Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
If we do not hit our goal we will be forced to close the site.

Current status: https://keepboardsalive.com/

Annual subs are best for most impact. If you are still undecided on going Ad Free - you can also donate using the Paypal Donate option. All contribution helps. Thank you.
https://www.boards.ie/group/1878-subscribers-forum

Private Group for paid up members of Boards.ie. Join the club.

Fancy my boyfy's friend - help!

245

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,163 ✭✭✭✭Boston


    Dragon, you can't control feelings or chemistry, only actions. Being attracted to someone doesn't make you dis-loyal.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 41,926 ✭✭✭✭_blank_


    Jesus, some of ye posters are a pretty unforgiving bunch,
    Yeah, well you cheated on your boyfriend. What are you expecting, tea and scones and a pat on the back?
    It was only a bit of kissing and cuddling.
    With your boyfriend's mate.
    And I AM madly in love my boyfriend, I've never done anything like this in the two years we've been going out+I don't intend to do it again either.
    No you aren't.

    Imagine you found out your boyfriend was in bed with a friend of yours, kissing and cuddling. Would it be ok for him to say 'Sure I love you and I won't do it again, I swear.'?

    Would you accept that?
    I guess the best thing to do is just steer clear of John+move on.
    This is the most sensible part of your post tbh.

    boyfy is always complimenting me+telling me how much he loves me.
    I'd say that would change if he knew what you had done behind his back. I mean the first time you are out with just his mate and you end up in bed together? You actually think it is acceptable to just shrug it off by saying 'I love him anyway, and I won't do it again'.

    If you were my girlfriend you'd be dumped, and no doubt about it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    Kenny 5 wrote:
    I think people are mistaking their feelings by thinking the fancy someone when they just think someone is hot.
    Eh, what?

    That's pretty much what fancy does mean.

    I fancy lots of people. I have a desire to engage in sexual acts with them. In some sort of hermetically sealed universe containing only them and me I would make a move.

    Living in the real world with lots of people, and with emotions, relationships, commitments, (and in many cases the fact that maybe after I learnt more about what they are like as people they'd quite likely wreck my head) I won't.

    I won't necessarily do so even if I'm single, I know they are single, and I reckon the feelings are reciprocated since there's more going on in me that any particular desire or impulse.

    The OPs problem isn't that she fancies someone, it's that she's having problems with the differences between the hermetically-sealed-universe and the real world.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,497 ✭✭✭✭Dragan


    Boston wrote:
    Dragon, you can't control feelings or chemistry, only actions. Being attracted to someone doesn't make you dis-loyal.

    I'm not saying it does, I'm just saying that people seem to be doing themselves and there partners a diservice by dismissing these apparent feelings for other people. They must have their root in something, but that’s just my opinion.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,224 ✭✭✭✭Kinetic^


    Clearly we've got different understandings of the word "fancy".


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,119 ✭✭✭muckwarrior


    Dragan wrote:
    Many people here have said it fine to fancy you partners friends or whatever, but apparently it's not if you can't admit it to them.
    It's normal to fancy other people. Perhaps you've been lucky enough never to fancy someone else while you had a girlfriend, but it happens, and there's not much you can do about it. But what you can do is choose not to act on it. I'm fully in agreement that if you act on your lust whilst going out with someone then that's totally wrong.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm totally with Dragan on this one...and guess what, I have not been cheated on either ever in my life...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,497 ✭✭✭✭Dragan


    It's normal to fancy other people. Perhaps you've been lucky enough never to fancy someone else while you had a girlfriend, but it happens, and there's not much you can do about it. But what you can do is choose not to act on it. I'm fully in agreement that if you act on your lust whilst going out with someone then that's totally wrong.

    To be honest I'm starting to think I'm a bit odd? When I'm going out with someone that little switch between someone being physically appealing and me wanting to do anything about it seems to just get completely swtiched off.

    I have had two long term relationships and am currently at the beginning of a third and can honestly say when I am going out with someone I just don't really see other girls in that same way anymore. None of them will ever make it past the "friends" bracket to be honest. Sure, they might have a physicallity or a personality that when I'm single I would find hugely attractive, but it just never seems to have that affect when I'm going out with someone.

    But anyway, back on topic! OP, your a bold girl!! :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,224 ✭✭✭✭Kinetic^


    Stop the bickering...........somebody think of the childers!!! :eek:


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Kenny 5 wrote:
    Stop the bickering...........somebody think of the childers!!! :eek:

    Leave the moderating to the mods kenny.

    Now, you lot, get back to discussing the actual topic of this thread please.


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13 coffeeadddict


    I agree with muckwarrior, just because you're going out with someone doesn't mean that you're never going to fancy anyone else ever. There's always gonna be attractive people around+ it's not like you can just switch off your feelings.
    seansouth - no wasn't expecting tea and scones!! To be honest, I would be willing to forgive my bf if he did something similar if I knew it was a once-off+he was genuinely sorry about it rather than throw away a great relationship for a stupid mistake. We have very high sex drives and horniness+alcohol+physical attraction is always a dangerous mix!


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    We have very high sex drives and horniness+alcohol+physical attraction is always a dangerous mix!

    Sorry, I don't find that any kind of acceptable excuse.
    We can all fancy or find others attractive, the difference is we can also practice self control. Trying to put it down to the above is a cop out imo.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,497 ✭✭✭✭Dragan


    I agree with muckwarrior, just because you're going out with someone doesn't mean that you're never going to fancy anyone else ever. There's always gonna be attractive people around+ it's not like you can just switch off your feelings.
    seansouth - no wasn't expecting tea and scones!! To be honest, I would be willing to forgive my bf if he did something similar if I knew it was a once-off+he was genuinely sorry about it rather than throw away a great relationship for a stupid mistake. We have very high sex drives and horniness+alcohol+physical attraction is always a dangerous mix!

    Well even if you will end up "fancying" someone then you should be adult enough to be able to control how you act around them.

    I also love the way that all cheaters would be willing to forgive there partners in a hypothetical vice versa situation!!! Never ceases to amaze me.

    Finally all i see if someone making excuses and looking for people to agree with them. It's a joke to be honest. Your not looking for advice, your looking for people to tell you it's all okay.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,224 ✭✭✭✭Kinetic^


    Beruthiel wrote:
    Leave the moderating to the mods kenny.

    Now, you lot, get back to discussing the actual topic of this thread please.


    I saved the childers.....you did nowt, stop stealing my thunder lady!!!


    ROFLs at possibly the lamest excuse ever. "Sorry hun, I'd a few beers and you do know how moist I get with a few beers on me" :rolleyes:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    We have very high sex drives and horniness+alcohol+physical attraction is always a dangerous mix!
    Not always.

    Those who do find themselves getting drunk to the point where they do things they would otherwise feel they shouldn't still have themselves to blame for getting that drunk.

    If you can't handle alcohol, don't drink it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13 coffeeadddict


    Well Dragan, all I see is very little constructive advice on how to deal with these feelings + a lot of self-righteous posting.

    Have none of these people done something stupid when they've been drunk?!!

    I know that's not an excuse, I'm just saying it like it is.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,224 ✭✭✭✭Kinetic^


    As Tallie said, don't drink if you can't handle it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,497 ✭✭✭✭Dragan


    Well Dragan, all I see is very little constructive advice on how to deal with these feelings + a lot of self-righteous posting.

    Have none of these people done something stupid when they've been drunk?!!

    Oh I've done plenty of silly stuff when I'm drunk. However I have never done anything that could seriously hurt another human being and then used the fact that I was drunk to justify it.

    What kind of advice do you want? You getting peoples opinions and advice which is obviously not what you want to hear. You don't appear to feel even remotely bad about the incident, from what I can see you have no intention of telling your boyfriend and from what I can see you happy enough to convince yourself everything is perfectly fine.

    I suggest you just go back, look your boyfriend in the eyes and either tell him the truth of lie to him for the rest of your relationship.

    Your choice.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Well Dragan, all I see is very little constructive advice on how to deal with these feelings.

    More than one person suggested self control. That is the constructive advice.


  • Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Charlie Odd Plantation


    Well Dragan, all I see is very little constructive advice on how to deal with these feelings + a lot of self-righteous posting.

    Have none of these people done something stupid when they've been drunk?!!

    I know that's not an excuse, I'm just saying it like it is.


    Not really, no.
    And if you can't handle the drink, don't drink. Simple as that.

    If I was in your position, I'd tell my bf. It's only fair to him to know.


  • Advertisement
  • Administrators, Entertainment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 18,821 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭hullaballoo


    Dragan wrote:
    Oh I've done plenty of silly stuff when I'm drunk. However I have never done anything that could seriously hurt another human being and then used the fact that I was drunk to justify it.

    What kind of advice do you want? You getting peoples opinions and advice which is obviously not what you want to hear. You don't appear to feel even remotely bad about the incident, from what I can see you have no intention of telling your boyfriend and from what I can see you happy enough to convince yourself everything is perfectly fine.

    I suggest you just go back, look your boyfriend in the eyes and either tell him the truth of lie to him for the rest of your relationship.

    Your choice.
    Yeah! Not only do you have to put up with your own problems, like deciding how to handle yourself to prevent this happening again, and tearing those thoughts about John out of your head, OP, but you also have to destroy both your life, and your boyfriend's life in the process. (I'm being facetious.)

    Whilst I don't feel sorry for you, coffeeaddict; it's your mess and your problem, I can't say that I think you're a bad person. Some people (including me) have to actually experience these things in order for them to be put into perspective.

    I know this is going to go down a treat, but my ex (the four year one) fancied one or two of my best mates too. One of my mates (let's call him Paddy), who is married, has a penchant for girls who aren't his wife. I had to keep a keen eye on him and my ex whenever we were out together. It served to make things more interesting and keep me keen.

    I'm grounded enough to accept that when I'm with a girl, especially in a long-term relationship, she'll probably have a wandering eye, just like I do. She should accept that too. If she doesn't, we won't last.

    Dragan, there really isn't any need to pack yourself away into a box just because you're seeing someone. Next time you're out, have a look around. Good looking people, just like pretty scenery, are there to be enjoyed. Life's way too short to deny yourself little thrills like that feeling of naughty chemistry between you and someone you shouldn't. Just exercise restraint when it comes to the crunch.

    P.S. Whoever suggested the threesome: Oh! How I tried.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    My problem is, I think we really have a connection+I can't stop fancying him....has any been in a similar situation or can offer any advice?

    My advice would be to grow up.

    If you feel the attraction is that strong then dump your boyfriend and see what happens ( I seriously doubt it will ever go anywhere with John if he is a friend of your boyfriends btw :rolleyes: )

    Alternatively, if you do love your boyfriend, put this down to a drunken mistake, nobody's perfect, don't open your mouth to a soul ever and avoid John in future. (You don't want to do that though, do you?)

    Seems like you are hoping against hope from your post that some simpering Boardster will reply, saying , go on, have your cake and eat it. Pursue you uncontrollable attraction. Just decide what you want and stick to it and try and avoid hurting people in the process if possible.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,333 ✭✭✭Zambia


    bluewolf wrote:
    Not really, no.
    And if you can't handle the drink, don't drink. Simple as that.

    If I was in your position, I'd tell my bf. It's only fair to him to know.


    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo

    Bad idea

    You did a bad thing you know it I know it all posters know it.

    Constructive advice = Forget it ever happened and dont do anything so silly again.


  • Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Charlie Odd Plantation


    Zambia232 wrote:

    You did a bad thing you know it I know it all posters know it.

    Yeah, but he doesn't.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    bluewolf wrote:
    Yeah, but he doesn't.

    And how exactly would it benefit him knowing? Being betrayed by his supposed friend and supposed girlfriend? That'll really help the guy. Believe me, some cans of worms are best left firmly closed.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,224 ✭✭✭✭Kinetic^


    Not like they're doing him any favours behind his back either!!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13 coffeeadddict


    I agree with Miss Fluff and Hullaballoo and Zambia232.

    And I am certainly not going to tell my boyf even though I think he would forgive me, don't see what good that would do aside from ruin their friendship. What you don't know can't hurt you. I am not looking for someone to tell me it's ok to cheat on my boyfy, I was just interested to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,224 ✭✭✭✭Kinetic^


    You better hope John doesn't tell your BF or you'll be proper fcuked!!! And not in the way you thought was going to happen with John either!!!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Go on, have your cake and eat it. Pursue you uncontrollable attraction. Shure what harm can it do - as long as everyone keeps their mouth shut.'


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13 coffeeadddict


    Kenny 5 - very witty! :D
    I'm sure John won't say anything anyhow, it wouldn't really be of benefit to him to do so. Anyway, my boyf probably wouldn't believe him.


Advertisement