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Feeling like a psycho

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    #62
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,712 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121334698#Comment_121334698

    Honestly, I'd be fine with it, but each to their own and whatever works. Glad you feel it's resolved and hope it all goes okay now.



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    #63
    scottser
    Registered Users Posts: 420 ✭✭scottser


    I texted my colleague offside for about six months while I was with my then girlfriend. I'm married to that colleague now this last ten years with two kids together. It's not nothing, you're not paranoid and unless you call him out, he won't change. Be prepared for the worst though.

    Best of luck.



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    #64
    mode1990
    Registered Users Posts: 167 ✭✭mode1990


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121321736#Comment_121321736

    I wouldn't 'forgive " a one nite stand ! It's the ultimate betrayal ! It will always be like a stone in your shoe ! Some put up with it for various reasons , children , finance etc , just be rid of it , carry on with you're own life , we get one life and to spend it second guessing is no good ! There's lots of love out there just looking to be reciprocated !



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    #65
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 44 ✭carsynogenic


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121335255#Comment_121335255

    Sorry that happened to you 😔 how did you find out definitively



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    #66
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 44 ✭carsynogenic


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121335310#Comment_121335310

    Yeah I think he gets it now, I opened up with my fear, I reminded him of the impact it would have on the kids. When he realised it might result in us not being together anymore he got a real fright. We'll just see where it goes



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    #67
    Squatman
    Registered Users Posts: 1,579 ✭✭✭Squatman


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121335622#Comment_121335622

    well done. sounds promising. just my 2 cents, you cannot control who texts him in the middle of the night, just as much as he cannot control it. what can be controlled is his reaction to it. From a work perspective he absolutely should not be responding to such texts late at night, or in the middle of the night.



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    #68
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 44 ✭carsynogenic


    Absolutely! Incoming texts are not his responsibility, him answering them is. I do feel like something clicked with him though because he was remembering a time when he went through something similar with me. I'm ashamed to say that I wasn't as kind to him as he is being to me, so he understands my feelings and he can relate. I definitely felt relieved after having an in depth convo yesterday, so we'll see in time. Fingers xd I nipped it in the bud.

    Thanks for all your advice



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    #69
    thefa
    Registered Users Posts: 918 ✭✭✭thefa


    Fair play OP, sounds like you were direct about it and there was no point holding off any longer. Proof will be in the pudding now. Hope it all works out for you.



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    #70
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121335241#Comment_121335241

    Sorry Op but this is the harsh reality….

    He knows what he’s doing. And he knows you’ll stick around.

    Keep your dignity and self respect please. Seems like it’s all about him and his feelings and his actions. You said above you put your faith in him or something to that effect. Sounds to me like you bottled it when it came to the crunch and gave him his 10th chance. Don’t feel bad for pulling him up on his inappropriate behaviour and certainly don’t feel bad for wanting to end it.



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    #71
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121336626#Comment_121336626


    Good luck OP. 👍

    Sounds like you’re gonna need it.



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    #72
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,712 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121339827#Comment_121339827

    End the relationship because he's communicating with a female friend?

    I hope it works out for the OP, but a lot of the advice on this thread is hysterical in my view, hugely over the top. It is very possible to have friends of the opposite sex, without it interfering in your relationship at all.



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    #73
    Squatman
    Registered Users Posts: 1,579 ✭✭✭Squatman


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121340280#Comment_121340280

    agreed, that previous poster comes across very immature. nobody is going to react so abrasively over such little evidence in a relationship spanning 17 years or more



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    #74
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    All posters are reminded about the Forum Charter here in this forum. Posters come here looking for advice at what is sometimes their lowest point. A little bit of kindness and consideration can go a long way.

    Ending a relationship is often very difficult. Especially a long-term relationship. It's just words on a screen to us, but it's life, history, emotions, memories etc for the people involved.

    We remind all posters to keep this in mind. And maybe reply in the tone you'd like advice offered to you.

    The world in general has become hard and everything is disposable. We can be mistaken into believing that people's emotions have also changed to adapt to this hard, disposable society. But they haven't. People still feel hurt. They still feel upset. They still feel unsure.

    Please bear this in mind when replying. And if you can't find yourself being considerate in your reply, maybe wait a few minutes until you can.



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    #75
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 44 ✭carsynogenic


    Thanks for this! I'm not going to kaibosh my marriage without definite proof of betrayal. I had it out with him, he understands how & why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. If he still chooses to continue on inappropriately and worse by hiding it from me then for sure I'll take action, and I'm happy out with that. Time will tell for sure. Thanks guys



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    #76
    Breezy_
    Registered Users Posts: 3,557 ✭✭✭Breezy_


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121340828#Comment_121340828

    You've done all you can.

    Hope it works out for you.



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    #77
    Doctorwhoshate
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭Doctorwhoshate


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121340828#Comment_121340828

    Hello

    I don't want to play devils advocate, but I'll come at this from the other side. I work in a small office and during covid while we were working from home we all swapped numbers. During this time myself and another person on the team would then share memes, jokes etc. I had just split up with somebody and they were married with children. This went on for a while. Eventually when life started opening up again after the lockdowns we ended up sleeping together on our first work night out. They felt pure guilt and said never would it happen again. I agreed. Sure enough next night out they wanted to go there again. I said no (big of me I know).

    That's over 2 years ago now and as far as I know their spouse does not know what happened.

    This person would be known as a huge family orientated person and would speak about their spouse and children regularly in the office.

    Just keep an eye on it OP is all I am saying



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    #78
    gameoverdude
    Registered Users Posts: 6,317 ✭✭✭gameoverdude


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121333692#Comment_121333692

    I have and they were at my wedding. (Not secretively).

    I am open however.

    At op. It sounds innocent enough to me.

    Check the phone next time they offer it. Call their potential bluff if your "gut" sees something wrong.

    I wish you well, but just don't jump in with two feet. Consider everything. Gut instincts are rarely right. Emotions can be caustic.

    Also, be careful with using emotive terms like "psycho". You are doing yourself no help or people who have that prevalence. You're not psycho. Emotions are normal.



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    #79
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 44 ✭carsynogenic


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121342124#Comment_121342124

    Thanks for this, yep he has other female colleagues that contact him outside of work. I have no problem with that, just something felt off with this, I felt like there was an emotional attachment developing beyond casual friendship and I honestly can't say which side was driving it. I made my boundaries clear, I explained how it made me feel and he accepted that to the point where he admitted that he should have taken a step back. He said he will and I believe him, if he breaks that promise or lies to me then we have an issue, but he KNOWS we'll have an issue. Hopefully that won't happen



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    #80
    CrazyEric
    Registered Users Posts: 164 ✭✭CrazyEric


    Just my tuppence worth. You mentioned him in the bathroom shaving his head and I immediately thought, shaving head to keep it tight, losing hair..... going bald..... mid life crisis...... likes the bit of flirting attention as an ego boost. It may be something as simple as him seeking a bit of reassurance that he still has "IT" ( whatever IT is, I never had IT so wouldn't know). I realize he should get his validation at home but us men are funny creatures.



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    #81
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 44 ✭carsynogenic


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121346363#Comment_121346363

    Ah to be fair he's shaved a good few years now. Took a bit of convincing but he looks much sexier to me. We both try to keep fit at the gym/ running so I couldn't say thats new either. I'd agree re attention, bit of an ego boost, my worry was where that might lead. As I say I put my faitg in him bit I'll still be alert & aware. I can't see it though,



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    #82
    Doctorwhoshate
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭Doctorwhoshate


    Until he gives you a reason I suppose just go with it!



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    #83
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 44 ✭carsynogenic


    Yeah I think that's all I can do. I've seen his phone, apparently she still hasn't been in contact since the 13th of October yet he knew she was off Friday and not back in till Tues. This makes me wonder if maybe he was the one pursuing? They don't work in the same office, she's upstairs and hes downstairs so I'm not sure how he'dknow about her annual leave. I think I could well be over thinking it? He's back leaving his phone around too and opens messages beside me so he's not being sneaky, I just want to be able to put it out of my head now and be done thinking about it. I really hate this suspicious side I never thought I had. He's always been a fantastic partner and I've never doubted his love for me, I'm torn between feeling like a bitch for even doubting him, while at the same time feeling the hercule poirot personality emerging 🙄👀



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    #84
    Ezeoul
    Registered Users Posts: 2,159 ✭✭✭Ezeoul


    So he knows she was off for a few days, so what? They work in the same company!

    Yes, you are overthinking it, and honestly, if you keep down this road it is you who will end up destroying your relationship.

    Nothing is as poisonous as distrust, and nothing kills affection as quickly as being under constant suspicion.

    Its like I said earlier, it seems no matter what he does or how much reaissurance he tries to give you, you don't trust him.



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    #85
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 44 ✭carsynogenic


    I do trust him, I guess I'm just overly suspicious. I've been with previous partners that weren't faithful so that's left a mark. I know exactly what you mean about the constant suspicion too, and I definitely don't want that to ruin our relationship. As I've said, other female colleagues that have been in contact outside of work hours didn't bother me in this way, something here just felt off, I couldn't tell you what it was. I'm just trying to park it now and let it go, any suggestions on how to do that would be appreciated



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    #86
    Ezeoul
    Registered Users Posts: 2,159 ✭✭✭Ezeoul


    I don't think you do. If you did, him knowing she was off work for a couple of days wouldn't bother you, and it wouldn't have you thinking "may he was the one doing the pursuing".

    I'm coming at this from a different angle of some of the other posters, that of being the person under suspicion, who has done nothing wrong. Like I said earlier, its impossible to prove it when you haven't done something wrong.

    Being with a partner who constantly scrutinises and overthinks every little interaction is exhausting, and eventually it sours everything. I ended a long term relationship with a partner who simply couldn't take me at my word and was constantly seeking reassurance, until I just gave up trying to prove myself to him and ended it. For the record, I never cheated on him.

    You ask how do you get over it - how did he get over it when the shoe was on the other foot?



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    #87
    standardg60
    Registered Users Posts: 4,303 ✭✭✭standardg60


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121358630#Comment_121358630

    Try to relax a bit OP, you've made your feelings clear so he's fully aware of your wavering trust now. I assume he told you that she was off? If so he's trying to reassure you that he won't even be seeing her, so take that as a positive.

    Time will tell, but if he genuinely values your relationship he will endeavour to build your trust back up, so try to accept it in good faith.



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    #88
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,712 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    How long are you going to check his phone for?

    Infidelity isn't the only way to destroy a relationship, you need to be careful yourself. This kind of thing would already have driven a lot of men away, don't push him too far.



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    #89
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 44 ✭carsynogenic


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121361906#Comment_121361906

    This is what I'm concerned about. The rational part of my mind is sure that there's nothing going on, logically I have accepted that he's not doing & hasn't done anything. I told him last night that I appreciate him doing the things he's doing to reassure me, that I'd noticed his efforts and really appreciated them, and I do. I just have this gut feeling that won't **** off, and even as I'm typing this I feel like a disloyal weapon that I could think so low of him. I'm going to drop it now though, thanks for all the advice ❤️👍



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    #90
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,712 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    I'm glad you see it OP and do wish you the best. Ciara Kelly wrote something in the Sunday Independent yesterday that you might find interesting and potentially helpful. Maybe it's time for you to talk to someone about the impact previous infidelities had on you.



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    #91
    fionamcc
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭fionamcc


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121362215#Comment_121362215

    I'm a bit more of an aggressive female when it comes to things like this. If he offers the phone, look through it. I don't like unanswered questions or worries. I do think we all like an ego stroke here and there, and this sounds like what your OH is doing. I caught my own exchanging emails with a co-worker years ago. The emails had definitely gone over the line and I went in and had a chat with the co-worker myself. I needed to hear how far it had gone and decide what my next move was. Both admitted to flirting in emails, but hadn't even met each other (they worked in different buildings) but I was sure what had and hadn't happened. It gave all of us a chance to air some grievances, her husband was far more upset than I was! In short, I'd have a sit down with all parties and get it all out on the table. My thought is if someone wants to be a part of my marriage, I'm part of that equation so you'll have to deal with me too. If you know the woman, give her a call and find out what she has to say. Don't be angry or mean, just find out what's going on.

    From everything you've said here I really think this was just some ego stroking. We all go through times in our lives when we feel old, or unattractive. Someone comes along, gives us an ego boost and that's all. Doesn't sound like he has any intention of going anywhere with it. If he were truly going to have an affair, he wouldn't have told you it wasn't his brother on the phone. He sounds like he's being honest, but at the same time I think he's enjoying the attention and doesn't want to hurt your feelings (i.e. erasing the late night text). Trust me, if he wanted to have something on the side he'd be better at making sure you didn't know. He does need to remember to keep the boundaries so he doesn't lead the woman on, or give her false hope at something more and he needs to keep those boundaries to keep your respect. I wouldn't worry, though.



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