Why do you want to be thinner?

Itwasntme. · 26-05-2012 11:29pm

I want to be thinner because I think I will be happier when I am thinner. The thing is, I have been thinner but even then I didn't feel thin. At my lowest weight I was 9 and a half stone and at my heaviest which was late last year, 13 stone. I am 5"7. The former should have been in the range of what would be normal weight for my height if BMI calculations are to be believed but I don't think BMI is an accurate measure of healthy weight for many groups of people-black people being among them. Why? Some studies have shown that we have higher bone density which generally makes us heavier. I looked gaunt at that weight ( At the time I still thought I was fat of course). I was consuming about 1000 calories per day and running five days a week at the crack of dawn. I still wasn't happy.

I have always admired all those people who could love themselves no matter what. I have just never been one of those people. I can't think of a time when I have been happy with my body shape or size. At my current weight of 11 stone and a couple of pounds, I am the not-so-proud owner of a size 8 torso with fast disappearing breasts and size 14 bum and legs. I forgot to add the size 12 arms. It doesn't matter what I do, short of plastic surgery, I can't change the proportions. I am always wearing large jackets to cover my arms and bum, which in turn makes me look even bigger. Losing weight means I can go down to a size 6 torso with no boobies but the most I can hope for on my lower body is a size 12 as I have wide hip bones. But with a size 6 torso, I look older on the face. There's no winning.

Alright, end of pity party.:o

On the upside, I recognise that I am lucky in so many other aspects of my life and I am grateful. So I guess I want to be thinner because...well, now that I have verbally vomited all over this thread, I am not actually sure why I want to be thinner.

Boys. That's probably why.

PrincessLola · 27-05-2012 6:49pm

I used to be bigger (I was never huge though, only slightly chubby) then I went on a diet ate less and lost a lot of weight.
Yes, it is nice to feel more confident in my clothes, but it didn't solve all my problems like I thought it would (unconsciously) I still got depressed just as often and had just as many bleak days.

I'm not saying weightloss is a bad goal to have, its not, I just worry that some women think it will solve their problems and sort their lives out.

herisson · 27-05-2012 7:14pm

I want to be thinner because im insecure about the way i look. For me, i wouldnt be as down about myself as i usually am.

I would feel so different about myself, i think i would be happier! Id love to be thinner especially for my health aswell. I want to be fitter. I want to be able to show my arms and to enjoy the sun!

i know that sound weird but i cover up when im in the sun. People are lucky to see my elbows!

I just want to boost my confidence really!

Dudess · 27-05-2012 9:06pm

Two of my friends who used to be overweight have lost loads of weight - one's a size 6-8, the other is a size 10, and I was telling them (not in any dieting context, just came up in the conversation) about another friend of mine getting an awful dose of a vomiting bug recently, which had her sick for about a week and she lost half a stone. The two of them said they'd love it! I asked them if they were not aware of the fact that they had become slim... and they were wondering to themselves why they had reacted like that. One of them said: if you've ever been big, you'll always feel that way no matter how much weight you lose... which sucked I thought.

Handsome Bob · 27-05-2012 9:23pm

Dudess wrote: »

One of them said: if you've ever been big, you'll always feel that way no matter how much weight you lose... which sucked I thought.

Just from my own perspective, I wouldn't carry that feeling around all the time. But I would have a tendency to get irrational if I spent a period of time eating poorly and not exercising. I'd convince myself I put on a stone or 2 when I haven't.

Right now I'm carrying an injury which has stopped me from running for nearly 2 months now. I'm still the same weight I was when I got injured, some things aren't as firm as they were but that's it. But in my head I'm tricking myself into thinking I've put on a stone or more.

It's an obsession that will always linger for me unfortunately.

PrincessLola · 27-05-2012 9:37pm

Dudess wrote: »

Two of my friends who used to be overweight have lost loads of weight - one's a size 6-8, the other is a size 10, and I was telling them (not in any dieting context, just came up in the conversation) about another friend of mine getting an awful dose of a vomiting bug recently, which had her sick for about a week and she lost half a stone. The two of them said they'd love it! I asked them if they were not aware of the fact that they had become slim... and they were wondering to themselves why they had reacted like that. One of them said: if you've ever been big, you'll always feel that way no matter how much weight you lose... which sucked I thought.

I think that often when we lose (or gain) a significant amount of weight it can take a while for our minds to catch up and re-adjust our body image to our new bodies.

Furthermore, It takes a lot of hard work and occasional periods of hunger to lose weight (anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is bull****ting). Often people who go through all that hardwork and watching every calorie that they take in find they cannot get out of 'diet mode' once the weight is gone.
Thats why when people lose weight they often keep on lowering their target weight the further down they go because they still feel fat.

I was the same, initially I wanted to get to 9 and a half stone, then when I was that weight I wanted to be 9 stone, then I still felt fat and wanted to be 8 and a half. This is how people can fall into eating disorders so easily from what started out as just a diet.

fataltragedy · 29-05-2012 6:52pm

Because I feel happier when I am - for one it's a lovely feeling going into a shop and picking up a pretty dress, or a nice pair of skinny jeans, and trying them on and thinking - yes, I look good in this!

But it's not all material; I genuienly in myself feel happier, more comfortable and 'lighter' (not just in a body weight sense!) when I'm skinnier. Struggling to fight the 'bad foods' at the moment and lose the extra few pounds though!

Princess Peach · 29-05-2012 7:10pm

Dudess wrote: »

Two of my friends who used to be overweight have lost loads of weight - one's a size 6-8, the other is a size 10, and I was telling them (not in any dieting context, just came up in the conversation) about another friend of mine getting an awful dose of a vomiting bug recently, which had her sick for about a week and she lost half a stone. The two of them said they'd love it! I asked them if they were not aware of the fact that they had become slim... and they were wondering to themselves why they had reacted like that. One of them said: if you've ever been big, you'll always feel that way no matter how much weight you lose... which sucked I thought.

I still kind of have this mentality. I have been sick a lot the last few weeks and haven't had much of an appetite, and of course my lack of eating was just making me feel worse. But I am a little delighted I'm not as hungry.

That said I got a tummy bug the other night and was so afraid of getting sick, and kept thinking of the irony that I wouldn't be able to count how many times I purposely did it!

When you have issues with your weight and appearance there is most likely never going to be a time when you feel like you are ideal unless you really work hard to address them, but honestly I don't think they ever fully go away. I've never been anywhere near skinny, even at my lowest weight. But I remember how heartbreaking it was talking to a friend of mine when she had dropped to 5 and a half stone, and she still thought she was fat.

Fizzlesque · 29-05-2012 8:16pm

So my clothes would fit better. I actually want to be more toned, than thinner. I'm not totally unfit, I swim sometimes, cycle to work, walk a lot and eat not-too-bad (!), but my clothes have gone up a size each (from 10 to 12 in trousers/from 12 to 14 for tops; at 5ft 2" that's quite noticeable) in the last few years. I used go out dancing a lot more, now I stay in and eat nice things and drink nice stuff, while lounging about watching box sets till my eyes are square []-[]

I have managed to lose close to a stone since I made a concerted effort to eat better and drink a lot less but I've plateaued, so I'm thinking a dance class would be a good way to redress the balance.

I just need to my lazy bones off to a dance class. On my to-do [when not being a lazy sod] list. I bought dumbbells two years ago and turning occasional-use into regular-use is also on that aforementioned list

29-05-2012 9:07pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I just wouldn't mind it being more toned and having less cellulite - that would automatically take me down a stone I reckon and I think I would be happy enough with that.

Well guess what? Since writing this post I have lost exactly 1 stone and I am a million miles away from happy.

It doesn't help that I've injured my knee and am completely banned from any and all exercise

Mrs Garth Brooks · 29-05-2012 10:05pm

whoopsadaisydoodles wrote: »

Deleted User wrote: »

I just wouldn't mind it being more toned and having less cellulite - that would automatically take me down a stone I reckon and I think I would be happy enough with that.

Well guess what? Since writing this post I have lost exactly 1 stone and I am a million miles away from happy.

It doesn't help that I've injured my knee and am completely banned from any and all exercise

Congrats on losing the weigh.

I hope to write the same thing here in a few weeks. I have about two stone to lose. Not sure how long it should take. Im about a week and a half into my diet and exercise.

I wanted to lose it a few months ago but with college and loads of work, couldn't motivate myself to work out.

I need something to get up for in the morning now that im finished college, looking for work and on the dole. So im finally starting.

For me, I want to look good again. I lost 5 stone about 3 three years ago. Since starting college, I put half back on. Not going there again. It was so easy to put it on but alot of work losing it.

carolinespring · 30-05-2012 1:21pm

In the last 10 weeks or so I have lost 2st5lb with slimming world.

Why...

I don't want to be fat, I want to be healthy and give myself the best chance to have the much wanted, loved baby that we both desire.

To be able to put on a dress i the morning and feel and look amazing

To be fit and healthy and hopefully live to a very old age.

So that I feel sexy

cynder · 30-05-2012 2:24pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Well guess what? Since writing this post I have lost exactly 1 stone and I am a million miles away from happy.

It doesn't help that I've injured my knee and am completely banned from any and all exercise

Great work!

IM no longer feeling like a whale

i do still want to drop below 10 stone, i m 10 stone 5 lbs now, so i still have more work to do. Ive started wearing short dresses and feel great.

guernica · 30-05-2012 11:01pm

I want to be thinner because even though according to the BMI measurement I am healthy weight (BMI about 23), I am not healthy according to the hip-waist ratio and the whole "32 inch waist" measurement - and it shows. Skinny legs and hips and (proportionately) a big belly (35 inch waist vs 38 inch hips). So for health reasons and also because it's very difficult to get an flattering clothes with this shape.

I was about 59kg before and looked a lot better and more proportionate. 64kg now - decided I was sick of worrying about food and calories and was going to relax about it. Unfortunately I relaxed a bit too much and gained 5kg - so now trying to figure out the best way to lose it without getting obsessed with calories.

cynder · 31-05-2012 12:38pm

The only way you have a good hip waist ratio is if you have an hour glass figure or are pear shaped, I think only 8 percent of the population have an hour glass figure and 20 % have a pear shape, I think if I remember correctly over 40 percent have a straight (banana) shaped body others are apple shaped. Tbh no one can change their shape. Your can't be an apple shape and change in to an hour glass or pear shape without surgery.

I think to be an hour glass there has to be at least 9 inches difference between hip and waist and waist n bust, pear shape would be 9 + inches from hip and waist and less than 9inches from waist n bust.

I've only ever been 5 inches between waist n hip and 5 inches from waist n bust, which puts me in a straight body type and also means my waist n hip ratio isn't great.

I think the person who came u with hip waist ratio must have had an hour glass figure.

Michellenman · 31-05-2012 1:22pm

The hip-waist ratio isn't all about shape or what's attractive. It's not like BMI, it's actually quite accurate for all builds and shapes and heights. It's about the amount of fat stored across the abdomen and how that fat is distributed, the fat that rests there is more likely to surround vital organs and impair their functioning and the cells there are more resistant to insulin which puts you at a higher risk of high blood pressure, diabetes, heart attacks and strokes.

Honey-ec · 31-05-2012 1:26pm

The 32" waist measurement isn't taken in relation to any other body part (so there's no ratio involved), it's a standalone measurement and a lot of doctors are beginning to accept that it's a more accurate measurement than BMI.

Unfortunately, people who fall above the measurements don't like to hear that, but the research is there. http://www.safefood.eu/Stop-The-Spread.aspx

Michellenman · 31-05-2012 1:29pm

There's the 32'' waist measurement and the waist-hip ratio which involves a ratio. Both are taken as more indicative of health than BMI.

Honey-ec · 31-05-2012 1:31pm

Michellenman wrote: »

There's the 32'' waist measurement and the waist-hip ratio which involves a ratio. Both are taken as more indicative of health than BMI.

Oh I know that, I was pointing out that the 32/37" thing didn't involve a ratio as some people seemed to be confusing the two.

cynder · 31-05-2012 2:20pm

I went on the calculator and If you type 38 inch waist and 48 inch hips you fall into low risk why because its a pear shape or hour glass shape in fact with that they are at lower risk than I am even though my waist is 30 inches and my hips are 36.

I typed in a 48 inch waist and 60 inch hips and still that fell into .82 where mine is .83

Even at my skinniest with a 27 inch waist I still only had 32inch hips. That's was .84 Any one with a straight body shape or apple body shape will not achieve a good hip waist ratio.

Anyone over a 32 inch waist is considered at risk on a general term however if your 6foot I wouldn't consider a 32 inch waist fat. At 4 foot 9 a 32 inch waist would be big.

BMI isn't even that accurate since muscle weighs more than fat.

The only way I could have a hip waist ratio of under .80 is to have surgery to fill out my hips or take in my waist, I was built straight even at a size 8.

As for diabetes I'm already at risk, I had 2 babies over 4kg, if I have another baby chances are I will get gestational diabetes. Also 2 grandparents had type 2 on top of that my mother has thyroid desease (which goes hand in hand with diabetes) 3 of my aunts also have it and a number of cousins, my daughter is type 1 diabetic. So yeh if anyone should be diabetic it's me. My grandmother died from a stroke. My bp is at the low side of normal just like my mothers normally I'm 102 over 62 I have been 96 over 54 and my lowest was 85 over 47. I never ever go higher than 112 over 70 the only time I did was at the start of labour and then it went normal again. I'm very clued in, my cholesterol is with normal range.

At the end of the day I die when I'm meant to, be it by heart attack, or being hit by a bus. I can only do as much as I can do and I can't change my hip waist ratio as that's the way I was made.

Stench Blossoms · 31-05-2012 2:53pm

Muscle does not weigh more than fat.

A lb of muscle is the same weight as a lb of fat.

A lb of muscle will however take up less space that a lb of fat.

cynder · 31-05-2012 3:12pm

M

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

Muscle does not weigh more than fat.

A lb of muscle is the same weight as a lb of fat.

A lb of muscle will however take up less space that a lb of fat.

Perhaps phrased wrong but yep, you have a 6 foot 2 112kg muscle man and have a 112 kg 6foot 2 fat boy, both are said to be over weight. Yet man 1 has smaller body than man 2.

Lia_lia · 31-05-2012 3:13pm

My hip ratio thing is .75.....whatever the hell that means

cynder · 31-05-2012 3:23pm

Lia_lia wrote: »

My hip ratio thing is .75.....whatever the hell that means

Means you have a slim waist and a larger hip. Which is great.. Also means your possible pear shaped or hour glass, unlikely you are straight body shape. And your not apple shaped.

31-05-2012 3:27pm

mine is .73-.75 i think...

Das Kitty · 31-05-2012 3:37pm

Where are people measuring their waists?

Mine's 29" when you measure according to dressmaking measuring positions. ie the bit between your ribs and hip bone. I asked my GP and he said that's the right position medically as well.

I think a lot of people measure x amount away from their belly buttons, and belly buttons can be all over the place. Look at Tara Reid...

31-05-2012 3:39pm

Das Kitty wrote: »

Where are people measuring their waists?

Mine's 29" when you measure according to dressmaking measuring positions. ie the bit between your ribs and hip bone. I asked my GP and he said that's the right position medically as well.

I think a lot of people measure x amount away from their belly buttons, and belly buttons can be all over the place. Look at Tara Reid...

the smallest part is what i've been told to do
between ribs and hip i think that is too

http://store.pinareris.com/product_images/uploaded_images/sizing1.jpg

The Big Red Button · 31-05-2012 4:46pm

Das Kitty wrote: »

Where are people measuring their waists?

Mine's 29" when you measure according to dressmaking measuring positions. ie the bit between your ribs and hip bone. I asked my GP and he said that's the right position medically as well.

I think a lot of people measure x amount away from their belly buttons, and belly buttons can be all over the place. Look at Tara Reid...

I just googled "Tara Reid belly button" ... Jayzus, that's weird alright.

(You'd know I was on study leave ...

Googling some random celebrity's belly button -I've no idea who Tara Reid even is ... procrastination at its finest!)

Lia_lia · 31-05-2012 5:05pm

grindelwald wrote: »

Means you have a slim waist and a larger hip. Which is great.. Also means your possible pear shaped or hour glass, unlikely you are straight body shape. And your not apple shaped.

Oh right. My body is pretty straight looking! I do kinda have hips though so I guess it's somewhat right!

cynder · 31-05-2012 5:07pm

Das Kitty wrote: »

Where are people measuring their waists?

Mine's 29" when you measure according to dressmaking measuring positions. ie the bit between your ribs and hip bone. I asked my GP and he said that's the right position medically as well.

I think a lot of people measure x amount away from their belly buttons, and belly buttons can be all over the place. Look at Tara Reid...

My waist is around an inch higher than my belly button. my belly button falls at the same height as teh top of my hip bone ( iliac crest) my waist is just under my 1st rib bone, This would be my smallest area.

Princess Peach · 31-05-2012 5:48pm

One thing we discussed a good deal in my counselling is what complimenting someone's weight can mean, and its not always a good thing. The person giving the compliment really has no idea what is going on in the other person's mind. Not saying this is always the case, but for women with weight issues a compliment can be turned into something destructive, and there's no way of knowing this from the giver.

When I did my group counselling it really surprised me how many of us could link the start of our problems back to this. I know for me I lost a lot of weight without trying, while I was away travelling, I didn't even notice until this wave of compliments came in, everyone telling me how great I looked. But how that affected me was it really just made me focus on the idea that I must have looked awful before, and I couldn't go back to that. It happened not soon after this I was sick from medication and lost even more weight, and again people said I never looked better, even though I was really sick. This was a similar case with a few girls in my support group.

Then to maintain this weight I took extreme measures, and people kept on at how great I looked. The worst was when they would say they envied me, how did I do it? Couldn't really tell them the truth!

Another point is when people talk about someone who has gained weight. I doubt there's a woman here who has never been in a group of girls gossiping about someone who "let themselves go". The fact is you can never really know why they have. I have gained a lot of weigh in the last year, but for me it was actually trying to get healthy! And one thing that sticks in my mind always is if people were so fast to notice me losing weight, I am sure they have noticed I gained weight. And I hate wondering what they think of me.

I've learned never to compliment someone's weight loss. I know it seems like a lovely thing to do, and that rarely does it come with any ill intent and that it doesn't affect everyone in a bad way. But it does reinforce this idea that appearance and weight are so important. And someone can lose weight and look great and be healthy, but want to do that little bit more so people will notice again and make them feel good. I know it seems like an obvious thing to say when someone is putting in a great effort to lose weight, but focusing on it is not always good.

I remember now what my counsellor said! She said what we should say is "I notice you have lost weight, how do you feel about it?"

Fizzlesque · 31-05-2012 7:06pm

Princess Peach wrote: »

One thing we discussed a good deal in my counselling is what complimenting someone's weight can mean, and its not always a good thing. The person giving the compliment really has no idea what is going on in the other person's mind. Not saying this is always the case, but for women with weight issues a compliment can be turned into something destructive, and there's no way of knowing this from the giver.

Good post, Princess Peach, thanks. A good friend of mine gained a lot of weight in her twenties - and remained very large for a long time. About two years ago she started a weight loss programme and very slowly began to lose weight. I noticed she would get very uncomfortable and tried to change the conversation/topic whenever someone complimented her on her weight loss, so I certainly never brought it up in conversation. She opened up a bit one evening and said straight out she didn't like it mentioned and that when you've been as big as she is, for as long as she was, you still see yourself as the big girl, and feel you've further to go.

Another interesting thing though, it turns out a lot of her friends (me included) had stopped seeing her as big. She was just her lovely self. Sounds cheesy but it's true. One time she was supposed to meet someone to do with work, someone she'd never met before, and a friend was arranging it. The friend gave lots of descriptions but your man couldn't find/see/recognise her because the one description she left out was her size. When asked why (after it was all sorted and the meeting had happened) why she'd neglected to mention her size, she admitted she didn't even think of it, because she genuinely doesn't see it. For whatever reason, who knows.

Perceptions really don't follow the beat of one drum, that's for sure.

LollieB · 01-06-2012 9:32pm

Since I found this thread & decided to finally tackle my issues around my weight in therapy, a lot has changed and a lot of different things have been brought to my attention. I'm so glad this thread was here & I decided to post in it- it's definitely been the first big step up the staircase.

I've realised that I suffer from body dysmorphia. It feels so great to put a name on it but it is terrifying at the same time. Rationally I know that I am not obese, or even that overweight really, but in my mind I am a disgusting, hideously ugly, beastly, unfeminine woman who could never be considered attractive. I can find all sorts of evidence in my life to back up this image of myself but I know this is my warped way of thinking.

I thought for a long time I was going crazy because I barely recognise myself in photographs from what I see in the mirror. I don't know what the real me looks like. Even recent photos from a few months ago- I don't recognise the girl in the picture. Rationally I know it's me but I don't recognise her. It's such a scary feeling. I often think I belong in the mad house. I can feel very resentful when people compliment me- I feel like they are lying to me to make me feel better. I'm nearly grateful when I can find the insult in someone's words (I rationally know they haven't insulted me, I'm just twisting their words to suit my feelings) because I feel like they are honest with me. I've stopped trusting my friends and my family. I don't like to be touched anymore- cuddled, pat on the back- nothing. And a healthy, satisfying sex life is out of the question.

I realise that this distrust is me projecting the lack of trust I have with myself on others. My therapist says I talk about myself as if I'm a meth addict who's skin is rotting away & as if I am a 30stone woman. I am 5'10 and a size 16-18. I'm currently a 38GG and I have a comparatively small waist. I am at my heaviest at the moment. I feel like an oaf. I never want to be below a size 14, funnily enough. I'd love to be a healthy, curvy woman. But I am very aware that weight loss is not the answer. I need to tackle it from within which is frustrating. I'm very impatient.

I've only really begun my journey. I am more aware of my body and my body language now. I've joined a gym but I'm taking it slow & making it fun & healthy rather than punishing. These small steps have been good. I've never been so honest about myself as I have in this post. My next goal is to talk to some of my close friends & tell them all this. Some of them are living abroad so I'd email them but this scares the hell out of me as well. I don't even know how to begin! After that, I don't know what the next step is after that really but I'm just glad I've started tackling it.

beks101 · 02-06-2012 1:47am

Fizzlesque wrote: »

I noticed she would get very uncomfortable and tried to change the conversation/topic whenever someone complimented her on her weight loss

I remember when I was in the thick of my eating disorder, I felt like this too. And I got a lot of comments, because I basically looked like a different person. I don't even recognise myself from photos - I look like a far younger, far skinnier sister of myself.

I actually think the 'commentary' played an inherent role in my disorder, as it sort of formed the basis for how I viewed myself - I either validated or chastised myself accordingly.

If people said I looked great (and most people did in the beginning, either that or jealous stares from women) I subconsciously thought 'awesome, lets keep going with this'. If the comments stopped - which they did as I approached my pre-ED weight - it confirmed to me that I was a fat and worthless and people just weren't noticing me anymore. I was 'average', every anorexic's nightmare.

Also, when I think back to it - and bear with me on this one - the comments fuelled this sort of unsettling feeling that I was 'losing ownership' of my body. Sort of along the point that PrincessPeach made - it was like I could only look 'great!' and 'amazing!' and any other adjective people threw at me, if I shaped my life around the bid to stay skinny. Like I couldn't be 'beautiful' to men, 'enviable' to women, noticeable to anyone, unless I was exceptionally thin - being 'me' wasn't enough. I had no choice but to stay this way. The comments really added fire to what was already a pressure cooker in my head.

Just be careful with the comments if someone in your life has lost weight. If it's an acquaintance, I would go as far as to say don't comment. And just as importantly - don't stare. That person WILL notice. It's not your place anyway, even if it's blatantly obvious to all and sundry that this person is strictly dieting/exercising. Weight loss is hugely personal.

If it's a close friend or family member, spend some time with them. Don't probe, wait for the conversation to naturally occur. If it doesn't, suss out their mood, are they happy? Do they seem stressed, down, a bit insecure? THEN, a comment along the lines of what PrincessP suggested is appropriate.

But the direct 'you've lost so much weight, you look amazing!' and the 'you're so skinny! What's your secret?'s can be very damaging.

PrincessLola · 02-06-2012 2:19am

When I lost weight at first I was quite unfair to people.

If someone mentioned it I would be embarrassed and insulted (because I felt like they were saying I was fat before)

But if they said nothing at all I got upset because I felt like no one noticed or cared.

Yep, they were damned if they do, damned if they don't.

Handsome Bob · 02-06-2012 10:59am

PrincessLola wrote: »

When I lost weight at first I was quite unfair to people.

If someone mentioned it I would be embarrassed and insulted (because I felt like they were saying I was fat before)

But if they said nothing at all I got upset because I felt like no one noticed or cared.

Yep, they were damned if they do, damned if they don't.

I accepted that there was a problem so I didn't mind people passing compliments when I lost weight. It was that acceptance that actually helped me finally lose a couple of stone.

Lia_lia · 02-06-2012 12:05pm

beks101 wrote: »

Just be careful with the comments if someone in your life has lost weight. If it's an acquaintance, I would go as far as to say don't comment.

What. I always comment if someone has lost weight. Or if almost anything about their appearance has changed (for the better!).

It's seems like we have to watch what we say to everyone about anything these days, it's pretty sad.

Monife · 02-06-2012 12:15pm

Lia_lia wrote: »

What. I always comment if someone has lost weight. Or if almost anything about their appearance has changed (for the better!).

It's seems like we have to watch what we say to everyone about anything these days, it's pretty sad.

+1. I'd be very disheartened in my weight loss journey if no one commented on how well I was looking or that I had lost weight.

Fizzlesque · 02-06-2012 2:43pm

Lia_lia wrote: »

What. I always comment if someone has lost weight. Or if almost anything about their appearance has changed (for the better!).

It's seems like we have to watch what we say to everyone about anything these days, it's pretty sad.

Monife wrote: »

+1. I'd be very disheartened in my weight loss journey if no one commented on how well I was looking or that I had lost weight.

I don't think it's a black and white situation - I guess gauging the situation for each person separately is necessary. When I see my friend on a night out, I say something like "that skirt is gorgeous - you look great" (she always has lovely skirts, and I used say those words to her when she was still big, because she would look great and the skirt would be gorgeous) and sometimes she mentions the fact she's thrilled she can finally fit into it, or that she had to go shopping because none of her old clothes fit her now, and other times she'll just tell me where she got it or that it's old/new/her favourite etc. I let her steer the conversation; sometimes she's up for talking about it and other times she isn't.

One day I met another woman I know (an acquaintance, not a friend) who is very large and she talks about her plans to lose weight quite openly and freely (to me, anyway). She wanted to try the milkshake twice a day with no food diet (a lad in my office had done that diet and lost shedloads of weight) and asked about it a lot.

I met her one day and she looked exactly as she always did but she asked me out straight did I not notice anything about her :eek: I didn't....

Apparently she'd lost a stone on the milkshake diet. Even once she'd said it I couldn't see, and it was too late to say "yes, you look great". It was so uncomfortable, for me anyway - she seemed fine but I have no idea if she was fine or not.

My weight fluctuates so sometimes I'm slim enough and other times I head towards 'cuddly' [rarely skinny, but I have been a few times] and I love it when a bit of weight slips off and someone comments. Except my dad - he does a terrible line in "have you lost weight" comments - something about the way he words them and says them really irritates me. But that could be just because he's my dad and much as I love him, he really irritates me sometimes.

Know your audience, that's what it boils down to for me. After reading some of the stories on this thread, I know I'm gonna take more care about what I say to whom on this subject. Not that I didn't before, I did, but with a bit more of an understanding, I suppose.

Princess Peach · 02-06-2012 3:00pm

Lia_lia wrote: »

What. I always comment if someone has lost weight. Or if almost anything about their appearance has changed (for the better!).

It's seems like we have to watch what we say to everyone about anything these days, it's pretty sad.

It's just re-enforcing this idea that weight is so important, the first thing you notice. You should just say "You look really nice today." If they have new clothes because of their weight loss, comment on that. Maybe the seem healthier, so tell them they look really happy lately. Don't make it all about the weight.

You never know how these comments affect a person. My closest friends and family didn't know what was going on with me, and I cannot tell you how often they talked about it, which really did just fuel me. Not blaming them, it was how I interpreted those conversations that was the problem.

It's just to be a bit more mindful, and not make everything about weight. It's way too much of a culture in our society.

beks101 · 02-06-2012 6:26pm

Lia_lia wrote: »

What. I always comment if someone has lost weight. Or if almost anything about their appearance has changed (for the better!).

It's seems like we have to watch what we say to everyone about anything these days, it's pretty sad.

That's coming from someone who doesn't have food or weight issues though - right? I don't mean to be assumptive - and correct me if I'm wrong - but from the above, you sound like you don't share these struggles.

My Dad would be the same - my illness was always a mystery to him. He thought I was immature and irrational for wanting to lose so much weight and then refusing to gain when my health was on the line. He has a heart of gold and went to the ends of the earth to support me - drove me to and from my appointments in Dublin, came to my counselling sessions and all the rest, but it made no sense to him. It was instinctive to him to comment if I looked drastically different - be it my hair, my clothes, my weight, whatever.

And that's a normal reaction. But you just don't know what's going on in the other person's head. No matter how positive their reaction seems to be and no matter how you feel you yourself would react to the same comment.

And from my experience with the women in my life and their relationship with their bodies, I would say you are in the minority of females if you haven't/don't have food and weight issues.

02-06-2012 7:09pm

beks101 wrote: »

That's coming from someone who doesn't have food or weight issues though - right? I don't mean to be assumptive - and correct me if I'm wrong - but from the above, you sound like you don't share these struggles.

.

I have always struggled with weight and food. Since my very late teens, before that I was very slim and beautifully toned. I would definitely not have lost the weight I have without people telling me I had lost weight. There was a period of about 10lbs where no one seemed to notice and I was so very close to giving up as I didn't see the point. Suddenly everyone was saying it to me and it motivated me to continue. A very close friend who dropped from 16stone to 5stone and was told she was on the brink of death [who ten years on is very healthy and happy] would tell me when I had lost weight.

I understand where yourself and PP are coming from, that it shouldn't always be about weight, and saying "you look great" can be effective too but I don't think we should always avoid the weight issue.

I'm starting to accept my body of late, but ultimately the reason I want to be thinner is to feel gorgeous. That's it. Pure vanity

Abi · 02-06-2012 9:47pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm starting to accept my body of late, but ultimately the reason I want to be thinner is to feel gorgeous. That's it. Pure vanity

I've met you before a couple of times Whoopsie, and I think you're beautiful. Your reasons for wanting to lose weight are your own, and I respect that. But it won't change the fact that you're a natural beauty as you are

SarahBeep! · 03-06-2012 1:14am

I was trying something on yesterday and I started looking at myself.

This will look amazing with your hair done and your make up on...
Your boobs look great...
It hides your tummy...
Waist/his look good...

Then I got to my legs. I have out of practice rugby player legs.
Decided I wanna tone up my legs. This will know off a tiny bit of weight too. Then start working on my middle.

I don't wanna be 'thinner', I wanna be healthier. I want to tone up. I want to be desirable.

Lia_lia · 03-06-2012 2:56am

Princess Peach wrote: »

It's just re-enforcing this idea that weight is so important, the first thing you notice. You should just say "You look really nice today." If they have new clothes because of their weight loss, comment on that. Maybe the seem healthier, so tell them they look really happy lately. Don't make it all about the weight.

You never know how these comments affect a person. My closest friends and family didn't know what was going on with me, and I cannot tell you how often they talked about it, which really did just fuel me. Not blaming them, it was how I interpreted those conversations that was the problem.

It's just to be a bit more mindful, and not make everything about weight. It's way too much of a culture in our society.

I see what you mean, but not everyone has weight issues. People can often be delighted if you comment on their weight-loss. I usually only comment if I know the person has been trying to lose weight (healthily!)

I lost a lot of weight last year (wasn't really intentional..I just lose weight easily), went quite underweight for my height, and lots people were saying I looked ill and too thin and to "eat a few cakes" etc... That in my opinion is way worse than telling someone they look good

beks101 wrote: »

And from my experience with the women in my life and their relationship with their bodies, I would say you are in the minority of females if you haven't/don't have food and weight issues.

Ah, I have had food issues. I once gave up everything nice (sweets/cakes etc) for a year because I thought they made me put on weight. I grew up a vegetarian, then started eating meat at about 17 but then gave it up a few years later because I thought it was making me put on weight (and low and behold I then dropped from a size 12 to an 8 in a few months)...

I just make mad, strict lifestyle changes to keep my body looking the way I want instead of obsessing over it like many girls do.

LollieB · 04-06-2012 10:12pm

well I did it. I spoke to pretty much all of my close friends about the body dysmorphia, about my eating habits and my obsessive habits. Had to email the few that were abroad and had one very emotional skype! I'm spent after it. It was so nerve wracking, especially in the case of the emails as I had to wait for a reply. Had a restless sleep and a ball of nerves in the pit of my tummy.

I went out at the weekend to take my mind off things. Had one of the best nights out I've had in aaages. Got a lock in at the pub & sat up 'til 5am chatting with a bar tender. We spoke about everything & I've never been so honest with someone. We kissed & stayed at his. He took my number & we've since been chatting.

I've never felt so free to be very honest. People didn't run for the hills when I told them. I didn't get sectioned (at least not yet). Everyone has been understanding. I realised that if a friendship did die over my sharing, then it wasn't a friendship. It's out in the open & I don't have to hide it. I also don't have to bang on about it either.

Now I really don't know what's next, maybe a support group? I definitely feel more able join one now but maybe I'm going too fast.

All I know is that my raspberry & coconut brownies are baking in the oven, I feel closer to my friends and feel that I am taking back some control!

Princess Peach · 05-06-2012 12:06am

LollieB wrote: »

Now I really don't know what's next, maybe a support group? I definitely feel more able join one now but maybe I'm going too fast.
!

I did one on one counselling and two support groups, one for eating disorders and one for body dismorphia. I really liked the support groups, nice to talk to other girls who are similar. Like something I do or think that I feel is crazy girl behavior, others are the same! Makes you feel normal! And even though you don't get as much face time with the psychologists, I still felt it really helped.

In the body dismorphia class most of us had eating disorders but a couple of the girls just had body image issues. I like one on one counselling, but I did enjoy the support groups more.

I kinda felt a bit cured about over a month ago, and stopped going. But have just noticed my bad habits slipping up again, didn't even realise things I was doing! So going to consciously try to take on board what I have learned before, and if it doesn't seem to turn around in a few weeks I will probably go back to support group or the psychologist.

Stheno · 06-06-2012 11:07pm

Lia_lia wrote: »

What. I always comment if someone has lost weight. Or if almost anything about their appearance has changed (for the better!).

It's seems like we have to watch what we say to everyone about anything these days, it's pretty sad.

And what if someone in work who was already thin lost weight? Would you comment on that? Or if they looked unhealthy would you think differently?

beks101 wrote: »

And from my experience with the women in my life and their relationship with their bodies, I would say you are in the minority of females if you haven't/don't have food and weight issues.

I genuinely don't have food/weight issues, I was a stocky child and lost the "baby fat" when I was about 16, and since then have tended to fluctuate between an 8 and a 12 depending on stress (and what stores I am shopping in

) Last time I weighed myself (don't have a scales lol) was last Sept in my doctors and I can't remember the weight I was then but it was fine so I left it at that.

I've never been on a diet, eat what I like, and in that sense am blessed in that I inherited my dads genes weight wise.

However I absolutely hate people commenting on my weight, especially if I've dropped a haf stone or more, my doctor observes my weight when I go in and comments if I've lost weight, my colleagues comment on how thin I am, and then are disgusted that I've had food they wouldn't dream of eating with no consequence to my weight etc.

Equally I would never comment if I thought a female friend/colleague had gained weight in case they were pregnant

Lia_lia wrote: »

I lost a lot of weight last year (wasn't really intentional..I just lose weight easily), went quite underweight for my height, and lots people were saying I looked ill and too thin and to "eat a few cakes" etc... That in my opinion is way worse than telling someone they look good

I get called "the skinny bitch" in work to my face. Not any badness, more envy from colleagues who are watching their weight and not meant in a bad or mean way at all, it's pure "I can't believe you can eat whatever you like and not worry about your weight" reaction type of thing. It can actually make you feel very negative about yourself as much as someone commenting on someone being overweight if that makes sense?

Lia_lia · 06-06-2012 11:30pm

Stheno wrote: »

And what if someone in work who was already thin lost weight? Would you comment on that? Or if they looked unhealthy would you think differently?

Well, yeah. But not in a "well done" kinda way..

Stheno · 06-06-2012 11:38pm

Lia_lia wrote: »

Well, yeah. But not in a "well done" kinda way..

That's what has essentially caused me to adopt what someone said earlier, and just tell people they look really well/I like their outfit etc.

I no longer comment on weight.

Some people struggle to keep their weight down, some struggle to keep their weight up. It seems far more acceptable to comment on those who are too thin than those who are too fat, and in some sense to denigrate them.

I often get lovely comments about my clothes/makeup whatever, but if someone points out body features or that I'm slim/thin/skinny I view it negatively, just as someone who may be struggling with weight might be the same, yet it seems its far more socially acceptable to comment on someone being too thin than it is the opposite?

Why do you want to be thinner?

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