The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Savage Tyrant · 20-04-2011 04:15PM

I saw a Muslim freedom fighter today.

Well, I say freedom fighter......He's Ahmed, my divorce Lawyer.

beano345 · 20-04-2011 05:02PM

why did the washing machine laugh?

because he was taking the piss outta the knickers

TwoShedsJackson · 20-04-2011 05:51PM

Driving along in his new sports car, a guy decides to impress his girlfriend by doing 80 mph in it. She reckons this is really exciting, so leans over to him and says 'if you speed up to 90, I'll take my top and bra off!'

He does so, she strips off her top and bra and he's having a great time checking her out, then she leans over again and says 'speed up to 100 and I'll take my trousers off'.

He speeds up again, she whips off her trousers, he's having trouble staying on the road now. She leans over and says 'speed up to 120 and I'll take my knickers off'.

He speeds up, she takes off her knickers, he's so distracted gawking over at her that he swerves off the road and into a field. Car crashes upside down and she's thrown clear, stark naked, he's stuck in the driver's seat, can't get out.

'Here!' he shouts 'get over to that farmhouse and tell whoever lives there we crashed and call an ambulance!'

'I can't go!' she shouts, 'I'm naked!'. 'Get one of my shoes off then and use that to cover yourself so' he says.

So she runs up to the farmhouse holding one of his shoes over her crotch, rings the doorbell and the farmer answers.

'Please help!' she shouts 'my boyfriend is trapped and we have to get him out!'

The farmer takes one look at her and says 'look love if he's stuck that far in there's not much I can do'.

admiralofthefleet · 20-04-2011 06:04PM

Galway K9 wrote: »

Whats the difference between a Dublin Northsider and batman?

Batman can go shopping without robin!:D

How do you know a southside girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her accent.

PeterIanStaker · 20-04-2011 06:11PM

A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest dick in town.

One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and ask him why he's got the biggest knob around.

“Well,” says Bubba, “every night before bed, I tug on my dick and tap it on the bedpost three times.”

“That's it?” asks the drunk.

“Yup,” says Bubba.

So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and says, “Bubba, is that you?”

PeterIanStaker · 20-04-2011 06:11PM

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

How do you know a southside girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her accent.

How do you know a northside girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her bag of chips

admiralofthefleet · 20-04-2011 06:17PM

PeterIanStaker wrote: »

How do you know a northside girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her bag of chips

what does a southsider do when he loses his car keys? calls daddy and asks him to buy him a roles royce

what does a southsider do when he wants to go watch a rugby game?
calls daddy and asks him to buy him the all blacks

what does a southsider do when he gets a girlfriend? absoloutely nothing hoping he will someday lose his virginity

Ronin247 · 20-04-2011 07:13PM

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

How do you know a southside girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her accent.

PeterIanStaker wrote: »

How do you know a northside girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her bag of chips

North side girls get fake diamonds and real orgasms, South side girls get real diamonds.....

Will I Amnt · 20-04-2011 07:17PM

Elba101 wrote: »

Don't know where i heard this one but...

This week's Yeast Club meeting is now in session.

All rise.

Oh that reminds me,what do you get when you cross Billy ray Cyrus with thrush??
An itchy twitchy twat

AckwelFoley · 20-04-2011 07:20PM

Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."

The barman says, "That's not like you."

Zaph · 20-04-2011 09:23PM

Two nuns were cycling through an old part of Rome.
First Nun: I've never come this way before.
Second Nun: That'll be the cobbles.

hondasam · 20-04-2011 09:31PM

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also,
I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said.

"Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

admiralofthefleet · 20-04-2011 09:39PM

Zaph wrote: »

Two nuns were cycling through an old part of Rome.
First Nun: I've never come this way before.
Second Nun: That'll be the cobbles.

mother superior shouts at nighttime:

OK GIRLS, LIGHTS OUT AT 11 CANDLES OUT AT HALF

theboat · 20-04-2011 10:15PM

Two fella's are chatting over a few pints. One of them says to the other,
-You know, you're my best friend, and you've been so good to me over the years. I'd do anything for you. If I had two dogs, I'd give you one!

His friend replies,
-"If you had two cars, would you give me one?"
-"I would!

-What about if you had two houses?
-I would, I'd give you one of them!

-If you had two bicycles, would you give me one?
-Ah, come on now. You know I've two bicycles...

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish.

clonadlad · 20-04-2011 10:49PM

Two chemists go to a bar. The first one says "I'll have an H-2-O". Then the second one says "I'll have an H-2-O too". He died.

FionnRua · 20-04-2011 10:52PM

Whats the difference between a duck?
One of his legs are both the same

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up behind it

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way

admiralofthefleet · 20-04-2011 11:21PM

FionnRua wrote: »

Whats the difference between a duck?
One of his legs are both the same

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up behind it

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way

please leave the internet immediately

Logfire · 21-04-2011 03:20PM

A man enters his local one Sunday afternoon sporting a brand new black eye. All his drinking buddies are dying to know what happened as he was a quiet lad and was never one for fighting.
After he his pint was ordered and served, he began to tell the story of how he got the black eye. This is what he told.

‘I was at mass this morning and was kneeling down at my usual seat when a big fat woman comes in and kneels down at the seat in front of me.’
‘I couldn’t help but notice that some folds of her dress were trapped between the cheeks of her arse. Then, before I knew what was happening, a young fella of 5 or 6 yearsof age who was sitting in the same seat as myself leaned forward and yanked the dress out of her arse’.
‘Well… she was a little unimpressed and, looking around, all she could see was me sniggering, as the young lad was hiding behind me by now. She swung around with the handbag like an Olympic hammer thrower, and the result is the black eye you can see now. She must have thought I had done the deed’

Well there was some evening had after that tale and our hero was the butt of all the jokes as you might expect. However, this is not the end of the story.
All returns to normal till the following Sunday afternoon when the same man enters the local and lo and behold, he has a shiner on the other eye.
There was all manner of guessing as to what happened this time but nobody was the wiser until the pint was pulled and on the counter. Then the remainder of the story came to light. This is part two of what he told on how he got the other black eye.

‘I was at mass again this morning and it was just like last week. The same young fella was there and the same fat woman came in and knelt down in front of me. Sure enough, the dress was caught between the cheeks of her arse again. Quick as a flash, the young fella leaned forward and whipped it out again.’
‘Well I had learned my lesson from last week, and I knew she hated that, so I just leaned forward and pushed it in again!’

Galway K9 · 21-04-2011 03:22PM

FionnRua wrote: »

Whats the difference between a duck?
One of his legs are both the same

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up behind it

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way

and I thought the crisis in Japan was a tragedy??:D

Cathaoirleach · 22-04-2011 01:22PM

What did the Garda say to the motorist?
"Show us yer license or I'll rape ye".

messi1985 · 23-04-2011 12:12PM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says 'Can u please call over, I have a puzzle and I dont know how to assesmble it.' The boyfriend asks 'What's it meant to be when it's finished' 'A rooster' she replied. She shows him the puzzle. He studied the pieces, looked at the box and says to her 'Firstly, this puzzle will never be assembled.' He takes her hand 'Secondly, I want you to relax, have a cup of tea' He takes a deep sigh and finally says........ 'and u can put the Cornflakes back in the box'

policarp · 23-04-2011 01:33PM

The reverend mother came out one morning and found the nuns squabbling over whose turn it was next on the bicycle.
"Oh Holy God sisters", she says, "If you don't stop squabbling I'm going to put the saddle back on the bike".

crazygeryy · 23-04-2011 03:27PM

husband and wife lying in bed and the wife said i had a dream last night they were auctioning off penises.10$ for fat ones and 20$ for long ones.and the husband says and what were the selling ones like mine for?
she says they were giving them away.

next day they were in bed again and the husband says i had a dream last night they were auctioning off pussys.1000$ for shaved ones and 2000$ for tight ones.and the wife says what were they selling ones like mine for?
husband says: THATS WHERE THEY HELD THE AUCTION.

cosanostra · 23-04-2011 03:57PM

Republican newspaper An Phoblacht has beat off Hello magazine for rights to the Royal wedding. A spokesman for the paper said they paid quite a lot considering they only wanted one shot!

NedLowry · 23-04-2011 04:05PM

Eddie the head was born with no body, no arms, and no legs. All he had was a head. But despite this major birth defect, his parents still loved him very much. So on his sixteenth birthday, his parents found a doctor that could surgically give Eddie a body. When the parents got home, they couldn't wait to tell him that he could finally have a body and be like other normal people. When Eddie got there, they were really excited and said, "Have we got a surprise for you. It's the best present ever!" And Eddie replied, "Oh no, not another hat!"

kfallon · 27-04-2011 10:05PM

A woman was sacked today from the local sperm bank......

......apparently she was caught drinking on the job :pac:

Paddy Samurai · 27-04-2011 11:44PM

A guy walks into the Doctor's office, he has a carrot in his ear and a parsnip up his nose.
Doctor he says I'm not feeling well.

I think I know whats wrong says the Doctor

...............your not eating properly.

Poor Uncle Tom · 27-04-2011 11:48PM

Patient: Doctor, I've a terrible headache, I feel nausious, I see spots in front of my eyes, I get dizzy spells, my nose is all blocked up and one of my ears are blocked...

Doctor: You're ugly too.

ScummyMan · 27-04-2011 11:57PM

The family living next door to Tom had a baby boy, but he was born with no ears. After a few days Tom and his parents went to visit the baby, and Tom was warned not to say anything about the ears. When he saw the baby, Tom said to its mother "What a beautiful baby. How is his eyesight?"
"Perfect" its mother replyed proudly.

"Thats good" said Tom, "cause he would be screwed if he needed glasses!"

loremolis · 28-04-2011 08:32AM

"The problem with quotes on the Internet is that you can't always be sure of their authenticity" - Abraham Lincoln

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments