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What do you think of sending condolences via text?

245

Comments

  • #32
    whydoibother?
    Closed Accounts Posts: 758 ✭✭✭whydoibother?


    I think sending a card might be the best option. It gives you the freedom to write as much as you want, or just a few lines - whatever feels appropriate. I suppose you could write a letter if you had a lot you really wanted to say. I don't think snail mail would take unacceptably long.

    Alternatively, I think a well-written email might be nice. But it would have to be something of substance rather than just a quick line to differentiate it from a text which looks like it took about a seconds effort imo.


  • #33
    4zn76tysfajdxp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,944 ✭✭✭✭4zn76tysfajdxp


    hooradiation wrote: »
    Anyone who'd be 'insulted' by getting a message of condolence in this manner rather than focusing on the fact someone gave enough of a shit to send it in the first place needs to be punched in the throat.

    At the funeral or...?


  • #34
    hooradiation
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,922 ✭✭✭hooradiation


    Astrid Grumpy Hash wrote: »
    At the funeral or...?

    Why not, a bit of levity at a funeral is always a good thing.


  • #35
    biko
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 81,219 ✭✭✭✭biko


    hooradiation wrote: »
    needs to be punched in the throat.
    Cop on, just because people think differently than you doesn't mean they're wrong. And suggesting punching someone in the throat is walking a fine line here.


  • #36
    Orando Broom
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,351 ✭✭✭Orando Broom


    candlegrease wrote: »
    When you hear a friend has lost a loved one you might not always be near enough to express your regret in person. Snail mail takes a very long and seems a bit over the top/antiquated. Sometimes you may be apprehensive about ringing the person in case they become emotional over the phone or they may not want to deal with a phone call. Also you may just not be that close that you'd ring them.

    Condolences via Facebook or Twitter are a bit crude I think and I would never consider them.

    That leaves texting. It sounds bad but in some cases it looks like the only course of action so I think it's fine.

    Opinions?

    1. In Person
    2. Phone Call
    3. Text/email

    In that order. If you genuinely can't do one or two, texting is fine. If you can do either even with a bit of effort texting can be viewed as a bit distant.


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  • #37
    ejmaztec
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,267 ✭✭✭✭ejmaztec


    hooradiation wrote: »
    Why not, a bit of levity at a funeral is always a good thing.

    It's only good manners to punch someone in the head at weddings.


  • #38
    Dudess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 37,214 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    I really cannot understand why people would be insulted/would automatically view it as insincere (presumptuous much?) - surely it depends on the text? It could be extremely heartfelt, some people might find it extremely difficult to find words to say on the phone or in person. That isn't easy for anyone, never mind those who are shy about it.
    Obviously there's a preferable way to text - "sry bout ur ma" isn't great (although the sentiment behind it might be genuine - not everyone has the vocabulary) but what's the difference between a sensitively worded text and an email or letter or card? A bit of a crappy attitude to be insulted by it IMO.
    I don't see anything wrong with it on Facebook or Twitter in public either - who the hell are people to say when they know it's sincere or not, or to police how people grieve/sympathise at all?!
    Depends on the individual - varies from person to person. Your own take isn't necessarily what "should be" that of others...

    We're humans, not robots - and a death brings out our most human emotions and characteristics. I think it's a bit much for there to be a "check-list" one follows in terms of how they express sympathy... Whatever feels right/appropriate. In my experience, any thought at all, no matter how it's expressed, is appreciated.


  • #39
    hooradiation
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,922 ✭✭✭hooradiation


    biko wrote: »
    Cop on, just because people think differently than you doesn't mean they're wrong. And suggesting punching someone in the throat is walking a fine line here.

    It's just a turn of phrase, unclench a little. It'll do you good.


  • #40
    whydoibother?
    Closed Accounts Posts: 758 ✭✭✭whydoibother?


    Dudess wrote: »
    I really cannot understand why people would be insulted/would automatically view it as insincere (presumptuous much?) - surely it depends on the text? It could be extremely heartfelt, some people might find it extremely difficult to find words to say on the phone or in person. That isn't easy for anyone, never mind those who are shy about it.
    Obviously there's a preferable way to text - "sry bout ur ma" isn't great (although the sentiment behind it might be genuine - not everyone has the vocabulary) but what's the difference between a sensitively worded text and an email or letter or card? A bit of a crappy attitude to assume you'd be "insulted" IMO.
    I don't see anything wrong with it on Facebook or Twitter in public either - who the hell are people to say when they know it's sincere or not, or to police how people grieve/sympathise at all?!
    Depends on the individual - varies from person to person. Your own take isn't necessarily what "should be" that of others...

    Considering the risk that your behaviour will be misinterpreted as insincere, however genuine, is not the same as assuming that it will. I think it's evident from the number of people in the thread who don't like certain options that there is a realistic possibility, based on nothing other than the law of averages, that the person receiving it might not like it either. Knowing that, it might be better to go with a safer option.


  • #41
    Thoie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,344 ✭✭✭Thoie


    I'd start with a text as people can be flooded with calls/visitors/things to do at the time.

    I'd probably go with something like "Sorry to hear about xxx, didn't like to call in case it was a bad time, but I'm here if you need anything." I'd follow up with an offer to call/drop over, and a more personal message for the bereaved.


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  • #42
    MagicSean
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,897 ✭✭✭MagicSean


    stupidusername wrote: »
    My first reaction was - it's as crude as on FB, but you're right to consider the phone call a possible inconvenience to them, so maybe a text would be best.

    Not as bad as liking a FB status about a death. Something unsettling about that.


  • #43
    Earthhorse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,717 ✭✭✭✭Earthhorse


    Dudess wrote: »
    Depends on the individual - varies from person to person. Your own take isn't necessarily what "should be" that of others...

    We're humans, not robots - and a death brings out our most human emotions and characteristics. I think it's a bit much for there to be a "check-list" one follows in terms of how they express sympathy... Whatever feels right/appropriate. In my experience, any thought at all, no matter how it's expressed, is appreciated.

    You're kind of contradicting yourself in your last two paragraphs. You're saying everyone has a different take on it and then not taking into account what their take might be.


  • #44
    jimmymal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 228 ✭✭jimmymal


    Thoie wrote: »
    I'd start with a text as people can be flooded with calls/visitors/things to do at the time.

    I'd probably go with something like "Sorry to hear about xxx, didn't like to call in case it was a bad time, but I'm here if you need anything." I'd follow up with an offer to call/drop over, and a more personal message for the bereaved.

    Sounds about right especially if you're going to showing up at the funeral


  • #45
    Azureus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,130 ✭✭✭Azureus


    It depends on your relationship with the person imo.
    If it was a neighbour/someone Id known a long time/someone a bit older I would always drop a condolences card in the door and knock into them/phone them if I wasnt around to call in.
    If it was a friend of mine who was bereaved, I would probably send a heartfelt text along the lines of 'Im sure your up to your eyes with everything at the moment..thinking of you...etc'' and an offer to call up during the week. If I didnt text I would leave a voicemail-08X+5 to get straight through instead of hounding them by phonecalls at a stressful time.

    If it was a really close friend I would definately phone and call over in person in case they needed anything.

    I would never facebook/tweet condolences-Im all for modern communications and see no problem in phone calls or even texts to their personal phones, but social networking sites are kinda like public texting...not appropriate.


  • #46
    Mint Sauce
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,293 ✭✭✭✭Mint Sauce


    The day I recieve a condolance via txt or FB, or any other social media, not only would I be insulted, I would also possibly defriend you. Write or call, or dont bother at all.


  • #47
    Dudess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 37,214 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    irish-stew wrote: »
    The day I recieve a condolance via txt or FB, or any other social media, not only would I be insulted, I would also possibly defriend you. Write or call, or dont bother at all.
    Why? God, the person might mean really well.
    That attitude is obnoxious.


  • #48
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 44,079 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    Whats wrong with going to the removal and shaking the persons hand and face to face give your condolences?

    If I was questioning should i ring or text, they clearly aren't a good mate so they would not care or expect a text from me. If it was a good mate,, I would ring or call around.


  • #49
    4zn76tysfajdxp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,944 ✭✭✭✭4zn76tysfajdxp


    Micky Dolenz wrote: »
    Whats wrong with going to the removal and shaking the persons hand and face to face give your condolences?

    They mightn't be able to attend. Work commitments, could be out of the country etc.


  • #50
    ballsymchugh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,940 ✭✭✭ballsymchugh


    biko wrote: »
    I'd say it's better to wait until you meet the person next time and then convey your condolences rather than texting, which I would personally find a bit insulting.
    Even if it's months later it's better to do these things in person. Imo.

    this +1,000,000


  • #51
    PhoenixParker
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,677 ✭✭✭PhoenixParker


    It depends on two things, your relationship with the person and on the persons relationship with the deceased.

    If either are distant, then a text message with an offer of assistance is required is appropriate.

    If either are close, then a text message at the moment, followed up by an actual phone call at a later date is appropriate. If you do not follow it up with a personal communication like a visit or a phone call, then it's not genuine, you are merely chickening out.

    If both are close then a phone call first, followed by a text message if the phone call goes unanswered. (it probably will) Follow this up as appropriate to your relationship over the next few days.

    The time you will most be needed (if the death was close) is in a few weeks/months. Everybody shows up at the start, it's after a time period has passed when people often need support.

    Do not dismiss facebook. It's good for situations like this. NOT ON THEIR WALL, but a private message, thoughtfully written is appropriate and you can express yourself more clearly then in a text message. It's the modern equivalent of an email or a short note.

    Contrary to what others have said, it won't be viewed as insulting. What is insulting and often awkward is people avoiding the situation by not communicating at all. Choose the best method available to you, but make sure you do communicate.


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  • #52
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,418 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    I don't think there is anything wrong with sending a txt, it's the thought that counts.
    If it was a close friend I would expect to see them at the funeral anyway.
    Basically a txt followed by phone call or attendance at the funeral is fine.


  • #53
    Eric Cartman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,280 ✭✭✭✭Eric Cartman


    id preffer it , I hate talking on the phone and hate dealing with emotional people even more, text has no tone or feelings and gets the point accross to me.


  • #54
    Mc Kenzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Mc Kenzie


    yea i think its alot more personal to shake theri hand or give a hug (depending your relationship)..i admit sending a text before ,,as i couldnt belive it and i was the quickest way for me to get in touch with them...but i seen her at the funeral aslo and gave my condolences


  • #55
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 44,079 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    Astrid Grumpy Hash wrote: »
    They mightn't be able to attend. Work commitments, could be out of the country etc.


    Not exactly a good mate then. I suspect they couldn't care less if they got a text from you or not. But if people need to ease their own conscious then I suppose it is acceptable.

    A nice card would be my approach or a call to their voice mail with a "Sorry to hear about your loss, if there is anything I can do, please call me. I'll ring you in a few days" etc.


  • #56
    tricky D
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,700 ✭✭✭tricky D


    It depends on a few circumstances and the relationship. Normally I would never text condolences as it does seem impersonal imho. However last year a friends wife died, not expectedly, and we had seen him heading off to the hospital with the daughter driving which was unusual. When we got confirmation an hour later, shortly after, I just sent a very brief text just expressing my sorrow - 3/4 words only. This was apt, certainly more apt than a phone at that time, and much appreciated at the time and we both still have not deleted the text. Later though, I'd be most comfortable with face to face. That's just me and there's no black or white, right or wrong in general as circumstances and relationships vary.


  • #57
    Mint Sauce
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,293 ✭✭✭✭Mint Sauce


    Dudess wrote: »
    Why? God, the person might mean really well.
    That attitude is obnoxious.

    Why, something like 'sorry to hear about your gran/aunt/cousin' in a txt shows no thought or sinceraty, and its just lazy.

    At least offer to come out and see me, or ring, or say you'll be in contact in some way.


  • #58
    ballsymchugh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,940 ✭✭✭ballsymchugh


    Micky Dolenz wrote: »
    Not exactly a good mate then. I suspect they couldn't care less if they got a text from you or not. But if people need to ease their own conscious then I suppose it is acceptable.

    that's a retarded thing to say. so friendship all depends on being able to attend a funeral?? even if they've emigrated to the other side of the world??


  • #59
    dark_shadow
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 389 ✭✭dark_shadow


    I wouldn't text someone myself but if I REALLY had to I would definitely explain in a text why I couldn't ring/meet them etc.

    Some thought is better than no thought at all:)


  • #60
    4zn76tysfajdxp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,944 ✭✭✭✭4zn76tysfajdxp


    Micky Dolenz wrote: »
    Not exactly a good mate then. I suspect they couldn't care less if they got a text from you or not. But if people need to ease their own conscious then I suppose it is acceptable.

    A nice card would be my approach or a call to their voice mail with a "Sorry to hear about your loss, if there is anything I can do, please call me. I'll ring you in a few days" etc.

    In fairness, these day even bessie mates have been seperated from each other because of emigration. It's not possible for an increasing amount of people to console their closest friends personally anymore.


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  • #61
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 44,079 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    ballsymchugh wrote: »
    that's a retarded thing to say. so friendship all depends on being able to attend a funeral?? even if they've emigrated to the other side of the world??

    Retarded? Read the title of the thread, with that in mind, read the words of posts in context. I can use pictures if it'll help you.

    Of course sometimes you can't make a funeral, but this wouldn't stop a person ringing a mate if they lost someone. Under no circumstances would I text a friend who lost a loved one. If I was to consider texting someone they clearly would not be a mate and wouldn't expect a text from me.


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