Fancy my boyfy's friend - help!

Dragan · 06-03-2007 03:53PM

hullaballoo wrote:

Dragan, there really isn't any need to pack yourself away into a box just because you're seeing someone. Next time you're out, have a look around. Good looking people, just like pretty scenery, are there to be enjoyed. Life's way too short to deny yourself little thrills like that feeling of naughty chemistry between you and someone you shouldn't. Just exercise restraint when it comes to the crunch.

Oh i see them all the time. They just don't really register the same way anymore. Like i said, i appear to be a little odd. I have no issue at all with my girlfriend looking at someone and thinking they are hot or whatever, thats not a problem to me at all. At the end of the day she is with me and i trust her completely.

And i'm not out for feelings of naughty chemistry dude, if thats what your after then so be it, but don't expect me to go clamouring for it anytime soon.

Personally, i am done offering advice to the OP and will no longer be posting in the thread unless someone has a specific question or Kenny says something else hilarious. I fear the OP does not really give a crap and i will end up just feeling worse for her poor boyfriend!!!

Kinetic^ · 06-03-2007 04:01PM

You think this is some sort of stand up comedy do ye? The OP has done something seriously wrong and doesn't seem to give a twanger. The only thing that has me ROFLing is the lack of respect people have for their significant others these days. Whatever happened to loyalty to your SO?

Quite frankly, this whole attitude of "What they don't know, won't hurt them" sickens me.

*Jumps up on to his high horse* "Hi ho silver, away!" *rides off into the sunset, never to be seen in this thread again*

tuckmill · 06-03-2007 04:08PM

I totally agree with DRAGAN a 100% - I got into a situation a few months back were i fancied my then b'friends new friend and i left my boyfriend for him, although we are now living together

anytime we argue my ex comes up causing arguements that would never have happend if i met him while i was single that are now tearing us apart because we were such a close circle - they now hate each other and im stuck in the middle "my own fault" . Always better to be single before getting into a relationship with anyone else even if just a one night stand... not worth it , people get badly hurt and v.hard to forgive yourself for doing that to people you love and loved

Don't do to others....

Magic Pips · 06-03-2007 04:40PM

Coffeeaddict, IMO you are a bad person, if you want to cheat on someone, have some restraint and break up with your significant other.

You should tell your boyfriend if you love him, you sound so sure he'd forgive you, i dont think he would.

Try to show something which you obviously dont have much of - class... own up to it...

06-03-2007 05:16PM

coffeeadddict wrote:

I agree with Miss Fluff and Hullaballoo and Zambia232.

And I am certainly not going to tell my boyf even though I think he would forgive me, don't see what good that would do aside from ruin their friendship. What you don't know can't hurt you. I am not looking for someone to tell me it's ok to cheat on my boyfy, I was just interested to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.

An ex cheated on me as a drunken ONS. He told me 2 months later. I was more cross that he hadn't told me for so long, but I was glad he told me.
and no, that's not why he's my ex.

And how exactly would it benefit him knowing? Being betrayed by his supposed friend and supposed girlfriend? That'll really help the guy. Believe me, some cans of worms are best left firmly closed.

Personally, I'd want to know about being betrayed. If people who betrayed me were so concerned about my feelings in the first place, they wouldn't do it. I don't believe in the slightest that not telling him is for his benefit - it's for the cheater's. Both the mate and the friend should tell the bf. It's the honest thing to do.

coffeeadddict · 06-03-2007 05:18PM

Dragan+Kenny 5 - of course I care+feel really bad about what happened, I said this in the original post+didn't feel the need to keep reiterating it throughout the thread.

Magic Pips - sorry but don't agree with you, I know I am a good person and I don't think people should be demonised based on one mistake that they have made.

However, I've considered all opinions + thanks everyone for posting.

Magic Pips · 06-03-2007 05:24PM

coffeeadddict wrote:

Magic Pips - sorry but don't agree with you, I know I am a good person and I don't think people should be demonised based on one mistake that they have made.

first mistake is getting drunk and scoring your boyfriends mate, second one is not telling him. third is convincing yourself that this bahavour makes you a good person.

Sorry, i know you think im being harsh, but your BF deserves to know. If you can cheat on someone and then live a lie, and call yourself a good person, maybe you should look within?

Miss Fluff · 06-03-2007 05:27PM

coffeeadddict wrote:

Dragan+Kenny 5 - of course I care+feel really bad about what happened, I said this in the original post+didn't feel the need to keep reiterating it throughout the thread.

Magic Pips - sorry but don't agree with you, I know I am a good person and I don't think people should be demonised based on one mistake that they have made.

However, I've considered all opinions + thanks everyone for posting.

But your OP ended like this My problem is, I think we really have a connection+I can't stop fancying him....has any been in a similar situation or can offer any advice?

Make up your mind. You are making reference to "one mistake" but yet it seems to be something you want to pursue. Quite a self-indulgent thread imo, if you love your boyfriend enough you can put his mate out of your head imo, simple as. If not, do the decent thing and part ways with your boyfriend and let him go find someone who deserves him.

06-03-2007 05:29PM

Magic Pips wrote:

first mistake is getting drunk and scoring your boyfriends mate, second one is not telling him. third is convincing yourself that this bahavour makes you a good person.

Sorry, i know you think im being harsh, but your BF deserves to know. If you can cheat on someone and then live a lie, and call yourself a good person, maybe you should look within?

Seconding this.
If you have any respect or love for your bf at all, you'd tell him, simply because he deserves to know.
For him, not for you. Not telling him because you don't want to get into trouble is just continuing to make mistakes and being selfish. If you're such a good person, and if he loves you so much, then telling him shouldn't even be an issue because you'll trust that he'll understand.

muckwarrior · 06-03-2007 05:41PM

Whether or not the OP is a bad person depends on her intentions from here on in. If she decides it was a once off (big) mistake and doesn't have any more to do with her boyfriends mate well then I think that's forgiveable. Incidentally if I was the boyfriend in this situation then I wouldn't want to know about it. It would just create hurt and mistrust and would be better off not knowing about it.
However if it ever happened again well then that means she's a bitch, should be kicked to the kerb and the friend should be... well just kicked.

I think everyone deserves a chance to learn from their mistakes. But just one!

Chucky the tree · 06-03-2007 06:02PM

coffeeadddict wrote:

We have very high sex drives and horniness+alcohol+physical attraction is always a dangerous mix!

+ you being a slut aswell, you shouldnt leave that out of the equation either. Its an essential part of it.

Your fellas mate is just as bad.

Even in your posts, its comes across as if you dont care about your fella. If you did, you'd tell him. Why not just break up with him and tell him a different reason?

I really feel sorry for him going out with a tramp and having a "mate" like John. People really dont deserve that.

LegacyUser · 06-03-2007 07:16PM

I'm bad at listening and typing is difficult because I'm dyslexic, so im sorry if my post annoyed people and made no sense. That's because I don't live my experience through language studies.If my 2nd language is english and 1st is foreight I'm sure I'll get more respect from the posters? I'm foreigh YUPEEE.

This thread seems to be for scoring points not scoring good advice tips. So if Okornot gave bad advice, and if you didn't make sense of it, the reason may be because you're not a dyslexic man like me. You are a smart young intelligent woman who think differenty that men.

King of Kings · 06-03-2007 10:19PM

coffeeadddict wrote:

We have very high sex drives and horniness+alcohol+physical attraction is always a dangerous mix!

i do too but i've yet to score (or try) a mate's gf.
still a brutal excuse.

Alcohol is no excuse I've done mad things on booze before but never blamed te booze cos nobody forced it down my neck.

Victor · 07-03-2007 01:08AM

coffeeadddict wrote:

I agree with muckwarrior, just because you're going out with someone doesn't mean that you're never going to fancy anyone else ever. There's always gonna be attractive people around+ it's not like you can just switch off your feelings.
seansouth - no wasn't expecting tea and scones!! To be honest, I would be willing to forgive my bf if he did something similar if I knew it was a once-off+he was genuinely sorry about it rather than throw away a great relationship for a stupid mistake. We have very high sex drives and horniness+alcohol+physical attraction is always a dangerous mix!

Without wanting to bust your chops twice in the one thread, whats with + + + + + ?

StupidLikeAFox · 07-03-2007 06:49PM

The OP was vulnerable, she had doubts in her head and she was drunk, a dangerous mix! She got a good sharp shock, as people said its a lesson learned and the guilt should be enough of a deterent.

When your in a relationship technically you should be completely devoted to the other person, and in a perfect world that is the case. Unfortunately life is not that black and white. The OP has learned her lesson and in a way it has prob brought her closer to her boyfriend as now she realises how much he means to her.

Dregan if the world could have as much conviction and follow through with their morals it would be a better place, however not all are as strong and theres little to be gained by coming down hard on the OP when shes clearly learned her lesson

kaalgat · 07-03-2007 07:28PM

bluewolf wrote:

If you have any respect or love for your bf at all, you'd tell him, simply because he deserves to know.
For him, not for you. Not telling him because you don't want to get into trouble is just continuing to make mistakes and being selfish.

I agree. A major part of not telling him is because you're afraid, not because you "don't want to hurt his feelings". If you care about his feelings at all, you don't go around with his mate.

Doodee · 07-03-2007 11:42PM

pfft,

why is it always the case that PI poster's get out the pitchforks and torches when someone in a relationship lusts over someone else?

Relationships go stale, new fires are ignited, chances come and go but regret will stay no matter what choice you make.

If your the youthful side of 35 do as you like, until your biological clock starts buzzing and the urge for offspring arises then the only person you should worry about is yourself.

Good lord people, just enjoy life in whateer way you decide to live it and stop worrying about what will happen.

As the saying goes, whatever will be will be.

LegacyUser · 08-03-2007 12:47AM

I TOTALLY sympathise with you op. I mean your boyfriend wasn't there and you had something to drink so there was absolutely no reason to stay faithful to the boy you supposedly love. How SELFISH can one person be? You're on the road to ruining 3 relationships and let me tell you your boyfriend and his friend will be laughing at your cheap slutty behaviour over a couple of beers whilst you're kicked to the curb should he ever find.

Grow up - fast! having a couple of drinks is no excuse to cheat on your boyfriend with HIS FRIEND of all people, the worst part is HE's the one who stopped it going further. This isn't an episode of desperate housewives its real life as you're likely to discover quite soon (hopefully)

Wibbs · 08-03-2007 01:20AM

TBH I'm dubious about his "friend". Not on really, though in fairness he did stop short as it were. Ok if they've gone their separate ways but not before. Maybe it's just me. Unwritten rule and all that.

I agree with Doodee(ya old cynic ya), in that relationships at different times are fluid, but manners does come into it and tuppin' your boyfriends friend while your still with same is a tad suspect. To me at least.

If you value your current relationship, don't say a damn thing, don't diddle his "friend" and move on. Now I hear the naysayers rattling on about honesty and all that, but many blokes are not good with this sort of thing. Women the same. If you're honest, her arse did look big in that dress, but what's the harm if it the arse you want.

OP, if you're still unsure, tell him and let the poor bugger move on to someone who is more committed to him.

hullaballoo · 08-03-2007 01:44AM

Hey, look if you're not married, then what are all of these invisible binds that a lot of you seem to put around yourselves? There's no need to tell him, OP. If you did that, then that act would be selfish - you'd just be doing it because you think it would make you feel better about yourself.

What you need to look out for is that it doesn't happen again, as I've said before. If it does, then it's not fair for you to stay with your boyfriend. You obviously don't have feelings strong enough to maintain the relationship. Until then, chalk it up as a bad (or good, but once-off) experience, and forget about it.

Finally, some people seem concerned that the title of the thread "fancy" is present tense. That would seem to some people to mean that you have suddenly fallen head over heels in lust with John. If so, so be it. Once you don't pursue the physicality, who can say anything?

I would say that your perspective has changed slightly since you first posted, and that you may have rekindled some of your feelings for your current boyfriend. If that's the case, then you cheating on him was good for the relationship. Telling him would undo that good.

08-03-2007 09:16AM

hullaballoo wrote:

There's no need to tell him, OP. If you did that, then that act would be selfish - you'd just be doing it because you think it would make you feel better about yourself.

She's not telling him so she can feel better about herself. If she did tell him, I'd say she'd feel a lot worse. It's for his sake he should be told, not hers. The time to worry about hurting his feelings is well past.
What kind of relationship goes on where you hide this stuff?

coffeeadddict · 08-03-2007 02:21PM

Well, in light of all the replies I got from posters I decided to do the decent thing and tell my boyf....met up with him on Tues night and confessed all, obviously he was really upset and there were tears on both sides....he was in total shock and didn't get angry with me, but just looked really hurt and it was so heartbreaking....but he said he still loved me and needed to time to think about what had happened....I haven't heard from him since, and I'm so scared of losing him....I'm not sure whether to contact him+tell him again how sorry I am, or just give him some space....

_blank_ · 08-03-2007 03:00PM

Give him space.

mal1 · 08-03-2007 03:24PM

I would text him and ask if it is ok for you to text him. He will probably need a week to get his head straight.

_blank_ · 08-03-2007 03:30PM

mal1 wrote:

I would text him and ask if it is ok for you to text him.

johnny_adidas · 08-03-2007 03:32PM

probably gone to 'have a word' with john

tamburlaine · 08-03-2007 03:38PM

because I have no intention of breaking up with my boyf.

You're a disgrace. This is exactly what you have to do, break up with him. And his mate's worse still. He deserves a lot better than you pair.

tamburlaine · 08-03-2007 03:41PM

hullaballoo wrote:

Hey, look if you're not married, then what are all of these invisible binds that a lot of you seem to put around yourselves? There's no need to tell him, OP. If you did that, then that act would be selfish - you'd just be doing it because you think it would make you feel better about yourself.

What you need to look out for is that it doesn't happen again, as I've said before. If it does, then it's not fair for you to stay with your boyfriend. You obviously don't have feelings strong enough to maintain the relationship. Until then, chalk it up as a bad (or good, but once-off) experience, and forget about it.

Finally, some people seem concerned that the title of the thread "fancy" is present tense. That would seem to some people to mean that you have suddenly fallen head over heels in lust with John. If so, so be it. Once you don't pursue the physicality, who can say anything?

I would say that your perspective has changed slightly since you first posted, and that you may have rekindled some of your feelings for your current boyfriend. If that's the case, then you cheating on him was good for the relationship. Telling him would undo that good.

I don't think the idea of marriage is more of a preventative measure as you seem to think. It's still a repulsive act regardless and goes to the credibility of a person and their morality. Married or not.

yournamehere · 08-03-2007 04:27PM

johnny_adidas wrote:

probably gone to have a word with john

as someone said earlier he and john are probably cracking out the beers and having a laugh at your slutty behaviour.

telling him was a selfish act, you told him to ease your conscience so now IF he forgives you every time john's out and he's not, he'll be wondering what you're up to.

If you love him, have a clean break, time apart, if it's meant to be you'll get back together down the track.

cold_filter · 08-03-2007 04:31PM

yep he's either kicked 7 shades of **** out of his mate or the 2 of them are discussing your sexual habits over a few beers.

Either way dont go near your next bf's friends, how would you feel if he got it on with one of yours?? not very happy i don't think

Fancy my boyfy's friend - help!

Comments