your worst dates/sex/relationships etc..... Ladies & Lads!

speedboatchase · 04-05-2010 4:43pm

Jenneke87 wrote: »

I was at a friends party, and I got talking to this guy and we got off really great, had a lot of simular interests and so on. To cut a long story short, he went home with me. In the heath of things we forgot to use a condom, and he freaked out completely after hearing that. I told him not to worry, and that I would go to the doctor first thing in the morning. He hurridly pushed 50E in my hand saying::" Do you mind if I pay for it?", at first thinking he was implying something totally different untill I realised he wanted to pay for the morning after pill. All the while, he was acting really panicky, muttering things, pushing me away and I was standing there baffled. Surely it´s not a pleasant situation but to freak out like that....

Turned out he wasn´t freaking out over the morning after pill but that he went home with the wrong woman that night. He had a girlfriend of three years and they were about to get engaged......

Ye huuuuer, leading that fine young man astray like that

Jenneke87 · 04-05-2010 4:52pm

speedboatchase wrote: »

Ye huuuuer, leading that fine young man astray like that

Indeed I am, it gives me such a thrill to do that....:P

If only I had known on the day itself that he had a girlfriend instead of finding out three weeks later

Apres Moi · 04-05-2010 8:25pm

Jenneke87 wrote: »

I was at a friends party, and I got talking to this guy and we got off really great, had a lot of simular interests and so on. To cut a long story short, he went home with me. In the heath of things we forgot to use a condom, and he freaked out completely after hearing that. I told him not to worry, and that I would go to the doctor first thing in the morning. He hurridly pushed 50E in my hand saying::" Do you mind if I pay for it?", at first thinking he was implying something totally different untill I realised he wanted to pay for the morning after pill. All the while, he was acting really panicky, muttering things, pushing me away and I was standing there baffled. Surely it´s not a pleasant situation but to freak out like that....

Turned out he wasn´t freaking out over the morning after pill but that he went home with the wrong woman that night. He had a girlfriend of three years and they were about to get engaged......

Oh s**t, that puts my story in its place.

ShagNastii · 04-05-2010 9:38pm

Ha ! I’m loving some of the stories. I really shouldn’t post this as it probably paints me as a total perv, freak, sexual deviant, idiot, gom, tool, git, perv, communist and a perv. But hell, I’ve been up for over 48 hours working on my thesis and I can feel both the bodily shut down and craziness setting in. I’ve never told anyone this except for the other person involved but I’m sure she has at this stage have told a fair few people wiling to listen to a story which could only be described as an extremely painful lesson I should have learnt as a child many many moons ago. DON’T F*CK AROUND WHEN THERE ARE DOORS AJAR.

Well here goes- this time last year I had reached that lovely period in a relationship I was having at the time. It was the time when you finally know each other and you make it your duty to lock yourselves in a room for ludicrous amounts of time and have sex, sex and more sex. Doesn’t have a name but we all know this “at it like rabbits time” which always makes the early stages of a relationship amazing. I’d been with the girl for a few months and so we were pretty much at ease with whatever we did.

I think it was about this time last year when Leinster beat Munster in the Heineken cup. Anytime Leinster now play Munster it will remind me of this faithful day *makes sign of the cross*. So deciding neither of us fancied going to the match we commenced a love in for the day early in the afternoon (please excuse the crudeness but it seems this thread is no holds barred, Don’t want to come across sleezey???)

We were havin mad lovin and enjoying ourselves big style. I’ll pathetically try stroke ego and say after the fifth or sixth session my ex said she had to go it the toilet. I flaked out on the bed wreaked but with himself still stood sky high. I laid down on the bed playing tent until I got up and like a total spastic started to swagger around the room dancing and prancing with a total stalk on. I shouted at my ex to come on but she ignored me. I casually walked to bedroom n shouted to my girlfriend “I’m coming in”. She shouted back for me to stop acting the maggot. I grabbed a throw and hung it on my lad. Laughing I shouted to herself “guess what I’m doing”. She replied with a “boys ? they just can’t help themselves kinda tone- “Let me guess hanging something on your cock?”. The bitch how did she guess?

So I’m still outside the bedroom acting like a four year old child teasing my girlfriend I’m going to burst in as she so was on the toilet!!! Oh the hilarity!!!!! I move closer to the bathroom door and notice it is slightly open. I again for some stupid unbeknownst reason continue to blagard that I’m going barge in (I guess I was giddy or maybe giggady from all the festivities) . I was made for the craic and banter. I leaned on the wall continuing to chat to my ex as she was behind the door. All of a sudden what can only be described as the world most F*cked and unfunny idea came into my head.

My head/brain: Shagnastii, It would be the funniest thing in history if you edged the door about with your erect penis. And made some sort of a gun noise or maybe the theme from jaws as the one eyes monster lurked around the door to frighten –insert ex name here-.......................................(OT but I really think you people here on boards.ie are getting to see my mental breakdown)

Why I thought this would be amusing or funny is beyond me. So anyway I shout at the top of my voice like Murv from Home Alone, “HARRY I’M COMING IN”. I then progressed to make movements towards the door like a knight with one of those stick thingys. I got closer and closer to the door which was ajar hopefully sure to be whipping it open with a hearty “Daaaaannnnaaaahhhh” and the world would have exploded with the greatness of the feat. Not likely, the second the top of my langer hit gap in the door my ex pushed over the door thinking I was about to walk in. THUDDDD!!!!!!! I can still here it now. I’m surpised the door didn’t close shut it was pushed so hard. The pain was terrible and I let out the loudest scream I am sure anyone was ever let out as I stumbled across the floor back to the bed area. My girlfriend rose straight away and was like “what the fu*k just happened”. She saw me holding my goods and just said “holy Sh*t what were you at”. I looked down and there was blood. There wasn’t much be it was really red. I was crapping myself, I shouted to get some tissues. They only seemed to make it worst the pain was settling when my ex told me to get into the shower. I showered until all the blood went away and the bleeding stopped. I came back out of the shower after about tens minutes and my girlfriend just looked as if to say “Well ya won’t be doing that again” she laugh and rightfully called me a feckin eejit. I was really delicate but it wasn’t anything which needed stitches or anything so I guess it wasn’t too drastic. We had no more sex that night. I sulked with a really sore willie as we watched the highlights of the game as all her drunken housemates arrived home. Eh this stories hasn’t really an ending as such. I really wish I was a troll story but it did in fact happen.

Emmmmmmmmm Ok thank you for your time.

Live long and prosper. And be careful you only ever get one of them. (Why did I find the need to post this, please ban me from boards.ie for being an idiot)

SarahMs · 04-05-2010 9:42pm

at a bbq over the weekend....... the fella that was having it had all his relations over aswell..... good night as it went on people started leaving... then one of the lads comes over 'it's a great night, convinced some young one to give me head, said i'd take her out for dinner on friday' one of the other lads' who was it?' he points out a very drunk young girl 'dude thats my fing cousin.... shes 16 and her Dads right there' needless to say things kicked off and I was glad I was driving!

Erica<3 · 04-05-2010 11:21pm

Worst date I've ever had was the guy who i had been talking to for about 2 weeks before the date, and then he went funny on the day and only mentioned AFTERWARDS he was on the rebound from the gf who kissed someone else at a party, found out he was going out with someone else (me) and freaked out, saying she wanted him back. I only realise in hindsight that he was super thick and i wasn't remotely attracted to him.

It's been a good while since I've had bad sex, the last time i had really bad sex was like 2 years ago, with a guy who could barely figure out where to put it so he was just thrusting at nothing basically, he only copped it when he looked down and saw the bemused expression on my face. I was so pissed off at that stage and finished giving him the benefit of the doubt that i said to him (in Italian, which, any guy who has ever had an italian woman pissed off at him knows that it's a bit on the scary side) 'What the **** are you ****ing? Because it definitely isn't me!'

I can laugh about it now but at the time I was livid.

1c1a · 10-05-2010 1:45pm

ShagNastii wrote: »

Ha ! I’m loving some of the stories. I really shouldn’t post this as it probably paints me as a total perv, freak, sexual deviant, idiot, gom, tool, git, perv, communist and a perv. But hell, I’ve been up for over 48 hours working on my thesis and I can feel both the bodily shut down and craziness setting in. I’ve never told anyone this except for the other person involved but I’m sure she has at this stage have told a fair few people wiling to listen to a story which could only be described as an extremely painful lesson I should have learnt as a child many many moons ago. DON’T F*CK AROUND WHEN THERE ARE DOORS AJAR.

Well here goes- this time last year I had reached that lovely period in a relationship I was having at the time. It was the time when you finally know each other and you make it your duty to lock yourselves in a room for ludicrous amounts of time and have sex, sex and more sex. Doesn’t have a name but we all know this “at it like rabbits time” which always makes the early stages of a relationship amazing. I’d been with the girl for a few months and so we were pretty much at ease with whatever we did.

I think it was about this time last year when Leinster beat Munster in the Heineken cup. Anytime Leinster now play Munster it will remind me of this faithful day *makes sign of the cross*. So deciding neither of us fancied going to the match we commenced a love in for the day early in the afternoon (please excuse the crudeness but it seems this thread is no holds barred, Don’t want to come across sleezey???)

We were havin mad lovin and enjoying ourselves big style. I’ll pathetically try stroke ego and say after the fifth or sixth session my ex said she had to go it the toilet. I flaked out on the bed wreaked but with himself still stood sky high. I laid down on the bed playing tent until I got up and like a total spastic started to swagger around the room dancing and prancing with a total stalk on. I shouted at my ex to come on but she ignored me. I casually walked to bedroom n shouted to my girlfriend “I’m coming in”. She shouted back for me to stop acting the maggot. I grabbed a throw and hung it on my lad. Laughing I shouted to herself “guess what I’m doing”. She replied with a “boys ? they just can’t help themselves kinda tone- “Let me guess hanging something on your cock?”. The bitch how did she guess?

So I’m still outside the bedroom acting like a four year old child teasing my girlfriend I’m going to burst in as she so was on the toilet!!! Oh the hilarity!!!!! I move closer to the bathroom door and notice it is slightly open. I again for some stupid unbeknownst reason continue to blagard that I’m going barge in (I guess I was giddy or maybe giggady from all the festivities) . I was made for the craic and banter. I leaned on the wall continuing to chat to my ex as she was behind the door. All of a sudden what can only be described as the world most F*cked and unfunny idea came into my head.

My head/brain: Shagnastii, It would be the funniest thing in history if you edged the door about with your erect penis. And made some sort of a gun noise or maybe the theme from jaws as the one eyes monster lurked around the door to frighten –insert ex name here-.......................................(OT but I really think you people here on boards.ie are getting to see my mental breakdown)

Why I thought this would be amusing or funny is beyond me. So anyway I shout at the top of my voice like Murv from Home Alone, “HARRY I’M COMING IN”. I then progressed to make movements towards the door like a knight with one of those stick thingys. I got closer and closer to the door which was ajar hopefully sure to be whipping it open with a hearty “Daaaaannnnaaaahhhh” and the world would have exploded with the greatness of the feat. Not likely, the second the top of my langer hit gap in the door my ex pushed over the door thinking I was about to walk in. THUDDDD!!!!!!! I can still here it now. I’m surpised the door didn’t close shut it was pushed so hard. The pain was terrible and I let out the loudest scream I am sure anyone was ever let out as I stumbled across the floor back to the bed area. My girlfriend rose straight away and was like “what the fu*k just happened”. She saw me holding my goods and just said “holy Sh*t what were you at”. I looked down and there was blood. There wasn’t much be it was really red. I was crapping myself, I shouted to get some tissues. They only seemed to make it worst the pain was settling when my ex told me to get into the shower. I showered until all the blood went away and the bleeding stopped. I came back out of the shower after about tens minutes and my girlfriend just looked as if to say “Well ya won’t be doing that again” she laugh and rightfully called me a feckin eejit. I was really delicate but it wasn’t anything which needed stitches or anything so I guess it wasn’t too drastic. We had no more sex that night. I sulked with a really sore willie as we watched the highlights of the game as all her drunken housemates arrived home. Eh this stories hasn’t really an ending as such. I really wish I was a troll story but it did in fact happen.

Emmmmmmmmm Ok thank you for your time.

Live long and prosper. And be careful you only ever get one of them. (Why did I find the need to post this, please ban me from boards.ie for being an idiot)

that is possibly the funniest story i have ever heard:)

Vinta81 · 10-05-2010 2:19pm

Said the wrong name the morning after.

*gets cardigan*

Snowie · 10-05-2010 2:47pm

Vinta81 wrote: »

Said the wrong name the morning after.

I did that twice :pac:

Vinta81 · 10-05-2010 2:52pm

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I did that twice :pac:

Considering it was his best mate....yeah

Got a lot of satisfaction out of it though, the prick

minidazzler · 10-05-2010 2:58pm

Vinta81 wrote: »

Considering it was his best mate....yeah Got a lot of satisfaction out of it though, the prick

Ambiguous statements FTW!

Vinta81 · 10-05-2010 3:01pm

minidazzler wrote: »

Ambiguous statements FTW!

If only that were truly the case!

minidazzler · 10-05-2010 3:03pm

Vinta81 wrote: »

If only that were truly the case!

Poor guy is getting burned on all fronts! haha. Remind me not to get on your bad side! :P

Vinta81 · 10-05-2010 3:12pm

minidazzler wrote: »

Poor guy is getting burned on all fronts! haha. Remind me not to get on your bad side! :P

Fago! · 10-05-2010 3:31pm

minidazzler wrote: »

Ambiguous statements FTW!

Big words FTW!

SOmehow, I ended up with her mobile phone after a night out. I had no idea where she lived and her phone was:

A) Pin locked (So I couldn't call someone in her contacts)

Dead.

Luckily, her mate called me and I eventually gave it back. How she got me number is beyond me.

Same thing happened at AH beers with G86. I ended up with her phone and had to give it back the next day. I must be quite the thief if I don't even know I'm doing it.

Edit: Just read that and realised it looks like I reluctantly gave the phone back to G86. "I had to give it back".... I happily gave it back.

Boo27 · 13-05-2010 12:37am

3 pop to mind..

1. The guy who had goats arse hair on shoulders
2. The guy who kept farting while trusting!!!!

3. Best till last : the dirty little f er who whacked off all over my back and hair while I was sleeping........... (yes ladies they are out there so please sleep with one eye open and dont be fooled by their one eye

princess-lala · 13-05-2010 9:28am

Boo27 wrote: »

3 pop to mind..

1. The guy who had goats arse hair on shoulders
2. The guy who kept farting while trusting!!!!

3. Best till last : the dirty little f er who whacked off all over my back and hair while I was sleeping........... (yes ladies they are out there so please sleep with one eye open and dont be fooled by their one eye

Your messing right?? :eek:

nkay1985 · 13-05-2010 10:37am

princess-lala wrote: »

Your messing right?? :eek:

I think it was the guy that was messing.

Raiser · 13-05-2010 10:50am

Boo27 wrote: »

3 pop to mind..

1. The guy who had goats arse hair on shoulders
2. The guy who kept farting while trusting!!!!

3. Best till last : the dirty little f er who whacked off all over my back and hair while I was sleeping........... (yes ladies they are out there so please sleep with one eye open and dont be fooled by their one eye

princess-lala wrote: »

Your messing right?? :eek:

That's the second time I've read on Boards.ie of this happening..... Some People are so fcuked up and such w@nkers..... (Pun optional)

minidazzler · 13-05-2010 12:56pm

Raiser wrote: »

That's the second time I've read on Boards.ie of this happening..... Some People are so fcuked up and such w@nkers..... (Pun optional)

Second time on boards, and I heard about it in real life too! :eek: People are strange!

princess-lala · 13-05-2010 1:04pm

Oh sweet christ :eek:

Some sure know how to pick em

Madame Razz · 13-05-2010 5:32pm

I bumped into the guy who inspired this thread last week. I thought of this thread and had a good chuckle for myself; if only he knew:D

Smokin_Aces · 17-05-2010 3:48pm

I had an ex who tried to chop my skin tag off my stomach by using a scissor!!

The very same ex, who had some stretch marks, thought it would be lovely if I had some so she tried to use the knife me along my arms and legs. That was the end.

One time, while I was staying in a house with a bunch of friends and others I didn't know. I woke up to 2 guys playing with themselves on top of me. I got a beating for my troubles too.

helimachoptor · 17-05-2010 9:33pm

Wtf is a skin tag

princess-lala · 17-05-2010 9:36pm

helimachoptor wrote: »

Wtf is a skin tag

A little loose bit of skin! Its no harm!

annie87 · 28-05-2010 7:42pm

Magpie! wrote: »

His idea of oral sex was to pretty much motorboat me for half an hour. And he was so proud of himself. Disaster.

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha

Clareman · 28-05-2010 9:57pm

A friend of mine has fancied a friend of my wife's for ages, last weekend they hooked up and got on very well, only problem was when she woke up the next morning it looked like she had been through 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Turned out he has goose down pillows and she's allergic to goose feathers and came out in a violent reaction, nothing lasting though.

Stheno · 28-05-2010 11:18pm

Clareman wrote: »

A friend of mine has fancied a friend of my wife's for ages, last weekend they hooked up and got on very well, only problem was when she woke up the next morning it looked like she had been through 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Turned out he has goose down pillows and she's allergic to goose feathers and came out in a violent reaction, nothing lasting though.

That's called karma, happens when you sleep with your friend's friend's wife

Carsinian Thau · 28-05-2010 11:21pm

nouggatti wrote: »

That's called karma, happens when you sleep with your friend's friend's wife

It was a friend of the wife. Not someone's wife.

(At least, that's what the original post said, maybe she actually is married).

Clareman · 28-05-2010 11:23pm

Carsinian Thau wrote: »

It was a friend of the wife. Not someone's wife.

(At least, that's what the original post said, maybe she actually is married).

I know what was implied

Both of them are single :pac:

your worst dates/sex/relationships etc..... Ladies & Lads!

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