The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Cypher_sounds

Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and asks 'what do you do?' Clarkson replies 'i do top gear' Amy Winehouse says 'aww i'll have 3 grams please'

Rick Deckard

Once you go black, you never go back.

I'd love to see Kari test that one on MythBusters.

Fbjm

Ledger wrote: »

shut the door on your way thanks.

-.-

PeterIanStaker

Two wrongs never make a right;


But they do make an episode of Jerry Springer.

AlanBr

Why is Beyonce's song called "To the left to the left"...?


Because black people have no rights.

Fbjm

peatcass wrote: »

Once you go black, you never go back.

I'd love to see Kari test that one on MythBusters.

http://sickipedia.org/

Copypasta?

Third highest of the day.

Original.

pipelaser

Best joke I ever heard was one totally off the cuff by a mate of mine(Donal).

There were three of us travelling in South america, all in our late 20s. While on a particular trip we had a few younger girls(all around 18) in our group, one of which was quite hot..
Since there were only two-man tents, one of us (David a 28 year old that works in economics) had to sleep in the same one as this hot girl.

After a few drinks we all went to the tents and there was a bit of giggleing as we all watched the two of them go into the tent together.

After we all shouted goodnight to each other Waltons style, there was a bit of a pause..

Donal: "Dave, your good at maths arent you?"
David "Yeah..., what?"
Donal "How many times does 28 go into 18?" !!

Boom Boom, I pissed myself!:pac:

Rick Deckard

Fbjm wrote: »

http://sickipedia.org/

Copypasta?

Third highest of the day.

Original.

Just sharing with the group. Am crap for remembering jokes

orourkeda

peatcass wrote: »

Once you go black, you never go back.

I'd love to see Kari test that one on MythBusters.

I love Kari.

(p.s thats not a joke)

sunflower27

peatcass wrote: »

Am crap for remembering jokes

The 1,000th post. Oh the irony

deco nate

My wife and I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent last month.
Simon said, "What is your act?"
I said, "Magic."
He said, "Okay, so what are you both going to do?"
I said, "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air."
He said, "Have you ever done this before?"
I said, "Yes, once."
He said, "Okay Gerry & Kate, good luck."

deco nate

Ryan Giggs and his brother walk into a bar.

Ryan says to the barman, "I'll have whatever he's having..."

losthorizon

kfallon

An old one:

David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.

Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick.The man says "For this trick David I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer who I see is here tonight and I will also need a table."

He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her knickers and takes her from behind.

David Copperfield is horrified and says "That's not a trick!!", to which the man replies, "No but it's fooking magic."

Will I Amnt

Fbjm wrote: »

http://sickipedia.org/

Copypasta?

Third highest of the day.

Original.

So what!! Do you think everyone else wrote their own jokes for this thread?

kfallon

cambo2008 wrote: »

So what!! Do you think everyone else wrote their own jokes for this thread?

I typed me own tyvm

Will I Amnt

kfallon wrote: »

I typed me own tyvm

You sir could do with a rapturous round of applause,excellent typing skills,gold star on the way.

mufcboy1999

cambo2008 wrote: »

So what!! Do you think everyone else wrote their own jokes for this thread?

exactly lads all jokes have to come from somewhere in all fairness.

policarp

I brought to the attention of a woman that she had one boob exposed.
"Oh sh-t" she says,"I left the baby on the bus."

Duiske

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"

Sam Vimes

cambo2008 wrote: »

So what!! Do you think everyone else wrote their own jokes for this thread?

Especially since the thread is called "Best joke ye ever heard" and not "Best joke ye ever made up"

Formosa

Why do women have legs?



Did you ever see the mess a snail makes....

Capt'n Midnight

Did you hear the one about the cop who picked up a nurse girl in 'Coppers?, shagged the arse off her They made love all night, the cop was kind enough to drop her home next morning....

Passing a halting site in Finglas the nurse girl said "You can just drop me here" .. "Yea lying little bitch" said the Guard "You told me you were a nurse"...

"No" say's Rosie "I told you I was one of the Ward sisters".....

Capt'n Midnight

An old man walked up to the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, President Bush is no longer in office. He doesn't live here anymore."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the very same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine once again told the veteran, respectfully, "Sir, as I said yesterday, President Bush is no longer in office and doesn't live here anymore."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The next day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to President Bush. I've told you already that he is no longer in office. He's never coming back. Don't you understand?"

The old veteran answered him, "Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Sir, see you tomorrow, sir!"

Frank Black

sean1141 wrote: »

i thought this was best jokes thread not a FYP thread

I'm a dick.

FYP

donalg1

Deleted User wrote: »

What do you call a dog with no ears?

A c*nt

Whats the story with the above spoilers, punchlines greyed out

Sam Vimes

donalg1 wrote: »

Whats the story with the above spoilers, punchlines greyed out

Highlight the text to read the punchline

lucylu

What do you call a Donkey with 3 legs??

Wonkey

optogirl

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and a squint?

A

winky wonky

Reloc8

optogirl wrote: »

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and a squint?

A

winky wonky

A donkey with 3 legs and a squint who plays piano ?

a winky wonky plinky plonky

3 legs, squint, plays piano and does elvis impersonations ?

winky wonky plinky plonky honky tonky