What do you think of sending condolences via text?

Micky Dolenz

Dudess wrote: »

It's just a form of communication, thas all...

How would you feel if a lover dumped you by text or an employer sacked you by text?

Fluorescence

When someone close to me died last year I got condolences by text, by facebook (PMs as opposed to publicly on my wall), by letters and by mass card. People who know me know I absolutely detest phone calls at the best of times let alone when I'm grieving. To impose yourself on someone in mourning by phoning them is less tactful than a nicely worded text.

If you're insulted by a text you're being a bit smug, tbh.

hondasam

What is the difference between sending a txt at the time or a mass card a few days later?
If you cannot communicate in person does it matter how you let someone know you are thinking about them.

toexpress

fluorescence wrote: »

If you're insulted by a text you're being a bit smug, tbh.

When my partner died, if someone had sent me a text I would have deleted it along with their number. That's not smugness but if that was the value they put on his life then we would be at no loss for them. If I didn't want to take a phone call there was always some member of my family or his there to deal with it for me and even if there hadn't been I have voicemail.

chin_grin

"I'm sorry for your loss. Move on."

toexpress

chin_grin wrote: »

"I'm sorry for your loss. Move on."

Charming there it has to be said. Full of feeling

woodoo

Not on at all. I think its lazy and emotionally cheap.

later12

Absolutely nothing wrong with it. I'm sure we've all had reasonably close relatives die, and the last thing you need is an endless string of phonecalls when a text would have sufficed.

Just express your sympathy and tell them you will see them on a certain day (removal or funeral or burial if possible, so they know you're not being passive about it)

A certain functional duty tends to kick in during the aftermath of a death. I remember when my Grandma died my Dad's first concern was whether there would be room in the grave for another burial, which sounds terribly morbid but it's just the way many people instantly react. You're usually just 'reacting' very functionally in the immediate aftermath, your friend may well have no time to analyze your behaviour toward her.

Be there for him or her in the days and weeks after the funeral, because that's when the death of a loved one really begins to sink; when the crowd leaves is when your support is most important.

twirlagig

I lost a close family member 2 years ago - My phone was ringing non-stop at the time. I just didn't feel like answering, I didn't feel like reading the texts that followed either, but after a few days I was glad to read them. Just depends on the circumstances I guess. I didn't think bad of the people that texted me.

Fighting Irish

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

Its not fine, if you cant be arsed ringing then just dont. It is terrible thing to do by text just says you dont really care.

Sorta depends on the person, i'd prefer a text over any other sort of communication in a case like this

chin_grin

toexpress wrote: »

Charming there it has to be said. Full of feeling

Protip: Watch the IT Crowd.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXcueVDW2Mo

Fighting Irish

People who want phone calls etc, why? At a time like that, do you need to talk to people?

For me, someone has died, theres nothing anyone can say or do to change that

toexpress

Never ever say "I know how you feel" I heard that a lot. Eventually, and this is to my eternal shame and I never really show much emotion in public but this was a pretty bad time for but I floored someone with a thump (a psychiatrist my partner had worked with) at the house after the burial because he said that to me. I then told him to leave my house and never come back. I had heard it quite a bit over the previous few days and I was annoyed with it because he meant something different to each of us as individuals so no-one knows how I felt nor I how they felt.

toexpress

Fighting Irish wrote: »

People who want phone calls etc, why? At a time like that, do you need to talk to people?

For me, someone has died, theres nothing anyone can say or do to change that

It's not about wanting to talk to someone. It's about knowing that person that you loved was valued by those closest to you. If they feel the need to talk to you before the service then have to be pretty close and so they should value the person enough to make a 2 minute phonecall and give them that much respect.

Of course all of this could be a very subjective thing and might just depend on your own views and preferred means of communication.

Also, in hindsight, it might be a bit difficult for people to offer sympathies. Like what do you say? It's not always easy to know. I know I was very hard to talk to for a time after and I suppose it's just a bit of a grey area really.

Richard Hillman

Text is best. Having recently lost a close family member I actually found out through facebook from my moron cousin updating her status 5 minutes after the death and my thoughtless auntie posting a condolence on my wall. I went to the cinema and turned my phone on flight mode just before. Any condolences from my mates came from texts and facebook pm's, which i prefered although any condolance is uncomfortable. I'd probably prefered none.

In hindsight to the whole thing is I prefered to find out about the death the way I did rather than person to person, I was pissed off at how thoughtless they were though.

mal1

A text is good for me. Talking on the phone is the last thing i would want. Reading a text in your own time is better in my opinion.

If you're very close to them, then yes, a phone call would probably be prudent.

Can't believe I'm reading stuff about people hitting people and deleting phone numbers. I wouldn't want to be associated with the likes.

Fluorescence

toexpress wrote: »

When my partner died, if someone had sent me a text I would have deleted it along with their number. That's not smugness but if that was the value they put on his life then we would be at no loss for them. If I didn't want to take a phone call there was always some member of my family or his there to deal with it for me and even if there hadn't been I have voicemail.

How is a sending a text rather than giving a phone call at an inconvenient time making his life "cheap"? They're giving you space to contact them when you need to, not insulting his memory by "only" sending a text message

I'm genuinely asking here, because I find this notion so utterly foreign and mind-boggling to me.

toexpress

fluorescence wrote: »

How is a sending a text rather than giving a phone call at an inconvenient time making his life "cheap"? They're giving you space to contact them when you need to, not insulting his memory by "only" sending a text message

I'm genuinely asking here, because I find this notion so utterly foreign and mind-boggling to me.

Well as I said, I think on reflection it's subjective. I don't really like text as a form of communication (mainly because I have to find my glasses I can't read the tiny writing ... am 31 in a few weeks so frightfully old now) but I was never that into texting. But that's really where my objection comes from. So as I say I think that what it boils down to is how that person prefers to communicate rather than what you would prefer. If you normally text them then that's probably fine.

In my case it was cheap because my views on texts are well known among those I am close to.

A Dub in Glasgo

toexpress wrote: »

Never ever say "I know how you feel" I heard that a lot. Eventually, and this is to my eternal shame and I never really show much emotion in public but this was a pretty bad time for but I floored someone with a thump (a psychiatrist my partner had worked with) at the house after the burial because he said that to me. I then told him to leave my house and never come back. I had heard it quite a bit over the previous few days and I was annoyed with it because he meant something different to each of us as individuals so no-one knows how I felt nor I how they felt.

I know how you feel about that

Fluorescence

toexpress wrote: »

Well as I said, I think on reflection it's subjective. I don't really like text as a form of communication (mainly because I have to find my glasses I can't read the tiny writing ... am 31 in a few weeks so frightfully old now) but I was never that into texting. But that's really where my objection comes from. So as I say I think that what it boils down to is how that person prefers to communicate rather than what you would prefer. If you normally text them then that's probably fine.

In my case it was cheap because my views on texts are well known among those I am close to.

Fair enough. I would have been annoyed if someone had called me, as I have similar well-known views about telephone calls :P

toexpress

A Dub in Glasgo wrote: »

I know how you feel about that

It's amazing what some people find funny isn't it I would say that you have no class but then this would be untrue ... it's just pretty clear what that class is

Truley

toexpress wrote: »

Never ever say "I know how you feel" I heard that a lot. Eventually, and this is to my eternal shame and I never really show much emotion in public but this was a pretty bad time for but I floored someone with a thump (a psychiatrist my partner had worked with) at the house after the burial because he said that to me. I then told him to leave my house and never come back. I had heard it quite a bit over the previous few days and I was annoyed with it because he meant something different to each of us as individuals so no-one knows how I felt nor I how they felt.

Wow - seriously? There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying 'I know how you feel' in a bereavement situation. Every single person in the world, right now, in the past and in the future is going to deal with a loved one's death at some stage in their lives. Not just you. So yeah, what's wrong with telling something you empathise with how they are feeling? You know the comment wasn't said out of maliciousness. People shouldn't be made to feel they are threading on eggshells to placate you.

humanji

If someone sends you a condolence text and you delete it and their number because you assume they're being insincere, then they can't really have been friends. Some people might not want to bother you but still let you know that they're there for you.

Stephen Fry explained it perfectly when he pointed out that a phone ringing is essentially screaming "TALK TO ME!!! TALK TO ME!!! TALK TO ME!!! TALK TO ME!!! TALK TO ME!!!" It's a hell of a lot more rude and intrusive than a simple text.

When my mum died I got texts from quite a few friends and I was thankful, because the last thing I needed was 100 phone calls from people not knowing what to say and me not knowing how to answer them.

If someone offers their condolence and you don't accept it, then I'd be of the opinion that you're the problem, not them. Just accept that someone is thinking of you.

stupidusername

thread needs a poll.

Dudess

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Dudess wrote: »

It's just a form of communication, thas all...

How would you feel if a lover dumped you by text or an employer sacked you by text?

Not comparing like with like - one is well intentioned (how the fuk can people prove it's insincere? :rolleyes:) and among many many other messages.

Fair play to people who contact bereaved people in any way - better than not contacting them.

A Dub in Glasgo

toexpress wrote: »

It's amazing what some people find funny isn't it I would say that you have no class but then this would be untrue ... it's just pretty clear what that class is

Lighten up, it is AH not PI

Kevin Duffy

toexpress wrote: »

Never ever say "I know how you feel" I heard that a lot. Eventually, and this is to my eternal shame and I never really show much emotion in public but this was a pretty bad time for but I floored someone with a thump (a psychiatrist my partner had worked with) at the house after the burial because he said that to me. I then told him to leave my house and never come back. I had heard it quite a bit over the previous few days and I was annoyed with it because he meant something different to each of us as individuals so no-one knows how I felt nor I how they felt.

This is not the forum for it really, but I'm very sorry for your loss. It might be easier on you and the people around you if you could remember that all the silly, unhelpful, badly timed, inappropriate things they say are genuine attempts to help and support you.
I've lost some people close to me and I know how difficult it can be for anyone to find anything meaningful to say. Personally, I appreciated every word they made an effort to find.

hondasam

Truley wrote: »

Wow - seriously? There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying 'I know how you feel' in a bereavement situation. Every single person in the world, right now, in the past and in the future is going to deal with a loved one's death at some stage in their lives. Not just you. So yeah, what's wrong with telling something you empathise with how they are feeling? You know the comment wasn't said out of maliciousness. People shouldn't be made to feel they are threading on eggshells to placate you.

we can all feel sorry but we cannot understand someone's grief or pain unless we have suffered the same loss.
Me comparing my mothers death to some one losing their child is not the same.
Grief is something personal until it happens you have no idea how you will cope or react.

Dudess

humanji wrote: »

Some people might not want to bother you but still let you know that they're there for you.

Stephen Fry explained it perfectly when he pointed out that a phone ringing is essentially screaming "TALK TO ME!!! TALK TO ME!!! TALK TO ME!!! TALK TO ME!!! TALK TO ME!!!" It's a hell of a lot more rude and intrusive than a simple text.

When my mum died I got texts from quite a few friends and I was thankful, because the last thing I needed was 100 phone calls from people not knowing what to say and me not knowing how to answer them.

If someone offers their condolence and you don't accept it, then I'd be of the opinion that you're the problem, not them. Just accept that someone is thinking of you.

Well said. Some really ungracious attitudes on this thread.

To be fair though, "I know how you feel" is crossing the line IMO (although sometimes people blurt out the wrong thing - it's hard for sympathisers too, nervous as hell, walking on eggshells) - unless you went through something similar, you don't.
Doesn't deserve an attack in retaliation though.

misschoo

When my Father passed away I had to turn off my mobile as I was getting so many calls through - not that I didn't want to answer but I was also having to answer the house phone as my Mum just wasn't able. As I was trying to cope and deal with my own loss I was also trying to "help" phone callers expressing to me their loss of my Dad which after a while I just couldn't do anymore as it was exhausting. I got loads of text messages which I did find comforting as I could read them in my own time & to be honest i would never judge anyone as to how they condole with you as you don't know what sort of loss that maybe they are reliving too. Each to their own.............