The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Blazer · 16-08-2011 02:04PM

A Bar Man Was Locking Up The Pub For The Night When A Tramp Knocked At The Door,
When The Bar Man Opened The Door The Trasked For A Tooth Pick.
The Bar Man Was Confused But Gave Him One And Carried On Locking Up.
A Short While Later Another Tramp Knocked On The Door And Asked For A Tooth Pick, The Barin Gave Him A Tooth Pick.
As The Barman Was Just About To Carry On Locking Up Another Tramp Knocked On The Door
But His Time He Asked For A Straw.
By This Time The Barman Thought He Had To Ask Why.
He Said To The Tramp "how Come 2 Tramps Asked For A Tooth Pick And You Ask For A Straw?"
The Tramp Replied " Someone Has Been Sick Outside And all the good stuff Has Been Taken!

--Kaiser-- · 16-08-2011 02:09PM

Two northern Irish ducks are walking along the road when one says to the other "Quack".
The duck looks offended, turns to the other duck and says, "Whataboutcha boi? I'm goin as quack as I caaan!

themacdaddy · 16-08-2011 02:25PM

Dear Deidre.

I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.

As I was ****, I turned to see my wife just standing there, arms folded.....watching me.

Is she a pervert?

R P McMurphy · 16-08-2011 06:45PM

A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant.
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title.

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."

R P McMurphy · 16-08-2011 06:51PM

Neighbours son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a ****. I said "now, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether

R P McMurphy · 16-08-2011 07:03PM

Two guys are in the health club and getting changed, one is putting on lace knickers

Shocked the other man exclaims "Since when do you wear womens pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

Pace2008 · 18-08-2011 07:06PM

Einhard wrote: »

Two gobstoppers are having a drink in a pub, each boasting about how hard he is, and how he could take any mint in the place. One of them saunters up to a humbug and starts pushing him about, giving him stick, and generally being a menace. Anyway, the humbug manages to squirm out of it and return to his table where he's having a few drinks with his unassuming minty mates. The second gobstopper makes his move next and walks over to the same table, startings intimidating and threatening the mints. He slaps the humbug a few times, and laughs as they all cower away from him. As he's swaggering away, chest puffed up, and eyeing all the rest of the terrified patrons, a Halls Soother walks in, and bouth gobstoppers dive under the nearest table, holding each other and quaking in fear. They remain there until the Soother drinks his pint and leaves. Whereupon the barman turns to them, and says that he thought they were hard men. Still shaking, obviously terrified, the bigger gobstopped peers out from under the table and replies...

....

...

...

...
"Are you mad, we're not going near him. Everyone knows he's Menthol!!!"

sorry

This joke in its many incarnations ranks in my 5 all-time favourites.

A quick variant for use with those of a short attention span:

A packet of Juicy Fruits and a packet of Wrigley's spearmint are taking a stroll together. A big packet of Airwaves comes walking down the road and aggessively shoulders through the two as he passes.

The Juicy Fruit turns around angrily to have a go at the airwaves, but the spearmint pull him back and says "Leave it, lad, it's not worth it...

that lad is menthol."

Fozzydog3 · 18-08-2011 07:13PM

Pace2008 wrote: »

This joke in its many incarnations ranks in my 5 all-time favourites.

A quick variant for use with those of a short attention span:

A packet of Juicy Fruits and a packet of Wrigley's spearmint are taking a stroll together. A big packet of Airwaves comes walking down the road and aggessively shoulders through the two as he passes.

The Juicy Fruit turns around angrily to have a go at the airwaves, but the spearmint pull him back and says "Leave it, lad, it's not worth it...
that lad is menthol."

Another one in the same vein ,

Black tarmac and grey tarmac are in a pub discussing how tough they are and black tarmac goes " I tell you what , you pick anyone in this pub and I'll start a fight with them "

Just as he finishes red tarmac walks in so grey tarmac goes "alright how about him ? "

Black tarmac , visibly shaken goes "No way , I know im hard but he's a fcuking cyclepath ! "

Sir Gallagher · 18-08-2011 07:19PM

Whats the best thing about having sex with a pregnant woman?

You get a blow job at the same time.

Pace2008 · 18-08-2011 07:29PM

Fozzydog3 wrote: »

Another one in the same vein ,

Black tarmac and grey tarmac are in a pub discussing how tough they are and black tarmac goes " I tell you what , you pick anyone in this pub and I'll start a fight with them "

Just as he finishes red tarmac walks in so grey tarmac goes "alright how about him ? "

Black tarmac , visibly shaken goes "No way , I know im hard but he's a fcuking cyclepath ! "

That joke (with a little tweaking) is totally getting broken out tomorrow night.

For this thread only, multiple Thanks should be allowed.

senorwipesalot · 18-08-2011 07:40PM

Why did Helen Keller wear tight jeans?
So people could read her lips.

im invisible · 19-08-2011 05:16AM

That joke (with a little tweaking) is totally getting broken out tomorrow night.

man walks into a bar with a piece of red tarmac under his arm, and says to the barman

"can i have a pint, and one for the road"

...

barman says "i'll serve you, but im not serving him, that lad's a cyclepath"

there ya go, two for the price of one:D

ericl · 19-08-2011 09:07AM

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

R P McMurphy · 19-08-2011 05:18PM

Two Italian men are at a restaurant and the first says to the other.

"First Emma cum then I cum. Two asses come together and I cum again. Two asses come together once more and I cum again. Pee twice and I cum again."

A disgusted woman looks at the two and says
"I don't care what it's like in your country but here we don't discuss our sexual lives in public."

The first Italian guy looks at her perplexed and says

"Lady what you talkin' about? Shut uppa your mouth, I just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."

R P McMurphy · 19-08-2011 05:21PM

I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse yesterday

I just couldn't get past her

I was tooting my horn and hanging out the window shouting at her, but still she wouldn't let me past

The guy on the motorbike behind me was waving madly too.
I was so frustrated.

"It's people like you that cause accidents," I shouted at her.
After several minutes, I could take no more.

I looked all around to make sure the coast was clear...

...and jumped off the carousel

R P McMurphy · 19-08-2011 05:26PM

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette,
with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says:
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Samich · 19-08-2011 05:36PM

^^ Dude this is the best joke ye ever heard, not a collection of jokes.

J K · 19-08-2011 05:58PM

Pace2008 wrote: »

That joke (with a little tweaking) is totally getting broken out tomorrow night.

For this thread only, multiple Thanks should be allowed.

You can follow it up with a few packets of sweets having a similar conversation and one of them turns out to be Menthol. ....Ahh it's 1988 again.

Quagmire77 · 25-08-2011 12:01PM

Why does Mr.Tayto have a mobile phone?

...............................................
...............................................
......................In case Johhny Onion Rings!!

GrizzlyMan · 25-08-2011 12:50PM

What did jesus Say when he woke up on the cross?

FU*K i was hammered last night!!

criticalcritic · 25-08-2011 01:04PM

That Ricky Gervais is funny, absolutely side splitting!

--Kaiser-- · 25-08-2011 02:34PM

A hobo, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if she had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The hobo said "How about 50 dollars?" The woman agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage.

A short time later, the hobo came to the door to collect his money. "You're finished already?" she asked.
"Yes," the hobo answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the woman reached in her pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the hobo added, "I know a bit about cars, that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

GodlessInfidel · 25-08-2011 07:16PM

What do you call a woman with two cu*ts?

Jedwards ma

Cork24 · 25-08-2011 07:26PM

What you Call a Snail on a ship ?

a Snailor :cool:

aaronjumper · 25-08-2011 07:47PM

A man buys two fish from the pet store.
He names 1 "One" and the other "Two"

That way if "One" dies he will still have "Two"!

Badum-tsch

Savage Tyrant · 25-08-2011 08:37PM

£12 for a three course roast dinner that feeds 4. That's why mums go to Iceland....

£10 for an 13 year old, bouncing on your willy all day, that's why dads go to Thailand...

Rocky_Dennis · 26-08-2011 11:12AM

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said "I'm sick of it, you actually think you're a transformer. It's stupid, I've had enough and I'm leaving you"
I said "But baby, I can change"
She said "There you go again"

R P McMurphy · 26-08-2011 01:55PM

I was driving past a field the other day and I saw a scarecrow trying to have a ****! Then I thought to myself: that is never gonna happen, that things only clutching at straws

R P McMurphy · 26-08-2011 01:56PM

how do they separate the men from the boys in greece?

with a crowbar

R P McMurphy · 26-08-2011 01:58PM

After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had"

Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments