Depression

walshb · 28-12-2010 4:51pm

Trí wrote: »

Believe me mate, when you have depression, you bloody know about it.

Crying for no reason, a horrible sadness that follows you around 24/7, life seeming hopeless, feeling like you're worthless, contemplating suicide, no motivation to do anything, not getting happy or excited even when good things happen.

Trust me, you know.

And really, it's not really anything to do with being overweight or unfit... eh.. what? Yes exercise can help boost the mood. But just cos you're overweight/unfit, doesn't mean you'll be depressed. It's not something you choose either - why the hell would you? It's horrible.

I disagree that you automatically know. Every person is different, reacts different and suffers differently. Some folks can be suffering and aren't too sure that they are. Subtle depression exists too. It's all about levels. It's a very gray area is depression.

Sardonicat · 28-12-2010 4:55pm

You see, attitudes like this:

wellboy76 wrote: »

How do you know you have depression?

Do overweight or unfit people use it as an excuse?

How does it click into gear is what I'm saying because I bet there are a lot of people who self diagnose themselves incorrectly

and this:

dsmythy wrote: »

Looking at the poll results some people need to distinguish between suffering from depression and having a ****ty month.

contribute to the stigma and prevent people from confiding in their friends and seeking professional support.

dsymthy, longterm sufferers who have got a handle on their condition and are responsible about it are actually very good at distinguishing between having a "****ty month" and suffering form depression. Part of dealing with it is keeping a tab on your emotions and learning to distinguish between a normal "rough" patch and something more serious and learning how to cope with either appropriately.

dsmythy · 28-12-2010 5:10pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

You see, attitudes like this:
and this:

contribute to the stigma and prevent people from confiding in their friends and seeking professional support.

dsymthy, longterm sufferers who have got a handle on their condition and are responsible about it are actually very good at distinguishing between having a "****ty month" and suffering form depression. Part of dealing with it is keeping a tab on your emotions and learning to distinguish between a normal "rough" patch and something more serious and learning how to cope with either appropriately.

Over 80% of respondants to the poll think they have suffered from depression. I seriously doubt it. If people feel a bit down by all means talk to someone about it. If they get worse then go get help. If every bit of sadness is described as depression then you are doing true sufferers no favours by this diluting of the illness.

t0mm13b · 28-12-2010 5:12pm

dsmythy wrote: »

Over 80% of respondants to the poll think they have suffered from depression. I seriously doubt it. If people feel a bit down by all means talk to someone about it. If they get worse then go get help. If every bit of sadness is described as depression then you are doing true sufferers no favours by this diluting of the illness.

IT is your attitude that is what pushing people away and you "seriously doubt it" ... that's saying a lot about yourself!!!! :mad:

28-12-2010 5:12pm

The results were beginning to frighten me somewhat, especially when the people who were suffering and not receiving help were almost double that of those receiving help, but it's good to see that people are getting the help they need.

@dsymthy, why is it so hard to believe? Nobody knows the true statistics for depression sufferers in Ireland, because people are just unwilling to openly admit it. A private poll gives them the opportunity to admit it without their identities being revealed.

opinion guy · 28-12-2010 5:20pm

Ok I want to say something here.
I won't go into my own history, but suffice it to say I can identify with what people are saying in this thread. But I want to contribute something if I may.

I've seen a few people saying - 'if you are depressed just talk, talk to anyone.'

Bitter experience has taught me otherwise. I think its fundamentally important that if you choose to talk to someone it has to be someone who knows how to listen, listening being the most underrated quality of course. Whoever you choose to talk to, be it a friend, a relative, a counsellor, a psychistrist, psychologist or The Samaritans, you need to suss out first and on an ongoing basis - are they REALLY listening to me. By 'listening' I mean accepting what you are telling them without rejection or without reaction even. And very importantly without projecting their own interpretations or issues on to you. I also think that rarely do they need to interfere. If someone is really listening and accepting your story they should not be pointing out where you are logically wrong all the time, or what x or y means, or telling you to get over it or pull yourself together - they should be letting you figure your own way through it.

To be able to tell who is a good listener is not easy to learn. And frankly sometimes I wonder if being good at this is why some people don't get depressed despite horrible circumstances.

Anyhow - its difficult to explain all this properly. Personally I think that depression often (but not always) represents poorly understood negative emotions and the 'cycle of depression' is the mind trying to understand it so it can let things go. My experience is that talking to a bad listener often makes things worse and perpetuates cycles of despair. Sometimes talking to a good listener can make the WORLD of difference.

Dilynnio · 28-12-2010 5:21pm

It does affect everyone differently.

I suffered from it alot more when I was younger than I do now.

I think awareness is a major factor.

You should try educate yourself as best you can about it so then you can recognise it in yourself. Self awareness is so important.

When I start to feel low I understand now why I am feeling this way and I try to change my way of thinking and I set myself little goals to get me threw it.

I also took alcohol out of the equation, it in itself is a depressant. I am off it 3 years now and the change in my personality and how I feel about myself is so much better.

I was also on meds but no more as they had a bad affect on me. I just educated myself and now look after my mental health. I also learned to talk.....to talk to people, not bottle it up, to show emotion, I can't express enough how important communication is.

Don't be ashamed............from the poll that is here there are plenty of us in the same boat and many more too that are still in denial.

Take baby steps.......if your stuck to the bed set yourself a small goal of getting up and having a shower/shave put on some smelly and have a brew....small steps....it will make u feel good about yourself...then the next day do the same thing but also add maybe a step outside for some air.

Contact you GP or even go see a counsellor. If you find it hard to talk about your feelings write them down.

Hope this helps someone. Believe me you are not alone.

opinion guy · 28-12-2010 5:22pm

Perla Green Barrel wrote: »

@dsymthy, why is it so hard to believe? Nobody knows the true statistics for depression sufferers in Ireland, because people are just unwilling to openly admit it. A private poll gives them the opportunity to admit it without their identities being revealed.

Indeed. But also bear in mind that a poll of After Hours users does not represent the population as a whole and it may be that those surfing AH in the middle of a bank holiday are a selfselected group of depression sufferers.

Er whilst that may sounds smartarsed I don't mean it that way I'm actually serious! I spend too much time on here whilst well adjusted people I know are off out doing things and would't dream of being on here

t0mm13b · 28-12-2010 5:37pm

Dilynnio wrote: »

It does affect everyone differently.

Yup, it's everyone's own mechanism/dealing with a personal particular crisis that sets the ball rolling, unfortunately for some... it can do greater damage to their everyday living....

Dilynnio wrote: »

I suffered from it alot more when I was younger than I do now.

I think awareness is a major factor.

You should try educate yourself as best you can about it so then you can recognise it in yourself. Self awareness is so important.

Absolutely.... it can help and you'd be surprised, once you take lock stock and barrel on this depression, and recognize the signs it can actually make life easier for yourself, a lá self awareness.....

Dilynnio wrote: »

When I start to feel low I understand now why I am feeling this way and I try to change my way of thinking and I set myself little goals to get me threw it.

I also took alcohol out of the equation, it in itself is a depressant. I am off it 3 years now and the change in my personality and how I feel about myself is so much better.

I was also on meds but no more as they had a bad affect on me. I just educated myself and now look after my mental health. I also learned to talk.....to talk to people, not bottle it up, to show emotion, I can't express enough how important communication is.

Don't be ashamed............from the poll that is here there are plenty of us in the same boat and many more too that are still in denial.

The denial is the hardest part to break.... look how long it took me to break it... not easy mate... I'm an introverted person and conceal myself emotionally...

Dilynnio wrote: »

Take baby steps.......if your stuck to the bed set yourself a small goal of getting up and having a shower/shave put on some smelly and have a brew....small steps....it will make u feel good about yourself...then the next day do the same thing but also add maybe a step outside for some air.

Yes, or even write it down and force yourself mentally to stick to a goal... the problem is, sometimes you don't feel like facing the world....

Dilynnio wrote: »

Contact you GP or even go see a counsellor. If you find it hard to talk about your feelings write them down.

Hope this helps someone. Believe me you are not alone.

To me , going to the GP was the best thing ever that happened and I did find my GP very compassionate and a good listener...

Some people are good listeners and non-judgemental... others are a cnut and pathetic and in fact can suck even more energy out of you if you're trying to explain how you feel...and end up even more negative, the problem here is that some cnuts would spot that and would play on you and mind-fcuk you... in my earlier posting I thought I had "friends" who werent' really friends... they fcuked me around for so long that I was bordering on insanity.... thankfully I have reconnected with friends from my college days and am "using" that as an anchor to ground myself and to be in touch more than often....

you know who you are if you are reading this.... I

you guys...

opinion guy · 28-12-2010 5:43pm

t0mm13b wrote: »

Some people are good listeners and non-judgemental... others are a cnut and pathetic and in fact can suck even more energy out of you if you're trying to explain how you feel...and end up even more negative, the problem here is that some cnuts would spot that and would play on you and mind-fcuk you... in my earlier posting I thought I had "friends" who werent' really friends... they fcuked me around for so long that I was bordering on insanity.... thankfully I have reconnected with friends from my college days and am "using" that as an anchor to ground myself and to be in touch more than often.... you know who you are if you are reading this.... I you guys...

Ah yeah t0mm13b gets it. To be honest with you I reached a point where I've basically cut out the negative "friends" and retain only the true friends. I wonder if this is something non-depressed people just do by habit from a young age, whereas depressed people haven't learned it very well (not that this is the whole problem but one part of a complex puzzle)

Dilynnio · 28-12-2010 5:49pm

t0mm13b wrote: »

Yes, or even write it down and force yourself mentally to stick to a goal... the problem is, sometimes you don't feel like facing the world....

The point I was trying to make is to try and get yourself out of the bed and to try and break the cycle just by doing something small like having a shower...and yes I do agree it can be hard to face the world but little things make a massive difference otherwise nothing will change for you......only you can take yourself out of the depression and by setting little goals for yourself will make you feel better....so I am just saying try it......it is not going to hurt....and if it does.....well don't do it again.

If you want to get out of it you have to make a little effort to try and change things, to help yourself no one else can...........it did work for me but it may not for anyone else.

knuckledragger · 28-12-2010 5:50pm

I've struggled with it at varying levels for as far back as i can remember, and to some extent have managed to mask it with one of those 'smartarse' things that fellas do, for whatever reason.

Still, no matter how 'smart' 'likable' 'capable' or whatever other (supposedly) encouraging adjectives people throw at me, there's always something telling me that i'm none of those things.

I've often thought about suicide, and at one point about 8/9 months ago, i came very close to doing something final... but for the most part i've been aware that it would likely cause my family a great deal of distress.

...Counselling, drugs, CBT, don't work.... I've become world weary, pretty much incapable of believing in anything, or anyone... it's like living in a sort of a limbo.

If i could just click my fingers and make it as though i'd never existed, i would.

t0mm13b · 28-12-2010 5:51pm

opinion guy wrote: »

Ah yeah t0mm13b gets it. To be honest with you I reached a point where I've basically cut out the negative "friends" and retain only the true friends. I wonder if this is something non-depressed people just do by habit from a young age, whereas depressed people haven't learned it very well (not that this is the whole problem but one part of a complex puzzle)

Yeah.... being deaf makes things all a bit more trickier for my life, some cnuts can actually play up on to that .... when you're in a position of vulnerability, those cnuts can actually abuse you without realizing it... am not exactly "street smart" as have had a sheltered upbringing with being deaf and all...and hence an introverted person... that's something I intend to deal with and change in 2011....

SeaFields · 28-12-2010 5:54pm

I have known serious depression in my family which included suicide attempts and three years in a psychiatric hospital. It affected me in later life, when i grew up I suppose, and reflected on all that went on. Luckily I have some close friends and one 'distant' family member that i am very close to who helped me through it (who happens to be a senior clinical psychologist which was a bit of luck

)

I am close to needing a second hand to count the lads that have died when i look at my communion photo from school - albeit 20+ years ago now. Ten minutes ago my girlfriends parents left the house to attend a wake of a lad of 17 who took his own life on Stevens night after he got home from a night out.

If you are feeling it lads go and talk to someone. I would recommend your GP as being first port of call (others may differ on this). No one will judge. No one needs know if thats your preference. Help is there, believe me. Don't bottle it up.

Well done OP on a very appropriate thread.

stupidusername · 28-12-2010 6:01pm

It annoys me to see these adverts about your mental health etc and saying talk to someone bla bla bla, because it's like a pathetic attempt at the HSE trying to say they're dealing with depression and mental illnesses , when really they do nothing.

I've been diagnosed as having depression. I'm unsure if I do or not, but I know there's something wrong with the way I deal with everything. I think it's just the way I am though. I think it's because of the way I was brought up and the family that I have. I'm on meds since May of last year and am unsure as to whether or not there's been any difference in me since then. I'm in the middle of coming off them, so I guess in a while I'll see if they did anything.

When I get down, when everything gets on top of me and I cannot see solutions to things I think of suicide. and that's wrong. I think about it way too often. Sometimes I come closer to it then other times. and my attitude towards it scares me sometimes. It's not that I want to die, it's that I've never been happy, I don't know how to make things better for myself. and I have no one to help. Only recently because I had to, I told my father I'm on anti depressants, and my sister also knows, but no one has spoken to me about it. I'm in a fairly bad situation at the moment, but not for a second would I consider talking to my family about it because they don't care. Ya if I actually tried to kill myself they'd be shocked and might send me for help then, but unless it got to that point, no one gives a shit. It's laughable to think of going to one of them and saying 'i'm feeling a bit low' or 'i need to talk'.

My best friend is probably the only reason I'm still alive. He's the one person I can talk to. but even when it comes to talking to him about just how bad I'm feeling I've to watch what I say because he can't deal with it well. As somebody else said, not many people know how to listen. I don't talk about this to get attention, I just need somebody to listen and to care, without me having to worry about freaking them out, or what they're going to think of me, if they think I'm just seeking attention.

I will never phone the samaritans as I think they're a useless bunch. I don't like speaking on the phone, so I emailed them a couple of times before but it's not someone listening, being understanding or anything like that. well in my experience it wasn't. it was cold, and machine like even. but then I suppose what can you expect from a stranger. Everyone says if you're feeling this way, talk to someone, but talk to who exactly? That's my problem, there is nobody. I've seen two different counsellors and while the second one helped me see why I feel a certain way about things, she never helped me deal with things better. I'm currently on my fourth anti depressant. And I can't afford to go to another counsellor. So what do I do? It's easy to say talk to someone but what if the person you're saying it to doesn't have anyone? GPs aren't sympathetic, they're clinical, and they'll put you on meds and give you a phone number for a counsellor. That's not help.

Sardonicat · 28-12-2010 6:08pm

t0mm13b wrote: »

Yeah.... being deaf makes things all a bit more trickier for my life, some cnuts can actually play up on to that .... when you're in a position of vulnerability, those cnuts can actually abuse you without realizing it... am not exactly "street smart" as have had a sheltered upbringing with being deaf and all...and hence an introverted person... that's something I intend to deal with and change in 2011....

Some people seem to require someone with as broken wing that they can fix. This, in my experience, is often about a power play and them needing to feel better about themselves by comparing themselves to you. You must understand that your role in a realtionship like this is to be grateful to them and to follow any piece of their ill-informed advice to the letter and not about giving you real support. When your juggement is clouded by depression it can be hard to see this dynamic for what it is. When the cloud lifts it can come as shock but it's also an a bit of life education. You get better at spotting and avoiding these types and better at taking care of yourself and your moods.

I agree with a lot of Opinion Guy's estimation about what depression is. Finding someone who could listen was the key for me. I hope this experience has made me a better listener. A non-judgemental and accepting ear is worth a thousand times more than any well-intentioned pep-talk and is the key to deeper self-awareness.

af_thefragile · 28-12-2010 6:10pm

stupidusername wrote: »

It annoys me to see these adverts about your mental health etc and saying talk to someone bla bla bla, because it's like a pathetic attempt at the HSE trying to say they're dealing with depression and mental illnesses , when really they do nothing.

I've been diagnosed as having depression. I'm unsure if I do or not, but I know there's something wrong with the way I deal with everything. I think it's just the way I am though. I think it's because of the way I was brought up and the family that I have. I'm on meds since May of last year and am unsure as to whether or not there's been any difference in me since then. I'm in the middle of coming off them, so I guess in a while I'll see if they did anything.

When I get down, when everything gets on top of me and I cannot see solutions to things I think of suicide. and that's wrong. I think about it way too often. Sometimes I come closer to it then other times. and my attitude towards it scares me sometimes. It's not that I want to die, it's that I've never been happy, I don't know how to make things better for myself. and I have no one to help. Only recently because I had to, I told my father I'm on anti depressants, and my sister also knows, but no one has spoken to me about it. I'm in a fairly bad situation at the moment, but not for a second would I consider talking to my family about it because they don't care. Ya if I actually tried to kill myself they'd be shocked and might send me for help then, but unless it got to that point, no one gives a shit. It's laughable to think of going to one of them and saying 'i'm feeling a bit low' or 'i need to talk'.

My best friend is probably the only reason I'm still alive. He's the one person I can talk to. but even when it comes to talking to him about just how bad I'm feeling I've to watch what I say because he can't deal with it well. As somebody else said, not many people know how to listen. I don't talk about this to get attention, I just need somebody to listen and to care, without me having to worry about freaking them out, or what they're going to think of me, if they think I'm just seeking attention.

I will never phone the samaritans as I think they're a useless bunch. I don't like speaking on the phone, so I emailed them a couple of times before but it's not someone listening, being understanding or anything like that. well in my experience it wasn't. it was cold, and machine like even. but then I suppose what can you expect from a stranger. Everyone says if you're feeling this way, talk to someone, but talk to who exactly? That's my problem, there is nobody. I've seen two different counsellors and while the second one helped me see why I feel a certain way about things, she never helped me deal with things better. I'm currently on my fourth anti depressant. And I can't afford to go to another counsellor. So what do I do? It's easy to say talk to someone but what if the person you're saying it to doesn't have anyone? GPs aren't sympathetic, they're clinical, and they'll put you on meds and give you a phone number for a counsellor. That's not help.

When I was going through a bad state, I posted on the Personal Issues forum a lot. Sometimes with my account, sometimes as anonymous.

I was the same. I only had a best friend to talk to but then he wasn't a good listener either so I really couldn't really talk much to him. I ended up venting it out in PI then and I have to say it is a brilliant forum if you need someone to talk to. I'll agree the samaritans are useless. I mailed them a couple of time as well and the responses didn't help a bit. But you'll get much better responses here on boards.

Dilynnio · 28-12-2010 6:13pm

stupidusername wrote: »

It annoys me to see these adverts about your mental health etc and saying talk to someone bla bla bla, because it's like a pathetic attempt at the HSE trying to say they're dealing with depression and mental illnesses , when really they do nothing.

I've been diagnosed as having depression. I'm unsure if I do or not, but I know there's something wrong with the way I deal with everything. I think it's just the way I am though. I think it's because of the way I was brought up and the family that I have. I'm on meds since May of last year and am unsure as to whether or not there's been any difference in me since then. I'm in the middle of coming off them, so I guess in a while I'll see if they did anything.

When I get down, when everything gets on top of me and I cannot see solutions to things I think of suicide. and that's wrong. I think about it way too often. Sometimes I come closer to it then other times. and my attitude towards it scares me sometimes. It's not that I want to die, it's that I've never been happy, I don't know how to make things better for myself. and I have no one to help. Only recently because I had to, I told my father I'm on anti depressants, and my sister also knows, but no one has spoken to me about it. I'm in a fairly bad situation at the moment, but not for a second would I consider talking to my family about it because they don't care. Ya if I actually tried to kill myself they'd be shocked and might send me for help then, but unless it got to that point, no one gives a shit. It's laughable to think of going to one of them and saying 'i'm feeling a bit low' or 'i need to talk'.

My best friend is probably the only reason I'm still alive. He's the one person I can talk to. but even when it comes to talking to him about just how bad I'm feeling I've to watch what I say because he can't deal with it well. As somebody else said, not many people know how to listen. I don't talk about this to get attention, I just need somebody to listen and to care, without me having to worry about freaking them out, or what they're going to think of me, if they think I'm just seeking attention.

I will never phone the samaritans as I think they're a useless bunch. I don't like speaking on the phone, so I emailed them a couple of times before but it's not someone listening, being understanding or anything like that. well in my experience it wasn't. it was cold, and machine like even. but then I suppose what can you expect from a stranger. Everyone says if you're feeling this way, talk to someone, but talk to who exactly? That's my problem, there is nobody. I've seen two different counsellors and while the second one helped me see why I feel a certain way about things, she never helped me deal with things better. I'm currently on my fourth anti depressant. And I can't afford to go to another counsellor. So what do I do? It's easy to say talk to someone but what if the person you're saying it to doesn't have anyone? GPs aren't sympathetic, they're clinical, and they'll put you on meds and give you a phone number for a counsellor. That's not help.

OP it took me my 8th counsellor until someone finally got through to me......now this may not be the case for everyone but I was bad and this was over several years but I knew there was something wrong with me and that I wanted to change and wanted to be happy so I persevered at it. As a result my life has changed for the better.

For me I needed to love me and accept me and that took a long time but now I do. Its hard work, its raw, its emotional, you will bare your soul but I would not change all that hard work and tears for the world.

I believe that if a person really really really wants change and is not afraid of it and is willing to put in the work they will achieve it. Mental health really is something that only the person who is suffering needs to work at no one can do it for them but there is guidance and people who can support and help you.

Ok I will be quite now......just something I am passionate about.

AntiMatter · 28-12-2010 6:15pm

knuckledragger wrote: »

I've struggled with it at varying levels for as far back as i can remember, and to some extent have managed to mask it with one of those 'smartarse' things that fellas do, for whatever reason.

Still, no matter how 'smart' 'likable' 'capable' or whatever other (supposedly) encouraging adjectives people throw at me, there's always something telling me that i'm none of those things.

I've often thought about suicide, and at one point about 8/9 months ago, i came very close to doing something final... but for the most part i've been aware that it would likely cause my family a great deal of distress.

...Counselling, drugs, CBT, don't work.... I've become world weary, pretty much incapable of believing in anything, or anyone... it's like living in a sort of a limbo.

If i could just click my fingers and make it as though i'd never existed, i would.

Sorry to hear your feeling like that.

Personally, I've found meditation to be a great tool for dealing with depression. That and not isolating yourself from friends and family.

Good luck with it.

Dilynnio · 28-12-2010 6:16pm

knuckledragger wrote: »

I've struggled with it at varying levels for as far back as i can remember, and to some extent have managed to mask it with one of those 'smartarse' things that fellas do, for whatever reason.

Still, no matter how 'smart' 'likable' 'capable' or whatever other (supposedly) encouraging adjectives people throw at me, there's always something telling me that i'm none of those things.

I've often thought about suicide, and at one point about 8/9 months ago, i came very close to doing something final... but for the most part i've been aware that it would likely cause my family a great deal of distress.

...Counselling, drugs, CBT, don't work.... I've become world weary, pretty much incapable of believing in anything, or anyone... it's like living in a sort of a limbo.

If i could just click my fingers and make it as though i'd never existed, i would.

I hope that some of the replies on this thread may help you. I can't really advise you as I am not a trained counsellor. We can all just share our experiences and hope that some of it may help others.

KeithM89_old · 28-12-2010 6:17pm

I never did but a very good friend kept quiet about for a long time and tried to take his own life. Silence is a killer...

Sardonicat · 28-12-2010 6:22pm

KeithM89 wrote: »

I never did but a very good friend kept quiet about for a long time and tried to take his own life. Silence is a killer...

I hope your friend is doing better now, Keith.

Wolfe Tone · 28-12-2010 6:23pm

Ive suffered with what I will call depression over the past year or so, strangely the happiest time was when I was doing my LC. I go through periods of time where I will feel sh!t for no reason, and get really upset at the stupidest things, and really angry at others. Generally I will simply piss away my days on the internet, and not leave my room. Its quite depressing, as I had convinced myself that if I did xyz, got my points etc, college would somehow magically make me happier, it hasn't, despite meeting a lot of cool people and stuff.

I don't want to go and talk to anyone about it because I am too embarrassed and ashamed, my parents don't know about it, and I want to keep it that way. In fact, Im willing to bet that the few posters here I know in real life would end up treating me differently if they read this, I don't want to be treated with cotton wool, or as if I am about to top myself at any given moment. So the plan is to keep going and things will hopefully get better. I imagine many people are in the same boat as me.

starviewadams · 28-12-2010 6:26pm

stupidusername wrote: »

It annoys me to see these adverts about your mental health etc and saying talk to someone bla bla bla, because it's like a pathetic attempt at the HSE trying to say they're dealing with depression and mental illnesses , when really they do nothing.

I've been diagnosed as having depression. I'm unsure if I do or not, but I know there's something wrong with the way I deal with everything. I think it's just the way I am though. I think it's because of the way I was brought up and the family that I have. I'm on meds since May of last year and am unsure as to whether or not there's been any difference in me since then. I'm in the middle of coming off them, so I guess in a while I'll see if they did anything.

When I get down, when everything gets on top of me and I cannot see solutions to things I think of suicide. and that's wrong. I think about it way too often. Sometimes I come closer to it then other times. and my attitude towards it scares me sometimes. It's not that I want to die, it's that I've never been happy, I don't know how to make things better for myself. and I have no one to help. Only recently because I had to, I told my father I'm on anti depressants, and my sister also knows, but no one has spoken to me about it. I'm in a fairly bad situation at the moment, but not for a second would I consider talking to my family about it because they don't care. Ya if I actually tried to kill myself they'd be shocked and might send me for help then, but unless it got to that point, no one gives a shit. It's laughable to think of going to one of them and saying 'i'm feeling a bit low' or 'i need to talk'.

My best friend is probably the only reason I'm still alive. He's the one person I can talk to. but even when it comes to talking to him about just how bad I'm feeling I've to watch what I say because he can't deal with it well. As somebody else said, not many people know how to listen. I don't talk about this to get attention, I just need somebody to listen and to care, without me having to worry about freaking them out, or what they're going to think of me, if they think I'm just seeking attention.

I will never phone the samaritans as I think they're a useless bunch. I don't like speaking on the phone, so I emailed them a couple of times before but it's not someone listening, being understanding or anything like that. well in my experience it wasn't. it was cold, and machine like even. but then I suppose what can you expect from a stranger. Everyone says if you're feeling this way, talk to someone, but talk to who exactly? That's my problem, there is nobody. I've seen two different counsellors and while the second one helped me see why I feel a certain way about things, she never helped me deal with things better. I'm currently on my fourth anti depressant. And I can't afford to go to another counsellor. So what do I do? It's easy to say talk to someone but what if the person you're saying it to doesn't have anyone? GPs aren't sympathetic, they're clinical, and they'll put you on meds and give you a phone number for a counsellor. That's not help.

I think its pot luck more then anything when it comes to mental health services with the HSE.Every Doctor or Psychologist that I've come across in my local mental clinic have been brilliant and very understanding and supportive and most importantly free of charge,but I know from hearing other peoples experiences with them that the service in other areas ranges from good to woeful.

Agree with you on the samaritans though,I emailed them a few times aswell and I got a very cold or most probably automated response back from them.Maybe if you actually phone them up their advice is better but I also am very bad at talking on the phone so it wasnt really an option.

Sardonicat · 28-12-2010 6:31pm

MUSSOLINI wrote: »

Ive suffered with what I will call depression over the past year or so, strangely the happiest time was when I was doing my LC. I go through periods of time where I will feel sh!t for no reason, and get really upset at the stupidest things, and really angry at others. Generally I will simply piss away my days on the internet, and not leave my room. Its quite depressing, as I had convinced myself that if I did xyz, got my points etc, college would somehow magically make me happier, it hasn't, despite meeting a lot of cool people and stuff.

I don't want to go and talk to anyone about it because I am too embarrassed and ashamed, my parents don't know about it, and I want to keep it that way. In fact, Im willing to bet that the few posters here I know in real life would end up treating me differently if they read this, I don't want to be treated with cotton wool, or as if I am about to top myself at any given moment. So the plan is to keep going and things will hopefully get better. I imagine many people are in the same boat as me.

Why do you feel embarrasment and shame, Mussolini?

Naikon · 28-12-2010 6:36pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

Why do you feel embarrasment and shame, Mussolini?

I think it might be due to the percieved stigma with Depression. I mean, if he went to a doctor and got medication, what is to say the doctors won't label him "Depressive" or something. I mean, what are the implications for insurance and the like with Depression?. Basically, I am in the camp that IF you can keep quiet about it, keep it that way. Information can be used against you in more ways than you think...

quickbeam · 28-12-2010 6:37pm

stupidusername - I could have written your post. I agree with everything you've said. No way would I talk to my family about how I feel; I don't have any very close friends and those I do try to talk to mean well but don't help and I can't constantly talk to them about my worries or they'd never want to be around me; I've tried GPs and they were worse than useless and I had to fight to get a referral to a counsellor. I've tried numerous counsellors and these people who I'm paying to help don't even seem to understand me and only make me feel worse. I have given up trying counselling and am trying to accept that this is just how life is for me. I've not tried suicide and I'm pretty sure I never will but I do fantasize about it during the bad days. I hate those HSE adverts as it's all well and good saying to talk to somebody but some people don't have that option.

Wolfe Tone · 28-12-2010 6:39pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

Why do you feel embarrasment and shame, Mussolini?

A number of reasons, probably because when I look at my life, I am very lucky when compared to others, what do I have to be down about? I am healthy, relatively fit, have good friends, have a good life style, loving family, am doing the course I really wanted to do, etc etc, A far as I can see there is no reason why I should feel the way I do. There are people much worse off and they dont go around moaning about how unhappy they are.

As some have said people would interpret that as weakness, or that I am messed up in the head, that type of thing. And I certainly dont want people to think that about me.

Sardonicat · 28-12-2010 6:41pm

Naikon wrote: »

I think it might be due to the percieved stigma with Depression. I mean, if he went to a doctor and got medication, what is to say the doctors won't label him "Depressive" or something. I mean, what are the implications for insurance and the like with Depression. Basically, I am in the camp that IF you can keep quiet about it, keep it that way. Information can be used against you in more ways than you think...

I'm aware of the very real stigma and why you need to be cautious about who and if to disclose to. But embarrasment and shame don't necessarily derive from this so I don't want to assume.

t0mm13b · 28-12-2010 6:41pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

Why do you feel embarrasment and shame, Mussolini?

Can I add something to this - the humilation and the shame of it being a helpless lamb waiting for the slaughter, with the state of mentality - it is utterly the lowest and the most humiliating - sure life got you in the ass and lost all self-respect, self-dignity and self-worth.... it's understandable.... but people like cnuts do not understand that - if you want to, you have to go through the ultimate, its like you're in a four walled area of your life, totally in isolation, and the walls are growing in around you making it impossible to move no matter which way you turn.... that's when you realize the shame and humiliation because you thought you'd have the strength but instead a weakling.... horrible feeling and am sorry to say that but.... its when people read this and realize the extent behind the words of the struggle to overcome that....

IT is very very difficult to explain.... unfortunately for cnuts who spout the epithet of life, spout b.s when in that state, - you'd believe them.... its not easy to put into words.... as an example of a cnut - read this "ever since you turned your back on religion you went down hard and fast man....." that is from a family member who, actually, word-for-word said that to me....that's sh!t and is not warranted but it shows the amount of apathy there.... and that person is going around acting holier-than-thou.....

Depression

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