Feeling like a psycho

carsynogenic

Hi all, looking for some perspective on this issue. Please let me know your honest opinions 🙏

So with the OH 17 sum years, he's always been a fantastic partner and I've never doubted his love for me, he's always attentive/affectionate etc.

Here's my problem, a couple of months ago on his day off he answered the phone to who I thought was his brother. I left the room so he could talk, he was on the phone for approx 45 minutes laughing and joking. When he hung up I asked how they were keeping, he informed me that it was a woman he works with. Something about the intimacy of the call & the length of time niggled at me but I said nothing at that time. As time went on this woman was contacting him more & more outside working hours, not short conversations either. All of a sudden he's relaying stories about personal/ family issues she's having. At this point I did say she was unprofessional and crossing a boundary & I am not amused. He waves it off airily

Roll on a couple off weeks, he gets a text off this woman at 12.30am Friday night/Saturday morning (even typing this is making me feel sick) and he responded to it. He didn't think I saw it as I was dozing on the sofa at the time. I can absolutely tell you that NOTHING about their work warranted a text at that time. That's when the rot set in, I thought 'if one of my friends told me that story, I'd immediately think that was code for are you free now'

I have noticed that his phone is now stuck up his arse & hes changed access from a pin to his face.

Few weeks later I overheard him on the phone to another colleague discussing this other woman and somehow he knows her work routine, i.e. what she does before she comes to work.

Queue the meltdown, I'm really upset and telling him that this is making me very uncomfortable, he was angelic, said if it was the other way around he'd freak and he understood. Told me I never had to worry etc, and any time I wanted to I could look at his phone (I never want to do that, imo don't look unless you're prepared to find something)

Huuuge relief... for a while.

He's back to being secretive with his phone & is now trying to say she hasn't contacted him on his workphone since that day.

I can't get rid of the gut rot. Even though I say to myself "if he's cheating it'll come out" my head just will NOT leave me alone. It's like a 6th sense but I'm not sure it's a 'cheating' 6th sense or if I'm picking up on him having an interest/attraction to her. Please help me. Not sure if I'm a psycho or in denial 😩

Breezy_

Yea, he's being a POS.

You've already brought it up so many times and he's still at it in front of you is weird!

Do you know who she is? Have you seen her?

Say nothing for a couple of weeks so he drops the guard completely and then ask for the phone unlocked. Their should be a big long conversation there. If he's deleted it ye are done. Go introduce yourself to her then and see what she says.

Doesn't look good anyway. You are married? Kids?

Breezy_

Whats his routine like??? Is he home when he should be? Or has he changed things up all of a sudden?

YellowLead

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. If it was me I could never move past that. I’d sooner forgive a one night stand than deliberate on-going emotional cheating which is exactly what this is.

standardg60

All of a sudden he's relaying stories about personal/ family issues she's having

This is a major red flag for me, you're definitely not being a psycho here OP

carsynogenic

Married and he's a stepdad to my 2 now adult kids

Thanks

carsynogenic

That's the strange thing, set his alarm 5 minutes earlier and when I quizzed him he just mumbled shoite. As a result times leaving for work haven't changed. I got the feeling it might have if I hadn't been so alert

carsynogenic

😩😩 that's what I was thinking but just didn't want to admit 😢

carsynogenic

Thanks! I honestly was waiting for the 'is he not allowed talk to other women at all' comments

I just keep feeling sicker

carsynogenic

Also just for clarification I can't 'prove' he's still at it, I can't see what he's doing but I'm noticing the phone not just being left like it used to be. I don't want to go through it anyway because it's easy to delete messages 🙃 pffffff

I'm finding it very difficult tbh

Breezy_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322108#Comment_121322108

OOh no. This is bad.

Don't be blaming yourself for thinking/feeling the way you are either. He introduced this. You gave him chances to settle it and he hasn't.

It's terrible what he's doing. And really weird that he's doing it the way that he is. Which is puzziling me abit. Is he still treating you the same as he always has?

Have you told anyone about it?

Actually I'd struggle to wait 2 weeks but he's denying it/fobbing off then you're left with no option but to catch him now.

SEPT 23 1989

He must not be getting what he needs at home

things ok in the bedroom department after 17 years together

You both putting in the effort to make things good?

YellowLead

At least your kids are adults, it allows for much more freedom of movement. Small comfort I know.

He has this woman on a pedestal and is engaged in making her troubles his troubles,

He has snuck out the back door of your marriage.

Breezy_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322301#Comment_121322301

OOOh, I didn't know that makes it OK to be a POS to your other half.

Ain't no excuses for his carry on. Zero.

carsynogenic

Bless you ❤️ if anything he is more attentive since I told him how it made me feel, there's been 1 occasion where he's noticed me watching him on the phone and has reiterated that I can look or ask to look anytime. I'm torn between him still being the saint I've always thought him to be, but for some reason my cynical side kicks in and tells me....there's more to this, he can delete etc

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322301#Comment_121322301

Let me guess, you're a man? Things are fine in the bedroom, he never doesn't want me, and I always want him. I can't strip in front of the man, and that's ok with me. When you always leave the party happy, why would you refuse the invite?

SEPT 23 1989

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322352#Comment_121322352

It’s not ok

but that’s why men do it

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322352#Comment_121322352

Yeah me can justify anything, including murder 🙄

SEPT 23 1989

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322432#Comment_121322432

Well then he is an absolute moron for messing that up

apologies

Big Bag of Chips

Your gut is telling you something, and your gut is rarely wrong.

I understand the need to look for proof. You know something's not right, but you need evidence because you don't actually want to believe it. And of course he's not going to admit it.

You know him intimately so you know immediately when something is different. It might be just a bit of an ego thing for him. There mightn't be anything physical going on but he's enjoying the obvious attention from this woman. That can be just as hurtful as a physical affair.

Feeling like a psycho is horrible, but perfectly understandable in your position. It might be time to look at what you're willing to tolerate in your relationship. He's hiding something. He's very definitely hiding something. He has crossed a line with this woman and is making you feel like you're the one in the wrong. He might not fully understand the impact his actions are having on you, and when you're emotional it can be difficult to discuss.

Give yourself a break. Give yourself time to understand how you are feeling and why. In time you will come to the right decision for yourself. You'll be ok.

pgj2015

maybe hire a private investigator to follow him?

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322911#Comment_121322911

thought about this but it's ridiculous expensive plus he's never away long enough to actually do anything. No late/ weekend working.

carsynogenic

Thanks so much, I'm definitely sensing something for sure. I was kinda hoping for the 'you're nuts' reaction though 🤣

Mr Disco

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322938#Comment_121322938

Seems like a very very big overreaction to me.

Is the lad not allowed have a female friend? Does his communication need to be at times set by you? And topics strictly censored to what you deem appropriate? You’d hire a private investigator except they are too expensive?

You ask are you a psycho? Emphatically the answer is yes.

i124Q

Until you get reassurance from him, its always going to be on your mind. Be open and honest with him if it's still niggling at you. What if the roles were reversed, ask him how he would feel.

If he has banter with her that's fine, that's good in fact that he has a mate to vent with about work. But if in any way it crosses that boundary of banter into flanter, aka he is giving a lot of compliments, and his time with her feeds into your dinner time or weekend plans, that's when you need to address it. Make sure to: Stay Calm, see his view point, tell him how you feel and that your glad he's made a good friend. Be on his side and don't start accusing, that will get you nowhere and only push him away.

steinbock123

You could do the same thing and get yourself a male “friend”, (preferably slightly younger), flaunt him on the phone like your partner does and see how he likes it. He won’t be long getting hot under the collar about it I’ll wager.

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322999#Comment_121322999

He absolutely is entitled to female friends, did you not read the whole thing? I think sending texts at 12.30am at the weekend might just be a step too far. I have male colleagues, I chat & have a laugh with but they don't know about issues I'm having and I don't ring them outside work for advice about it. I don't sit outside in my car and chat to them for 20 mins. I 100% know if the roles were reversed he'd snap. In fact I did have a male friend who I worked with and was close to but OH became convinced friend was attracted to me and he was uncomfortable. I didn't feel great about it but I definitely took a step back from the friendship.

Tbf when you put it like that I can see your point, so why won't the niggling feelings just phack off 🙃

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121323018#Comment_121323018

He's been great at reassuring me, and he has admitted that he would flip if it was the other way round. That's the thing, she's ringing him on his days off & he's answering, texting in the middle of the night allegedly about the job. There's not a single thing job related that would require a text at that hour, and again he's answering. That's what really got the heckles up. And the very day I confronted him and he said he would step back is apparently the last day she text him? Nothing since? To go from being in contact multiple times a day to radio silence? Wtf

thefa

@carsynogenic I’m not clear on the timelines here across all the posts. Are you saying 1) you confronted him, he said he was stopping contacting her but you’re suspicious as he’s still secretive about the phone or 2) you confronted him, he said he was stopping but things like the late night text happened since?

carsynogenic

Sorry, I'm all over the place. Lengthy phone calls and what I'd consider inappropriate conversation initially, then the middle of the night/texting/ringing weekends, then I confronted him when I overheard him relaying her morning routine before she comes to work. Like htf would he know that stuff? He said he'd step back, but now it appears that she hasn't rang or text him since that day, (so how are they communicating for work) and he's back to being suspect with the phone.

Example: phone was in his pocket yesterday, he left the room when he got a text, then he comes back in after a few minutes and makes it very obvious that he's leaving the phone down and leaving the room as if a) I'm going to look & b) as if I don't know that you can delete specific messages from whatsapp/messenger

thefa

It could be everything or nothing. The earlier deemed transgressions are clearly still playing on your and you’ve lost trust which is understandable but I’m not sure you’re going about this the right way.

You seem to be assuming the worst now for everything, which appears to be mainly phone related. Like the suspected text yesterday - was it definitely a text or could it have been another notification? Did he need to step out for another reason anyways?He’s offered you to check his phone and you seem to have some opportunities to potentially catch him out if your suspicions are true (ask him to show notification if it wasn’t a message which he could delete) but you are assuming the worst and letting it fester.

Some of your earlier examples like his alarm changing 5 minutes seem like a stretch. Even things like why was he taking a phone call in front of you from her or gossiping about her family troubles with you if he was planning on having an affair with her?

On work friendships, some of us don’t have big social circles and can develop friendships with people we work with to the point of which we can discuss personal matters which are not work related in the slightest.

Frankly, I think some of the earlier responses are extreme given how sure they are of his guilt. The nature of the conversation is pretty key (detailed earlier by another poster) and obviously if your husband or this woman have feelings for each other, that is a big concern.