Embarrassing sexual antics

fman wrote: »

That's what Hitler said

dr ro wrote: »

heard about a guy once who had a career ending thrusting mishap when he thrust straight between her legs and hit a wall. Real Serious damage.

HalloweenJack wrote: »

...............Next thing, I could feel something licking my balls. I shat myself (figuratively). I swiped a hand behind my balls and smacked the gf's family dog. He was a small British Bulldog and in the darkness I hadn't seen him come in when the door opened.

ShagNastii wrote: »

Ha ! I’m loving some of the stories. I really shouldn’t post this as it probably paints me as a total perv, freak, sexual deviant, idiot, gom, tool, git, perv, communist and a perv. But hell, I’ve been up for over 48 hours working on my thesis and I can feel both the bodily shut down and craziness setting in. I’ve never told anyone this except for the other person involved but I’m sure she has at this stage have told a fair few people wiling to listen to a story which could only be described as an extremely painful lesson I should have learnt as a child many many moons ago. DON’T F*CK AROUND WHEN THERE ARE DOORS AJAR.


Well here goes- this time last year I had reached that lovely period in a relationship I was having at the time. It was the time when you finally know each other and you make it your duty to lock yourselves in a room for ludicrous amounts of time and have sex, sex and more sex. Doesn’t have a name but we all know this “at it like rabbits time” which always makes the early stages of a relationship amazing. I’d been with the girl for a few months and so we were pretty much at ease with whatever we did.

I think it was about this time last year when Leinster beat Munster in the Heineken cup. Anytime Leinster now play Munster it will remind me of this faithful day *makes sign of the cross*. So deciding neither of us fancied going to the match we commenced a love in for the day early in the afternoon (please excuse the crudeness but it seems this thread is no holds barred, Don’t want to come across sleezey???)

We were havin mad lovin and enjoying ourselves big style. I’ll pathetically try stroke my ego and say after the fifth or sixth session my ex said she had to go it the toilet. I flaked out on the bed wreaked but with himself still stood sky high. I laid down on the bed playing tent until I got up and like a total spastic started to swagger around the room dancing and prancing with a total stalk on. I shouted at my ex to come on but she ignored me. I casually walked to bedroom n shouted to my girlfriend “I’m coming in”. She shouted back for me to stop acting the maggot. I grabbed a towl and hung it on my lad. Laughing I shouted to herself “guess what I’m doing”. She replied with a “boys ? they just can’t help themselves kinda tone- “Let me guess hanging something on your cock?”. The bitch how did she guess?


So I’m still outside the bedroom acting like a four year old child teasing my girlfriend I’m going to burst in as she so was on the toilet!!! Oh the hilarity!!!!! I move closer to the bathroom door and notice it is slightly open. I again for some stupid unbeknownst reason continue to blagard that I’m going barge in (I guess I was giddy or maybe giggady from all the festivities) . I was made for the craic and banter. I leaned on the wall continuing to chat to my ex as she was behind the door. All of a sudden what can only be described as the world most F*cked and unfunny idea came into my head.


My head/brain: Shagnastii, It would be the funniest thing in history if you edged the door about with your erect penis. And made some sort of a gun noise or maybe the theme from jaws as the one eyes monster lurked around the door to frighten –insert ex name here-.......................................(OT but I really think you people here on boards.ie are getting to see my mental breakdown)


Why I thought this would be amusing or funny is beyond me. So anyway I shout at the top of my voice like Murv from Home Alone, “HARRY I’M COMING IN”. I then progressed to make movements towards the door like a knight with one of those stick thingys. I got closer and closer to the door which was ajar hopefully sure to be whipping it open with a hearty “Daaaaannnnaaaahhhh” and the world would have exploded with the greatness of the feat. Not likely, the second the top of my langer hit gap in the door my ex pushed over the door thinking I was about to walk in. THUDDDD!!!!!!! I can still here it now. I’m surprised the door didn’t close shut it was pushed so hard. The pain was terrible and I let out the loudest scream I am sure anyone was ever let out as I stumbled across the floor back to the bed area. My girlfriend rose straight away and was like “what the fu*k just happened”. She saw me holding my goods and just said “holy Sh*t what were you at”. I looked down and there was blood. There wasn’t much be it was really red. I was crapping myself, I shouted to get some tissues. They only seemed to make it worst the pain was settling when my ex told me to get into the shower. I showered until all the blood went away and the bleeding stopped. I came back out of the shower after about tens minutes and my girlfriend just looked as if to say “Well ya won’t be doing that again” she laugh and rightfully called me a feckin eejit. I was really delicate but it wasn’t anything which needed stitches or anything so I guess it wasn’t too drastic. We had no more sex that night. I sulked with a really sore willie as we watched the highlights of the game as all her drunken housemates arrived home. Eh this stories hasn’t really an ending as such. I really wish I was a troll story but it did in fact happen.

Emmmmmmmmm Ok thank you for your time.

Live long and prosper. And be careful you only ever get one of them. (Why did I find the need to post this, please ban me from boards.ie for being an idiot)

ShagNastii wrote: »

Posted this drunk one night in TLL. Probably my finest hour on boards.





And by the way my mate Jay has done much worse stuff. He once was fingering a dutch girl and she shat on his arm.

Princess Peach wrote: »

Gag reflex....

Princess Peach wrote: »

I've thought about it. I've looked at my hand. I've moved my thumb a bit. But no, I don't get it

ShagNastii wrote: »

How is this bad did you dip your penis into the tub to apply it?

Mrmoe wrote: »

A few years back I shared a house with a guy who was gay. He always used to get fairly drunk and bring random people back to the house that he met in a nightclub. After coming out he started to frequent a lot more gay bars/clubs but the same behavior continued.

One night he arrives home with some random people he met. I'm in my own room sleeping, I hear them come in but fall back to sleep quickly again. After a while I am awoken again by some noise this time in my own room by some guy standing in the darkness by the side of my bed. I reach for the bedside lamp and he zips up his pants, I ask him what the hell he is doing , he says he is in the wrong room and leaves fairly quickly. I have no idea how long he was standing there.

After a while the same thing happens again this time he has his cock in his hand. I tell him to get out in no uncertain terms. He mumbles something about how did he end up in here again and zips his pants up as he leaves. I get up and lock my bedroom door. I moved out not too long after that.