SUPPORT for victims of sexual assault thread - mod warning post #1

nicowa wrote: »

Again, I said abuse, not rape.

I think TC should clarify. As it stands it sounds like his girlfriend nags him or sulks. I don't think we can start calling nagging/sulking abuse tbh.

Dudess wrote: »

It certainly isn't ok.

I get what you mean though - if a female friend of mine capitulated due to pressure and passive-aggressive bullying and she told me about it, I'd feel uncomfortable and concerned for her. I wouldn't deem it rape though. I'd advise her to re-evaluate her relationship all right.
Why would anyone have sex with someone who isn't in the mood and isn't turned on...?

I agree. I'd say it was abusive, if the other person knew that their partner was operating under duress, bullying and intolerable and I would encourage that friend to leave that relationship. I don't know how I'd term the abuse but I think the semantics are less important than the situation itself and the emotionally unhealthy nature of the relationship.

Nowicantell, that made me well up. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Your attacker is an absolute excuse for a human being and you sound like an amazingly strong person to keep going from that. Keep up with the counselling; it took me a long time before I felt the effects of it but keep trying--you deserve to not live in fear of the memories springing up to torment you. Thanks for sharing--it was really brave to do so.x

BarackPyjama wrote: »

Why do women, or men for that matter, have their own forums where you are treated differently to the opposite sex? Are we not seeking to live in an age of unadulterated equality? These divisive discussion forums would suggest otherwise. Time to merge The Ladies Lounge and the The Gentleman's Club. :cool:

Stay on topic or don't post.

I was sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend, a number of times while we were in a relationship. The events happened between 5 and 7 years ago, and each time he apologised and seemed genuinely sorry for hurting me. It was my first proper relationship and I was naive. I didn't realise that sexual assault could happen in a relationship, in the middle of what began as consensual sex, but ended up in assault because he wanted to do something that I wasn't happy with and when I said no and tried to push him away he held me down and kept going, even though I was crying and trying to push him off.

It was only about this time last year that it suddenly hit me that what he'd done to me was sexual assault. I had blocked it out by not thinking about it, but now, I keep thinking about it regularly. This is the first time I've ever even said/wrote anything about it. I've wanted to tell my friends so many times, but every time I think I can say it, the words stop just before I can get them out. Maybe today will be the start of me figuring out how to get the words out?

I really appreciate everyone sharing their experiences, thank you.

I've been unlucky in this area. I was sexually abused as a child / teenager by a half brother for eight years, starting with assault to full blown rape but I completely dissociated my head from my body. The other half brother was gropey with me and for so long I didn't see it as assault. Besides considering what I endured from the other one it was small fry in comparison.

As a teenager working in a shop I had several old men grope my bottom and chest, one old man tried to pull me into his house when I was delivery a box of groceries to him. I kicked him in the shin and got away.

As a result of the sexual abuse I had no boundaries and no confidence. I was a screwed up young woman who left home. I had sex with a lot of men because that was all I knew about affection. Most of them I regretted but I wasn't raped by them except for one guy. I was drunk and crying because his friend had gone of with another girl. He comforted me and put his arm around me, he tried to kiss me and I moved my head away, I remember him saying I was not like other girls who were whores. I was still crying and he suggested we go to his room so I could talk more freely, I said do you promise not to try it on, he promised. When we got to his room he started kissing me and pulling at my clothes, I said no please, but he ignored me, I didn't fight him or anything, I just regressed, zoned out and let him get on with it. Afterwards I walked around the place like a zombie until I found my friend's car and waited for her. Initially I thought I was to blame because I was drunk, I went to his room and I didn't fight him but it was rape and I was not to blame because just before this happened I had met another guy, we went to his room and we were about to have sex, he even had his trousers down and for some reason I blurted out that I couldn't do this, and he pulled his trousers up and walked me home. He was a decent man.

The next time I was sexually assaulted was an ex of mine, he forced me to have anal sex and said a number of derogatory words at me. He did that a couple of times but he was a violent man anyway.

I have had another man force oral sex on me in a violent way until I punched him in the chest, which I am glad I did.

I've been groped countless times both as a teenager in crowded places and in nightclubs. I get very anxious now if people are in my body space.

I have had the courage to finally report what my half brother did to me, both to the social services as he now has children and to the guards but let me tell you the process is not easy, it is incredibly stressful and I have had very little support. I have no contact with my family as they want me to keep quiet about it and pretend it never happened (despite a sister of mine killing herself because of what he did to her as well)

I have to keep complaining to the guards as the case is not progressing (they are two and a half years still investigating things). I've moved location to feel safer, I have a good job and provide for my child but I'll be honest I often feel very lonely and isolated because I have no family to fall back on or help me, I have no one, not even relatives and the friends that I know are more acquaintances and I often think why would I bother them with all this heavy ****. I've been to counselling and it has helped me enormously but there is only so much a counsellor can help with. I realise that I carry this stuff inside me all the time as I smile and get on with life and I try to rebuild the mess of my past. I'm getting there and I see myself more as survivor than a victim these days but it is tough too. It is not easy reporting someone and there is still a lot of blame put on victims. I have been told in the case of sexual abuse as a child and the rape / assaults as an adult as to why did I let it happen, you could have done this or that to prevent but the bottom line is these acts are wrong. The people committing the act shouldn't be doing it, whether it is done a male or a female.

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I'm sorry Wonderfullife and ladies on here. I directed Wonderfullife to this thread as I wanted him to read about my account, as I thought I had worded it here better than anywhere else. He's been very supportive to me about my assault, and he wouldn't have come here only that I told him about it, so I feel bad now that he got given out to.

I agree with his sentiments that men need to be educated more on what sexual assault is, as if men are confused how do we ever progess?

But I can see now that this thread is not the place to discuss it, maybe another thread some time?

Kudos to all the ladies and men sharing their stories, it's very brave and hopefully healing for everyone involved. X.

For my part, I wasn't trying to give out to him. I think he misunderstood my anger at certain posters and I agree with his motives on why he thinks there should be education on the topic. I have no problem with somebody asking questions on rape or sexual assault--as long as it's respectful.

But there are some, and I know you've experienced it elsewhere on Boards, that insidiously try to undermine assault victims' experiences or perceptions of sexual violence on every single one of these threads. They were the people I was getting annoyed at and was lashing out at, not posters who genuinely want to understand the subject.

Also, given the nature of this forum, the one area on Boards where women are in the majority, it is irritating and frankly a little disturbing that male posters show up to try to steer the topic to the male perspective.

I hope wonderfullife or other male posters don't feel they can't discuss the topic at all on Boards now; that wasn't my intention at all. My plea was more for sensitivity on the parts of those who are seeking to turn this topic into a conversation from the male perspective when really this isn't the place to do it.

I've been very lucky in my life, and sometimes don't appreciate that. I've never had to go through anything like what has been discussed in this thread.

I just wanted to say that so many of the women on this thread are inspirational. You're all so strong even just to be able to tell your story.

Reading this thread has given me the courage to finally admit that I was raped... multiple times.
I have never been able to admit this to myself before because I the man was someone I had b een going out with for four years. I thought that I loved him and that he loved me so it couldn't be rape. He had such a high sex drive that often I'd be raw from having sex and he would want more. I would say no but he would get into a foul mood and continue anyway. I remember lying there in pain hoping it would stop soon.
Sometimes he wouldn't force me but would torment me into consenting and the same thing would happen.
He was m y first boyfriend and I didn't ralise how wrong this was at the time. He was abusive. The relationship was hidden from my family, I lost all my friends because of him. He emotionally abused me as well. My self esteem was gone. He could be so aggessive. I literally had nobody to turn to.
He fathered my child and when this happened my family found out about him and they knew he was horrible to me but they didn't know the full extent. I remember shortly after my child was born, he harrassed me for sex. With my families support I finally ended things but still had to see him regulary where he would still be pushy to me when nobody was around.

Shortly afterwards a member of his extended family accused him of raping her but he committed suicide before the trial. Everyone thinks it was lies but deep down I know it was true.

I have never told anyone about this. My family have no idea. I feel dirty and like it was my fault. I still have to take my child to see his family and it kills me to be around anything to do with him.

Because my self esteem is so low I have been in other situations since, where I have done things with other men that I'm not happy about. I feel like I can't say no at all and it adds to my self disgust.

This has had a huge effect on my life but it's only now I can admit to myself that I was raped. I am to ashamed to tell anyone about it.