The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

R P McMurphy · 10-09-2011 08:00AM

My wife came down this morning and said "Hey sexy, I found these sexy new crotchless undies in your wardrobe, I'm wearing them for you now. Wanna fool around?"

I said "No I bloody don't and take my new vest off you fat cow"

R P McMurphy · 10-09-2011 08:04AM

a man went to the doctors and said ,"wherever i touch myself on my body im in agony!"

"show me" said the doctor

he touches his head and screams,touches his arm and screams louder,touches his leg and crys in agony!!!

"stop,stop" says the doctor "let me examine you"

after 5 minutes the doctor says,"i think i know whats wrong!!"

"what is it?"

"you've broke your finger"

R P McMurphy · 10-09-2011 08:09AM

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers...

Ken. · 10-09-2011 08:44AM

R P McMurphy wrote: »

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers...

Cheers for the new sig R P:D

Will I Amnt · 10-09-2011 08:54AM

barone wrote: »

next one to quote the whole desert joke should get a ban....

I concur.
It doesn't even work unless you're pronouncing lever the American way and that just sounds so wrong.

Scealta_saol · 10-09-2011 05:56PM

Elderly gentlemanhad serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he sa id. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember …
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so a s not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a c hurch mouse..'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty ..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool … After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Happyhunter · 10-09-2011 08:26PM

Just given my Nan a cream-pie.

And this proves that porn has damaged your mind forever.

bonzodog2 · 10-09-2011 09:03PM

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said.
"Very good," the teacher replied.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'."

"That was a fine story, Sarah," said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."

gernon · 10-09-2011 09:35PM

Two newlyweds arrived at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations," asked the desk clerk.
"Only one, " replied the groom,
"she won't take it up the arse."

gernon · 10-09-2011 09:46PM

A teacher asks her class, "If there
are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of
them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they
all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I
like your thinking,"

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU.
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice
cream: One is delicately licking the
sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is
gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third
is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is
the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

Sanity_Saviour · 10-09-2011 10:10PM

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

kellsbells73 · 10-09-2011 10:14PM

How d'ya drown a blonde?

write scratch-n-sniff at the end of a swimming pool

Capt'n Midnight · 10-09-2011 10:53PM

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out cork once a buzzer rang. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
The third scientist 300 meters was up to his ankles in shít, the second 200 meters away was up to his knees and the first just 100 meters was totally covered but was in fits of laughter.

"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked the others.
And yer man goes "You should have seen the look on the monkey's face"

tayto lover · 10-09-2011 11:13PM

A Nigerian walked into the doctor's surgery with a frog on his head.
"What seems to be the problem" ? says the doctor.
The frog says " I have this annoying blackhead on my arse".

bnt · 11-09-2011 12:53AM

One courtesy of Spike Milligan:

There was a young man named Wyatt,
Whose voice was unusually quiet;
And then, one day,
It just faded away,
. . .

4leto · 11-09-2011 01:01AM

2 newly weds consult a doctor about the wife not reaching a climax.
He tells them due to a rare condition the wifes needs to be cooled during sex, all he has to do is buy a fan.

But he is to mean, so he gets his mate to shake a towel over them while they are having sex.
But still nothing,

So he said to his mate lets swap positions and I will shake the towel.

Then his wife moans and yelps and has multiple orgasms

Then he said

See that is how you shake a towel.

bnt · 11-09-2011 01:14AM

RomanGod wrote: »

How does a Jew make his beer?
Hebrews it

Some putzes in San Francisco have seen this joke, and founded the Shmaltz Brewing Company: makers of He'Brew, The Chosen Beer. Oy..! :cool:

---

Another beer joke? A man walks in to a pub by himself, and orders three pints of beer. Then he takes them to a table and drinks all three, taking a sip from each. The other customers and the barman think he's weird, and don't say anything. The next day he's back, and orders three pints again:

Barman: "Are you sure that's a good idea? If you order beers one at a time, they'll be colder and fresher."
Customer: "it's like this: I have a brother in California, and another in Australia, and I miss them a little. So, if I order three beers like this, it feels like they're here, kind-of."

The barman said "OK", poured the beers, and this went on for a few months, on and off, and he becomes a regular. Then, one day, he comes in and orders two beers instead of three. The room goes quiet, but the barman doesn't know what to say, so he just pours the beers and takes the customer's cash. A little later he goes over to talk to the customer.

Barman: "Is everything OK? Is there anything we can do? I mean, this must be a difficult time for you ..."
Customer: "Eh?"
Barman: "Well, you've only bought two beers, instead of your usual three, so we're wondering: has something happened to one of your brothers? "
Customer: "Oh, I see what you mean! No, nothing like that, they're both grand. It's me, you see: I've stopped drinking!"

Dartz · 11-09-2011 01:53AM

So the bartender snarls, "We don't serve tachyons in here,"

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Cypher_sounds · 11-09-2011 11:28AM

Ok so I was going to make a joke about a pencil, but it has no point!

Coriolanus · 13-09-2011 10:22PM

tayto lover wrote: »

A Nigerian walked into the doctor's surgery with a frog on his head.
"What seems to be the problem" ? says the doctor.
The frog says " I have this annoying blackhead on my arse".

A black man walks into a doctor's surgery with a parrot on his shoulder.
"Where did you get that?", the doctor asks.
The parrot replies, "Africa, there's f"£king millions of them."

Savage Tyrant · 13-09-2011 10:26PM

I no longer see my wife and kids and it's all because of gambling.

I won a shīt load of money and moved to Spain.

dexter647 · 14-09-2011 12:46PM

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth closed..:D

Jumpy · 14-09-2011 01:11PM

rovers2001 wrote: »

What do you call a bunch of epileptics at a Disco?

A foam party!

Sorry:eek:

Seriously man. Screw you. These epilepsy jokes arent funny. Not even a bit.
The amount of times people come out with stupid jokes like "what do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub?" "throw your clothes in"
Epilepsy jokes are. Not. Funny.

My best friend died that way.

He choked on a sock.

BAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA

frag420 · 14-09-2011 04:14PM

Jumpy wrote: »

rovers2001 wrote: »

What do you call a bunch of epileptics at a Disco?

A foam party!

Sorry:eek:

Seriously man. Screw you. These epilepsy jokes arent funny. Not even a bit.
The amount of times people come out with stupid jokes like "what do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub?" "throw your clothes in"
Epilepsy jokes are. Not. Funny.

My best friend died that way.

He choked on a sock.

BAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA

Was it not a jumpy he choked on??

Canard · 14-09-2011 05:59PM

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.

After all, he did kill Hitler.

omg a kitty · 14-09-2011 07:20PM

Read this on Funny Jokes app

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned in the room asking me if i peeked through the blindfold. I assured her I hadn't. At this point she removed the blindfold and twelve dinner guest were sitting around the table. Wishing me a happy birthday as I fainted.

Savage Tyrant · 14-09-2011 09:31PM

I never wanted to believe that my Dad had been stealing from his job as a road construction worker.
But when I got home...... All the signs where there...

admiralofthefleet · 14-09-2011 09:39PM

How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.

Guill · 16-09-2011 11:13AM

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

kfallon · 16-09-2011 11:35AM

Matthew Kelly was backstage at Stars In Your Eyes when he saw two contestants in the corner, one was a middle aged guy in a wheelchair together with his younger nephew called Simon.

Curious - Matthew went over to the duo and introduced himself and asked the older guy about his disability.

"My nephew and I are glaziers" - said the old guy "and one day when he was up a ladder my nephew Simon slipped - dropped a pane of glass - and it cut my legs clean off !!"

"That's terrible" said Matthew "but its great that your here to support him nevertheless, so who is your nephew going to be?"

"Oh I'm not supporting him" said the old guy "I'm singing with him"
Matthew was perplexed. He knew the back stage crew were good but who were these two going to become, when the old guy told him...

"Tonight Matthew - we're going to be....."

Simon and Half Uncle"

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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