The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

The Master. · 09-01-2012 03:45AM

the dunne wrote: »

The Master. wrote: »

Is that your ma's pubes?

yes. yes it is :rolleyes:

you seem nice

I get that a lot.

dave3004 · 09-01-2012 03:49AM

I never know when my girlfriend's going to come.
I asked her to start telling me.
She said she doesn't like ringing me when I'm in work

Lapin · 09-01-2012 03:51AM

policarp wrote: »

Where is the rubber?

Erased.

SteelyDanJalapeno · 09-01-2012 04:02AM

The Master. wrote: »

Paddy and mick hanged over and bridge and "pull me up there is a train coming" they had been trying to grab fish but it wasnt that kind of bridge!

I dont get it, did you make this up?

train bridges can go over water too?

SteelyDanJalapeno · 09-01-2012 04:05AM

fish dont like trains?

The Master. · 09-01-2012 04:06AM

TiltedBrain wrote: »

The Master. wrote: »

Paddy and mick hanged over and bridge and "pull me up there is a train coming" they had been trying to grab fish but it wasnt that kind of bridge!

I dont get it, did you make this up?

train bridges can go over water too?

The two boys were on a road bridge and the train was under them. But no water.

SteelyDanJalapeno · 09-01-2012 04:11AM

i see..................

Reamer Fanny · 09-01-2012 04:20AM

Why did the skeleton not go to the disco?

Because he had no body to go with

Baa hahahahahaha

nyan warrior · 09-01-2012 04:25AM

Theres nothin in Wexford only knackers and strawberries and you dont look like no strawberry

hefferboi · 09-01-2012 04:38AM

A bear woke up from his annual hibernation to find that his stomach is growling.
"I sure am hungry." the sleepy bear said.
So he found some berries, but spit them out.
"These berries are far too bitter." the playful bear said.
He then found some honey, however was soon bombarded with a swarm of bees.
"That honey is good, but not that good." the jolly bear said.
He then stumbled upon a cabin.
"I wonder if there is any food in here..." the curteous bear wondered.
The events that followed are now reffered to by the locals as the May 20th Massacre. While no witnesses survived, the police reports depict that the Martinez family, a young family of 7 enjoying their memorial day weekend in their New Hampshire cabin, was brutally slain by a blood-thirsty animal who tracked each of them throughout the house in a period of approximately 45 minutes.

stoneill · 09-01-2012 04:41AM

Inner city Dublin wan heavily pregnant phones home.
Ma, Ma, me waters broke.

Where are you ringing from?

From me ankles to me gee.

09-01-2012 08:51AM

TiltedBrain wrote: »

fish dont like trains?

Yes they do! :pac:

09-01-2012 09:03AM

TiltedBrain wrote: »

i see..................

three kerry men were on a day out in dublin city. they were walking along the river liffy when they seen three young boys fishing off of a bridge... they noticed the amount of fish the youngsters had and carried on about their buisness.... a few weeks later the kerry men were in co. kerry and were reminicing about their day out when one said about the lads fishing ... jesus id love one of them now another replyed and the third said oh theres a bridge up the road we could do a bit of fishing up there ... so the men set off to catch themselves a feed ... when they reached the bridge it was too high to fish off so two of the men held the third mans legs and hung him upside down off the bridge ... a half an hour passed and the men asked the third man was there any fish .. no replied the third man ... after a hour the third man started shouting "pull me up . pull me up !" the lads holding his legs responded "have you a fish ?" the third man replied "no .. a trains coming !"

I think that is the full version. Apologies for all the spelling mistakes, but it's a copy and paste job. Personally, I think it only makes a little bit more sense but ultimately it's still a terrible, terrible joke.

eamonnq · 09-01-2012 12:30PM

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound note that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.....

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.....

You're going to hate me for this.........

ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO

.

splashthecash · 09-01-2012 12:33PM

eamonnq wrote: »

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound note that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.....

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.....

You're going to hate me for this.........

ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO

.

dear god..

thegen · 09-01-2012 12:36PM

Q: Whats the difference between a Giraffe and a JCB????

A: A JCB has hydraulics!!!!!

Reloc8 · 09-01-2012 01:00PM

casio4 wrote: »

did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

he worked it out with a pencil

It came out in logs.

Hootanany · 09-01-2012 06:37PM

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

YouTookMyName · 09-01-2012 06:45PM

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Daniel S · 09-01-2012 07:08PM

YouTookMyName wrote: »

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Meh, heard that one before.

Two fúcking pages ago.

YouTookMyName · 09-01-2012 07:31PM

Daniel S wrote: »

Meh, heard that one before.

Two fúcking pages ago.

Posted before reading.

admiralofthefleet · 09-01-2012 11:05PM

My Mum just popped round and ate all my cheese.

At least I don't have to wash my cock for another week.

born2bwild · 10-01-2012 12:14AM

Why did the chicken cross the road to the men's toilets?

Cause that's where all the cocks hang out.

puzzle factory · 10-01-2012 12:43AM

I went to the doctor the other day and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite.

Reamer Fanny · 10-01-2012 04:24AM

How do Mosquitos get around?

By itching a ride

giles lynchwood · 10-01-2012 08:43AM

Tony goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says "hello".
He´s rather taken aback as he can't place where he know's her from.
So he say's"do you know me".
To which she replies" i think your the father of one of my kid's,your Tony right".
Now his mind travel's back to the only time he has ever been lucky and says,
"Are you the stripper from the bachelor party i made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery".
She look's in his eye's and calmly says,"No i'm your son's teacher"

efb · 10-01-2012 08:55AM

Is this just sickipedia cut and pasted at this stage?

eyesquirm · 10-01-2012 09:08AM

Seems like it. All the spelling mistakes match, too.

Cut and pasted:

Both my next door neighbours have been arrested as part of the European-wide raids against online paedophiles.
God knows where I'm going to get my free wi-fi now.

--Kaiser-- · 10-01-2012 01:57PM

thegen wrote: »

Q: Whats the difference between a Giraffe and a JCB????

A: A JCB has hydraulics!!!!!

....and now for the punchline

And a Giraffe has high-bollix!

Duffman K · 10-01-2012 07:24PM

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have alzheimers,
Caramel.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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