The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

kfallon · 09-07-2011 05:13PM

A vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling water please"
the barman says "I thought you only drank blood?"
the vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "im making a brew"

offaly1 · 09-07-2011 06:06PM

kfallon wrote: »

A vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling water please"
the barman says "I thought you only drank blood?"
the vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "im making a brew"

eugh.............:eek:

bacon? · 09-07-2011 06:15PM

why do women float on water?

because they're scum

Gloomtastic! · 10-07-2011 01:03PM

bacon? wrote: »

why do women float on water?
because they're scum

Oh dear, looks like someone's feeling a bit rejected at the moment!

RebelSniper · 10-07-2011 01:16PM

What do you call a mexican with no lawnmower?

Unemployed

Capt'n Midnight · 10-07-2011 02:22PM

Two mexicans firemen.

Jose and Hose B

What do you call a mexican that can't do any thing?

A mexican't

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is already in the US.

What do you call a Mexican guy who lost his car?

Carlos....

How do two Mexicans play baseball ?

Juan on Juan

What do you call a Mexican jedi

Obi-Juan Kenobi

kfallon · 10-07-2011 05:43PM

The wife caught me hiding in the wardrobe.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Narnia business" I replied.

GodlessInfidel · 10-07-2011 05:56PM

A child and a peadofile walking through a forest the child says 'God this place is scary'

the peadofile replies 'tell me about it, i gotta walk back by myself'

Wossack · 11-07-2011 09:58AM

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.
"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Bob.
Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."
"My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"
"Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up."

patmac · 11-07-2011 09:45PM

I spent some time at the wife's grave last night.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond...

ericl · 12-07-2011 10:19PM

My wife's been complaining for hours about toothache. She's been going on and on about the pain, and how much she's afraid of the dentist.
I'd had enough, so I got a pair of pliers, stood on her forehead and yanked the fcuker out.
Let's see how much moaning she can do without a tongue.

JessicaRabbit · 12-07-2011 10:48PM

I Stole A Joint Of Meat From Tesco 2 Day. The Security Guard Ran After Me Shouting "What Are You Doing With That??" I Shouted Back, "Potatoes, Peas, Carrots And Gravy You Nosey Bas*%rd !!!

12-07-2011 10:54PM

Two cannibals were eating a clown, one cannibal says to the other ''does this taste funny to you''

fred funk }{ · 12-07-2011 10:54PM

A man and a woman were coming back from the jungle and they were trying to smuggle back a snake and a skunk.
They were in the airport and thinking of ways of hiding the animals, so the man said "I'll put the snake down my trousers and you put the skunk down your knickers". The women said "what about the smell?" the man said "sure if it dies it dies".

Consuelano · 12-07-2011 11:38PM

What's the difference between cowboy hats and tampons?

Cowboy hats are for assholes.

EverEvolving · 13-07-2011 12:44PM

Paddy and Murphy arrive at a fancy dress party. The theme was emotions. Most people dressed in colours associated with feelings. Red = Anger, Green = Envy, Yellow = Cowardice.

They looked shocked to see Paddy naked with his dick lodged in a pear and Murphy with his dick in a bowl of custard.

When asked what they had come as, Paddy answers "well I am deep in dis-pear" and Murphy says "and I am fucking dis-custard"

Cunning Stunt · 13-07-2011 01:09PM

I like the one about the dyslexic guy who walks into a bra..

admiralofthefleet · 13-07-2011 01:12PM

A girl in a bar points at a mans beer belly. she says "is that Carling or Bud?"

He says " no idea, but there's a tap underneath if you wanna taste"

policarp · 13-07-2011 06:58PM

A man was driving through the Phoenix park and he sees someone grasping onto a tree. He stops the car and goes over to see if this chap needs help.
The chap tells him he can hear Lyric FM , if you grasp very tightly onto the tree, because the this particular tree acts as an aeriel. The man is very sceptical but is persuaded to have a go, whereupon the chap 'cuffs him to the tree, takes his wallet, his mobile, his car keys and drives off in the mans car.
The man is very embarassed and after what seemed like ages a gentleman approaches the man and asks "What's the problem?"
The man says "Like yourself I was curious when I saw someone grasping onto a tree," and told the gentleman the whole story.
The gentleman then shrugs his shoulders, pulls down the zip on his fly and says to the man, "This is not your lucky day, is it?"

kkdela6 · 15-07-2011 02:59AM

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, " Allo sir, Patrick Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, " Aye wee sir, Pat McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
Paddy Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of wire and a few timber stakes, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "Howya Goin, Paddy O'Sullivan, fencing."

spunkymunky · 15-07-2011 07:23AM

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic!!!

sean1141 · 15-07-2011 09:57AM

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1) Sip
the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There
are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus
was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob
wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We
do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do Not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'

12)The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

Rick Deckard · 15-07-2011 09:59AM

Cant believe my 4yr old niece told me this yesterday,

what do you call a tellytubby with its finger up its bum?

Stinky Pinky

sean1141 · 15-07-2011 02:15PM

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!!
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

kfallon · 16-07-2011 03:07PM

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

ericl · 16-07-2011 03:13PM

Give a blonde a fish and she'll eat for a day.

Give her a fishing rod and she'll fcuking choke to death.

kfallon · 16-07-2011 03:17PM

A bloke parks his car in a disabled spot and walks away.
The parking warden calls after him "Oi, what's your disability?"
Bloke replies "Tourettes, you c*nt. Now f*ck off!"

Newly-weds arrive at their honeymoon destination and check into hotel.
Receptionist asks the groom, 'Do you have any reservations?'
He replies, 'Yeah, she won't take it up the a*se'

Dwarf walks into a brothel......and got a box in the head

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them
to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard
on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?...
I couldn't even get on the f**king bed.."

kfallon · 16-07-2011 03:18PM

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up

silvine · 16-07-2011 03:29PM

What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

Siberian pine needle · 16-07-2011 06:19PM

Why didnt rover bark??

cos rovers a fish!!

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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