The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

zimmermania · 06-09-2011 1:32am

A guy walks into a clinic and tries to chat up a very attractive girl who is sitting in the waiting room.The girl says "im here to give to give blood i get 50 dollars for half a pint i suppose you are giving blood too".The guy shakes his head saying "no im here to give a sperm donation i get 200 dollars for it".A week later the guy walks into the same clinic and sees the same girl sitting there.Hi honey the guy says i suppose you are here to give blood again?With her mouth tightly shut the girl shakes her head and says uh uh.

Teutorix · 06-09-2011 1:33am

zimmermania wrote: »

A guy walks into a clinic and tries to chat up a very attractive who is sitting in the waiting room.The girl says "im here to give to give blood i get 50 dollars for half a pint i suppose you are giving blood two".The guy shakes his head saying "no im here to give a sperm donation i get 200 dollars for it".A week later the guy walks into the same clinic and sees the same girl sitting there.Hi honey the guy says i suppose you are here to give blood again?With her mouth tightly shut the girl shakes her head and says uh uh.

I dont get it. Is she donating sperm?

Skullsri · 06-09-2011 1:48am

9/11 two irish carpenters mick nd pat are working in the twin towers hanging doors when the foreman walked by telling mick that door wont fit..2 seconds said pat and ill go get a plane and take a bit off the top..

don ramo · 06-09-2011 1:48am

hitler and goebbels walk into a pub a few years after the war,

the bartender asks them what they want,

they order 2 beers

the bartender looking at them baffeled and asked if they were in fact hitler and goebbles,

they both reply that they are in fact hitler and goebbles,

the bartender shocked said, i thought you both died near the end of the war,

they both said no that it was all nonsense made up by the allies,

fair enough the bartender say, so now that the war is over what do ye plan on doing,

hitler says hes gonna continue his mission to kill all the jews and all the eskimos,

ok the barman says, before asking goebbles the same question,

to which he also replies hes gonna kill all the jews and all the eskimos,

the bartender looks at them both baffeled and ask why the eskimos

to which hitler replies, see, i told you no one gives a **** about the jews,

hondasam · 06-09-2011 2:27am

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country.
She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her.
The first country boy drops his overalls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other excitedly,
"You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

chughes · 06-09-2011 6:49am

Teutorix wrote: »

I dont get it. Is she donating sperm?

If she's a spitter, yes. If she's a swallower, no.

Hootanany · 06-09-2011 8:00am

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

frag420 · 06-09-2011 11:44am

Laika1986 wrote: »

What did the Jewish Paedophile say to the kid in the van?

"Give me back them sweets"

What did the Jewish Pardophile say to the kid??

Do you want to buy a sweet??

--Kaiser-- · 06-09-2011 11:46am

A man wraps himself up in cling film and walks into a psychiatrist office. The doctor takes one look and says to him "I can clearly see you're nuts. ."

ciarang85 · 06-09-2011 11:59am

Whats the difference between a apple and a orange?

ya dont get a apple b@stard

revell · 06-09-2011 12:07pm

aaronjumper wrote: »

A man buys two fish from the pet store.
He names 1 "One" and the other "Two"

That way if "One" dies he will still have "Two"!

Badum-tsch

But if "Two" dies he will only have "One".

sensibleken · 06-09-2011 12:39pm

Why did the hipster burn his mounth?

Because he ate his dinner before it was cool.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Its an obscure number you wouldnt know it.

Why did the hipster get aids?

Because its a retrovirus

Savage Tyrant · 06-09-2011 5:45pm

Vagisil

Proud Sponsors of Jedward.

The cream for irritating twats....

Poor Uncle Tom · 06-09-2011 7:11pm

don ramo wrote: »

see, i told you no one gives a **** about the jews,

How may Germans and Jews will fit into a VW Beetle?

44

Two Germans in the front

Two Germans in the back

Fourty Jews in the ash trays

Dartz · 06-09-2011 8:01pm

Was driving there the other day, pulled up at a red light.
This ****box of a 1.0 Corsa pulled up alongside
4 skangers inside, 'bagin' toons' on the stereo which cost more than the car did.
Light turns green.
They peel out with a rasp through the fartcannon and a chirp from the tires.
Straight into the path of a speeding artic' truck.
Bits of body and bodywork fly everwhere. ****ers never even had a chance.
I'm left sitting there, thinking, that could've been me.
That could've been me.
So ****it, I'm applying for my truck license tomorrow.

mookishboy · 06-09-2011 9:14pm

Whats Pink and Rusty ?

Madeline McCann's Bicycle

Happyhunter · 06-09-2011 9:34pm

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with all kinds of nonsense, like Farther Christmas, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy...

But now that I'm older I don't fall for that sh!t anymore, thank God.

cazzzzz · 06-09-2011 9:49pm

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard, or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was actually quite desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she said. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello," the ugly fat man said. "I'm Cess!"

zimmermania · 06-09-2011 11:07pm

I never thought a platonic relationship could work until i got married.

rovers2001 · 06-09-2011 11:27pm

What do you call a bunch of epileptics at a Disco?

A foam party!

Sorry:eek:

policarp · 06-09-2011 11:56pm

Hitler wanted to be a fair man, give him his due. . .

North_West_Art · 07-09-2011 12:37am

Paddy Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman are kidnapped in Iraq.. their captors tell them, "we will give you one fighting chance to get away, so pick your preferred mode of escape"..

Paddy Englishman chose an F1 racing car, made it 2 minutes out of Baghdad and got a puncture on a rock so was thrown back into prison.

Paddy Scotsman opted for a high powered bike, but suffered the same misfortune..

Paddy Irishman asked for a duck and four springs, he promptly attached a spring to each elbow, and one to each knee, the placing the duck under his arm, he flew off into the sunset. 3 hours later he was sitting at the bar in his local back in Ireland...

"How did you do it Paddy?" they asked him..

"easy enough.." he replied.... "four-spring-duck-technique"

Dartz · 07-09-2011 1:13am

North_West_Art wrote: »

"easy enough.." he replied.... "four-spring-duck-technique"

I ****ing hate audi drivers sometimes

Skullsri · 07-09-2011 1:40am

Female shot putter goes into the doctor "doctor doctor if been taking steroids and have grown a cock" doctor replies "anabolic" "no no just the cock"

epgc3fyqirnbsx · 07-09-2011 2:25am

What do you call a kacker who steals your watch?

A Time Traveller!

getz · 07-09-2011 6:55am

the brothers at school,asked little patrick,who were the greatest three kings,patrick said; smo-king,drin-king,and bon-king.

policarp · 07-09-2011 10:43am

Tommy White Garden wrote: »

What do you call a kacker who steals your watch?

A Time Traveller!

Sh!thead.?

--Kaiser-- · 07-09-2011 10:46am

This joke won the top prize at the recent Edinburgh Fringe festival

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves"

Azureus · 07-09-2011 10:51am

A guy is lying in a hospital bed after a bad car accident. He is covered in bumps and bruises, one legs held up in a cast, an oxegen mask on his face to aid his breathing. A nurse walks in and he tentatively lifts up the mask to ask her with a worried tone and laboured breathing ''Nurse,nurse, are my testicles black?'

The nurse looks at him sympathetically and lifts his gown, feeling his testicles to ensure there is no damage done to them as requested. No, she says, they're not black.

The man manages a smile, looking relieved and says ''Ok nurse, that was very nice and all, but what I asked you was Are my test results back??''

hypermuse · 07-09-2011 11:48am

Knock Knock...

Who's there..

Not Madeleine McCann

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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