The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

bijapos · 16-09-2011 11:44AM

omg a kitty wrote: »

Read this on Funny Jokes app

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned in the room asking me if i peeked through the blindfold. I assured her I hadn't. At this point she removed the blindfold and twelve dinner guest were sitting around the table. Wishing me a happy birthday as I fainted.

Reminds me of this :pac:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8Ts3CLcrlE

punk77 · 16-09-2011 01:12PM

The three Paddy's were marooned on a deserted island and after 6 months were on the edge of despair and getting on each others nerves when they found a fancy bottle washed up on the beach. When the bottle was opened, a Genie was released and ,in a deep booming voice, granted the three lads three wishes,one each.

Hardly believing this stroke of good fortune,Paddy English,pushed past the other two and said "I wish I was back in dear old Blighty tucking into a plate of roast beef and Yorkshire pud".With that,Paddy English disappeared.

Paddy Scots stepped forward excitedly and said "I wish I was back in bonny Scotland wearin' ma kilt and rollin' in the heather". Paddy Scots promptly disappeared.

Paddy Irish looked around him and thought for a moment before saying "Jaysus, this place is lonely without the lads. I wish they were back".

bonzodog2 · 17-09-2011 04:35PM

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
- Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
- Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
- Love, Vinnie

mapaco · 17-09-2011 05:02PM

why was the fly running across the corn flakes box?

cos it said 'tear along the dotted line'

dan1895 · 17-09-2011 10:32PM

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. He finishes it off and asks for the bill. As the waiter returns with the bill the panda pulls out a gun and kills everyone in the restaurant before calmly getting up and walking out the door.

Later, the police who are investigating the incident are watching the CCTV footage of what happened when the detective in charge makes the observation that "its typical panda behaviour"

"What do you mean?" asks one of the officers

The detective says; "He's a panda. He eats shoots and leaves"

Sanity_Saviour · 17-09-2011 11:11PM

"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?"

"Dave... Would you please call our children by their names."

Canard · 17-09-2011 11:21PM

Sanity_Saviour wasnt such a bad guy.

All he did was not read a few posts up. :P

Will I Amnt · 17-09-2011 11:24PM

Sanity_Saviour wrote: »

Hitler wasn't that much of a bad guy.

After all, he did kill Hitler.

If you liked that one you will just love patchys joke ^^^^^^

Sanity_Saviour · 17-09-2011 11:25PM

Patchy~ wrote: »

Sanity_Saviour wasnt such a bad guy.

All he did was not read a few posts up. :P

fixed....

foiled again by poor reading...

17-09-2011 11:36PM

Cavan man in Garda station: "My house has been burgled."

Guard: "Tell me what happened."

Cavan man: "I drove in my gate, and I could see the front door was smashed in. There was a coat stand and a dresser in the front hall, and they were gone. There was a telly, a stereo and a DVD player in the sitting room, and they were gone."

Guard: "That's terrible. Was anything else taken?"

Cavan man: "No, but do you know what? There was a pot of stew on the stove, and one of the robbers took a ****e in it."

Guard: "Yeucch, that's disgusting!"

Cavan man: "I know. I had to throw half of it out."

Canard · 17-09-2011 11:56PM

Rolled a joint with a page from the Qu'ran yesterday, wow did I get stoned!

TanG411 · 18-09-2011 12:00AM

I saw the Grim Reaper holding a vacuum cleaner today.

It was Dyson with death!

dexter647 · 18-09-2011 03:51PM

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope,
you're still black':D

19-09-2011 12:09AM

What do you call an obese arab?....

Yafat Fuqa

Rocky_Dennis · 19-09-2011 12:54AM

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

19-09-2011 02:31AM

Why did the two gays go into a phone box!

to give each other a ring

At which point my (then) five year old nephey pipes up

"but there's only one Phone"

(the reaction's better than the joke)

h3000 · 19-09-2011 04:17PM

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
"No thanks," he says. "I'm traveling light."

--Kaiser-- · 19-09-2011 04:21PM

Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"

The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"

The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"

************************************

A proton, neutron, and electron went out to dinner one night. After a luxurious meal, the waiter brought the check to the proton and the electron. The neutron was perplexed as to why the waiter didn't bring him his check. So, he summoned the waiter to the table and asked him about it.

The waiter explained to the neutron, "For you, there's no charge!

smash · 19-09-2011 04:28PM

2 tampons passed each other but didn't say hello because they were both stuck up cnuts!

Lenmeister · 20-09-2011 01:26AM

Mate told me this a few days ago.

He was in the pub with a bunch of friends a while back. 1 of the lads leans over and asks another lad for a loan of his phone. So he takes the phone and dials a number.

"Hello, that 11850? Yeah giz the number for 11811"

They were in stitches apparently, I would have been too. Those few seconds probably cost €1 aswell!

billybudd · 20-09-2011 02:07AM

i once had a jacket that had 9 buttons, but i could only facinate.

joxer in school asked to make a sentence from facinate.

Jumpy · 20-09-2011 02:23AM

billybudd wrote: »

i once had a jacket that had 9 buttons, but i could only facinate.

joxer in school asked to make a sentence from facinate.

http://www.rowsdowr.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Bert_snaps.gif

dexter647 · 20-09-2011 06:41PM

Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife.. " Why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?"... Wife says " cause even your cock thinks your a cnut":D:D

punk77 · 21-09-2011 02:03PM

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”

getz · 21-09-2011 02:12PM

just got my self a dog,he is brown and black with a couple of white spots,so i called him birmingham

Cypher_sounds · 21-09-2011 02:14PM

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.

Pandora2 · 21-09-2011 07:49PM

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies,
"Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM,

Why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."

Pandora2 · 21-09-2011 07:58PM

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these20 years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts .'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee..'

Pandora2 · 21-09-2011 08:11PM

Jimmy died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Johno and Pado. The three men had always done everything together.

Johno arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Johno said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The undertaker rolled him over and Johno said, 'Nope, ain't Jimmy '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Pado in to confirm the identity of the body.
Pado looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..'

The undertaker rolled him over and Pado said, 'No, it ain't Jimmy '
The undertaker asked, 'How can you tell?' Pado said, 'Well, Jimmy had two arseholes.'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the undertaker,
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Jimmy with them two arseholes.'

Pandora2 · 21-09-2011 11:48PM

‎2 friends marry at the same time. The 1st man tells his wife she's to cook & clean. Next day he sees his house is clean and his dinner's on the table.

The 2nd man marries an Irish girl & he orders her to do the same. The 1st day he doesn't see anything, the 2nd day he doesn't see anything either but by the 3rd day, some of the swelling has gone down and he can see just enough out of his left eye that he can fix himself a sandwich & load the dishwasher!

:D:D

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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