The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

gramar

chughes wrote: »

Does anyone else get a sense of schadenfreude when a German joke doesn't work?

The jokes are the only German thing that don't work. When you have aspirations to take over the world I suppose you don't have time to be joking around.

saltyjack silverblade

chughes wrote: »

Does anyone else get a sense of schadenfreude when a German joke doesn't work?

the english word for schadenfreude is epicaricacy. :rolleyes:

eisenberg1

saltyjack silverblade wrote: »

the english word for schadenfreude is epicaricacy. :rolleyes:

That explains that then:D

chughes

gramar wrote: »

The jokes are the only German thing that don't work. When you have aspirations to take over the world I suppose you don't have time to be joking around.

In fairness they've had some cracking one liners like vorsprung durch technik and arbeit macht frei.

Sure they're gas lads altogether

gramar

chughes wrote: »

In fairness they've had some cracking one liners like vorsprung durch technik and arbeit macht frei.

Sure they're gas lads altogether

vorsprung durch technik? I thinkj you mean this:

Two dwarfs out on the pull, manage to score and take two woman home. Dwarf one has a case of limp-dick so he can’t get it up and to make matters worse, all night he can hear dwarf two saying “right, here I come again… 1…2…3 uuhhhh”. Next morning, dwarf one says to dwarf two, “how humiliating! I couldn’t even get an erection”. Dwarf two says, “You think that’s bad… I couldn’t even get on the ****ing bed”!
So the next night – the dwarf goes back to the woman from the night before except this time he’s carrying a little suitcase. As the woman lies back on the bed, preparing herself for a bit of a quiet night, the dwarf opens his suitcase and takes out four little peices of coiled spring.
He attaches one each to his feet and one each to his hands. Standing up, slightly unsteadily, he bounces first up onto the bed and then onto the awaiting woman. Up and down, up and down he goes until finally the pair climax in a shower of bodily fluids.
As they smoke a post-coital cigarette, the woman turns to the dwarf and says “Wow, little fella, that was the most amazing sex I’ve ever experienced! But a somewhat unusual technique. What do you call it?”
“Well, its a german method” replies the dwarf, ” It’s four-sprung-dwarf-technique

eisenberg1

At the Munich Olympics, a guy sees a chap walking near a stadium with a very long stick under his arm, he ask "are you a pole vaulter?"
The fella answers, No I am German, but how did you know my name vas Valter?

Dave H

nootroc wrote: »

A girl was telling her friend about her date the previous night.

'It was very frustrating' she said 'he gave up just as I was about to give in'

Sorry for hitting the archives for this one but all I could think was:
"He said f**k this as just I was about to say f**k this."

rolliepoley

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.

Aphex

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

efb

Conjunctivitis.com...... A sight for sore eyes.

rolliepoley

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

EoghanIRL

I saw this advert in a window that said :

"Television for sale , 1 € , volume stuck on full " I thought

" I can't turn that down "

EoghanIRL

How does a racist laugh?

He sniggers.

EoghanIRL

A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging a dead from on a string he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."
She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.
He replies,
"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the mother****er who ran over my frog."

Mr Tibbs

Whoever thinks technology is going to replace paper has never tried to wipe their arse with an iPad.

Hootanany

I have just been hit over the head with a electrical power tool,i was minding my own business walking down the road when all of a sudden BOSCH.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained..that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop….”You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around", he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" He commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked Up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence...
I said: "Excuse Me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: "A pumpkin? shít ... Is it midnight already?''


The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'

Hootanany

"Mr Hall denies the charges, and will help the Police in any way he can" said his lawyer, who was dressed as Henry the VIII, and carrying a bucket of water across a bouncy castle.



Nicked from another site

Banjo String

An Eskimo was on holidays in Wales.

He had a hire car, rented to view the welsh valleys in all their glory.

Anyway, he was driving around one day, taking his time, enjoying the scenery, digging some Inuit tunes on the CD player when suddenly the car came to a sudden stop. He couldn't get the car going again no matter how hard he tried.

Ended up getting a mechanic on call out to come to his rescue.

After twenty mins or so tinkering under the car bonnet the Welsh mechanic popped his head up from under the bonnet and said, ”you've blown a seal"

The Eskimo shouted back

so? You lot shag sheep!

Curly Judge

Subject: sad loss





I feel sure you will join with me and my wife in our sad loss.

We've just had to bury our 11 year old cat.


Unfortunately he inadvertently died in the washing machine.


*

*


*


STILL


*


*


*





At least he died in COMFORT!!!!!!!

EoghanIRL

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.
“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”

EoghanIRL

Heisenberg gets stopped on the motorway by the police.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going sir?

Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

Curly Judge

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart,
lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.. Now let me see the
bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Leave your knickers on ........ Just stick out your tongue!"

Hilly Bill

Paddy goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I have a sore arse" The doctor bends Paddy over and finds a wad of money up there. "How much was up there?" asks Paddy. The doctor replies "€1900" "Sounds about right" replies Paddy "I knew I didn't feel two grand"

Sunnyisland

What has the titanic & the sixth sence got in common ?







Icy dead people...

The Portuguese Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Rodrigo was relaxing at his favorite bar in Lisbon when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."

Surprised, Rodrigo reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Rodrigo smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but refusing to leave this woman unsatisfied, Rodrigo reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Rodrigo fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear.....







"No, Norwegian.

EoghanIRL

If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn’t take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.

EoghanIRL

Why couldn't the computer play golf?

It had the wrong driver.

EoghanIRL

Losing my virginity was a lot like riding a bike for the first time.

My dad was holding me from behind.

:P

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.