The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL · 19-10-2013 12:23AM

I'm sick and tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit .

I think It's time to make a stand. Maybe I'll save it for a rainy day .

19-10-2013 12:49AM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I'm sick and tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit .

I think It's time to make a stand. Maybe I'll save it for a rainy day .

Get your (rain) coat! ..... :pac:

Uberbeamerman · 19-10-2013 12:53AM

Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

notnumber · 19-10-2013 12:57AM

I meet Vincent van Gogh in the local last eve..I say do you want a pint Vincent?
He says Ah no i have one ear.

19-10-2013 05:16PM

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shít out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

JordanG990 · 19-10-2013 06:26PM

I walked into B and Q yesterday and asked them what they're best electric drill was, I was pointed to an aisle where I was told to find a Black and Decker.

I'm now being done for racist assault.

EoghanIRL · 19-10-2013 11:02PM

notnumber wrote: »

Van Gogh was in my local pub last night.I said Vinny do you wanna pint?
He says "Ah no Im grand I have one ear".

So good you had to post it twice .

notnumber · 20-10-2013 12:30PM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

So good you had to post it twice .

I shudva gone to specsavers no doubt :rolleyes:-second post deleted .

20-10-2013 01:01PM

notnumber wrote: »

I shudva gone to specsavers no doubt :rolleyes:-second post deleted .

It's best not to cut - n - paste jokes into the "quick reply", I often find that it gets posted twice! :mad:

Just paste it into the reply box instead.

rolliepoley · 20-10-2013 04:45PM

Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

rolliepoley · 20-10-2013 05:25PM

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections

Good: You wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: You're daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients. Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

windy shepard henderson · 20-10-2013 06:40PM

how did the hipster burn his hand?

he tried to change the light bulb before it was cool..

EoghanIRL · 20-10-2013 11:36PM

What's Mary short for?

She's got no legs.

EoghanIRL · 20-10-2013 11:39PM

Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.

EoghanIRL · 20-10-2013 11:42PM

Invisible man goes to the doctor.

Doctor says "I can't see you right now."

:cool:

Capt'n Midnight · 21-10-2013 02:24AM

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon,

and follow them up with "Ah I guess you had to be there."

21-10-2013 07:58AM

A Day at the Races.

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed €100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then €5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crutch. He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked 'It came home at 30/1 ?'

'Shít', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

Stevokenevo · 21-10-2013 04:40PM

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

Stevokenevo · 21-10-2013 04:41PM

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

Howard Juneau · 21-10-2013 04:41PM

Stevokenevo wrote: »

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

What was wrong with the first one?.... False start?

Ted_YNWA · 21-10-2013 06:38PM

Stevokenevo wrote: »

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

Howard Juneau wrote: »

What was wrong with the first one?.... False start?

The comedians are quick off the mark when a double post happens

Howard Juneau · 21-10-2013 06:57PM

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

The comedians are quick off the mark when a double post happens

It was a slow day at work

21-10-2013 07:02PM

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shít yourself when I tell you the price!"

EoghanIRL · 21-10-2013 09:30PM

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.
"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk shows the other day. Boy, was it a hoot! But I can't seem to remember for the life of me what it was called."
'Here, describe it to me. Lets see if I can help," offers Tom.
"Well, he was a big ol' middle aged man," Norman starts, "and he had a whole lotta' cars. Ah! I got it now! His name was.. well, shoot. What was his name? It was a bird of some sort."
"A bird? Like a robin?"
"No no, a blue bird. What are those small blue birds, Tom?"
"A bluejay?" suggests Tom.
"Yeah! Jay was his name. Jay Leno. Y'all should try him out sometime."
"Well, you know what Norm. We went and saw ourselves a movie the other night, but darned if I've already forgot the name."
"Come now, Tom, why don't you run it past me? Maybe I'll do some good."
"Yeah, sure," says Tom. "Well... ****, let me see... Okay. What's the name of that flower, a common flower."
"A dandelion?" suggests Norman.
"No no. No it's a red one."
"You mean a tulip?"
"Naw come now, Norm. It's red and gots thorns all over it."
"That'd be a rose, then."
"A rose! Yeah, that's what it was, a rose!" exclaims Tom.
He turns over his shoulder and cries "HEY ROSE, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE WE SAW THE OTHER NIGHT??"

EoghanIRL · 21-10-2013 09:32PM

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

h3000 · 21-10-2013 09:42PM

A British couple adopted an orphaned German baby. For five years the baby was silent, wouldn't cry, never said a word to any one. The parents concerned that the child might have a disability took him to specialist after specialist, and all concluded that the child was normal.

On the child's sixth birthday the parents gave young Wolfgang an apple strudel. Wolfgang took one bite and said, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid."

The parents look on in amazement, the mother asking, "Wolfgang, you've never spoken before. Why now after all these years?"

Wolfgang looked her in the eye and says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory."

SteelyDanJalapeno · 22-10-2013 11:41AM

h3000 wrote: »

A British couple adopted an orphaned German baby. For five years the baby was silent, wouldn't cry, never said a word to any one. The parents concerned that the child might have a disability took him to specialist after specialist, and all concluded that the child was normal.

On the child's sixth birthday the parents gave young Wolfgang an apple strudel. Wolfgang took one bite and said, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid."

The parents look on in amazement, the mother asking, "Wolfgang, you've never spoken before. Why now after all these years?"

Wolfgang looked her in the eye and says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory."

I don't get it.....

GerB40 · 22-10-2013 11:47AM

TiltedBrain wrote: »

I don't get it.....

It's taking the píss out the German stereotype of being "efficient". The child never spoke because he never had good reason to, hence the joke...

gramar · 22-10-2013 12:02PM

h3000 wrote: »

A British couple adopted an orphaned German baby. For five years the baby was silent, wouldn't cry, never said a word to any one. The parents concerned that the child might have a disability took him to specialist after specialist, and all concluded that the child was normal.

On the child's sixth birthday the parents gave young Wolfgang an apple strudel. Wolfgang took one bite and said, "This apple strudel is a bit tepid."

The parents look on in amazement, the mother asking, "Wolfgang, you've never spoken before. Why now after all these years?"

Wolfgang looked her in the eye and says, "Up until now everything had been satisfactory."

TiltedBrain wrote: »

I don't get it.....

Are you saying the joke wasn't satisfactory?

chughes · 22-10-2013 04:10PM

gramar wrote: »

Are you saying the joke wasn't satisfactory?

Does anyone else get a sense of schadenfreude when a German joke doesn't work?

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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