Feeling like a psycho

pgj2015

Always trust your gut op. I was in a relationship before and I noticed my girlfriend at the time leaving the room to take calls and other strange behavior, one night I looked at her texts while she was asleep, sure enough there were loads of texts between her and her ex who she supposedly hated, I didnt feel one bit bad for looking through her texts because I only did it after seeing her strange behavior and I was proved right.

Breezy_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121323758#Comment_121323758

Good post. All good points. Especially that something that may be nothing has festered. Im probably what you call the extreme earlier posts...but shes knows him 17 years! She knows what normal dinner chat about work folk shes never met is like and he may just not be very good at hiding affairs which is why his actions have caught him out here. Hes learning though. I had to catch someone before, she'd denied it but i knew. Most get caught out.

And unlike what someone said about the bedroom and why people stray from marriages, id say plain old opportunity would rank alot higher as a reason.

Something is fishy.

Facthunt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121323526#Comment_121323526

Play him at his own game …. Get yourself a Tinder or Bumble profile and see if he likes you chatting to other guys?

Dial Hard

You're not going to like my post, OP. My husband had a very similar dynamic with a female colleague, constant texting, laughing, he knew everything about her life outside work, etc. I used to jokingly refer to her as his girlfriend. Like, we'd be watching a film and his phone would be pinging constantly and I'd go "Seriously, it's Friday evening, will you tell your girlfriend to bugger off, we're trying to spend some time together". I never for a moment thought anything of it because I just didn't see her as a threat. It bothered me at times, like the film example above or if we were sitting down to dinner but I'd be like "Come on, dude" and he'd put the phone away.

Long story short, he's been married to her for several years.

You need to nip this in the bud now. Even if it hasn't gotten physical yet, an emotional affair can do far, far more damage than a physical one. Ignore all the "Is he not allowed have a female friend?" bollox above and put a stop to this. She's not his friend, she's his mistress-in-waiting. Believe me, I spent YEARS beating myself up for being so complacent.

Best of luck.

evolvingtipperary101

Do not engage in tit for tat with your own emotional affair or digital profile - this will lead to nothing good. From your posts, I don’t think you would be able for that type of nonsense

so, you seem to suggest there’s absolutely no change in work schedule and no excess time anywhere. He’s spending his time with you… so surely there’s nothing untoward going on? Perhaps there was something sprouting and you snuffed it out and he came to his senses. He was flattered by attention and was comfortable enough to take calls in front of you. This other woman was perhaps trying her luck… and got nowhere. He saw the error his ways?

AyeGer

I have female friends at work and would speak to them every day. If one of them texted me at 12:30am I’d be thinking she is trying to move this to the next stage. I’d never have.a 45 min phone call with one of them outside of work either.

Maybe your boyfriend genuinely doesn’t see it this way but I think she is definitely showing an interest.

mykrodot

surely if he keeps saying you can check his phone then there is nothing much going on?? I mean even if he is deleting messages on WhatsApp you will see this? Deleted messages show up as deleted messages

Breezy_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121325719#Comment_121325719

They could be chatting in some android game.

Or sms.

Escapees

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121325719#Comment_121325719

Not if you delete them a second time...

lbj666

I know this will not put you at more ease but..Xmas party season is coming soon..people do stupid ****

mykrodot

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121325817#Comment_121325817

didnt know that, thanks! Obviously I don't delete messages very often :-)

radiotrickster

Texting a colleague outside of work and knowing what’s going on in their personal life seems pretty standard to me. People make friends at work, chat over lunches, make small talk in the office, and so to me that all seems normal.

The 45 minute call isn’t normal. I can’t remember the last time I had a phone call with anyone for that long.

If your gut says something is off, follow it.

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121326436#Comment_121326436

Yep, genuinely thought it was his brother. Also getting and replying to texts in the middle of the night. I asked him about it yesterday and he showed me his phone, the middle of the night one was gone, couldn't find it and he claimed he didn't remember it happening

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121325433#Comment_121325433

Thanks for this, I sense this is the case. I don't think physically he has cheated but I think his egos getting a boost and if I'm honest I'm feeling threatened but I'm not sure why. Obviously he's got other female colleagues this one is just over stepping the boundaries

carsynogenic

Sorry that happened to you 😔

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121324536#Comment_121324536

Thanks for this, yes he has other female colleagues that would contact him out of hour's, it would only annoy me if we were away or out on a date and it would be him responding that would irk me rather than the person that text/ rang. Feeling sicker and sicker

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121325719#Comment_121325719

He might have a secret second phone.

carsynogenic

He might but I don't know. I feel awfully disloyal, but I just can't get rid of the niggling stomach clenching suspicion.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058320937/feeling-like-a-psycho

if it walks like a duck, it is a duck.

My ex was very secretive and cagey with his phone. *edit*

I have a phone. In a relationship or single, I leave it in the room, I take it with me, I fling it here and there, I lose it in the bed and if I’m in good company, I’ll usually forget it or not check it because I’m happy with my reality. Simple. That’s it. It’s not a natural thing to be overly invested on your phone or in a female colleague. Are you going to keep being “understanding” or are you actually gonna throw a few f*cks into this clown? He’s disrespecting you, either has no backbone where his personal boundaries are with this female colleague or is cheating on you. Either way, it’s not good enough.

Have it out. Lay it out on the table. You know what’s what. You’re just here to get confirmation.

So to sum up OP, if it walks like a duck - it usually is a big one.

ElizaBennett

I think there's a certain amount of naivety in posts claiming that he can't be doing anything untoward as he's talked to her in front of you and he's told you about her business etc. It's important to note that even he himself may not realise he's embarking upon an emotional affair - or possibly could be. He could have started to feel a friends-type attraction to her at first, just drawn to her and enjoying her company, not seeing anything wrong with that so perfectly happy for you to know about her etc. But that could change (without him really knowing it) into something deeper, which is possibly what's started to happen now. And it's very hard to stop that happening. Those of us with experience of emotional affairs in the work place realise just how easy it can be to go there so, when you start to feel it happen with someone (lingering eye contact, compliments, slightly inappropriate levels of interest / comments etc) you just cut off the possibility by making sure you're never alone with that person, you don't go out socially and you don't court their attention. You nip it in the bud, in other words. He hasn't done that and you need to be worried. And I absolutely think you can trust your gut on it.

I think the best thing to do is give it a few few days, let him relax a bit about it, then when he's in the room with him phone, just say 'you know what, it might be stupid but I really do feel a bit insecure about your work friend. You said I could look at the texts between you so can i do that now please?' Yes it might all be deleted and , if it is, he'll need to explain why. That's my advice.

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121332091#Comment_121332091

I think you're bang on the money here, had it out with him yesterday and he again said he doesn't remember the middle of the night text. We looked through his phone and it's gone. I didn't challenge him about it, I didn't let on that I know you can delete messages, I just didn't feel prepared to go down that road because it would have ended up with me insisting on him deleting and reinstalling his WhatsApp and finding the text that I know is there. Which would have led to me challenging him on the lied, and I'm not sure if I go down that road I'll come back. I'm currently organising my deceased sons birthday marker, I haven't got the strength. Also he's the only man my daughter trusts, I think it will do serious damage to her. He's making a show of leaving his phone until he thinks I'm not paying attention and just 10 minutes ago picked it up, went into the kitchen, then closed the door behind him. When I went in a few minutes later the phone was on the counter. Now he's in the bathroom shaving his head, left the phone on the counter incase I want to peek, which I didn't because why bother, I know he's deleting the messages

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121332158#Comment_121332158

For gods sake… sorry OP. This is going around the houses.

Be direct and clear. He’s engaging a female colleague in an inappropriate manner. He should have put her in her place when it started in a professional manner or reported her to the line manager for inappropriate contact outside work hours when it persisted or just a bog standard **** off would of done the trick. Simple.

Sounds to me like he likes engaging her and likes the attention and enjoys the conversation. She sees no boundaries- plough on - happy days!

What else could it possibly be? And don’t go down that road of using the job as an excuse. No one is that invested that they allow it interfere with their personal lives and boundaries. He’s engaging it and complicit.

You need to decide what you will and will not accept. What you are and are not comfortable with. This isn’t hard. What are your values and standards? Do you value respect? Do you value honesty? Do you value fidelity? Can you keep living like this together? Being so paranoid and worried that you make yourself sick? The fact he is deleting messages should be a massive red flag to you? But again, depends on what you’ll be willing to put up with. I can tell you - I was absolutely not going to put up with being made a fool of. I’d rather be on my own than twisting myself up with stress worrying about who my ex was onto this week.

You can keep watching and pussy foot around eachother for a peaceful life or call it like you see it, be brave and clearly communicate you are not happy, you don’t accept the behaviour, it’s not good enough and walk. What other choice is there? Stay and let him walk on you? Turn a blind eye? Go for a walk alone, get a coffee, sit alone and think. Get your thoughts in order and weigh things up. You are either ok with putting up with BS or not.

my guess is since you are posting here, you’re not ok with it and it’s not good enough. I want to say to you - it’s ok to walk away and end it. You have no choice. You tried. You can only act on the information you have in front of you. And it doesn’t sound good to me.

Dont be afraid to walk away from him.

Sunny Disposition

Going against the grain here, but I’ve had female colleagues I was close with and there was never anything inappropriate happening.

I don’t see the issue with him talking to her on the phone, or answering texts.

It looks to me like you just don’t trust him? Is there a problem that predates this?

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121333623#Comment_121333623

When you say close with though - you were texting outside of work at all hours secretively?

I am good friends with guys I work with - but we don’t text outside of the office, or inside for that matter - we talk in person or there are group chats. It would be inappropriate to behave in any other manner.

ElizaBennett

Completely agree with YellowLead. I have a great guy on my team at work, brilliant at his job and invaluable to us. But he's taken to texting me now and then in the evening and weekends and there's something just not right about it. I send very short responses or thumbs up. Usually wait till working hours, and that's keeping it in check. Would be extremely easy to let that get into idle chitchat and go further. He's married, though not happily from what he hints. When you know there's something going on beneath the surface you just know. I aways ask myself What if a female work colleague started this kind of texting? The answer is always They just wouldn't. OP, you're right to feel uncomfortable about this.

Sunny Disposition

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121333692#Comment_121333692

Texted all the time, same as I would have male friends, no difference. Wouldn’t have been secretive about it, but then no one was making an issue out of it.

Im not saying this man isn’t cheating, obviously I don’t know, but sending text messages or talking in the phone shouldn’t be an issue.

OP you really need to settle this fast though. If he isn’t cheating he’s not going to be impressed with you thinking he is, it’ll damage the relationship hugely. He’ll feel he can’t be himself around you. And he’ll be right.

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121334019#Comment_121334019

That's just the thing though, this ISN'T him, and no, it's not appropriate to be receiving texts on your personal phone at 12.30 am on a Friday night/ Saturday morning. Or on days off. Think of it this way, what if your girlfriend/ wife was behaving this way? I doubt you'd be ok with it. He has other female colleagues that contact him outside of work, this is different.

Anyway I had a conversation with him about it today, and I explained what my worry was, he was great about it. He thought about it and said that looking at it now he should probably have pulled back, he just didn't see anything wrong. He understood how it feels because the roles were reversed 10 years ago and we were fighting over a male friend of mine, I didn't understand it then but when he explained how it was making him feel I immediately pulled back from the friendship. I chose to put his feelings over everything else, and I've never regretted it.

Just for clarification I don't think he's cheating on me physically, I think there's some attraction there on her side and he may be enjoying it, but I'm certainly not going to wait for the flirty texts to kick in to do something. I explained this and he understood. I've decided that after our talk today I'm going to put my faith in him.

Todays convo was a huge eye opener for him, so I'll leave it at that and try not let it melt my brain.

I'm not putting on blinkers, I've said what I needed to say, he's made promises, if he rolls back I'll walk away, and I'm happy enough with that

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121334019#Comment_121334019

Same, I have male colleagues that I am friends with, some of them have transferred to other offices and we technically no longer work together, but we still keep in touch. Absolutely nothing else in it, other than chat.

Colleagues, both male and female, married or single, can become real friends and work would be a very boring place if all that was ever talked about was work. Of course you get to know details of your colleagues' lives over the course of time.

But it seems to me, that the OP has already made their mind up, and no amount of reassurance from her partner or him handing over his phone is going to change her mind that he isn't up to something.

As for him - it's impossible to prove when you haven't done something wrong.

OP might want to consider that.

walshb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058320937/feeling-like-a-psycho

Get rid of him before he gets rid of you!!!

Joeseph Balls

Op, male here, 15 year relationship, 3 kids, youngest is 3. What you say is an exact mirror image of what happened me. You say he goes to work at the same time. Is it a regular 9 to 5 or shift work?

Regardless of what you said to him, would you engage with a male colleague late at night, talk for 45 mins on your day off? Listen to their personal problems? He said he does not remember the late text. That's a lie. If this was all genuine, he wouldn't put you in this position.

Also, whattsapp messages can be set to delete by themselves.

No one knows how far this has gone but I'm sorry, trust your gut.