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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

1…168169170172174

Comments

  • #5132
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 13,468 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Do you know what I hate?

    Rhetorical Questions.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #5133
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 13,468 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    What is a kinda cool root vegetable?

    Radish

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #5134
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,747 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Had to close my 'We buy any Guitar Parts' company when I started receiving Frets in the post!

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5135
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,747 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.

    I said, "Yes, i've got a dog."

    She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"

    I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5136
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 1,179 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    I joined a dating site for people my age. It's called Carbon Dating.



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  • #5137
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,747 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    BREAKING: Coffee’s status of the best beverage flavour in the world has been upheld amid calls that the vote was unfair due to the number of absent tea ballots

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5138
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,120 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
    terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
    Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
    homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
    got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
    who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."


    The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
    something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."


    "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."



  • #5139
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,120 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Dodged the ticket inspector on the train this afternoon. I'm home free.



  • #5140
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,747 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I love my furniture.

    My recliner and I go way back….

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5141
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,506 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Hoping to get a plumber during the Christmas festivities is a pipe dream.



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  • #5142
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,747 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What do you call a dog with no hind legs and with steel balls?

    Sparky

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5143
    Comer1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,201 ✭✭✭Comer1


    We had a dog, years ago, who had no legs at all. We called him Woodbine, we used to take him for a drag every day.



  • #5144
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 13,468 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Where do you find a dog like Woodbine with no legs?

    Same place you left him. He's not going anywhere…

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #5145
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,120 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    If i could change the colour of just one of the seven dwarves i would dye happy.



  • #5146
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 13,468 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    When I ordered a 42" TV, I wasn't expecting a midget crossdresser!

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #5147
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,120 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Chromosomes.

    XX : Female

    XY : Male

    YYY : Delilah



  • #5148
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 1,179 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    Some say that there's no benefit in having a Y chromosome...
    Actually, it makes a vas deferens.



  • #5149
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 1,179 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    Why did the full chromosome human go to war?
    He was diploid.



  • #5150
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,747 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My wife is a big Tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women's matches.

    I have promised her I will stop.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5151
    silliussoddius
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,062 ✭✭✭silliussoddius


    An American tourist is driving through Connemara and see one of the locals using his donkey to take a load of turf out of the bog. he asks the man "Are you taking peat out of the bog?". The local says "No, I'm taking Neddy out of the bog".



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  • #5152
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,747 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Me: Do you guys offer late check-out?

    Hotel California Concierge: Buddy, I’ve got great news.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5153
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,747 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I phoned my boss this morning.
    "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."
    "What?" He answered, sounding a bit annoyed.
    "It's 5 o' clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?"
    "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning!"

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5154
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 1,179 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    I received a warning at work for poor performance.
    We've got 4 sales-people in total. Over the past month Jack has sold nothing. Alex has made £1000, in sales. I've made £5000, and the top guy made £16000.

    I got the warning for my performance being below average.

    I told them "That's just mean"



  • #5155
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,120 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.



  • #5156
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,120 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm expecting to be inundated this Valentine's Day.

    By which i mean... I'll be in and undated.



  • #5157
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,120 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
    every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
    is away and you get twice as much done.
    -- Daniel B. Luten



  • #5158
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,120 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

    Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to determine what to do
    with the old one for the next 10,000 years.



  • #5159
    silliussoddius
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,062 ✭✭✭silliussoddius


    Does Irish food taste bad?

    If cooked correctly, yes.



  • #5160
    silliussoddius
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,062 ✭✭✭silliussoddius


    I was recently asked at a job interview what my biggest flaw is. I replied: Greek mythology, it's always been my Achilles elbow.



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  • #5161
    Dan Steely
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 1,179 ✭✭✭Dan Steely


    Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween?
    Because DEC 25 = OCT 31



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