The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

kfallon · 13-06-2011 08:15PM

Grand-daughter asks Grandad to do an impression of a frog.

He tries, but it wasn't much good.

'I can do a horse, or a lion, or a pig, or a cow.' he said

'No grandad' she said 'it must be a frog.'

He asked 'Why does it have to be a frog ?'

She got excited and said 'Mammy said that when you croak we're all going to Disneyland.'

Dr.Dre · 13-06-2011 08:44PM

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

Luap · 13-06-2011 08:48PM

The HSE.

kfallon · 13-06-2011 08:49PM

Enid and Fred are both residents in the same old peoples home and have become friends over afternoon tea dances.One day while dancing Enid remarks that she hasn't had sex since the death of her husband 15 years earlier. Fred admits that his sex life has also been somewhat arid since the death of his wife 10 years ago. One thing leads to another and Enid invites Fred to her room. While undressing Enid says "before we go any further I think I ought to tell you that I have acute angina", Fred responds "well that's lucky 'cos you've got disgusting tits."

Spread · 13-06-2011 08:51PM

Maloney_o9 wrote: »

The HSE.

You gotta be kidding. They're beyond a joke

Luap · 13-06-2011 08:52PM

Spread wrote: »

You gotta be kidding. They're beyond a joke

Yes, I am a llama

Dr.Dre · 13-06-2011 08:54PM

Muslim women have a new social networking site

Book

kfallon · 13-06-2011 09:05PM

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

Will I Amnt · 13-06-2011 09:17PM

kfallon wrote: »

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

Tim Vine???

shrewdness · 13-06-2011 10:09PM

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

SadieSue · 13-06-2011 10:17PM

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

kfallon · 13-06-2011 10:42PM

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
"Is that one word or two?”

T2daK · 14-06-2011 12:39AM

kfallon wrote: »

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

are you actually serious?

--Kaiser-- · 14-06-2011 08:56AM

T2daK wrote: »

are you actually serious?

No, they're jokes

Feelgood · 14-06-2011 09:10AM

What to you call a woman with 2 cunts?.

Jedwards mother :pac:

Sam Vimes · 14-06-2011 10:52AM

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant, the kind where you pick your meal from a fish tank. The waiter approaches and says " I am Gervais your waiter tonight..come over and choose your meal"

Looking in the tank the man sees a green squid sat in the corner...the squid even had a moustache!!

"That squid in the corner, that's the one for me....!"

"Oh no sir", said Gervais. "That squid is the restaurant pet. Try one of the fish."

"Nope the squid and I insist"

With a heavy heart Gervais scoops out the squid lays him on the chopping block and raises the cleaver...Just as Gervais is about to slice at the poor squid he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"I know", he thinks. "I'll get Hans the enormous German dish washer to do this dirty deed".

The dish washer comes out wielding a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

And this story just goes to show:

That Hans that does dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

estadio · 14-06-2011 11:02AM

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?

tjones64 · 14-06-2011 11:11AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GWJC7tlYck

Callan57 · 14-06-2011 11:14AM

Sam Vimes wrote: »

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant, the kind where you pick your meal from a fish tank. The waiter approaches and says " I am Gervais your waiter tonight..come over and choose your meal"

Looking in the tank the man sees a green squid sat in the corner...the squid even had a moustache!!

"That squid in the corner, that's the one for me....!"

"Oh no sir", said Gervais. "That squid is the restaurant pet. Try one of the fish."

"Nope the squid and I insist"

With a heavy heart Gervais scoops out the squid lays him on the chopping block and raises the cleaver...Just as Gervais is about to slice at the poor squid he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"I know", he thinks. "I'll get Hans the enormous German dish washer to do this dirty deed".

The dish washer comes out wielding a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

And this story just goes to show:

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

Love it ... but I don't know whether to laugh or cry

jme2010 · 14-06-2011 11:25AM

*coat in hand

What did the 0 say to the 8........

where'd you get the belt

jme2010 · 14-06-2011 11:28AM

Callan57 wrote: »

Love it ... but I don't know whether to laugh or cry

I liked the other version...where the squid keeps letting out a "quiet eeek" sound, so the punch line is "That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. for mild scream, hairy lip squid!"

Dr.Dre · 14-06-2011 08:32PM

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

Capt'n Midnight · 14-06-2011 10:41PM

What's a Hindu ?

lays eggs

kano476 · 14-06-2011 11:00PM

Jesus said to John "come forth and I shall grant you eternal life"

John came fifth and won a toaster.

DubPsycho · 14-06-2011 11:42PM

Two snowmen in a field.

One says to the other, "do you smell carrots"?:D

Godsentme · 16-06-2011 05:47AM

kfallon wrote: »

Young pregnant wan rings 999 from a phonebox in Tallaght:

"Here I need an ambulance, me waters have broken!"

"Where are you ringing from?" asks the operator

To which she replies "From me gee to me bleedin' knees!"

Don't care where ya git 'em ,fallon.. Keep 'em comin' !! I'm bustin' me bollix LOL all night here in work!!!:D:D:D:D:D

Godsentme · 16-06-2011 05:49AM

:eek::eek:Oh fcuk!!! Can i take back that last post???? My boss knows my user name!!!!

Well thats my lil joke..:P

Joe10000 · 16-06-2011 05:57AM

There was a girl beside me in the pub on Saturday night and i asked her could I smell her pussy, she said no and slapped me across the face, so I told her it must have been her feet.