The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Wotsername · 16-01-2014 10:00PM

Garda approaches a woman driver who had been stopped for speeding, taking out his book as he approaches the car. The woman rolls down the window and says
"I bet you're going to try and sell me a ticket to the policeman's ball?"
Garda replies "Gardai don't have balls".

Now I'll get my coat!

tayto lover · 16-01-2014 10:07PM

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Gardai get here!''

Santa Cruz · 16-01-2014 10:37PM

This is for the best joke ye ever heard or am I mistaken seeing some of the ****e here

rolliepoley · 16-01-2014 10:49PM

A man and a boy entered a barber's shop. After the man had received a shave and a haircut, he sat the
boy in the chair and said, "I'm just going to run next
door to pick up a few things from the supermarket. I'll
be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's hair was cut and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said, "It looks like your dad's
forgotten you."

"That wasn't my dad," said the boy. "He just walked up to me and said, "Come on, we're going to
get a free haircut."

RedFormanFITA · 16-01-2014 11:17PM

What do you call a Spanish man who's just left hospital?

Manuel.

tayto lover · 17-01-2014 12:24AM

RedFormanFITA wrote: »

What do you call a Spanish man who's just left hospital?

Manuel.

What do you call a Spaniard with no balls?

Senorita.

Burt Macklin · 17-01-2014 12:33AM

A man walks into a control room. There is a big red button labeled "Nuclear Launch Button." He walks up and presses it.

A display screen next to the button reads "Input password." There is a number panel below the screen. He searches around the room, and finds a locked desk. He jimmies it open, and rummages around through it. Inside there is sheet of paper which says "Nuclear launch password: 7831662"

He returns to the number panel, and punches in 7831662. The display screen says "Code confirmed. Press again to launch." He presses the button again. "Launching nuclear arsenal."

He stares at the screen in shock. "Aw sh1t.... I f*cked up."

Busted Flat. · 17-01-2014 12:41AM

Transparency and Accountability? do you get it.

Hagar the Nice. · 17-01-2014 12:58AM

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Transparency and Accountability? do you get it.

Not at RFC they don't.:D

gramar · 17-01-2014 08:59AM

Burt Macklin wrote: »

A man walks into a control room. There is a big red button labeled "Nuclear Launch Button." He walks up and presses it.

A display screen next to the button reads "Input password." There is a number panel below the screen. He searches around the room, and finds a locked desk. He jimmies it open, and rummages around through it. Inside there is sheet of paper which says "Nuclear launch password: 7831662"

He returns to the number panel, and punches in 7831662. The display screen says "Code confirmed. Press again to launch." He presses the button again. "Launching nuclear arsenal."

He stares at the screen in shock. "Aw sh1t.... I f*cked up."

Is that an example of German humour?

Burt Macklin · 17-01-2014 03:42PM

gramar wrote: »

Is that an example of German humour?

Ha, no its an anti joke, was reminded of it when I saw the one about the orange head man on the first few pages.
Here's another favourite anti-joke of mine:

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

Deadlie · 17-01-2014 03:53PM

I had a dog called Minton. He ate all my shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton!

RedFormanFITA · 17-01-2014 03:55PM

Benjamin Button

Benjamin who?

Benjamin

Who's there?

Knock, knock

3rdDegree · 18-01-2014 05:56AM

Deadlie wrote: »

I had a dog called Minton. He ate all my shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton!

We had a dog with no legs. His name was Major. We took him for a drag every day.

TheChevron · 18-01-2014 05:25PM

I hear the actors from 12 Years A Slave are all set to clean up at the Oscars. That's a terrible thing to still be going on in this day and age.

rolliepoley · 18-01-2014 05:57PM

Every day Mary went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Paddy.

When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.

One day her friend Sally asked, "Mary why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"

Mary answered, "When Paddy was alive he always told me 'You've got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!' I'm not taking any chances !"

rolliepoley · 18-01-2014 06:46PM

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by
the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to
the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are
you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says,
“Yes,Preacher. I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right
back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him
up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds
this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My
God, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…”Are you sure
this is where he fell in?”

Hagar the Nice. · 18-01-2014 07:58PM

Wotsername wrote: »

Eh... Don't get it.

Nope, still nothin. (before you ask, NO)

Blonde.:D

tayto lover · 18-01-2014 08:16PM

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably down in the pub with his friends."

Hagar the Nice. · 18-01-2014 10:45PM

What do you call a woman author playing snooker whilst balancing two pints on her head?

Beertricks Potter.

juniord · 18-01-2014 11:39PM

a bloke sitting in his kitchen having breakfast,his first son comes in and says happy birthday da i didnt get you anything cos i have to tax my car, the da says no problem son i understand , the second son comes in and says happy birthday da i couldnt get you anything cos i had to buy books for college , the da says no bother son i dont mind , the third son comes in and says happy birthday da i cant get you anything cos im saving to get married , the da says ah no bother son i often thought of getting married myself , the three sons say together, what do you mean and the da says im not married ,the eldest son says that makes us bastards , and the da says thats right and yous are three miserable bastards aswell

Hagar the Nice. · 19-01-2014 01:22AM

How did Moses make his tea?

He brewed it.

Wotsername · 19-01-2014 04:49AM

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Blonde.:D

Oh let it go for goodness sake. Let's just say it backfired:D

Here's one.
A Muslim woman being interviewed by an American, feminist t.v presenter is asked in a very condescending tone, So why do you women walk 10 steps behind men.
Woman replies: Landmines

rolliepoley · 19-01-2014 04:01PM

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

bnt · 19-01-2014 04:26PM

I don't know if this is the best, but it's up there. It has its own Wikipedia page, and a variation of this was used in The Big Bang Theory a while ago:

Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia. A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer "I have the solution, but it only works in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum."

Hitchens · 19-01-2014 08:19PM

When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters

PNEIS

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those of us who answered SPINE are doctors today..................................

.............................while the rest are moderators on Boards.ie :pac:

Hagar the Nice. · 19-01-2014 09:33PM

Hitchens wrote: »

When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters

PNEIS

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those of us who answered SPINE are doctors today..................................

.............................while the rest are moderators on Boards.ie :pac:

Belter

RedFormanFITA · 19-01-2014 09:52PM

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

19-01-2014 11:10PM

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.
One evening, several months after the honeymoon, he was putting his hockey gear into his bag for an upcoming tournament. His wife was standing there in the doorway watching him.

After several minutes of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit playing hockey, playing pool, golfing, riding motorcycles and fishing. Maybe you should sell your sports equipment, the motorbike and the boat.”

Tim gets this twisted, horrified look on his face and bends over as if in excruciating pain.
She says, "Darling, what's the matter?"
“Whoa, for a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!", she screams, "You bastard, you never told me you were married before!"

“I wasn't.” He replied.

M5 · 20-01-2014 02:50AM

I've just invented a new word:

"Plagiarism"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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