The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL

They say male lions will often turn to cannibalism when they're desperate for food.

They just have to swallow their pride.

GerB40

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

















A carrot.

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the
singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad.. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about
it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his
voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or
farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than
$10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Any night you want."

EoghanIRL

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Fûck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse **** all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse **** from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a ****ïng good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

EoghanIRL

Paraprosdokian

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is
plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put'DOCTOR'.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

padma

EoghanIRL wrote: »

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Fûck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse **** all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse **** from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a ****ïng good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Believe it or not, that joke goes back to the fifties when the government was trying to hook everyone up the electricity supply

MonkieSocks

Two Lepers were playing cards.

When One of them drops his hand, he bents down to pick it up and the other feller dipped his Fry Bread in his neck

Paulie Gualtieri

Pat and Mick were walking home from the pub loaded drunk .

pat: ya know Mick your my best pal , I'd do anything for ya .

mick: would ya really pat ?

pat: of course I would , I'm not bullsh1itin , I mean if I had 2 gold watches I'd give you one .

mick: would ya pat ?

pat: I would ! , and if I had two cars I'd give one .

mick: would ya really pat ?

pat: of course I would ! , ....and if I had two flat screen TVs I'd give you one , no problem!

mick: would ya really pat ?

pat: you know I would!

mick: and what if you had 2 bikes?

pat: fcuk off! you know I have 2 bikes!

kilkenny12

What did one saggy tit say to the other?

We better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts.

Sunnyisland

:P:) A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents .

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms . He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour . He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex ..

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack .
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all .

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door .
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated .
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head . A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down .


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy .
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious . '


The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist . :cool::)

Sunnyisland

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site ,

Paddy says I am gonna have the day of I am going to pretend that I a mad,

He climbs up the rafters and hangs upside down and screams I am light bulb I am a light bulb,

Murphy watches in amazement as the foremount shouts paddy your mad of you go home,

So he leaves the site,

Murphy starts to pick up his kit as well, where the hell do you think your going says the foreman ?

I can't friggen work in the dark now can I :)

EoghanIRL

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

EoghanIRL

Today, I was beaten up by this woman
I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press one." So I did.

EoghanIRL

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Paddy go to Saudi Arabia. They decide to start drinking and somehow get caught. the go to see the Sultan for their punishment. The Sultan says "You're lucky today. I'm feeling nice today and I will only give you 50 lashes and you can choose to put anything on your back." The Englishman chooses a pillow and the pillow takes 6 lashes and he gets the rest on the back. The Scotsman goes next. he chooses a barrel top. The barrel top takes 25 and he takes the rest to the back. The Paddy goes last and being an honest man, says "You know, Sultan, the drinking was my idea." the sultan is surprised by his honesty but says "I appreciate your honesty but since you started it, you shall get 250 lashes" the Irishman had the Englishman strapped to his back.

Mr Tibbs

I'm sick and tired of people ringing my doorbell day and night. The other day a lady called from the sperm bank looking for a donation. I gave her some mouthfull.

callaway92

It's been two years since Jimmy Saville died, RIP Big Man, you touched a lot of people

Sunnyisland

:D Paddy is going real well on who wants to be a millionaire,

He has got to 125,000. With all his lifelines,

Chris,ok paddy for 250,000, which one of the following was one of the great train robbers, was it

Ronnie wood
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie o Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett,

Take your time paddy,

Paddy, I will take the money Chris,

Chris, are you sure paddy,you have still got three lifelines ?

Paddy,I am sure Chris I will take the money.

Chris,ok audience give Chris a big round of applause..before you go Chris would you like to know the answer?

Paddy, I know the answer Chris...

Chris,you know the answer, you have just turned down a quarter of a million quid !! Are you nuts? Are you mental ?



Paddy, I may be mental Chris but I am no fecking grass, :)

EoghanIRL

Happy Halloween ,

Why did the ghost go to the bar ?

To get boos

Ted_YNWA

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Happy Halloween ,

Why did the ghost go to the bar ?

To get boos

Does he only drink spirits ?

Galway K9

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

Does he only drink spirits ?

TAXI!!!!!

EoghanIRL

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

Does he only drink spirits ?

Does he only eat iscream

MonkieSocks

All those with telekinesis... raise my hand!

EoghanIRL

Why did the ghost go into the elevator?

To lift his spirits.

Why did the ghost get kicked out of the bar ?

He was sheet faced

EoghanIRL

realies wrote: »

:D Paddy is going real well on who wants to be a millionaire,

He has got to 125,000. With all his lifelines,

Chris,ok paddy for 250,000, which one of the following was one of the great train robbers, was it

Ronnie wood
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie o Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett,

Take your time paddy,

Paddy, I will take the money Chris,

Chris, are you sure paddy,you have still got three lifelines ?

Paddy,I am sure Chris I will take the money.

Chris,ok audience give Chris a big round of applause..before you go Chris would you like to know the answer?

Paddy, I know the answer Chris...

Chris,you know the answer, you have just turned down a quarter of a million quid !! Are you nuts? Are you mental ?



Paddy, I may be mental Chris but I am no fecking grass, :)

joeguevara

EoghanIRL wrote: »

He didn't want to answer the question because he didn't want to be known as a snitch. I liked the joke.

eisenberg1

joeguevara wrote: »

He didn't want to answer the question because he didn't want to be known as a snitch. I liked the joke.

Don't see where the confusion stems from myself.....

Wossack

Why couldnt the pirates play cards?

Cause the captain was standing on the deck!

EoghanIRL

joeguevara wrote: »

He didn't want to answer the question because he didn't want to be known as a snitch. I liked the joke.

It's the piece I put in bold . Should It not be paddy instead of Chris. I get the joke.

EoghanIRL

So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

:P

AlanS181824

Why do I always seem to read the punchlines first?
Great jokes anyway, keep me giggling :P