Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
If we do not hit our goal we will be forced to close the site.

Current status: https://keepboardsalive.com/

Annual subs are best for most impact. If you are still undecided on going Ad Free - you can also donate using the Paypal Donate option. All contribution helps. Thank you.
https://www.boards.ie/group/1878-subscribers-forum

Private Group for paid up members of Boards.ie. Join the club.

Fancy my boyfy's friend - help!

1235»

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 740 ✭✭✭junior_apollo


    I agree withcha Kenny it doesnt look like it will ever go back to normal for either of ye - because it will always be brought up during any arguement and you will never be "even" as he put it... there is gonna be a rift always now.

    I'm just saying if he ain't talking to you or his friend anymore (possibly?) then why cant ye give it a go - least you can now persue that option knowing that your not tied to your boyfy anymore...


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,302 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Yeah, but I was under the impression we were still a couple and we were just taking a break while we worked things out....
    Look if the pair of you really want to be together and are good for each other in all the other ways you can be. You just have to reset to a place before this. It can be done. I've known relationships where this happened that actually got stronger because of it and are still with each other years later. Often what you fancy in someone else is what is lacking in your relationship. It could be a major thing, in which case a lot of work ahead, or it could be a minor thing more easily rectified. If there's a genuine affection between you then it's doable.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,049 ✭✭✭Crea


    He reacted in a completely childish way. You kissing his friend does not equal to him shagging some random girl. He must be a real calous pr**k to use a girl by sleeping with her to get back at someone else. I know people will say that he is allowed this because of what you did but that isn't the case. As you said he intentionally went out to hurt you which is not OK.
    You are perfectly justified in ending it if that's what you want. His actions show a side of him that frankly isn't at all attractive.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,302 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Crea wrote:
    As you said he intentionally went out to hurt you which is not OK.
    You are perfectly justified in ending it if that's what you want. His actions show a side of him that frankly isn't at all attractive.
    All true. The extent to which his anger and hurt controls him is not good. The other part of this is just possibly he was lying for effect. Men lie about sleeping with women all the time, you know? :D

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 740 ✭✭✭junior_apollo


    Yeah, but I was under the impression we were still a couple and we were just taking a break while we worked things out....


    Did he know ye were still a couple or did he think ye were broken up for the time being...

    You also said...
    and he wants to get back together now coz he thinks we're even!!

    So maybe he looked at it as ye weren't together anymore?
    Yes it was still a horrible thing to do, but think about how he musta felt when you'd gone off with his friend also? He just lashed out...
    Then again.. maybe he didnt even sleep with anyone - maybe he just telling you this to make you feel what kinda pain he'd been feeling... to let you experience it for yourself and see how much you'd hurt him...


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,049 ✭✭✭Crea


    Ross to Rachel - "We were on a break!"

    Unless the words "let's end it" were said then it wasn't OK to go off with someone else.
    It doesn't matter if he did or didn't sleep with someone else his motives still are to hurt OP deeply. Sh*t behaviour if you ask me. This "I wanted you to hurt as much as me" is stupid, childish and vindictive. It definitely isn't something you do to someone you really love.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13 coffeeadddict


    Yeah I guess it was all a bit hazy whether we were still a couple or not or just on a break, as I said we kinda left it hanging....either way, I'm still really hurt by what he did, and I'm sure he did actually sleep with her, I don't think it's something he would just make up....I genuinely would like this relationship to work but as junior apollo said I don't know if it can ever go back to normal again....what a head wreck!


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,302 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Crea wrote:
    Ross to Rachel - "We were on a break!"
    that ended well though.:D
    Unless the words "let's end it" were said then it wasn't OK to go off with someone else.
    True on both sides
    It doesn't matter if he did or didn't sleep with someone else his motives still are to hurt OP deeply. Sh*t behaviour if you ask me. This "I wanted you to hurt as much as me" is stupid, childish and vindictive.
    Agreed. It was dumb. Even if he had said he snogged someone else as revenge but felt really bad about it and it made him realise how much he cared for etc. That I might have accepted far more readily.
    It definitely isn't something you do to someone you really love.
    Let's face it, people who love each other often do daft things if feelings of betrayal kick in. It would be great if we were all mature about stuff like this. Few enough are though. Passions can and often do run high. Both of them could learn and grow from this if they chose to work through it. Might make them stronger people and a stronger relationship. Even if they split up through the process it'll help them both in the long run.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3 middleoftheroad


    firstly op you are being extremely hypocritical. you hurt your BOYFY in the worst possible way. not only did you cheat but you cheated on him with his one of his best friends. The excuse that you were drunk cuts no ice. as a previous poster said alcohols allows you to do what you think about when sober. plus you admitted you would have had sex with but it was JOHN said no, not you that stopped it having. Ok not nice that your bf cheated but lets face it, he is hurting deeply and very anger. He shagged a complete stranger, there was no feelings oor no chemistry and his intention was to get back at you which is understandable. on the other hand when you cheated you were emotionally connected to the other guy which is worse in my book and wanted to have sex for your own pleasure. you didnt think of the consequences for your relationship or youir BFs friendship with John. In fact what you did has teh potential to destry that group of mates. You are ectremely selfish and irresponsible and shpuldn't be expecting symapthy now that you got what you deserve.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 740 ✭✭✭junior_apollo


    Fair point, but I dont think making people feel worse is gonna make any difference now like...constructive criticism is needed teeheehee...

    OP you gotta make one simple choice... move on or give it another go... thats basically what it all comes down to...


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,854 ✭✭✭Sinfonia


    Ok, maybe I'm a little confused with the timeline here,
    but it seems like Mr. Coffeeaddict went very quickly from being told about this, to going out with the lads and shagging another girl.

    If this situation happened to me, I'm pretty sure I'd be a complete basket case for a long time...I mean betrayal not just from the girlfriend, but the mate too!!
    In fact, was John one of the lads that he was out with?

    The fact is, I don't think it will ever be 'even'. And tbh, that's a bit of a childish way to go about it.
    You kissed his mate, he shagged a random girl. Is that even? No? Ok, so you go and sleep with someone else - oh, but wait, now you've slept with someone AND kissed his mate, and so on..

    I think at this point, you should either stay together in a very open relationship (because you're both likely to have trust issues), or, probably more sensibly, break up.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13 dlgal


    there was no feelings oor no chemistry and his intention was to get back at you which is understandable. on the other hand when you cheated you were emotionally connected to the other guy which is worse in my book.

    His intentions to get back at her may be understndable to a certain extent however I don't think it makes it excusable that he actually went and carried those intentions out! The fact that it was a total stranger and he did it for no other reason than to inflict emotional pain on her would make it harder to get over but mayb thats just me.

    OP you made a mistake and you had the decency to own up to it which I respect. Only you can decide if you can work past the fact that he intetionally tried to hurt you and if you can accept his actions as being justified.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    Well that's dutch door action. I guess now you see how the guy must feel too. And now he knows the guilt that you feel. And ye have both died a tiny bit inside because of it.
    But ye will move on.
    And what have we learned children?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    DEAL WITH YOUR GUILT YOURSELF!

    am I right or am I right?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 661 ✭✭✭thewing


    Vindictive maybe, but let's face it - you would have shagged his mate if he hadn't stopped, so you are even.Hearing that would have made me do one of two things - beat the crap out of my (ex) mate or go out and get a revenge shag - he went for the 'make love, not war' option

    Take a step back and look at the car crash that is now your relationship - you won't recover from this - trust won't happen, he'll hate his mate forever more(can't go back to having pints together) and will alter his behaviour towards you due to his anger on this

    Draw a line under it and move on - live and learn...


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,302 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    thewing wrote:
    Vindictive maybe, but let's face it - you would have shagged his mate if he hadn't stopped, so you are even.
    Only if you're up for scoring points beyond the initial madness.
    Hearing that would have made me do one of two things - beat the crap out of my (ex) mate or go out and get a revenge shag - he went for the 'make love, not war' option
    To be fair to the mate, although he seriously crossed a line, he didn't sleep with when she was obviously gagging for it. You could be philosophical about it in the longterm. His mate may have saved him from worse down the line.
    Take a step back and look at the car crash that is now your relationship - you won't recover from this - trust won't happen, he'll hate his mate forever more(can't go back to having pints together) and will alter his behaviour towards you due to his anger on this
    They might recover, if they're both willing to work at it(I have my doubts). I've seen worse things in a relationship that have survived. Hating his mate forever is a bit harsh and counterproductive IMHO. Sure they need to work this out, but I suspect he may regret not trying with both the mate and the girlfriend if he doesn't. If she cops on and dispenses with her current "confusion". The same goes for him after the revenge shag episode.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 45 yournamehere


    In your original post, the only reason ye didn't sleep together is because the friend stopped things further...how is it any different? he was angry its out of his system clean slate. are you suggesting you attempting to sleep with his FRIEND is ok on the one hand yet him sleeping with a random chick who's not associated (ie he could have tried it on with one of your friends) whilst ye're ON A BREAK isn't ok?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,150 ✭✭✭Floppybits


    sex drives and horniness+alcohol+physical attraction is always a dangerous mix![/QUOTE]

    I love that mix. :D

    If it was me in your situation I would put it down to experience and move on and try work harder at the relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,150 ✭✭✭Floppybits


    I have learned something from reading this thread and that is never come on here to ask for advice about something so personal. Coffeeaddict I am sorry that things have got so bad for you now because of some of the advice on here, my heart goes out to you. Sometimes as some people have said it is better not to reveal silly things like this.

    I think if everyone did this no one would be going out with anyone. Anyway its too late now so you just have to deal with the consequences. Give the guy some room thats if you still want him.

    I'm not too sure whether he really did what he said to tell you the truth, he maybe just saying that to make you feel bad because he is hurt. I have seen it before where people hurt badly make up stuff like this.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 136 ✭✭kaalgat


    Kenny 5 wrote:
    You better hope John doesn't tell your BF or you'll be proper fcuked!!! And not in the way you thought was going to happen with John either!!!!


    HAHA, brilliantly said! :D
    Don't all little secrets have a way of coming out? Would it not be better to tell him and get it over with?
    Imagine if he found out from someone other than you. How would he feel?

    Maybe turn the situation around and ask yourself how you would feel, had you found out from someone else your "boyfy" :rolleyes: did the dirt on you with your friend..


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    kaalgat wrote:
    HAHA, brilliantly said! :D
    Don't all little secrets have a way of coming out? Would it not be better to tell him and get it over with?
    Imagine if he found out from someone other than you. How would he feel?

    Maybe turn the situation around and ask yourself how you would feel, had you found out from someone else your "boyfy" :rolleyes: did the dirt on you with your friend..

    maybe have a read of the thread there. ;)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 136 ✭✭kaalgat


    Yeah just noticed :o:o:o


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,911 ✭✭✭Zombienosh


    Dragan wrote:
    Advice eh?

    1) Stop acting like a 15 year old with a crush. Realise that you don't actually love your boyfriend, because you cheated on him and want to do so again apparently. Grow up a bit and stop thinking about this other dude.

    2) Be honest with your boyfriend. Realise that this will forever cause a rift between him and this John prick ( sorry, but scoring your mates girlfriend is bollix, i'd have his nuts if i found out )

    3) Break up with your boyfriend because by the sounds of it your gonna end up ****ing him over.

    Oh yeah, and in case anyone tries any of that "it's fine, your only human" stuff..... it's not. Your a pretty horrible girlfriend, leave the poor bastard alone. ;)

    agree with this,


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    never made a mistake in your lives. It was only a bit of kissing and cuddling. And I AM madly in love my boyfriend,

    And I join the unforgiving bunch and say you do in your bóllix love your BF. The facts, as you put them-

    I love my boyfriend
    But I went home with his mate
    I was lying in bed with his mate kissing and having a bit of play
    I wanted to wrap my moist velvety love lips round his throbbing shaft but he wouldnt let me

    Thats a great definition of love for your partner. Well done.

    Now- as for him going out and getting laid to annoy you, I can understand that. Its a male thing. Its a "I've just had a woman píss on my self importance, so I am going to become the alpha male and make myself feel better" reaction.

    TBH, both of ye need to grow the fúck up and just move on, or alternatively stay together. You are perfectly suited.

    How old are ye BTW? Sounds like about 15. Sheesh.

    K-


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,684 ✭✭✭FatherTed


    Well, just to update ye guys with whats happened with me and my boyfy....I'm soooooo upset....We met up on Friday night as planned and had a big talk about everything, he said that he still loved me but wasn't sure if he could trust me again so didn't really know if we should continue with our relationship, I kept saying how sorry I was+how it would never happen again...in the end we were both just emotionally drained from all the talking+kinda left things hanging....he said he'd contact me....anyway, I stayed in on the Sat night+didn't hear from him until last night....he called over + basically said that he'd slept with someone else on Sat night that he'd met in a bar when he was out with the lads...he said he had harboured such anger towards me that he just wanted to hurt me as much as I'd hurt him....I can't believe he did that...and he wants to get back together now coz he thinks we're even!! But I don't know if I can get over this....I mean I made a mistake but he intentionally went out to shag someone else and hurt me....surely there's no justification for that kind of behaviour? I'm in a right state at work today, I feel physically sick.


    Well "sex drives and horniness+alcohol+physical attraction is always a dangerous mix". Toss in a little "anger over girlfriend cheating", a bit of "stupidity", a pinch of "immaturity" and the magic ingredient call "revenge" and you get this. You as a couple are either too young/immature or are actually not really in love because your love is easily broken by the foolish acts you two are doing. Hey, when the time is right and you have the right person, you'll know. Until then, you as a couple could do with some time apart. See how much you miss each other after a few weeks.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    Kell wrote:
    I love my boyfriend
    But I went home with his mate
    I was lying in bed with his mate kissing and having a bit of play
    I wanted to wrap my moist velvety love lips round his throbbing shaft but he wouldnt let me

    Thats a great definition of love for your partner. Well done.
    I don't think being perfect is a requirement of love outside of the trashiest of romance stories.

    Assuming the OP isn't a character in a such a story I don't think there is anything to indicate she doesn't love her boyfriend.

    Not to say she didn't **** up immensely. Not to say that we have to condone her actions. But to say "oh, you did something you shouldn't have done, ergo you don't love your boyfriend" simply doesn't follow.


Advertisement