM

Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn't pay €200 to have a lentil on my face.

10-02-2014 11:33PM

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race....................

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing €10 in 50c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those **** at Boral deliver the FÚCKING bricks on time.'

Sir Arthur Daley · 11-02-2014 02:48AM

A student of Proctology is in the morgue one day after classes wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again." The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. "On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again." "So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music ."

Witchie · 11-02-2014 02:57AM

Stole that and replaced it with "rock me mamma like a wagon wheel" to wind my friends who listen to that crap up on facebook. Thanks WikiHow!

RedFormanFITA · 12-02-2014 11:20AM

What's a bigamist?

It's what Italians call fog.

RedFormanFITA · 13-02-2014 05:12PM

What did the Real Madrid player say to his constipated hens?

Ole, ole, ole, ole.......

13-02-2014 07:36PM

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ' You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop. '

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, ' I ' ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex. '

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed,but her husband felt he really

didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, ' How could sandals make you a sex freak? '

The Jamaican replied, ' Just try dem on, Mon. '

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: ' You got dem on de wrong feet! '

Capt'n Midnight · 13-02-2014 07:46PM

I took my girlfriend on holidays to the Caribbean last year.

Jamaica ?

No, she wanted to go.

Sir Arthur Daley · 13-02-2014 10:20PM

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance."

rolliepoley · 14-02-2014 08:25PM

For Valentines my girlfriend said to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. So I came back drunk.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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