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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,479 ✭✭✭Hootanany


    What's green and yellow and eats nuts?Gonorrhea.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Galway K9


    Hootanany wrote: »
    What's green and yellow and eats nuts?Gonorrhea.
    eww!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,479 ✭✭✭Hootanany


    Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

    Barman says why the long face?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 269 ✭✭Ahorseofaman


    how about the dyslexic,agnostic,insomniac who stayed up all night wondering was there really a dog


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 773 ✭✭✭D_murph


    how about the dyslexic,agnostic,insomniac who stayed up all night wondering was there really a dog

    That one came from the film Highlander Endgame IIRC ;):D.


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,849 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    did you hear about the Kerry Kamikaze pilot ?

    Both missions were successful


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 27,944 ✭✭✭✭4zn76tysfajdxp


    Newspaper reporter asks Stevie Wonder,

    "Stevie, what is it like to be born blind?"

    Stevie replied,

    "Could have been worse, I could've been born black!"

    ( I've heard that this is a true story )
    Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
    A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
    Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
    The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
    The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
    The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....



    " A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
    stevejr wrote: »
    What's the definition of endless love?

    Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis
    Fago! wrote: »
    374d50d3f6bfef4f2c0563d3974caece.jpg
    RichieC wrote: »
    Why is Steve wonder suing his Agent?

    because he never saw a penny of his earnings.

    I hope Stevie Wonder never sees you guys making fun of him.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,157 ✭✭✭Compton


    I tried to put mypenis as my facebook password but it keeps saying it's too long.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10 theendpoint


    shblob wrote: »
    I tried to put mypenis as my facebook password but it keeps saying it's too long.

    Passing Facebook likes off as your own...doesn't get much lower than that.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 783 ✭✭✭No1J


    What goes in out in out and smells of piss?

    My Granny doing the hockie pockie.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,157 ✭✭✭Compton


    Passing Facebook likes off as your own...doesn't get much lower than that.
    cool story bro. who said it was my own??>

    if you could read properly you'd notice that the thread title is.. best joke ye ever heard.. :rolleyes:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,970 ✭✭✭mufcboy1999


    how much cocaine did charlie sheen take?

    enough to kill two and a half men:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 783 ✭✭✭No1J


    How does a T******(likes driving Hiace's) know that his daughter is on her period?


    His sons cock tastes different.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 352 ✭✭Goldenegg


    What does PRIEST stand for?

    Paedophile
    Rapist
    In
    Every
    Small
    Town


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 34,418 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

    Bert said, I wish that was Sharon Stone.

    George echoed, I wish it was Demi Moore.

    Little Johnny sighed, I wish it was dark . . .


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,165 ✭✭✭Savage Tyrant


    Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,661 ✭✭✭Voodoomelon


    One of my favourites, around the time the Pope died at Easter.

    Whats brown and half eaten? The Popes easter egg.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,207 ✭✭✭longhalloween


    No1J wrote: »
    How does a T******(likes driving Hiace's) know that his daughter is on her period?
    shes only wearin one sock :D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 479 ✭✭ball


    Stastistics say, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,165 ✭✭✭Savage Tyrant


    ball wrote: »
    Stastistics say, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy...

    Probably posted already but...

    Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2 Kafanha


    Whats the difference between Ironman and Iron woman?


    One is a superhero,the other is a simple instruction!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,372 ✭✭✭im invisible


    So I was in the Garda Station yesterday,
    And the lad in front was asking about Garda Clearance so he could visit Australia.

    And I was thinking to myself 'gotta be over 5' 11'' anyway'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,898 ✭✭✭✭seanybiker


    Definition of suspicion ?

    Priest doing press ups in long grass.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,372 ✭✭✭im invisible


    I've been offered 8 venison legs for £50, does anyone think it might be too dear?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 449 ✭✭howyanow


    what did st.patrick say to the snakes whn he was driving them out of ireland?
    are ye alright in the back there lads!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 732 ✭✭✭ynul31f47k6b59


    Paddy goes into Superdrug and asks "Have you got any KY jelly?" The assistant says "No, sorry, have you tried Boots?" Paddy replies "I want to slide in, not fcuking march in!"

    An old lady, aged 85, a virgin, was about to die. She left instructions that her tombstone should read "Born a virgin. Lived a virgin. Died a virgin." The engraver shortened it to "Returned Unopened."

    Three women - one is engaged, one is a mistress, and one is married. They decide to dress up for their men in black leather bras, stilettos, and masks. The next day, the engaged woman and the mistress both agree that they had the best sex ever. The married woman said that her husband came home, took one look at her, and said "What's for dinner, Batman?"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,479 ✭✭✭Hootanany


    The AA has warned the cost of petrol will take poor and needy people off the roads.Shame really... I always look forward to getting my windscreen cleaned at traffic lights


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 150 ✭✭mcgarry098


    a blonde walks into an electrical shop, goes up to the counter and says id like to be this t.v. The man says sorry did you not see the sign " no blonde's allowed, now get out".

    So she walks out of the shop and puts on a brown wig, then goes back in and again goes "hi id like to buy this t.v." The man starts getting angry and says "i told you already no blonde's allowed, now get out".

    So she walks out of the shop takes of her make up and dresses up as a man, she's unrecognisable at this stage, then she goes back into the shop goes up to the counter and says "Hi id like to buy this t.v". The man goes crazy and says "thats it, ill tell you one last time no blonde's allowed, so get out now and dont come back or im calling the gaurds" . the woman says " fine but just tell me this, how do you know im a blonde". the man reply's : " because thats a microwave not a t.v." :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 150 ✭✭mcgarry098


    best joke : womens rights :P


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 732 ✭✭✭ynul31f47k6b59


    [FONT=Trebuchet MS, sans-serif]What have a catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? [/FONT]
    [FONT=Trebuchet MS, sans-serif]Black coat, white collar, and god help your arse if you get a dodgy one.[/FONT]


This discussion has been closed.
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