The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

gramar

A young black African decides to leave his country behind and seek his fortune
in America. Before he goes he pays every penny he has to buy a false passport
to get him into the US. Unfortunately the only one he can get has Leonardo di Caprio´s
name and photo. He manages to stow away and get to the US and as he waits in the queue
at border control his heart is pounding as he in only minutes from a new life.
His turn comes and he hands his passport to the border guard. He looks at the guy and then
back at the passport and repeats this a couple of times. 'Hold on a sec' he says. ..'I have to call my superior'
He makes the call and says 'Sorry to bother you Sir but can you tell me if the Titanic sunk or did it burn?'

RedFormanFITA

A number of years ago, a male jockey had a sex change. A certain tabloid red top newspaper led with the following headline when the news broke....

And they're off

WilyCoyote

Hitchens wrote: »

In the USA recently, a lunatic escaped from the asylum by hiding in a laundry van. When they reached the laundry he sexually assaulted one of the workers there. The newspaper headline the following day read:

NUT BOLTS SCREWS WASHER

Or alternatively .........breaks out of prison and kips down in a closed laundrette. Next morning, on opening, he shags both washerwomen and hightails it pdq:

Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

Busted Flat.

Man walking past his neighbors house, his neighbor comes out crying, she says look at my dog they are stuck together please help. Man walks over to the two dogs and sticks his finger up the dogs "ole and they separate. She says oh thank you but what did you do, man says that's Murphys dog from up the road, he can give it but he can't take it.

Hitchens

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...


walk into a very fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

locum-motion

Hitchens wrote: »

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...


walk into a very fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

What a very educational joke; geography and pronunciation in one!

gemini_girl

super_furry wrote: »

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldnt she get back up?

Because she had no legs ...

Why did no one help her???

Cos she had no friends!

Hitchens

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting close by ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Den I come one last time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, cool down yo," said the man.

"Who talkin' about sex? I'm a just tellin' my friend how to spell 'Mississippi'."

Sunnyisland

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ****ing wall"

Angeles

There were three men who got stranded on an island. A group of cannibals found the three men and took them to their place in the tropical rainforest of an island.

The cannibals told the three men to go in the rainforest and find ten of the same fruits each. So the three of them went into the woods to get fruits. An hour later they all came back.

The first man brought ten apples.

The Cannibals told the man to push all the apples up his ass with out crying, if he did not cry, the cannibals would let him go. The man pushed five up his ass then cried. The cannibals ate him.

The second man brought ten berries. The Cannibals told him to push all the berries up his ass without laughing, and if he didn't laugh, they would let him go. The man pushed nine up his ass then laughed. The cannibals ate him.

Up in heaven the first man asked the second man, "Why did you laugh, you were so close!"

The second man says, '' I couldn't help it, the next guy came with ten pineapples. ''

Hagar the Nice.

To all you folk who've given me a good laugh,many thanks,I'm leaving the forum so take care,cheers.

FanadMan

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

To all you folk who've given me a good laugh,many thanks,I'm leaving the forum so take care,cheers.

Awww no Where am I gonna get my laughs now?

Is there nothing anyone can do to persuade you to stay? Coke? Hookers? Threats of violence?


Edit: Damn! Account closed before reply went through

RedFormanFITA

A blonde and a brunette are standing on the ledge of a roof of a really tall building in New York. Both of them jump off at the same time, which one do you think will hit the pavement below first?

The brunette, because the blonde will have to stop halfways down and ask for directions.

Sir Arthur Daley

What has a Gareth Brooks concert and childbirth got in common?

They are both painful!

teacherhead

WikiHow wrote: »

What has a Gareth Brooks concert and childbirth got in common?

They are both painful!

i thought it was that a cnut was centre stage

Hitchens

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.

His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

Curly Judge

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great...that's just great.........some asshole's got my pen!

Hitchens

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my arse.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?'

The doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

Curly Judge

A daughter asked her dad, "Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me that
I don't understand, can you help? He said that I have a beautiful chassis, two lovely
air bags and a fantastic bumper!"

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick
to check the oil, I will give him such a service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off!"

rolliepoley

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks: "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks: "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks: "Do you smoke?"
The lady replies: "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day. I'm shooting pool."
Very impressed the biker asks: "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The old lady thinks for a minute and says: Nope, ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Busted Flat.

rolliepoley wrote: »

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks: "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks: "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks: "Do you smoke?"
The lady replies: "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day. I'm shooting pool."
Very impressed the biker asks: "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The old lady thinks for a minute and says: Nope, ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Great one Rollie.

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Maura74

A retired woman always wanted to go on a cruise, she finally made a booking to go on one.

She decided to buy a very expensive hat for the cruise and was very pleased with it.
The cruise was going well and on the second day she decided to put on her new expensive hat and go on to the deck to show it off . It was very stormy windy day and to stop her new hat blowing off she put both on her head to stop it blowing away!

Her skirt was blowing up above her waist but she was not concerned about that.
One of the ship crew saw her shirt blowing up above her waist and said to her ‘Madam where’s your modesty’?

She said to him: ‘ Sir, what’s below this hat is over 60 years old and I am not worry about it, my hat on the other hand is new and I am not going to let it blow away'.....

chughes

Maura74 wrote: »

A retired woman always wanted to go on a cruise, she finally made a booking to go on one.

She decided to buy a very expensive hat for the cruise and was very pleased with it.
The cruise was going well and on the second day she decided to put on her new expensive hat and go on to the deck to show it off . It was very stormy windy day and to stop her new hat blowing off she put both on her head to stop it blowing away!

Her skirt was blowing up above her waist but she was not concerned about that.
One of the ship crew saw her shirt blowing up above her waist and said to her ‘Madam where’s your modesty’?

She said to him: ‘ Sir, what’s below this hat is over 60 years old and I am not worry about it, my hat on the other hand is new and I am not going to let it blow away'.....

Apparently, the next crewman she met also made a comment about the strength of the winds. "Airy, isn't it" he observed, to which she replied "wotcha expect, feathers??"....

Ted_YNWA

Deleted User wrote: »

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

.....

You misssed one

“He’s pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!”

George Hamilton

Hitchens

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

You misssed one

“He’s pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!”

George Hamilton

....and at the 1976 Olympics commentator Ron Pickering said "and there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."[

kingshankly

Paddys over in Jimmy's house having a few beers watching the football
After a few hours jimmy say to paddy it's lashing outside no point in you walking up the road you'll get drenched I'll go up and make the spare bed
"Great says paddy"
When jimmy comes down the stairs Paddys standing there soaked to the skin
"What the fcuk happened you"
"I ran home to get me pyjamas "

MetalDog

According to astrophysicists, old stars collapse when they exhaust their supply of fuel.

I disagree. Old stars collapse when they see the folks from Operation Yewtree coming up their driveway.

rolliepoley

What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

























The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

Capt'n Midnight

I grew up in the rough part of town.

Right across from the sandpaper factory.