The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Rick Deckard

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

Ryan Giggs is suing Twitter.... I can't Imogen Why.

A hooker is taking out a super injunction against people saying she slept with Wayne Rooney:pac:

Freddie59

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment:'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

jimbob86

What do you do if you see a spaceman?









Park in it man!

JaMiE2492

Ryans Giggs wife has walked out on him..she has been given half of everythng he owns..she now has 6 more premier league medals than Stevie Gerard

Hootanany

My mate got raped by an elephant last week. He went to doctors. Doctor asked why his arsehole was stretched to 10 inches when an elephants penis is only 4 inches wide?


Weeping, my mate said..."the dirty bastrd fingered me first"

dusty207

haven't seen all posts so sorry if this is a repeat!

blond goes into a hairdressers for a cut and blowdry. hairdresser asks her to remove her ipod headphones but she refuses. takes him hours to do the cut etc etc but gets it done anyway. she pays and leaves. two weeks later she arrives back for the same. again he asks her to remove the headphones and again she refuses. halfway through the job he gets pissed off and sneaks them out of her ears and finishes the job. she stays there in the seat not moving. he checks and finds she's dead. while waiting for the ambulance he pops the headphones onto his own ears and hears...."breathe in, breathe out... breathe in, breathe out...breathe in, breathe out........."

Rick Deckard

One day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a b*ndage-S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her.She showed it to her husband.He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?
The dad looked at her and said,

"Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"

1867IE

True story but also the best joke I ever heard.

I work with a big multi-national and there was a German guy in our building on day having a meeeting, let's call him Hans.

Anyway, Hans is having lunch with our (Irish) guys and one of them gets up and says, "Excuse me, I must go early as I have a funeral to go to".

Hans responds, "Jeez Pat last time I was here you were at a funeral too. You Irish must love your funerals"!!

To which Pat turns around and responds, "Well Hans, in Ireland we bury them one at a time".

getz

i have a pet bulldog,every morning i take it out for a tramp in the woods.the dog loves it,the tramps not to pleased.

18AD

Some people say firemen deserve more money, but a poll was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.

- Milton Jones

--Kaiser--

getz wrote: »

i have a pet bulldog,every morning i take it out for a tramp in the woods.the dog loves it,the tramps not to pleased.

My Grandad has a dog with no legs called Woodbine.
Every evening he takes him outside for a drag

getz

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

My Grandad has a dog with no legs called Woodbine.
Every evening he takes him outside for a drag

is that the irish terrior ,who wags his head and walks backwards ?

Elba101

Violets are red
Roses are blue
I suffer from memory loss
Fish and chips

Filthy joke warning...

A guy goes to a hooker for a bit of fun but doesnt have much money.
'what can I get for a fiver?' he says
'I will let you eat me out for that' she responds
So he tears in and is quite enjoying himself.
After a few moments though a piece of carrot comes out of her minge! This does slightly worry the chap but since he is having such a good time he decides to tuck back in.
But then a little later a pea pops out!
Hmmm he thinks to himself, should he stop...ah no sure tis only a pea so he dives back down there.
But then a little bit later a chunk of meat comes out!
Now he is seriously worried so he decides to mention it to the brazzer.
'excuse me love, but are you sick or something' he asks gingerly
She responds 'No love, but the guy before you was'!!

bada boom tssssssh....

careca11

what do you call a fanny with Teeth


Spoiler. vicious c*nt

BO-JANGLES

An alien crash lands outside a pub in Ireland and staggers into the bar. Feeling a bit shocked he asked the bar man for a pint of whatever the locals drink.
"We don't serve aliens here" said the barman.
"But if I buy everybody a drink will you serve me then?"asked the alien.
"just put it on my tab"

The bar was buzzing all evening on the beer flowing thanks to the the alien and his tab. Everyone was having a great time.

At the end of the night the barman totted up the bill and handed him a bill for €1500.36 cent.

The alien looked at the bill smiled at the barman and said "sure,no problem, have you got change of a gonk?:D

getz

old mother murphy married three times gave birth to 12 children,when she died she had out lived them all. after the funeral father patrick said to the undertaker,well their back together again,who said the undertaker her first second or third husband ? no said father patrick,i am talking about her legs.

Sazzler

What do you get hanging from apple trees?



Sore arms.

ArtyM

A young guy walks into a bar and orders 5 vodkas straight up.
Barman lines them up in front of him.
He proceeds to take each one and throw it straight back.
Intrigued, the barman ask 'special occasion today fella'?
Yeah replies the guy, my first blowjob today.
Well congratulations, why didnt you say so replies the barman, the next one is on the house.
Thanks but no Thanks replies the guy, if those 5 didnt get rid of the taste nothing will.

Saint_Mel

Q. Why do farts smell?

A. So deaf people can appreciate them too!

Rick Deckard

I was waiting at the bus stop when a fat woman waddled up.
"whens it due, love?" I asked.
"You cheeky bastard!" she spat.

"The bus, chubby," I said, "who'd want to ride you?"

Savage Tyrant

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

Max Factor should make condoms.

Rick Deckard

peatcass wrote: »

I was waiting at the bus stop when a fat woman waddled up.
"whens it due, love?" I asked.
"You cheeky bastard!" she spat.

"The bus, chubby," I said, "who'd want to ride you?"

In a shop; "Can I have a Kikat chunky?"
*hands me a Chunky Kitkat*

I wanted a normal one, you fat kunt!

MayoForSam

This redneck is driving along the road one day in a pick-up, he's transporting a pile of chickens in the back plus his cousin's prize cockerel, Henry, up front in the cab.

Along the way, he sees a nice curvy brunette hitchhiker thumbing a lift so he pulls over and beckons her inside. Henry the cockerel observes all this in an approving fashion.

Redneck: 'Come along with me honey, I'll show you a real good time."

Brunette: 'No thanks mister, you don't look too trustworthy."

Redneck: 'Suit yourself sister - no f*ck, no ride!", then he slams the door shut and tears off down the road.

A few miles further on, he spots another stunning blonde hitchhiker. Fancying his chances, he pulls over as Henry yet again looks on in eager anticipation.

Redneck: "Jump in here cutie, I'll show you a really good time"

Blonde: "No thanks sir, I think I'll wait for the next offer"

Redneck:"Ah bugger off then - no f*ck, no ride!", slams the door shut and tears off down the road.

By now, Henry the cockerel is getting a bit agitated and frustrated with the redneck's lack of success, so he starts squawking and hopping around the place.

The redneck quickly loses patience with Henry so he grabs him, opens the rear window and turfs him in the back of the pick-up.

Anyway, a few miles further down the road and the redneck notices oncoming cars are beeping and flashing their headlights at him.

He ignores them all until eventually another driver, while overtaking, pulls alongside and motions for the redneck to wind down his window.

Redneck: "What the heck is wrong with all you people?"

Driver: "Mister, I think you should pull over because you got some trouble in the back."

Redneck: "Whaddya mean?"

Driver:"Well, you got one mean looking cockerel in there and he's grabbing all of your chickens by the neck and flinging them out the back."

Redneck:"What?"

Driver:"And even weirder - he keeps yelling "No f*ck, no ride!" at the top of his voice!"

Savage Tyrant

I went for an interview for a job in a blacksmiths today.
The blacksmith asked if I had any experience in shoeing horses.
I told him No, but I did once tell a donkey to fûck off!

1mcampo1

I'd tell ye a joke about roof's,

but it would only go over ye're head

Floodric

Wanna hear a joke?


Womens Rights.

Agonist

What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?






A man

Dangerous Man

Agonist wrote: »

What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?






A woman

FYP.

theboss80

MayoForSam wrote: »

Driver:"Well, you got one mean looking cockerel in there and he's grabbing all of your chickens by the neck and flinging them out the back."

Redneck:"What?"

Driver:"And even weirder - he keeps yelling "No f*ck, no ride!" at the top of his voice!"

eh wha?