The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

leggit

I seen a nun riding around on a clown the other day
It was virgin on ridiculous...

Seen a hoover driving down the wrong side of the road,
it was dyson with death.
Seen a steak going down the wrong side of the road a few minutes later,
now that's rare.

punk77

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Nodster

1st Son: "dad I need to tell you I'm gay"2nd son: "dad I'm gay too"Dad: " bloody hell does no one in this family like pussy? "Daughter: "I do"

Balfie

A bloke wakes up in hospital after a car accident. He helps himself to some raisins from a bowl, just as his wife comes in.

"Oh babe you're awake! I was so worried!" she exclaimed.

"I'm fine, love" he says. "Why didn't you get me grapes? You know I like grapes."

"I did" she says, "you've been in a coma for a year."

punk77

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on his ass by a rattlesnake.
"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you’re gonna die."

PeterIanStaker

So I'm guessing that Amanda Knox's family reunion meal won't be to go out for an Italian?

PeterIanStaker

PeterIanStaker wrote: »

So I'm guessing that Amanda Knox's family reunion meal won't be to go out for an Italian?

That joke's well pasta it's best.

billymitchell

leggit wrote: »

I seen a nun riding around on a clown the other day
It was virgin on ridiculous...

Seen a hoover driving down the wrong side of the road,
it was dyson with death.
Seen a steak going down the wrong side of the road a few minutes later,
now that's rare.

Jimmy Carr??

leggit

I know a load of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work

Galway K9

leggit wrote: »

I know a load of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work

Ba-dum dum-tish!

Bobby Baccala

It's easy to tell that the economy is in ruins when a even a company as big as Apple is losing Jobs.:D:D:D:D



Too early?

unitedrover

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

It's easy to tell that the economy is in ruins when a even a company as big as Apple is losing Jobs.:D:D:D:D



Too early?

Yes. Too early:eek:

niallo27

Theres plenty of fish in the sea, but until i catch one, im stuck here just holding my rod.

HalloweenJack

Ten years ago, we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs.

Now, we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs.

sebastianlieken

They say you're life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunatly, this didn't happen to Steve Jobs as he didn't have flash player.

Galway K9

On Friday, Bob comes home from his fishing trip with the guys. His wife, having stayed home all week watching the kids, says, "Bob, your boss called yesterday and said that you were fired."

"Well, screw that son of a bitch!" says Bob.

His wife then says, "I did. You go back on Monday."

Rocky_Dennis

Just been to the gym, they got a new machine in. Started to feel sick after using it for half an hour, it was great though, it does everything, kit kats, moros, mars bars snickers, crisps, the lot......

barone

There is a new laxative out for men. Its called "WOMEN". It won't soften your stool, but it will aggravate the **** out of you.
















just joined the AA: Anonymous Alcoholics. They meet down the pub, buy each other drinks but don't tell anyone their names. Love it

jamiecoins

a few oldies

what happenned the magic tractor?
it turned into a field

a man is having trouble with his computer getting on to a website he rings his broadband provider the customer service rep asks have you disabled your cookies ~? man says no but i bit the legs of a ginger bread man before

Tauriel

A black baby is given a pair of wings by God.

He asks "God, does this mean I'm an angel?"

God laughs "Of course not you silly black f**ker...you're a fly!":eek:

WatchWolf

Womens rights.

Bobby Baccala

unitedrover wrote: »

Yes. Too early:eek:

Too early for steve jobs jokes?

iDisagree

:D:D:D:D

sean1141

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

Too early for steve jobs jokes?

iDisagree

:D:D:D:D

:Dbrilliant:D

si_guru

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

iDisagree

:D:D:D:D

A non-PC joke. (think about it).

SteelyDanJalapeno

Thats very un-pc

paulosham

This is my favourite, Bob Einstein's delivery is perfect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3o5m_mXadoU

Temptamperu

A friend of mine loves Tina Turner, cant get enough of her for some reason. Turns out shes doing a small gig in the Olympia in Dublin, very small private gig. Tickets of course are sold out when he gets to the box office. He is heart broken never seen him so bad. So he gets 24 cans of Dutch Gold and heads home.
When he gets home he turns on the radio theres a few tunes and then the DJ anounces theres a compition in which you can get a backstage ticket with special privilages and a town car to bring to the gig. Turns out hes the tenth caller and wins the ticket.
Delighted with himself he drinks his cans of Dutch and passes out.
The Big day arrives and my friend has his pulling shirt on his hair looks spanky and hes as excited as a dog whos owner just came in from work. The gig is amazing to him at least, Tina does all her hits, Private Dancer, River deep mountain high, Simply the Best, we dont need another hero all of them she blasts them out too me mate its the best night of his life and he has a back stage pass, so in he heads after the gig.
As hes walking down a corridor who should he bump into but the great lady herself, hes shíting himself, But Tina is impressed by the young man and takes him by the arm to her private room. They have champagne and grapes and strawberrys dipped in chocolate and talk all night they get on like a house on fire. After a while Tina asks him does he want to go to her hotel, me mates in love his dreams are comming true and he accepts the offer.
as soon as they get in he room she jumps him kissing him groping him, they have sex everywhere on the bed, the floor, the shower, the couch everywhere they did every position imaginal. and after five hours of making love the both of them are wreked. They collapse into the four poster bed and Tina is falling gently asleep when me mate nudges her.
"Tina" He says "could you do me a favour" she turns around and looks in his eyes and says "after this night of passino i'll do anything" So he says ould you mind holding me cóck with both your hands" Confused tina agrees and they fall asleep, Me mate as happy as a pig in shíte tina holding his cock.
The next morning Tina orders room service for breakfast they have two big dirty fry ups. Tina suddenly asks me mate "honey why did you ask me to hold onto your cóck while we slept?
And he says "Ah its nothin, just the last black girl i slept with stole me wallet"

barone

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.
My wife came home last night without her panties."


"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

barone

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

jamiecoins

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]
[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]fellas wife if pregnant she starts to get pains he phones the [/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]doctor an[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]d says my wife maybe having contractions
the [/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]doctor replies is this her first chil[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]d???
fella says no ya i[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]diot im her husban[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]d

its so stupi[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]d its funny:D[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica][/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica][/FONT]